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Kris30
Raven
Joined: Nov 14, 2011
Age: 32
Posts: 103
Location: Scotland
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 Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 1:31 pm Post subject: Forcing special interests... |
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Although I have a lot to be grateful to my parents for, they showed very little interest in me academically. They never knew I was autistic and my "special interests" were always pretty pointless. My son is 6 years old and he has been diagnosed already and i'm desperate to somehow plant the seeds that will over time manifest into genuine career prospects. I have become obsessive over his homework, to the point where he clearly feels uncomfortable. I have been teaching him Spanish for the last couple of years and although he has learned so much, he doesn't enjoy it and gets stressed when i suggest we do some. His first big obsession was Star Wars and this lead to an interest in space, so I taught him about all the planets and stars, but now i've started on things like atoms and molecular structure! He hasn't started times tables at school, so i've started teaching him them myself and i've even showed him basic algebra! I know this is crazy at his age, but i'm just so worried about his future! I know as he gets older he will struggle with autistic issues and I feel like this is his only real chance at life. His "special interests" are all very normal for his age (video games, football etc) and I do want him to have as happy a childhood as possible. His mother has had other children since we split, so doesn't have a great deal of time for him and I feel that it down to me to guide him.
Does anybody have any advice on how to find the right balance? Or will he just grow up to resent me for trying? |
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Sweetleaf
Metalhead
Joined: Jan 07, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 14828
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 1:44 pm Post subject: |
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Well you cannot really force someone to be intrested in something they aren't intrested in....I mean how old is this kid? you don't want to overwhelm a child with too much or they probably will resent you a bit for pushing so hard. But definatly encourage intrests he has that are useful.
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It's like alice in wonderland except, my names not alice and this is the real world not a dream. |
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KakashiYay
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Nov 10, 2010
Age: 33
Posts: 55
Location: Indiana
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 1:53 pm Post subject: |
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Not what you want to hear, but knock it off.
Very few kids thrive under such pressure. Your son has the right to his interests and the right to not feel that you're trying to exploit his interests. Sure, it's awesome to be able to hyperfocus on certain things, but as an aspie who is also a parent, I would have been *really* displeased by being pushed by my parents into anything as you state you are.
Let him come into his own with gentle guidance and strong support. |
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Kris30
Raven
Joined: Nov 14, 2011
Age: 32
Posts: 103
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Sweetleaf wrote: | | Well you cannot really force someone to be intrested in something they aren't intrested in....I mean how old is this kid? you don't want to overwhelm a child with too much or they probably will resent you a bit for pushing so hard. But definatly encourage intrests he has that are useful. |
He's 6 years old and way too young for the stuff I push on him. Just want to give him an advantage in life, but you're probably right that he'll just resent it! |
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azurecrayon
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 25, 2010
Posts: 742
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 2:03 pm Post subject: |
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keep in mind that not all autistics have special interests. or they may have special interests that are intense but very broad and could lead down a wide variety of paths. even an interest in the single subject of star wars could lead to space, robotics, movie production, set design, playwriting, etc.
rather than guiding him, try letting him guide you. ask him what HE wants to learn, where he wants to take the subject of interest. your son is 6, let him have time to develop those interests on his own. offer him experiences, but dont force them on him. your job is to show him the world so he can choose what he wants to do, not to tell him what to do.
i understand the pressure you feel tho. my SO and i have discussions already on how to steer special interests into career paths. but our autie is only 5, and like your son, his interests are thus far those of a 5 yr old boy =) best thing we do for our son now is to encourage him that the entire world is open to him and he can go down any path he chooses.... when he chooses.
_________________
Neurotypically confused.
partner to: D - 40 yrs med dx classic autism
mother to 3 sons:
K - 6 yrs med/school dx classic autism
C - 8 yrs NT
N - 15 yrs school dx AS |
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Kris30
Raven
Joined: Nov 14, 2011
Age: 32
Posts: 103
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 2:10 pm Post subject: |
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| KakashiYay wrote: | Not what you want to hear, but knock it off.
Very few kids thrive under such pressure. Your son has the right to his interests and the right to not feel that you're trying to exploit his interests. Sure, it's awesome to be able to hyperfocus on certain things, but as an aspie who is also a parent, I would have been *really* displeased by being pushed by my parents into anything as you state you are.
Let him come into his own with gentle guidance and strong support. |
No I totally agree with you and I also agree that pressure is a big no no! I spend the vast majority of time with him playing games etc, but try to spend an hour or two going over school work and teaching him stuff. I definitely need to tone it down, but if I just leave him to it, he'll spend all day playing his x-box 360. I can bribe him to do some work and he'll do it very happily, but that's getting very expensive! Also I don't discourage his own interests, i just want one or two to be worthwhile. |
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Kris30
Raven
Joined: Nov 14, 2011
Age: 32
Posts: 103
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 2:32 pm Post subject: |
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| azurecrayon wrote: | keep in mind that not all autistics have special interests. or they may have special interests that are intense but very broad and could lead down a wide variety of paths. even an interest in the single subject of star wars could lead to space, robotics, movie production, set design, playwriting, etc.
rather than guiding him, try letting him guide you. ask him what HE wants to learn, where he wants to take the subject of interest. your son is 6, let him have time to develop those interests on his own. offer him experiences, but dont force them on him. your job is to show him the world so he can choose what he wants to do, not to tell him what to do.
i understand the pressure you feel tho. my SO and i have discussions already on how to steer special interests into career paths. but our autie is only 5, and like your son, his interests are thus far those of a 5 yr old boy =) best thing we do for our son now is to encourage him that the entire world is open to him and he can go down any path he chooses.... when he chooses. |
Hey, thanks this is very good advice!
The subjects I teach him are all based on things he seems to be good at. He always talks about numbers and space. He asked recently if there was an edge to space? Teaching him Spanish was down to his language skills. His mum always says "he was born talking"!
I really like your idea of him guiding me and i'll put it into practise in the most fun ways I can. I'll also take a step back and teach him less frequently.
thanks again  |
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Bombaloo
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 01, 2010
Posts: 1400
Location: Big Sky Country
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Its a good idea to set aside time for doing homework ,if he has any. Even at this young age it is a good habit to start but then draw the line there. For his age 10 or 15 minutes is probably adequate. A 6 yo doesn't need to do times table. He will get there in school in due time. If he has a particular interest in it and asks you to teach him then I wouldn't deny him that but as azurecrayon said, let him be the lead. When either of my sons show an interest in a specific topic we will often go out to the book store or the public library and get some books on that topic if they want to. They can read the books to me if they want or I will read to them if they ask. I try and make stuff available to them but not force it on them. Your post just reminded me of something I read recently about parents and the expectations we have for our kids. Expectations can be a good thing because we don't want to set the bar too low but we must be willing to examine our expectations closely and be ready to discard them if we find they do not fit. |
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Mama_to_Grace
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 02, 2009
Posts: 915
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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I also spend a lot of energy trying to foster productive special interests with my daughter. If your son is uncomfortable, maybe your pursuit of his special interest has become YOUR special interest. Perhaps if you see it as that and try to funnel that into something more productive for yourself it would help everyone.
Unfortunately, we just can't control their special interests. Right now my daughter is into mermaids. Last year it was space (which I found much more pertinent and productive). Before that it was geography-even better! But right now it is just MERMAIDS!  |
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Kris30
Raven
Joined: Nov 14, 2011
Age: 32
Posts: 103
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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| Bombaloo wrote: | | Its a good idea to set aside time for doing homework ,if he has any. Even at this young age it is a good habit to start but then draw the line there. For his age 10 or 15 minutes is probably adequate. A 6 yo doesn't need to do times table. He will get there in school in due time. If he has a particular interest in it and asks you to teach him then I wouldn't deny him that but as azurecrayon said, let him be the lead. When either of my sons show an interest in a specific topic we will often go out to the book store or the public library and get some books on that topic if they want to. They can read the books to me if they want or I will read to them if they ask. I try and make stuff available to them but not force it on them. Your post just reminded me of something I read recently about parents and the expectations we have for our kids. Expectations can be a good thing because we don't want to set the bar too low but we must be willing to examine our expectations closely and be ready to discard them if we find they do not fit. |
Hi thanks for your advice.
I don't have expectations as such, I just like any parent want him to be happy. Unfortunately autism is an obvious disadvantage and the source of my concern. 10-15 minutes does sound about right, but I only have him 2/3 nights a week. I will take all advice on board and let him be the guide. |
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Kris30
Raven
Joined: Nov 14, 2011
Age: 32
Posts: 103
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 4:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Mama_to_Grace wrote: | I also spend a lot of energy trying to foster productive special interests with my daughter. If your son is uncomfortable, maybe your pursuit of his special interest has become YOUR special interest. Perhaps if you see it as that and try to funnel that into something more productive for yourself it would help everyone.
Unfortunately, we just can't control their special interests. Right now my daughter is into mermaids. Last year it was space (which I found much more pertinent and productive). Before that it was geography-even better! But right now it is just MERMAIDS! |
Hi, you're right it has probably become my own special interest, but again, it's for the right reasons. Reading many of the posts on WP, school is hellish for many on the spectrum and i thought that if he was passionate about something academic, it might give him the drive required. I take your points on board that we just have to foster interests when they crop up and to let their life take it's course. It's just really hard not to worry as the best chance of happiness for aspie appears to be making a living from a genuine interest. An antidote to the isolation etc. |
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SuperTrouper
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 02, 2009
Posts: 1117
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 5:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Why is autism an "obvious disadvantage?" Many autistics use their autism to be successful... I've done just that. |
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Kris30
Raven
Joined: Nov 14, 2011
Age: 32
Posts: 103
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:43 pm Post subject: |
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| SuperTrouper wrote: | | Why is autism an "obvious disadvantage?" Many autistics use their autism to be successful... I've done just that. |
I mean you wouldn't choose to be autistic. If you've made a career out of it, then that is encouraging and exactly what i'm hoping to achieve! I'm not aiming to be offensive, but being autistic (as I am too), brings about problems that are difficult to overcome. Making a career out of "special interests" represents his best chance in life. |
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Mama_to_Grace
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 02, 2009
Posts: 915
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 7:37 pm Post subject: |
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| Kris30 wrote: | | Making a career out of "special interests" represents his best chance in life. |
It's true. My brother was so angry as a child and had periods of hurting animals, drawing weapons on people, listening to dark, depressing music, lacked friends, was into D & D and martial arts, etc. He started to funnel his attention to drawing in high school. He became really, really good. Worked hard (constantly drawing and applying and reapplying when he was declined) to get into a premiere art school with intense art instruction, no core classes. He graduated top of his class and is now a very successful industrial designer. He lacks social skills, but has incredible work ethic and 100% laser focus on projects (often stays up days on end obsessing about getting a device perfect). He is making a lot of money and has been a great success-all because he discovered his interest and honed it.
Special interests can come about later in life-there's still plenty of time for your son. |
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Kris30
Raven
Joined: Nov 14, 2011
Age: 32
Posts: 103
Location: Scotland
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| Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 8:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Mama_to_Grace wrote: | | Kris30 wrote: | | Making a career out of "special interests" represents his best chance in life. |
It's true. My brother was so angry as a child and had periods of hurting animals, drawing weapons on people, listening to dark, depressing music, lacked friends, was into D & D and martial arts, etc. He started to funnel his attention to drawing in high school. He became really, really good. Worked hard (constantly drawing and applying and reapplying when he was declined) to get into a premiere art school with intense art instruction, no core classes. He graduated top of his class and is now a very successful industrial designer. He lacks social skills, but has incredible work ethic and 100% laser focus on projects (often stays up days on end obsessing about getting a device perfect). He is making a lot of money and has been a great success-all because he discovered his interest and honed it.
Special interests can come about later in life-there's still plenty of time for your son. |
Thank you, this is the type of story i was hoping to hear when i first posted. Seems that gentle encouragement is the way forward. |
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