I'm new here, I have a question for diagnosed Aspies

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Hello everyone! I have been reading these forums for a while. I finally decided to join in. I have not been diagnosed with Aspergers officially and I may not even have it. But I have a question for people who were actually diagnosed with Aspergers. I hope you won't mind me asking. Please forgive me if I ask something inappropriate of offend someone by saying something wrong. I'm lost, frustrated and I'd like to know what's really wrong with me. I may just be confused about what Aspergers is. So, besides what doctors say, I'd like to hear from people who are actual Aspies.

By the way, the name of this site is so fitting: I have always felt like I'm on a wrong planet... or from a different one.

A short intro, (I can elaborate later, if anyone wants more details): I have lots of symptoms and personal characteristics that are typically attributed to people with Aspergers. I'm different than most "normal" people in many ways. On any test I can find I score high enough to be within the Apergers range. However, two psychiatrists I have seen concluded that I don't have Aspergers because I'm emotional, I have empathy for others and I have very rich imagination and enjoy fiction, sci-fi in particular.

Now, I don't want to offend anyone, but indeed, a typical Aspergers definition describes lack of empathy, emotions (inability to perceive others emotions) and poor imagination. However, I only know that from what I read and from what these two psychiatrists told me. They insists that I suffer from general anxiety and/or social anxiety disorder, possibly caused by childhood related PTSD (scientifically unproven connection as far as I know) but so far they failed to bring me any relief. They are all trained to use drugs and I do not respond to any meds we have tried or I have exaggerated side effects.

A Cognitive Behavioral Therapists I'm seeing, who is a psychologists, disagrees somewhat with my psychiatrist, he believes I have some form of Aspergers. He has patients who have been diagnosed with Aspergers and he sees a lot of similarities. I found an institution that does psycho-neurological testing and I will undergo the test. I was going to provide a link but I'm not allowed yet. It's called The Fay J. Lindner Center for Autism and Developmental Disabilities at the North Shore Hospitals Center in Long Island, New York.

Meantime, my question for you is this: is anyone here who was diagnosed with Aspergers but is emotional, compassionate and imaginative? If so, I am pretty sure I'm one of you. If not then... I don't know. I can provide a detailed list of my symptoms and some background information if anyone is interested in digging deeper.

Thanks a lot!

That's kind of what I suspected by reading posts on this forum. I need another opinion. My current doctor is poking in the darkness, it seems.

I have a hard time reading what people's emotions are in particular. I respond very strongly to whether people have positive or negative emotions, as well as have incredibly strong sympathy. I enjoy fiction, specifically sci-fi/fantasy. I have a very difficult time coming up with my own stories and such however. I cannot tell you whether I'd qualify as "emotional" because I have no idea what the norm is.

The enjoying sci-fi and fantasy is actually something I've seen listed as an aspie trait. I've heard that if we like fiction, then sci-fi and fantasy are the most likely areas to enjoy, because they're an escape from this world.

High levels of sympathy are also common in a subset of aspies. Difficulty reading what people are feeling, and incredibly strong reactions when you know what it is describes a group of us.

Personally, I'm diagnosed and without question compassionate. I also enjoy fiction.

However, aspies as a whole can definitely have those traits. We're not emotionless robots no matter how much others might think we are and no matter how much we might wish we were at times.

Interesting note about Sci-Fi and fantasy. I agree that this is a form of escapism for me, that and computer games. I don't enjoy movies, books and games based in current reality that much.

I often too have problems decoding what a person feels and read between the lines. But if they display strong, clear, obvious emotions I will react to that. I react very strongly to people's suffering in the news or I can cry at the ending of a silly movie like Ice Age.

I can make up stories though. My head is full of stories that I actually started writing down. Sure, they're all science fiction and fantasy.

Oh, I also get sarcasm too. I have very sarcastic and wacky sense of humor.

But yeah, the problem is that I also often don't know what the norm is. I try to watch people and learn their reactions in particular situations but often they seem irrational to me or I just stop caring and get used to the fact that I'm different.

I'm about to take off to my CBT session but I will write a bit more about myself later. Thanks!

Adam

http://www.healthzone.ca/health/article/633688

Bring that to your doctors for the empathy and stuff. As for the rest, that seems to be old fashion thinking, or extreme AS or something, but all of the people I know personally on the spectrum, from non verbal autistics, to high functioning people with Asperger's, Lots of them have everything they're supposed to lack according to those psychiatrists, but they are most definitely on the spectrum.

I'm glad your psychologist is taking this seriously, tbh, I've never really liked psychiatrists anyway.

What everybody else said. I also get metaphor, quite easily.

I have plenty of imagination, empathy and emotions: I have trouble reading other people's emotions on their faces.

And I'm diagnosed, at age 65, by a PhD Psychologist who specializes in Autism.

Psychiatrists these days are pill-pushers. Which is fine with me, when the pills are prescribed for my Depression. I think it bugs them that there isn't a pill for Asperger's.

Yeah, psychiatrists are pill pushers. I'm seeing mine mainly for Klonopin to relieve disabling anxiety that results from my inability to function normally at work and to let me sleep. I gave up on SSRIs, they make me sick.

Ha ha... repetitive and obsessive might as well be my middle names. Yeah, I get metaphors, puns, sarcasm, at least most of the time, and I'm capable of coming up with my own.

And I agree that reality is not entertaining.

I'm 44 years old now. I grew up in Poland and came to USA in 1989. I had miserable childhood, not traumatic, just miserable. My mom and dad had a dysfunctional relationship and my dad never accepted me. I was brought up by my grandmother whom I lived with most of the time from age 2 until 8 when she passed away. She was the only person that showed me love, affection and cared for me at that time. She taught me to read when I was 3 years old. By the time I started school I was reading full-length novels and simple scientific publications. After she died I was lost. I felt like everybody around me was insane. I learned that that I could not rely on anyone but myself. I was alone most of the time. I had one or two friends at most at any given time, but I always felt best when I was alone. I spent most of my time building stuff: playing with blocks (Lego like stuff), trains, putting together airplane models, building boats, cable cars, etc. I was always fascinated with building stuff. I hated team sports, clubs, organizations, etc. passionately. I liked to ride my bike by myself or with one close friend. I was kicked out of preschool after a few days because I was closed in and rejected other kids and the teacher. I was a difficult, stubborn child, I would lock myself in my room and not speak to anyone for days. I would not cooperate and I would accept punishment in silence whether deserved or not. Being grounded in my room was like the best thing that could happen to me.

When growing up thorough my teens, I tried to fit in, I tried to socialize but it was always awkward, uneasy. I have grown to dislike most social occasions, holidays as well as movie theaters, restaurants, clubs, etc. I had problems at school. I hated subjects and classes that I didn't have interests in (Chemistry, Literature classes, History) but I would excel and find it trivial to learn stuff I liked, mostly technical stuff, some physics, some math. Until I got a math teacher who was a complete idiot and a sadist and made me hate math for the rest of my life. I just wanted out. I finished the high school with some difficulties, my grades would be like As and Cs, rarely something in-between. Some teachers called me a lazy genius, said I had huge potential but never cared about anything. I just wanted to disconnect from everything and everybody and be left alone.

I also developed strong dislike for religion by the time I was 10 years old. It was just a pile of bull for me used to brainwash people. Stupid fairy tales that made no sense. I have been a self described Atheist ever since, although people called me more like Agnostic since I didn't reject spiritualism and I believe in forces of nature, I feel connected to nature and that is my "god" so to speak. I also don't act against religion in any way, I recognize people's right to have religion but they should stay out of my way. As long as religion doesn't affect my life I have no problems with it. Although, I do see religion and the #1 source of evil for thousands of years.

After I came to USA I was working too hard for many years to think about any of my issues. I was always a hard worker and loyal, but I had always problems with stupid people in position of authority and that often led to conflicts with my bosses. I finally went to college here and I had similar issues as in high school before with classes I didn't like, but as an adult I was able to adjust and deal with them somehow. Although, I did have few conflicts with professors when I refused to do certain assignments. Two examples: I refused to write a paper on "Discovering my sexuality" as it was nobody's business and I refused several projects in Public Speaking class, such as reciting poetry. If a professor was too stubborn to give up I had no problems complaining to the Dean's office and I'd eventually get my way. Even if that meant failing the particular assignment. But I never failed an entire class.

I started working with computers. I've become fascinated with them. They allowed to discover, collect and share information without all the human contact I become a support technician/analyst and have been doing that ever since. I like working with machines, it's the users that drive me nuts. Although, I do have some problems that affect my work, they'll be listed below.

Now, some time in my mid 30s when I started having problems with sleeping and dealing with crowds, noisy places and becoming notoriously fatigued, irritated and anxious. It kind of aligned in time with starting my new job as the support analyst which increased stress and required me to multitask heavily and deal with all kinds of people.

I was always sensitive to loud noises, lights an commotion but it started getting worse. At first I was given Ambien for sleeping. Bad idea. I got quickly addicted and it lost its effectiveness. I had to take a month off to get off of it. Then my internist said I had anxiety and prescribed me Celexa, then Lexapro. They gave me such weird side effects that I though I was going to die. So I eventually decided to see an actual psychiatrist. He gave me Klonopin and it brought immediate relief, I was able to sleep again. But I still had problems with focus, memory, concentration, anxiety, dealing with stress and pressure and most of - what I just though as characteristics of my personality - started to surface as serious problems. Some of these are typical for Aspergers some are not, it's a pretty confusing picture:

- I can't do more than 1-2 things at a time.
- I work best when I'm alone, I hate teams, meetings, etc.
- I become anxious and nervous when I have to work in a room with people.
- I hate meeting new people.
- I hate listening to people yapping.
- I have no friends.
- I'm a horrible diplomat, I take and say things literally unless I can control myself.
- I procrastinate often before starting something or I have hard time wrapping things up, I'd often jump between unfinished tasks, projects or even entire interests and eventually come back and finish.
- I often don't know what to do in social situations, where to put my hands, what to say, where to sit. I avoid any social events as much as I can.
- After being in a meeting or seminar or a social event my anxiety goes through the roof I need a long time to recover, to rest.
- I can eat the same meals for weeks or months, actually I have had the same thing for breakfast for years: bread with cream cheese and tea.
- I'm stubborn and rigid in the ways I do things.
- Almost everything I do has a particular routine, has to be done in a specific way, if not it'll throw me off and it'll take me time to figure out what to do.
- Yeah, I do things the same way over and over and it feels good.
- I resist changes (I hate moving, I had the same job for about 15 years).
- I don't tolerate interruptions, I might forget what I was doing.
- Things around me have to be placed, installed, mounted, located, hung, attached in a specific way or I will have the urge to change it and I will be obsessed with that until it's changed to my liking.
- I feel safe in my room where I can do things my way and my room is off limits to my wife.
- I never wanted to have children.
- My intelligence is supposed to be above average but I have problems handling tasks that other people find trivial.
- I visualize things in my mind, if I can't visualize something I can't do it easily.
- I have problems remembering verbal instructions, in particular multiple instructions or if they're given over the phone, I have to have everything written down.
- I have no problems (unless my anxiety gets bad) with following complex written instructions, I actually enjoy reading manuals.
- I have horrible handwriting, I never took notes in school or at work, I can't read my own notes.
- I type everything on a computer. Before computers I had a small Brother typewriter to take notes.
- I can't do anything spontaneously, a simple weekend trip to a park requires planning.
- I get fixated on particular hobbies (computers and bikes) and ignore the rest of the world.
- I get frustrated and angry easily when people don't understand me or at displays of arrogance and stupidity.
- I get frustrated if I have to explain the same thing several times to someone.
- I get fixated with details sometimes to the point of obsession. Like when I'm building a computer or a bike I can spend extended amounts of time on something like cable management or one particular part until I get it just right.
- I like to play with small objects, parts, feel them, look at them from all possible angles.
- I love taking pictures of nature and objects but not people.
- I notice little details in the environment, faint sounds and scents that others don't.
- Such little details can distract me from a conversation or a task at hand.
- Loud noises make me uneasy, irritated (car alarms, motorcycles and fireworks are the worst).
- I like to stare at people's faces, in particular unusual or even unpleasant looking and I often get caught by the person staring at them, I get fascinated with their facial expressions.
- I see patterns and shapes in everything: sand, grass, carpets, clouds, floor tiles, drapery, the way clothing folds, it often freaks me out: I'd see a devil's head or some monster I need to either cover or disturb whatever I'm looking at to hide the pattern/shape.
- I sometimes hear sounds and it feels like someone said something, like the sound actually produced articulated word(s).
- I get songs stuck in my head sometimes for days, it could be something I haven't heard in a long time or something I don't even like.
- My sleeping problems are usually caused by rushing thoughts, ruminating, or songs stuck in my head.
- I can go from extreme anxiety to total depression and back to anxiety in matter or hours, several times a day.
- I hate social occasions, family gatherings, holidays.
- I tried to kill myself once during Xmas: I was feeling very depressed and I just wanted to be left alone but my wife wanted me to go with her to meet her family. Being with other people was the last thing on my mind, she wouldn't quit and eventually made a scene and left angry, I started crying, I downed ~30 pills of Klonopin and drank a bottle of Tequilla. Luckily I threw up before passing out so I just ended up being sick for a few days.
- I'm super sensitive to fluorescent lights, bright lights will give me headaches or made me confused
- I have very sensitive hearing: I hear little noises no one else does
- But at the same time I have problems understanding speech if there is noise in the background: I hear the voice, but I don't comprehend what the person is saying.
- I don't like being touched and hugged unless I want to, except for my face: nobody can ever touch my face even my wife, I always hated getting haircut, I shave my head myself.
- I'm super sensitive to light touch, I have to wear loose clothing, I remove all tags and labels from everything.
- I can't keep track of multiple conversations.
- I can't talk on the phone well, I never know when the other person stopped talking and awaits my turn or I will interrupt them.
- I'm a bad liar, I'd rather face the consequences than lie.
- I hate small talk and social chit-chat.
- I only like to talk about things I like with people who understand.
- I have really bad short term memory, like I would put a tool on the table walk out of the room, come back in few minutes and I'd forgotten where I put that tool.
- But I have a good long term memory, my room is a mess but I know where everything is pretty much.
- I can't remember phone numbers and dates.
- I have some problems remembering peoples names but I never forget faces though, in a way, that I know I saw that face before but I may not know who that person is. For example I support about 300 users, when I see a user I remember what lab or office they're from, what type of computer they have, what problems they had recently, but I don't remember their name.
- I experience sensory overload that leads to shutdown: too much noise and light will melt into one cacophony where I can no longer distinguish individual sounds. It feels like I'm in a drum or a tube and the sounds reverberate to the point of becoming unbearable, overpowering hum. Lights will blind me, I will become so overwhelmed that I have to leave the place and find some place quiet where I can recover. I can become quite dysfunctional when that happens, I will drop whatever I'm doing - even if that would lead to award social or work situation - and I would literally run to seek cover. Then I may need hours or sometimes days to recover.
- Similarly, I experience something that people call "reality disconnection", in a stressful situation I would feel like I'm not there, in someone else's body, or out of body altogether and I'm looking at the world around through someone else's eyes or just two peepholes. This could be accompanied by some of the above sensory overload.
- I used to get frequent panic attacks following the above experiences or just randomly, out of the blue. I don't get them much after starting taking Klonopin.
- I cry easily when I'm depressed or where I see human misery, or even during movies.
- I feel uncomfortable on crowded subways: anxious, claustrophobic, can get panic attack.
- I hate TV and advertising, and consumerism in general.
- I don't like fashion, I don't notice nor care what people wear, fashionistas irritate me to no end.
- However I color-coordinate what I wear even though it's just jeans and t-shirts all of the time, but my socks would always match the top I'm wearing, etc.
- I'm obsessive-compulsive poster on computer and bicycle forums and you might have noticed that I have a tendency to make long forum posts.

Uh... that's about it

Adam

witamy!

I meet allot of the stereotypes about aspies. Struggle with understanding others and my own emotions, poor empathy, hate fiction, good at math, etc.. However, there are many aspies who don't meet the stereotypes. So I don't think they mean much.

Both sets of psychs can be correct. I am diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and AS. I also have suffered from PTSD symptoms in the past. It's not neccessarily a one or the other type of thing.

From what I've observed from being a member of this site for so many years is that levels of emotion and imagination vary wildly amongst different members of the autistic spectrum. At the two extremes, there are those who have trouble experiencing and/or identifying their own feelings and don't know what having an imagination is like, to those of us whose emotions oscillate wildly on a daily basis and who spend the majority of their time living in their imaginary world.

I suppose that emotions and imagination don't always directly coincide with each other, but it seems that artistic/creative types who live in their own worlds would be more likely to be very sensitive/emotional.

For the record, I'm one of those with intense emotions and an imaginary world. I personally can't comprehend how anyone can survive without having an imaginary world in their heads to escape to, and on that same note, I also wonder how people can have such good control of their emotions since that's something I struggle with.

Adam, I think about nine out of ten of your points, or even more than that, are things typical of Asperger's or Autism. Quite a lot of them are me, though I'm a rather mild Aspie.