How do you approach a guy for the first time?!

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So I would've put this in love&dating but I would rather have a female answer this. Anyway, to start off I'm a 20 year old, female college student who's never had a boyfriend and has no sexual history. So there's this guy in 2 of my classes in school and I've been eyeing him since the beginning of the semester. I really want to approach him just to get to know him and see if he's interesting but I'm so shy and awkward (big surprise right?) and I'm afraid I wouldn't know what to say. We've literally had 2 speaking encounters - one was when we were put in a group together for an in class discussion and the other was when he held the door for me and I said thanks lol.

It's not just this specific guy, I've had this issue so many times in the past. I have a poor history with guys so I have very little confidence when it comes to this. It's really frustrating when guys say "girls have it easy because they don't need to make the first move" because I've been waiting so long and NO ONE has made the first move! I just wish I knew what to do because honestly I'm bored with the way things are going and I don't want to be single forever!

I know this is probably an issue that a lot of other girls have so anyone please chime in if you feel the same way!

Shy people have trouble approaching the folks they're interested in because they are so wrapped up in how they will be perceived, they scuttle their best advantage.

The best advantage a person who's interested in another has is; the interest itself. We're interested in anyone who delights or intrigues us. When we indulge in the delight of an acquaintance's presence, it shows. Almost everyone responds positively to people who are delighted by them.

But if we are consumed by worry over how we will be perceived, that overwhelms the delight and shows as stress rather than pleasure.

Forget yourself and experience the pleasure of talking to a man who intrigues you. Allow yourself that delight.

I've approached a lot of guys, with various results, none of them bad. NTs (yes, even the guys) can see/sense when someone approaching them is delighted or intrigued. Allow yourself that advantage by forgetting about yourself.

Approach him for whatever you want. You want to know where he's from; ask him; Excuse me but I'm wondering where you're from, your accent is intriguing. And then enjoy his voice and face as he responds. Or, excuse me; I'm looking for a study buddy for this class, would you be interested? What ever you want, because as long as you want it, that will show.

Don't approach anyone dreading the possible responses; don't pre-think their response. Don't get attached to any particular result. Just approach, talk, and LISTEN. Experience another without shutting down. Remember, listen to him without getting shut down in your worry about how you're perceived.

Do this with lots of people, not just guys, but do it with guys, too.

Thanks so much for all the advice! I was feeling really down yesterday and this has made me feel a little better.

Try not to over think this. I know it's impossible, but try. It's because the more you think about it, the more serious and important and life-altering it seems. And it only makes it freeze (at least it does it to me).

Just tlel yourself all you do is making one small step. You like the guy, so you want to initiate contact. Like others suggested, start with simple questions and don't look desperate for his attention. People can sense when you really, really, really want their attention and most of them hate it (not sure why, but they do).

And seriously, if this guy doesn't take interest in you, don't despair. It's not a tragedy. It's one of the reasons why it's best not to over think it; this way, it wouldn't seem THAT important.

One word of caution, though: if a guy is interested, you will know. Even an aspie girl will be able to tell, I think. I mean, I'm horrible when it comes to this; I could never understand if a guy is interested in me and why. But if he's interested, he will reciprocate the conversation, he will ask you questions. He will approach you the next day. He'll take interest in you. He will do something.

My approach was always to obsess over the guy and bake treats for him. I think I had a tendency to become somewhat of a doormat and all the while the guy would be either clueless or just uninterested. It caused me a lot of anxiety, trying to figure out if he liked me or not and feeling sort of rejected all the while. I've since become more direct in my dealings with men. I've gotten some pretty harsh rejections but overall I feel like it works better than my previous method. At least this way I have the peace of mind of knowing if he's actually interested or not. I'm still learning too, my current boyfriend was a bit overwhelmed by how forward I was when we first met (he was 24 and I was his first girlfriend). But in the end I think my attitude is that if I'm sincere in my efforts to let the guy know I like him, he'll see me for who I am and will either be interested or not. Flirting is something I just don't do and it's not something I have any interest in. (Not that that goes for everyone though.)

You want the guy to like you for you so don't worry about coming across as awkward. There are guys out there who will find that endearing. I'm currently in my first relationship where I really feel like I'm valued and appreciated as the quirky, socially awkward creature that I am. If I'd known what I was missing I would have never put up with those earlier guys.

Oh yes, the doormat thing. I know what it feels like. To be honest, I don't know how NOT to act that way. Luckily, there are people who won't take advantage of it. My husband didn't.

But it's best not to be in this situation. You shouldn't look desperate for someone's attention. That scares people off.

Try not to obsess about a guy and think he's the one and only for you. It's always good to take things as casually as possible at first (I mean, casually in your head).

I could never approach a guy to flirrt. But I could approach them as friends. I mean, in my mind I had to think all I want is friendship, even a casual one.

PS- Oh, and only now I noticed OP's username. Do you Pearl Jam, or is it something unrelated to it? (I'm asking because PJ is one of my favourite bands).

I know how you feel. Believe me, I do. I wanted to have a boyfriend and I had no idea how to initiate contact or how to talk to a guy. It shouldn't make you desperate. It's possible to get a guy even if you lack social skills. Trust me, it is.

thanks so much for all the advice - I finally talked to the guy today! I mean I know it's not the only guy out there and I shouldn't put everything on it, it does kind of make me happy because I was so mad at myself lately for being so shy. Granted, it was in a group of severak itger people while we were waiting to get in to class, however he did make an effort to talk to me individually and I did the same so it was good! I just smiled, looked calm, and played with my hair WAY too much (nervous habit!)

For any one else who is ever in the position of wanting to approach a guy, really the best way to do it is in a group setting. It depends on your personality, but personally I think it's easier to talk to someone in a group conversation just to establish that familiarity. Then it should be much easier to talk to that person later.

Great!

And I wouldn't worry about the hair touching thing... It's a non-pushy sign of flirting and/or being friendly so I doubt he disliked it. (When I say it's non pushy I mean it's tame and safe and doesn't scream "I like youuuuu", but it's also a positive sign that doesn't make you look bad).

Oh, and I agree about the group setting. It might seem scary, but it's actually easier that way to talk to a person. It makes it all seem more casual somehow and that brings less stress.

Good to know! My nervous habit used to be biting my nails. I still do that, but since I cut my hair short I always push it back or brush through it when I'm nervous.

I really wanted to at least establish familiarity before thanksgiving break when we're off for a week. Now that I got through that it should be much easier to initiate conversation.