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rachael1013
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 2:31 pm    Post subject: NT Wife AS Husband Marriage Falling Apart Reply with quote

I need advice or to hear from anyone who has been where I am. I am a NT woman with a recently diagnosed AS husband. In the 1.5 years since we had our 2nd child, our marriage has been crumbling and we're both at our wit's end, depressed, and not sure how to make this work. We are both in individual counseling, and looking for a couples counselor who has experience with AS.

This morning, my husband sent me an article about AS/NT relationships and I've read there and in other places that people with AS may not be able to provide the emotional support than a NT partner needs. I am a very emotional person. I am having a hard time understanding how I can be in a relationship with someone who can't support me or understand how I am feeling. My husband has been upset because the physical aspect of our relationship is basically gone, to me losing the emotional connection is just as devastating. Right now we're in a place where I don't want to be physical because I have no emotional connection, and he doesn't want to give me anything emotionally because the physical side is missing and he feels I am closed off to him.

I am not sure how to reconcile our situation. I don't understand why these things were never an issue in the first 10 years of our relationship, but now they are. Sometimes I feel like he is using his AS diagnosis as an excuse for the way he acts. I am trying not to think that way, but it's very hard to come to terms with all of this.

I have had a lack of appreciation for what I do (take care of our kids, house, bills, etc.) and my self esteem is extremely worn down at this point, but I feel like every time we talk, he turns it around so that my feelings are something I am doing to him - that I am trying to make him miserable or make his life hard.

I think right now we both feel really hurt, and I definitely feel like he does not care about my feelings whatsoever. Has anyone here had a NT/AS marriage that has been in trouble and been saved?
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Woodpecker
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 3:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have some idea of where you are right now, a few years ago I had a glitch in the brain which made me giggle at a very bad moment. My wife who I thought was NT (who turned out to have AS) was very strongly offended, I thought that she was going to divorce me, but we sorted things out. Years later we are still together, and we have happy to be with each other.

For some years my wife had been telling me that I had AS, I was refusing to accept it. I was running away from myself, but after the horrible experience I sat down and refected on who and what I am. At that point I accepted that I have AS.

It is important to understand the difference between something that your husband does which is a nervous tic, brain glitch or a symptom of the AS,

,Those things he does out of terror or fear

AND those things which he does / says where he has made a clear choice to do / say it.

For example if he gets it into his head that he wants to go and live in a hut in the lake district (north england) and make a living from writing poetry. Then if he goes and zooms off to Keswick then he has made a clear choice.

On the otherhand if he freaks out at your folks dinner table then even if upsets you more than the poetry in hut at the lakes, then you have to understand that he is less guilty as he had less choice.
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LostAlien
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 20, 2011 4:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not sure if this is totally to do with AS/NT issues. It is possible that he really doesn't understand that your emotional needs need to be met for you to be able to enjoy sex (or even to have sex at all), it may be that you've explained this time and time again but he doesn't get it because of his needs regarding sex are different.

Men (regardless of neurological flavour) mostly experience sex as a physical act instead of an emotional one making it difficult for them to understand a usual female viewpoint regarding sex (this is probably made worse by his AS). To keep on trying to explain would probably work eventually, this is dependent on how much he can see things from other points of view though.

A thing that may help you in communication is using 'I' language instead of 'you' language with him.

Example: "I feel ........", "I like .......", I need to have .... happen for ...... to happen".

'You' language can make people feel hostile or blamed and reduce clarity in communication.

A thing to keep in mind, just because someone is diagnosed with AS doesn't excuse them for acting badly. Most things are probably not on purpose that he does. Although, I do find myself wondering why now after ten years is it becoming an issue.

Good luck.
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aspie48
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 25, 2011 8:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the big difference between AS and NTs in a relationship is that AS are always logical. you have to think in logical terms when you talk to him. you will have to teach him to express his emotions and tell him what you expect and what you want from him. Aspies have emotions but we don't like to express them and we usually express them in logic. if he sent you an article on AS-NT relationships thats probably a sign he's still interested in you. i would just try logically talking through things and explaining to him exactly what you need in your relationship. and also it would be good to stick with him because of the kids. seeing parents mad at each other is tough on kids i know because my mom tried to propose another guy and divorce my dad but then it got too expensive and the other guy had a family. and besides, AS is genetic and you will want your husband there to help raise the kids if they turn out AS. I mean i'm no scientist but i'd say you have a 50/50 chance of your kids having AS so it would be good if you understand your husband so you can also raise the kids.
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peterd
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 26, 2011 3:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It's not just that we're logical, but that our view of the world has been laboriously constructed from limited information.

Sometimes, after diagnosis, the information gets better and there's a chance of less gaps between his world and yours. In my case it's sort of a journey of discovery with my partner, although we're still looking for the thing that'll really make a difference.

It can take quite a few years after diagnosis too for the diagnosee's world view to reach some kind of stability again - at least, that's how it's been for me. If you're not up for that, better make a clean break now.
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BassMan_720
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 2:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is exactly how things are between my husband and I. If you start doing any reading about AS/NT relationships you'll find it's very common.
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zena4
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 3:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello Rachael1013,

I would ask something: are your chidren (two of them now) taking a big place in your life?
I mean: emotionaly, physically, in terms of time an maybe worries (when they're sick or something).

It's not the same to be a family of 4 than a family of 3 for instance.
... Which was already very different to be just the 2 of you (your husband and you).

Everybody has only a limited energy to spend every day and, as we get older, even that everyday's energy isn't so high that it can be when we're younger. Or the spirit has changed, if not the energy, the needs can be different for him as for you.

Maybe your actual trouble has something to do with this?
(Not accusing the second child of anything of course. It's just that s/he represents a very big change in your lives and maybe nobody really realised it?)
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BassMan_720
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 4:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BassMan_720 wrote:
This is exactly how things are between my husband and I. If you start doing any reading about AS/NT relationships you'll find it's very common.


I think somebody may have hacked into my account. I don't have a husband. I suspect (hope) my wife may have logged into my accouunt by mistake.
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League_Girl
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 6:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BassMan_720 wrote:
BassMan_720 wrote:
This is exactly how things are between my husband and I. If you start doing any reading about AS/NT relationships you'll find it's very common.


I think somebody may have hacked into my account. I don't have a husband. I suspect (hope) my wife may have logged into my accouunt by mistake.



She has an account here?

If you forgot to sign out, she didn't really hack your account then. These things happen when you and another person share the same computer and have an account on the same forum.
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BassMan_720
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 6:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

League_Girl wrote:
She has an account here?

If you forgot to sign out, she didn't really hack your account then. These things happen when you and another person share the same computer and have an account on the same forum.


You are probably correct. My desktop logs in automatically. I did not know that my wife visited the site. I am pleased if she does.
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BassMan_720
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was my wife logged onto my account. Hopes of any interest in helping improve our situation were quickly dashed. She was seeking comfort from reading about similar experiences of others, to know that she is not alone. Not that there is anything at all wrong with this. I trawl through these pages often myself to seek a similar comfort. I do this much more than I post. I was just starting to jump to conclusions giving me more unrealistic hope.

Rachael:

Your situation sounds so familiar. My wife could have wrote a very similar account and oddly enough so could I. While I canít speak for your husband directly, I can give a perspective from my own point of view. I certainly relate to earlier replies to your post regarding logic, understanding emotional needs and reasoning based on limited or even incorrect information.

I have known about my AS (self-diagnosed) for just over a year now (good grief has it been that long). My wife had suspected for some time. Since my realisation, my wife has written me off because she believes that I am unable to change. We live in Hong Kong where there is absolutely no help for adults with AS and so we lack the support of professional counselling that has the appropriate competence to deal with this complex issue.

Until my own realisation of my condition, I was totally happy in my flawed world. I was totally unaware that I did not fulfil my wifeís emotional needs. I was totally devastated at the pain that I now know that I inadvertently caused over our 25 year marriage. I am still frustrated that I will never fully understand what it is that I canít give.

Inside I am a very caring person. I am very frustrated that I have not been able to provide the level of emotional support that my wife has needed. While I may not be able to read her needs well or express my feelings to her. I still have a full range of emotions within me and I have never stopped caring for my wife. The physical side of our relationship is now non-existent. We donít even hold hands any more.
If your husband is anything like me, it is highly unlikely that he will ever understand how you are feeling unless you tell him explicitly. He canít help this. If you are both able to understand this limitation and you still love each other, you ought to be able to work through this. Once you have explained to your husband what it is you need from him at any given time. I am sure that he would be most willing to respond. My own earlier experiences of trying to respond spontaneously have often ended in disaster because I easily misread the situation and responded in an unexpected way. Leaving both parties unfulfilled.

It is so difficult to understand what it is that people with AS do not have in relation to their NT loved ones. It is something that they have never had and cannot recognise. I also expect that you cannot explain what you really need from him. It is like trying to describe the colour green to a blind person. You could describe green in terms of its physical properties of light but I doubt if the blind person would gain any realisation of its beauty from that description.

Because your husband is unable to understand what is causing the grief between you It is not really surprising that he can get frustrated that you and that you are using your feelings to make him miserable and to make his life hard. I have felt this way about my wife. I have come to an appreciation of what I am missing, although I doubt that I will never truly understand. I wish my wife would cooperate with me to at least let me try to meet her needs in some way.

I can understand how rundown you can be as a stay at home mom. This can seem a thankless task at times and greatly underappreciated. While your husband may appreciate your efforts he may not be able to show his appreciation to you in a way that you understand or expect. My wife too is a stay at home mom.

If you are able to work together to understanding this very limiting condition I hope that you will be able to rebuild your relationship, armed with your new found knowledge of each other.

Best wishes
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mv
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 10:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

BassMan_720, I applaud you for this sensitive and emotional look at things from "our" side. Bravo, for sharing. I'm sorry you're going through so much difficulty, personally.
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gadge
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 28, 2011 11:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes this sounds very familiar.

My NT Ex wife and myself had absolutly no idea that I was Aspie. She didn't help matters a bit n blamed me for everything. She would go out of her way to butt heads with me, just to piss me off, to get her way, you name it. She would even come up with some sort of BS logic as to why, It must of been my upbringing, my father, etc etc

My marriage lasted just 10 yrs and I wasn't the one to quit.
I'll leave it at that.



BassMan_720 has pretty much nailed it !!!!
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BassMan_720
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PostPosted: Sat Dec 03, 2011 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Rachel and others with a similar situation.

I have come across a great group dealing with AS relationships. It is a closed group and members have to apply by email stating why one wishes to join.

The site is mainly used by mature people who have been through all of the issues that we all share and many have come out the other side smiling. There are some very moving stories many of which are very positive. Something I have rarely seen on websites. It is not surprising that web posts are often negative because people that use them are generally looking for help.

You can find their introductory website page at http://www.aspires-relationships.com/
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MikeB2of10
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PostPosted: Sun Dec 04, 2011 1:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm still going through the diagnosis process as I'm waiting for my appointment, BUT I've had severe relationship issues because of what I and others suspect is AS. I am thinking of heated discussions with the comment basically being "and you are sitting there with NO EMOTION!" I know intellectually that this is because of a) I'm a guy and its exacerbated by b) the AS. However, I will say that being smacked like that only makes it worse because of c) defense mechanisms kick in. So, sounds like to me you are hitting the ABC cycle here pretty dead on.

What works for me is the following....and remember these only help...they don't suddenly bless me with the ability to be normally emotionally capable. Have the discussion out...outside...out in the car....out in a park....out in a quiet restaurant....any where but home. This gets you around the fact that you are threatening the order and comfort spots found in the home, worst spot would be the bedroom. As others have touched on for me its a thinking thing to get to an emotional expression. So I saw the comments about saying I instead of You, which I agree with, but a spot you can put You, at least for me is.....what do You think about X? Do You think you could X? Try to avoid feel comments, questions, and never ask why we don't feel something. It's like asking a midget why can't you slam dunk? The answer is we can't and what's worse is we don't KNOW why and for people so tied into thinking and being able to think things out you are asking a think question, a very personally one, about ourselves that we can't answer. It's almost like hitting go on a self destruct program, its a logic chain with a non-logical variable that we can't solve.

And finally, not to be crude on the physical side, but is there anything you can do? I get the sexual cold front has set it, but a handjob after at least a little success in a discussion or even an attempt might be something. Obviously something a little more would be good, but the point of the comment is anything. Again, remember A above, he's a guy, something's are better than others, but the physical orgasm itself is a damn great thing in and of itself. If you can link his effort in the above to some release he is seeking I think that can only help.

Again, main stress point for me is whatever you do, don't push him on what he can't do and definitely, definitely don't ask why he can't be more emotional, or point out his lack of expression of emotion, its guarantee that you won't get what you want and only make it harder for him to discuss what you want, even logically. I think this is the key thing for you to keep in mind, you won't get what you want, if you approach him on your terms.


Best of luck
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