Aspie Mom Homeschooling Aspie & NT Kids?

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Hello All--
This is my first post. I am a mom of 2 (7-year-old son just diagnosed with HFA/Asperger's and 5-year-old daughter who is NT as far as we know). I have been homeschooling my son since he was 4, when his 5-day sojourn in a parochial preschool ended abruptly when he was expelled for having a meltdown due to issues with transitions. My daughter is ready to begin kindergarten, and I am uncertain where to go from here. I strongly suspect that I am somewhere on the spectrum (probably Asperger's), and I am uncertain whether being with two Aspies all day would have a negative impact on my daughter's educational and social development. Our school system does offer the option of half-day kindergarten, and my husband and I are considering sending her to the morning sessions while I work with my son at home on his second-grade coursework, then in the afternoons I can work with both of them on the subjects they enjoy doing together (art, science, music, beginning French). Are there any other Aspie parents who homeschool (or have done so in the past) with both Aspie and NT kids? If so, what were the pros and cons?
In a way, I feel that a NT child may need to be with other NT people to develop appropriate social skills, but I also worry about the negative aspects of NT social interaction (peer dependence being foremost among them). My daughter is also about to start ballet lessons, so she will have some exposure to NT peers there as well. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

I like the idea of the half day K, because it will let you see how she responds to school. You will want to choose the situation that suits her best, that let's her thrive, and that will be hard to know without letting her test various waters a bit.

But I'm not really AS and I don't homeschool ... I'm just a mom that believes all options should be on the table, that all schools (and schooling options, including homeschool) can be good or bad because it's about fit more than anything, and that the child's unique needs should lead when choices are available.

Let her try it, see how she does, and then have her be involved in the final decision (to the extent she proves able to be).

It's a good choice to homeschool your children until they are able to visit a real school with other children.
I got sent to school one year after my contemporaries got to develop my social skills in preschool.
excluding them from society is one of the worst things you can do.
I know that the american public school system is by far not as good as the one were I live, but if you don't let him learn to handle the hurdles it brings, he, as an aspergian, will end up as a momma's boy who'll never find access to the outside world. that his social skills maybe differs from otherones doesn't mean he can't learn them. he won't learn how it feels to succeed, to lose, he won't even know he's someone special so he will never be able to find into life in a world of "normals".
It can also feel very good to be an aspergian. I won the 4th price in a nationwide maths contest in which every child in this country of my age participated. without having even studied for maths once in my lifetime at this moment; just to express what aspergians can do BECAUSE they are special. can't it be that he has got great skills too? maybe not in that way. maybe they show in a different way. but he will find his way without getting led. aspergians actually know what they want to do and are mostly good in it. but you can help him a lot. listen if he speaks (if he actually can...), don't try to interprete what he says, he means exactly what he says, nothing more and nothing less.
then you can think of it. is it good for him? is it a waste of time? does he really need that? (before you buy him a playstation or something, buy him a cheap piano or a guitar, if he has no use for it, maybe a cheap computer just for himself)

but please don't refuse him the real world. in the worst case, invest in his life and try a private school. no matter how much you want him to be near you every minute of the day. he can do it, trust in him.

Homeschooling doesn't have to mean being socially isolated.

Things you can do to give a homeschooled kid socialization opportunities:

* sign them up for extracurriculars (which you're already doing with ballet class)

* find a park that kids often play in and go hang out there

* see if there's any kind of organization for homeschooling parents you could join, and see if they're organizing get-togethers

* just take her out and about - she'll get to socialize with all ages of people, which is something most schooled kids miss out on

* see if there's a group for siblings of autistics, so she can find people like her (though she's NT, her home life is colored by autism because she lives with autistics)

but you know that he won't stay 7 forever? and she won't stay 5 forever...
what kind of life should this be for a child, soon a teenager and of course in some years an adult?

school is the best location to socialize. there is no way to separate yourself from other children or teenagers.
and that's exactly what he/she would do if you

* find a park that kids often play in and go hang out there

* just take her out and about

much more they will focus on you as their mother, the only person they know and they are familiar with.
it's not as easy as saying "look, this girl plays alone, won't you ask her to play with you?"
and this won't change. no matter how long you try. and how long do you want to try? till they are 12/13 years old and hit puberty as social impotent teenagers who are called "freaks" by everyone? thank god this wasn't my fate.
but I think I can empthize with the persons they are going to be. Don't do them a mischief.
children about 7 are wiser than you think. As a school project I've once worked in an integrative primary-school where mentally challenged people studied together with normal students of the same age. there were also two (heavy) autists. apart from that it all worked out fantastically, the autists have found their own ways to integrate and be with the normals, who didn't even seem to notice that it was something special that some of them couldn't speak fluently.
the later they are confronted with that, the more troubles they will get.
why don't you look for an integrative school? if you are caring and loving enough to spend a whole day with your sweeties, it won't be a problem to bring them to a school that's half an hour or more away, right?
if you give them this opportunity, they will surely grow up to be leading figures or at least what they want to be.

do everything you can do to enable him to visit pre school and then the real school. take your time, but keep your eyes peeled, he might already be ready, but surely is in progress.

Thanks so much to everyone who has posted replies so far--I really appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and trying to help me with this.
Just FYI--at the present time, we feel that it is in our son's best interest to continue to homeschool him. We are certainly open to changing this situation in the future if it appears that his interests would be better served by attending a traditional school (or even a combination of home and traditional schooling) later on. A bit of background: We just received his diagnosis (HFA/Asperger's) eight days ago. It has been a three-year odyssey to reach this point. We enrolled him at age 4 in a parochial preschool. On his fifth day, he had a meltdown when he had to leave recess in the school gym to return to his classroom. (At this time, we had no idea that he was or might be on the autism spectrum). The school principal and our son's preschool teacher had the enlightened idea (sarcasm intended) to handle this situation by leaving him alone in the gym, shutting the doors, and shutting off all the lights. The principal defended this idiocy by claiming that he "thought it would get him to behave."
Well, what it succeeded in doing was to cause my son to nearly lose his mind. When I arrived at the school in response to a phone call from the principal, my son was screaming hysterically and lashing out at anyone who attempted to come near him (including me). The principal told me that my son had "anger issues" and that they could not keep him at the school. He recommended we take him to a child psychologist, and insinuated that there must be "issues at home" that caused his behavior. It took me nearly two hours at home to calm my son down. I have literally never been so terrified in my life. He has never had a meltdown on that scale (or anywhere near it!) before nor since. To this day, he refers to the incident at preschool as "The Bad Thing."
We immediately sought out a child psychologist, and our son saw him once a week for about a year and a half, until we moved from northern to southern Illinois a year ago. The psychologist told us that our son was undoubtedly gifted (which was supported by a battery of cognitive testing), but that he was "strong-willed" and needed a strict routine and lots of discipline. I privately felt that we have always had a good routine, and we have tried to be consistent yet gentle with our discipline techniques, but I accepted the psychologist's "expertise" and tried to follow his advice, all the while feeling guilt-ridden and convinced that my son's problems were my fault and I must be a sorry excuse for a mother. We made the decision to homeschool our son following the preschool debacle because we felt (and the psychologist agreed) that he would not be able to fit into a mainstream classroom in ANY school until he was able to exercise better impulse control and manage his emotions. On a positive note: my son has done WONDERFULLY with his homeschooling. He reads 3 years above grade level, LOVES anything related to science and is working on some science projects (such as dissection) that I never encountered until high school, has learned how to read music fluently and is about to begin piano lessons, and has nearly finished the third-grade Saxon math curriculum (he is going into second grade). His challenges remain in the areas of handwriting (hates it, so we have begun allowing him to type anything longer than one or two sentences), remaining focused when the subject is not one of his areas of interest, and various issues related to motor skills, sensory problems, and impulse control.
In October of last year, our new pediatrician (God bless this man!) reviewed our son's records, observed him for a short time during a routine physical, and then gently asked us if anyone had ever mentioned "Asperger's Syndrome" as a possible explanation for his behavioral issues. No, in fact, no one ever had. Two previous pediatricians, a preschool teacher, an elementary school principal, a child psychologist--NONE of them ever suggested to us that our son's issues could be related to autism, or that we should have him screened in order to rule out the possibility. On the advice of our new pediatrician, we contacted the Center for Autism Spectrum Disorders at Southern IL University at Carbondale, and as of eight days ago, FINALLY have an answer. During the nine months it has taken to complete the testing and confirm the diagnosis, I have read everything I can get my hands on relating to HFA/AS, and I am now 99% convinced that I probably share this condition with my son.
Please understand that our decision to continue homeschooling our son is not based on a desire to restrict him from social interaction. Far from it--in the past we have tried to involve him in different activities but have encountered hostility and rejection from others due to his behavioral issues. Now that we know WHY he behaves as he does, and that it is a neurological condition rather than poor parenting or a choice on his part, I am hopeful that some doors may be opened. We plan to speak to the Special Education teacher at the local school about possibly obtaining some therapy for him in the areas of social skills, executive functioning, and motor skills. However, I do not see him fitting into a mainstream classroom yet (at least not for 6-7 hours a day). I am somewhat wary of traditional schools after what we experienced three years ago at his preschool, and we do not have any specific schools for children with high-functioning autism in our area. I am also reluctant to expose him to NT peers at the risk of subjecting him to the horrible, non-stop bullying that I endured for years as a child. As for private school, the private schools in Illinois are not required by the state to make accommodations for special-needs students, and therefore most do not. We discussed sending our daughter to a parochial school (as we had initially planned to do with both children), but decided that, as a matter of principle, we will not pay tuition for our daughter to a school that refuses to accept our son.
I apologize for the length of this post, as I realize it was quite extensive, but just wanted to reassure other people that our decision to homeschool our son at present does not mean that we are not open to other options in the future, or that we desire to cripple him socially. We are just beginning to weigh our options and are continuing to learn everything we can about his condition and how best to help him reach his potential. Again, thank you for your input and we would welcome any additional suggestions from parents who are more experienced with these issues.

I agree with Awes: school is very important for kids. Sorry, Ettina, but park, extracurricular activities, etc, is not the same. I know because I did all that. The interaction is not the same. I agree school can be very difficult for our children, but with the appropiate help it can be done. I think we tend to over-protect our children and that is not good because we are cutting their wings ourselves. Trying for them not to suffer we retrieve them from growing up. I also think your NT daughter should not "pay" for having an Aspie son. She should live her own experiences. It actually could be good sending both of them together. Maybe you can start sending him to school taking just a few classes he likes (if ghat is possible) and see how it goes. Talk to the teacher sonshe is aware of your children condition and on what he needs, and avoid religious schools at all cost. Discipline in those school is more than our kids can get.

And the eternal debate begins.. lol

As as homeschooler I applaud your recognizing your sons needs and meeting them yourself. My daughter is 10 and going starting her 5th grade next week. The whole idea that children need and benefit greatly from the experience of school even if they are stressed out and miserable from it is a load hooey, in my very honest opinion.

-Children will not magically learn to socialize well in that environment if they have aspergers. You have to be a 'conformist' to socialize effectively in school and most aspies simply are not conformists.
-Sending a child into a stressful environment without the stress management skills needed to cope well will have ramifications for the child. 5 yr olds do not have good stress management skills.
-Spending more time in an environment where you are considered 'wrong' and/ or are not liked than with family who like and accept you will have ramifications. Who will your child in school see more? What messages will they hear more often? You are great and special as who you are or why cant you just be like everyone else??
-School often strips children of their sense of self, their self esteem, their childhood, and their innocence.
-Aspies that are highly sensitive yet internalizing that sensitivity will suffer more from childhood bullying whether it be from children or teachers.

Aspies do not need or want tons and tons of socializing so yes .. the park, scouts, homeschool groups, etc are enough for a child who does not need or want tons of socializing.

Homeschooling has been a wonderful choice for my family. And I wouldnt change anything of it. School is not necessary for children. it's another option and it does have certain drawbacks for some children. You have to consider your individual childs needs and they just might not need to be forced into a room with 30 others who really dont understand or care about their needs as individuals.

As for your NT daughter, I would give it a try. Some children really love school and she may be one of them.

As an adult, how often do you interact with a large group of people whose only trait in common is that they were born the same year?

School doesn't provide very good socialization because it's so artificial. Instead, it seems to breed some of the worst kinds of social behavior, such as clique formation and bullying. Both of those are much less likely if you are able to interact primarily with the people you want to interact with or have a common goal with.

[quote="jag96"][/quote]
I'm very happy to hear that. Now I know that he is in the best hands.
I'm sure that he will be able to hop in school even directly in a higher grade if he once can tolerate this big step.

At the otherones: Socializing is the main thing about school, even it wasn't their main intention. why should anybody learn about dead persons like Abraham Lincoln or Adolf Hitler who will never even come back again to have influence, if he or she can't even deal with living persons who count? of course it's necessary to read and write and calculate. but since human has got the great ability of forgetting things he doesn't need, that will be the only things he really masters when he leaves school as an adolescent or adult. even if he's written nothing but As his whole lifetime. So it's not a pity about the space in his brain, it's nearly as free as it was before. And it's also not a pity about the lost time. because unknowingly he's become part of the society, has found friends who also got friends who also got friends who surely are willing to become his friends too. and that doesn't mean that they are for nothing good but playing. contacts are more worth than any skill, since you can't market those skills without contacts who trust in you.
excuse my rather bad english, I've been learning it by using it with friends and other social contacts since it's not my mothers language. why do you think it can't work out when it worked out fantastically with me and many others in this community?

It really doesn't help the OP to debate school v. Homeschool as an overall concept, because it really does vary THAT much by child, family and school. What helps is to know what worked for each person v. What didn't and the why's behind that. Each parent has to sift through the stories and figure out what resonates the most with their unique situation.

I know a family with one child in public school, one in a special needs private school, and one doing homeschool ... Because each child turned out to have very different needs, experiences, and responses. In my opinion, the BEST parenting is open to that.

Jag, my son's AS was missed by a preschool, a pysch major nanny, the county school psychologist I asked to do an observation, and a professional counselor that we met with for over a year ... I think it really can be THAT hard to see in little ones that are smart. Thankfully we didn't have any destructive incorrect diagnosis in that period (unless you count the preschool director who made it clear she thought we must be a highly dysfunctional family); mostly just "miss," and a few kind enough to tell me I wasn't a bad mom and my son wasn't a horror. I am simply grateful that there were people at his elementary school smart enough to suggest AS, because it answered everything.

As for the original question ...
I know these choices aren't easy to make. You'll do fine.