My wife wants to leave me because of my aspieness

Post Reply New Topic

We´ve been together for +10 years and now she is telling me that she can´t cope with my aspieness anymore because she realizes that I will probably never change (only learned about Asperger´s less then a year ago). But I have showed her that I can change my behaviour, my problem is that if I don´t stay focused I´ll start to drift back into my own little world and just forget everyone else, and that seems to happen everytime sooner or later without me even realizing it´s happening and she is just growing tired of it. I just don´t know if there´s anything I can do to keep her in my life. I don´t really think anyone can help me here, I just needed to get this off my chest since it´s not like I had friends or anyone else to talk to.

It's a hard one. The NTs we live with are still irritated by our aspieness even though it feels to us like we're changing.

If she's got to go, then she's got to go. You've still got a few years of learning about autism to work through anyway.

sorry to hear that, kinda sucks to be left after such a long time and at that age to have to restart. best thing is probably to move on as fast as you can and try not to let the relationship bother you or try to learn as much from it.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I don't know that I can help but I do know that marriage is about compromise, and while I do feel people shouldn't marry others expecting them to change significantly, there are some changes it's reasonable to request a spouse make, and then there are some things the other individual just has to learn to accept about their spouse.

This goes for all types of relationships really.

For example, my roommate has a tendency to pile his papers, belongings, and things he has decided to bring home that don't seem to serve much if any purpose, on the top shelf of one of my bookcases in the living room, and on top of it as well. He will do this until the pile becomes unstable under it's own weight and an avalanche of stuff comes stumbling down on me when I am removing or replacing something on the lower shelves. I find this very annoying, and every so often I ask him to clean and organize his things such that this doesn't happen. I even gave him a plastic container to keep things on on the shelf. He will usually oblige and then slowly the pile will begin to build up again. It's currently existing on top of the container.

But oh well. This is his natural organization pattern (his room is full of shelves organized like this) and I understand it to be something he actually isn't capable of changing without putting a continuous and inordinate amount of effort into it. So I accept this aspect of him and don't constantly bother him about it. Everyone once in a while I simply ask him to reorganize his things so they don't fall on me.

Not that I am married to my roommate, but I think for a marriage to work, people need to be able to accept certain aspects of their spouse that annoy them just as much as people need to make an effort to make changes to accommodate their spouse.

Sorry, it's a tough spot to be in. I went through the same thing years ago, except I didn't know I was autistic. It was a very confusing and frustrating time, to say the least. I ended up divorced, but I hope things turn out better for you.

I'm far from an expert on relationships, but you can PM me if you need someone to talk to about this. Take care, and best of luck to you both.

It's good you have been making an effort to change but sometimes it's not good enough for our partners. So it's them, not us if we have been making the effort to change.

Some people are not happy with their partners and it's the same with NTs too so the best solution is to leave.

Yeah I forgot to mention we have kids, so I think it makes things more complicated. Leaving is the last option for me, I just don´t know what the other options might be but I still think that we should try everything before leaving can be considered. She´s just not so sure anymore.

I have to say that's a BS excuse for several reasons. First off, getting a diagnosis doesn't change anything except people's perceptions. So you got tagged, and now suddenly it's an issue? Second off, aspies can change, who said they can't? I'll spare you the neuroscience lecture, so you'll just have to take my word for it. Sounds to me like you have bigger problems, or she's just using the Asperger's as an excuse, or probably both.

I think that is exactly the problem here, her perception of me has changed and it has become an issue, no surprise. I do see where she's coming from though I do agree that blaming AS sounds like a bad excuse.

Like I said I have showed her that I can change my behaviour, but it's unreasonable to expect that change to be permanent instead of me drifting back and forth (I only expect her to let me know when I am drifting back because I am just not aware of that happening). I mean it's not too much to ask for to be shown feelings like gratitude or affection and such. What seems hard for her to accept is that none of that comes naturally (not the feeling but expressing it) from me but instead takes a constant conscious effort.

I would just want her to see that this is not a reason to give up and there will always be times when marriage feels like hard work while at other times things seem to flow effortlessly.

I have been in a similar situation. I was 42 when I received my AS diagnosis. For my wife, that was some kind of a last straw and she wanted a divorce. We have four children, and had been together almost for 20 years.

My advice to you is to seek counceling and see if you two can be reconciled. If not, then let go of her. And agree together how the children are going to live and with whom and how often they'll meet the other parent.

After our divorce I met my current wife. We are both making an effort to understand each other. We have been married for 13 months now. (Tomorrow, to be exact.)

They are my everything. My family is my whole world and it's killing me to see it falling apart. I don't know how I will ever be able to move on.

I told her that we could try seek councelling. She wasn't completely reluctant to the idea when I said that we got nothing to lose in trying, but she doesn't think it could change anything.

Even if she decides to leave (hopefully she won't) you still have a family. You still have your kids and you can still have her friendship. There are plenty of divorced couples who are still close.

You might want to point out to her that rather causing your behavior to become set in stone, having a diagnosis allows you to identify the aspects of yourself that you need to improve.

Thanks for the advice. I just don´t know how I´m gonna deal with it if it all goes down. I´m gonna do everything to make her see that what we have is worth so much more than giving up. I think she is still too confused about all this. We are trying to get our first-born diagnosed and the second one is also going through therapy because of behavioral problems in the day-care and all this is taking a lot of resources so I can see how she doesn´t have much more energy for the hard work it takes to be in a relationship with me after all that. I just wish that in a confusing time like this she could lean on me instead of me becoming even more of a burden for her.

So why can't she? Just because you have AS doesn't mean you can't be a supportive or take charge individual. In fact, unlike other people, you should know what aspects of yourself you need to work on by now because they have all been spelled out very clearly for you.

What chores or child care responsibilities does she normally do that you might be able to do for her once in a while? What things does she tend to nag you about a lot that you could do without her having to tell you again? Sit down and think about it for a while. Make a list of all of the things she does to keep the house running and care for the kids, things she has expressed she would like help with, and things she has "nagged" you about and eventually you might be able to spot a pattern so you can gain a better intuition of how to be her partner and not another "child"

If you aren't sure or can't figure it out, next time you see her starting to do something you can do, like clean the kitchen or do the dishes or whatever, run over and say "Here, let me do that for you, you go sit down".

If she stands her ground and insists on doing it herself, don't turn that into another argument... turn it into a note for another time. My own wife will not want to stop doing something once she's already started doing it, and certainly isn't going to go to the trouble of "switching gears" just so that I can get some credit for doing something.

I'm sad to read that you're in this situation.

My marriage isn't going too well either. While wishing you luck to 'rescue' your relationship, you should also bear in mind that divorce is not the end of your link with your wife and children. The link will always be there, just different kind of link. Like Chronos wrote:

Specially the friendship.

Your children will always have you for father.