How do I get my boyfriend to understand my child?

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mominwa
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16 Sep 2011, 5:31 pm

My son is 12 and dx'd with HFA, ADD, OCD, and anxiety. My boyfriend seems understanding and willing to learn about my son. But he feels like my son is "getting his way" all the time. I, of course, don't see it that way. My son was dx'd at age 4, and I've gained alot of knowledge about autism. I know that people typically think this way about children with autism. Since they don't understand it, they just assume it's how the parent is raising the child.

Here's an example. Last night, my son was rolling around the couch, which he likes to do, and my boyfriend asked him to stop and to sit up straight. I turned around and asked what was wrong. He said that my son was starting to move over to where he was sitting and had kicked him a couple of times. Knowing my son, it was by accident. My take on this, is that my son should be able to relax in his own home (we're living together). The only time I say something is when we are in public. I am teaching him how to be in public. Like watch for cars, watch where you are going, no fits or screaming at mom in the store, etc, etc...

We have had talks about my children. Prior to moving in with him, everything was fine. But now that time has passed, he feels as though he should be able to give me his opinion and/or advice about my kids. I informed him that I know more than he does, though I don't mind him giving his opinion, I am in no way going to change how I am raising my kids.

So, back to my question. How do I help him to understand better? After the couch incident, he could tell that I was a bit miffed by his reaction to my son. He has been helping me take care of my kids, but he doesn't seem to understand the tantrums and fits, and some of my son's behavior.



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16 Sep 2011, 5:50 pm

I think it can be deeply difficult for people to really understand that our kids have real, true medical conditions they are not just badly behaved, spoiled children. The acceptance that your son's behaviors are due to medical conditions over which he has little or no control may take some time. Remember that you have lived with it and been learning about it for years so you are completely immersed in the acceptance of it. Your boyfriend is probably still pretty new at this so try to cut him some slack. I think I would try to talk to him about really specific things that your son does and explain how that behavior or need is directly related to his conditions. Connect the dots for him as much as you can. Try not to be miffed, try to be matter of fact, probably like you do with your son. If the rule is that your son is allowed to roll around on the couch because it helps him relieve stress or helps with sensory issues (or for whatever the reason) then explain that in your life, that's the rule and this is why. You may want to see if some compromise could be made like your son doesn't roll around on the couch when boyfriend is trying to watch his favorite TV show.



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16 Sep 2011, 6:06 pm

My experience has been that people who are intolerant don't change, they only pretend to change when its convenient. Many who do not understand Autism find it easier to call it an excuse and blame the parent or the child (there's a trend now to look at AS and HFA as a fad disability that doesn't really exist except in the minds of hypochondriac parents).

IMHO If he really cared about the child, he would have already put forth an effort to learn about the disorder, so these behaviors would be recognizable immediately for what they are.

I think you're just beginning to see the true attitude come to the surface. I hope I'm completely wrong, but for your son's sake, don't waste a lot of time waiting for someone to come around and become more understanding who may actually do just the opposite. When you're a kid, a month seems like two years and fifteen months living with someone who treats you like you're a worthless freak is a lifetime.



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16 Sep 2011, 6:27 pm

I'm glad this thread wasn't started in The Haven, for reasons that will become obvious.

mominwa wrote:
... Here's an example. Last night, my son was rolling around the couch, which he likes to do, and my boyfriend asked him to stop and to sit up straight. I turned around and asked what was wrong. He said that my son was starting to move over to where he was sitting and had kicked him a couple of times. Knowing my son, it was by accident. My take on this, is that my son should be able to relax in his own home (we're living together) ... I am in no way going to change how I am raising my kids.

Well, there's your problem - it seems to be all about you and your kid, without any regard for the man whom you supposedly love.

It's hard enough for a man to deal with his girlfriend's children when they are not his. It's even more difficult when the mother of the children allows them to get away with behavior that she would never allow to be inflicted on them. And for a man to accept being a punching bag for someone else's children in exchange for a place to live ... well, I refused to put up with that when it happened to me. I felt like the only reason she wanted me to move in was to have a chauffeur, a handyman, a day-care worker, a warm body to sleep with, and the extra income that my rent payment would represent.

I'm sorry, but when the only two choices I had were to either not complain about being some kid's punching bag or to find another girlfriend, I took my chances on finding another girlfriend.

If you want your boyfriend to stick around, then I suggest you make some concessions; such as designating a "Man-Cave" where he can retreat to when your son starts causing trouble, or maybe you could consider being at least as concerned for your boyfriend at home as you are for other people in public - after all, he is more important to you than a stranger, now isn't he?

Otherwise, if you keep up this "My Way" attitude of yours, he may eventually take the "Highway" option, just as I did.


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missykrissy
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16 Sep 2011, 6:53 pm

Fnord wrote:
I'm glad this thread wasn't started in The Haven, for reasons that will become obvious.

mominwa wrote:
... Here's an example. Last night, my son was rolling around the couch, which he likes to do, and my boyfriend asked him to stop and to sit up straight. I turned around and asked what was wrong. He said that my son was starting to move over to where he was sitting and had kicked him a couple of times. Knowing my son, it was by accident. My take on this, is that my son should be able to relax in his own home (we're living together) ... I am in no way going to change how I am raising my kids.

Well, there's your problem - it seems to be all about you and your kid, without any regard for the man whom you supposedly love.

.


i have to agree with fnord. yes, your son has the right to relax in his own home but so does your boyfriend and he is the adult. he should not have to be kicked, even if it is an accident and should have your support in teaching your child to be careful and that it might not be appropriate to get that excited on the couch when someone is sitting there.
our kids do need alot of exceptions made for them but being allowed to hurt someone shouldn't be one. being a step-parent to a special needs child is extremely difficult, i know, i live it. at some point he is going to have to be allowed to tell the kid what he does and does not like without getting 'in trouble' for it. i mean you would not like it if someone elses kid started kicking you and the mother said it was okay, right? it sounds like he is doing his best and that he is trying to be understanding and responsible in his dealings with your kids, you can't really ask for much more than that. go easy on him. he is voluntarily taking on a huge job so that he can be a part of your life. maybe it would be a good idea to find out what boundries he has in terms of the childrens behaviours. obviously being kicked, even by accident, is one(and it's reasonable). there are probably more.



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16 Sep 2011, 8:12 pm

I mean, when I went through this, I came to the realization that she had placed my needs below hers, below her children's, and even below the needs of strangers; in effect, she had prioritized my needs on the same level as the family dog! She did not want my help raising her kids - she only wanted me to help pay for her to raise them!

Sooner or later, the OP's boyfriend is going to come to the same conclusion (whether or not the conclusion is valid), if he hasn't already. When he does, he is likely to start looking for someone who will treat him as an equal, and not merely as a two-legged pet or fashion accessory.


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MountainLaurel
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16 Sep 2011, 8:37 pm

In the instance you have described, your boyfriend set a natural interpersonal boundry. Everyone has the need to set boundries with family members and house mates. It's untenable to live with any individual with whom no boundries can be set.

Your point, that your son needs to be able to relax at home, is not lost on me. I understand your choice of relaxed at-home behavioral standards for a child on the spectrim while he is being taught to behave safely and acceptably out of the home. But this delema does not negate that interpersonal boundries are crucial; even in the home; especially in the home, though they may be ralaxed boundries.



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16 Sep 2011, 10:11 pm

we try to find compromises that will allow the sensory behaviors while still letting everyone else enjoy the living room as well. for your son, that could mean rolling on the couch only when no one else is using it, or rolling on the floor instead, or the bed, or a beanbag. perhaps he could use the other seating in the living room if there is any, but if there isnt, then its unfair for him to monopolize the entire couch. we tend to be very accepting of sensory behaviors, but one big question to ask is whether the behavior is hurting anything. your boyfriend may have went overboard to ask your son to sit up straight, as not sitting up straight doesnt hurt anything, but it was acceptable to ask to at least not be kicked.

"accidental" kicks are understandable, but your son needs to also understand that once is an accident, twice may still be an accident, but three times really isnt an accident any longer. if he is doing something that is repeatedly hurting someone else, then he needs to stop that behavior, even if it started as an accident. we stress the importance of apologizing for hurting/hitting/kicking someone even if it was an accident.

my autie is 5 and has had his diagnosis for 16 months. we highly suspected autism for several months before that, and hes exhibited sensory issues his whole life. despite this knowledge, i still sometimes have to check myself in my reactions to his sensory seeking behaviors. i regularly have to remind myself that his behaviors arent intentional and are based upon needs and not wants. its hard to change a lifetime of expectations, even when theres a diagnosis.


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mominwa
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16 Sep 2011, 10:11 pm

I think my post was not explained well enough. My boyfriend said that my son kicked him. He didn't actually kick him. His feet touched his leg. Children tend to do this. I've never gotten upset with a child for doing that sort of thing to me. That would be incredibly inappropiate. The issue I am having, has nothing to do with how I discipline my children. My children are very well behaved. My issue I was trying to get some advice on, is how do I teach my boyfriend more about my child. It took me a long time to understand my son's issues, and I'm trying to figure out how to teach what I have learned. I was married for 18yrs, so I know how relationships are. I don't need anyone telling me how to be in a relationship. My parents were divorced when I was young, so I know how difficult it is to blend families. I'm not new to this. It is however, very surprising how people can make snap judgements about people with such little information. I'm sorry that I was not as clear in my original post, but if I had known that I would've been spoken to in this tone, I may not have posted.



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16 Sep 2011, 10:30 pm

How can you expect to explain yourself well enough to get your boyfriend to understand your child if you have not been able to explain yourself to total strangers on a social website?

You do well to defend your child, but consider this: your boyfriend may actually be telling the truth.

Keep in mind that we are not professional relationship councilors. You would be better off consulting one of those, rather than trying to solicit advice from strangers on a social website - advice that would seem to be based on only one version of the story; yours.


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mominwa
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16 Sep 2011, 10:56 pm

I'm not sure where all your hostility comes from. I've been on lots of forums and used to come on here frequently under a different name. I have never been treated so badly. People come to forums to get advice, another opinion, etc. It doesn't necessarily mean they need counseling. Forums are a great place for people to learn and to even make friends. It's not necessary to attack people. I'm sorry that you find it necessary to lash out at people. But with that said, I am thankful that a few of the posters were able to give advice in a nice, mature manner. It was greatly appreciated. Thank you.



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17 Sep 2011, 2:30 am

OP: I can see no hostility nor anyone treating you badly. It seems that you wanted someone to support your own view. When others were trying to help you boarden your view, then you started to feel they were attacking you?


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17 Sep 2011, 3:04 am

mominwa wrote:
My son is 12 and dx'd with HFA, ADD, OCD, and anxiety. My boyfriend seems understanding and willing to learn about my son. But he feels like my son is "getting his way" all the time. I, of course, don't see it that way. My son was dx'd at age 4, and I've gained alot of knowledge about autism. I know that people typically think this way about children with autism. Since they don't understand it, they just assume it's how the parent is raising the child.

Here's an example. Last night, my son was rolling around the couch, which he likes to do, and my boyfriend asked him to stop and to sit up straight. I turned around and asked what was wrong. He said that my son was starting to move over to where he was sitting and had kicked him a couple of times. Knowing my son, it was by accident. My take on this, is that my son should be able to relax in his own home (we're living together).


But not at the unreasonable expense of others. If your son is making physical contact with others in his activities, and it is bothering that person, then that person has a right to have their personal space respected.

mominwa wrote:
The only time I say something is when we are in public. I am teaching him how to be in public. Like watch for cars, watch where you are going, no fits or screaming at mom in the store, etc, etc...


That's great but there's no reason you should exclude how to respect the needs of individuals he lives with as well because it extends to individuals in general.

mominwa wrote:
We have had talks about my children. Prior to moving in with him, everything was fine. But now that time has passed, he feels as though he should be able to give me his opinion and/or advice about my kids. I informed him that I know more than he does, though I don't mind him giving his opinion, I am in no way going to change how I am raising my kids.


I think it's important that the best interest of your children come first but I don't see how your comment to your boyfriend wouldn't have made him feel irrelevant, disrespected, and unimportant. If this is a man you expect to have a long term relationship with, or marry, you are going to have to find some way to make him feel like he has a fair say in things without putting your children second, and that can be a very difficult balancing act when a biological parent and non-biological parent figure don't see eye to eye.

mominwa wrote:
So, back to my question. How do I help him to understand better? After the couch incident, he could tell that I was a bit miffed by his reaction to my son. He has been helping me take care of my kids, but he doesn't seem to understand the tantrums and fits, and some of my son's behavior.


Your son is going to tantrum and have fits and no amount if discipline is going to stop some of them, and your boyfriend needs to realize that. However your boyfriend also has the right to his personal boundaries, and your son needs to realize that.

Your son should be allowed to do his little generally annoying things as long as he does not physically or auditoraly disturb another person. If your son is rolling on the couch and was there first, your boyfriend should find another place to sit, but even if he sits down anyway his space should be respected. If your son is having a tantrum, unless your boyfriend is trying to distract or redirect him, he should generally not involve himself as your son will likely only see him as an intrusion and this will make things worse.
But if a pact had been made between your boyfriend and your son, for example, your boyfriend promises to take your son somewhere if he behaves himself during a trip to the DMV, and your son does not, then your boyfriend should be free to uphold his end of the bargain by making your son uphold his.



missykrissy
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17 Sep 2011, 8:21 am

mominwa wrote:
I think my post was not explained well enough. My boyfriend said that my son kicked him. He didn't actually kick him. His feet touched his leg. Children tend to do this. I've never gotten upset with a child for doing that sort of thing to me. That would be incredibly inappropiate. The issue I am having, has nothing to do with how I discipline my children. My children are very well behaved. My issue I was trying to get some advice on, is how do I teach my boyfriend more about my child. It took me a long time to understand my son's issues, and I'm trying to figure out how to teach what I have learned. I was married for 18yrs, so I know how relationships are. I don't need anyone telling me how to be in a relationship. My parents were divorced when I was young, so I know how difficult it is to blend families. I'm not new to this. It is however, very surprising how people can make snap judgements about people with such little information. I'm sorry that I was not as clear in my original post, but if I had known that I would've been spoken to in this tone, I may not have posted.


i totally understood what your son was doing. i have 4 kids. your bf doesn't want to be touched. he's allowed to not want to be touched and to tell people not to touch him. if he is there with the kids and he puts up with most of their behaviours without complaint then he is doing well. even with my own bio-kids i sometimes have to tell them to get off me or stop touching me because they are getting too excited or because at that point in time the touching doesn't feel nice to me. there is nothing wrong with that. it is alot easier to ignore that type of stuff with your own kids and it's great that it doesn't bother you to get hit repetatively by a carefree child while you are trying to unwind but that doesn't mean everyone feels that way. your bf clearly doesn't. while you need to put your kids NEEDS first, 'kicking' someone is not a need and it's probably not even in their best interest to not have them learn about personal boundries by stopping your bf from setting his own boundries. on top of that, if you are expecting him to help you enforce rules around the house then make light of his complaints you are teaching the kids that they don't have to listen to him, that what he says doesn't matter and they can continue on with what they want.



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17 Sep 2011, 10:01 am

Is there anything you have read that gave you insight to you son you could share

Teaching the child to respect space of another is good yet an adult that understands is a necissity

watch for any other red flags that your so has feelings of intolerance and try to share things you have read that helped you gain understanding Facilitate the relationship of your son and so in hopes they can learn to connect and discuss things on their own This will feel strange yet in the long run help your son to deal with different personalities and needs Unless there are red flags popping up everywhere you can give your so the info you have learned to equip you for interaction w your son and trust he will do that as well If he doesn't want to read the literature you present I don't know what you can do to help understanding of what you took yrs to know and understand Lots of talking or sharing your sons history doesn't equate to understanding for the way I work w understanding perhaps your so is an auditory "learner" and talking will work if he isn't an avid reader

I started out unsure the reaction fiance had of AS son and things went under surface yet never really resolved It turned out a nearly 10 yr relationship that ended in pain for the children and I EX never really accepted AS son and son was deeply hurt as this was the only father he'd known Red flags are worthy of attention yet with your situation perhaps you can push through the lack of understanding and find peace I hope that for you your so and son (and all kiddos!)



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17 Sep 2011, 2:52 pm

mominwa wrote:
I'm not sure where all your hostility comes from. I've been on lots of forums and used to come on here frequently under a different name. I have never been treated so badly. People come to forums to get advice, another opinion, etc. It doesn't necessarily mean they need counseling. Forums are a great place for people to learn and to even make friends. It's not necessary to attack people. I'm sorry that you find it necessary to lash out at people. But with that said, I am thankful that a few of the posters were able to give advice in a nice, mature manner. It was greatly appreciated. Thank you.


Not everyone in this thread is used to posting in parenting. Remember Othat Wrong Planet caters to a population that has AS, and that you are getting posts from people with the condition. What you got was an overly harsh response from someone who seems to have immediately jumped to thinking what he would feel like if he (as someone with AS) was the boyfriend. Overly harsh, yes, but not entirely invalid. What if that is an exaggerated version of how your boyfriend is feeling?

I do think the conversation with your boyfriend will work a lot better if you've remembered to acknowledge that he has a right to sit comfortably on the couch, too, and that the situation isn't about whose needs trump the other's, but how to balance them. If you've already done that, fine, but if you haven't, then it is time to start.

Do explain to your boyfriend that your son NEEDS to move. That asking him to reign it in will cause issues in other areas, and that you've lived this long enough to know that. Give him the whole speech about wants v. needs, and that you are NOT coddling your children over wants (as he may think), but are recognizing that some of them have needs in areas you and I may not be able to relate to.

Then ask your boyfriend if he feels his desire to not be touched by feet falls into need or want for him, and why he feels that way.

Move from there, if necessary, into a brainstorming how to make sure everyone in the household's needs get met.


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Last edited by DW_a_mom on 18 Sep 2011, 12:51 am, edited 1 time in total.