Knowing how to comfort someone if they're sad/depressed?

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This is just coming up with a girl I'm dating...

She thinks that I'm supposed to know she's sad/depressed, and then know some little things to do to make her less sad.

Now it's not that I don't care, I do-but I'm not necessarily going to even KNOW someone's sad/depressed unless they tell me. And then I don't know what I would do about it. I mean at best I'm going to ask "is there anything I can do for you?"

She quite clearly thinks this isn't good enough. I don't even know for sure-is this the normal thing people would do/expect?

To me, if someone needs something, they should ask. I mean I care, I'd try to help if I can-but I wouldn't magically know that they want something, or what it should be.

I guess I'm just asking...am I supposed to know this stuff? Is it normal to know it? Is it terrible that I just want someone to tell me what I could do to help, rather than that I'm supposed to guess? She said it "defeats the purpose" if she has to tell me.

Ugh, it's stuff like this among many other things that means I'll probably be alone forever.

Just listen to her and keep asking questions. Think about the questions before you ask them and don't ask the snarky obvious ones that are probably going through your head. I've found that people don't really want to hear your thoughts or opinions when they're upset. They just want to talk and know that someone is listening.

Here's a guide to help interpret her feelings:

You: "Hi, how are you?"

"<sob>" - Upset
"F%^$ off!" - Upset
"Fine" - Upset
"Woohoo!" - drunk and upset
"Yee Hawww!" - Riding a bull, drunk and upset

and one to help you talk to her...

In your head: "What stick is up your ass now?"
Out of your mouth: "Are you OK, honey?"

In your head: "Are you serious? That's what the drama is about? Get over it."
Out of your mouth: "That's terrible. Can I do anything to help?"

In your head: "You whiny, needy, narcisisstic b***h...get over yourself"
Out of your mouth: "You know that I'm here for you."

In your head: "I wish that I could squeeze the life out of you and put an end to this whining"
Out of your mouth: "Come here, you look like you need a hug"

Well out of curiosity how would you feel if you felt a lot of emotional pain, felt alone and not understood and sort of hopeless, and she and everyone else was going on like nothing was wrong? If it would not bother you then this is not a relevant question I guess, but if it would bother you, imagine what you would like done for you... anything? Acknowledgment of your feelings? Cheering up from someone who has a different perspective and knows it's not the end of the world? Someone to hold your hand (literally)? I mean I don't know you so I am asking these questions. If it would come naturally for you to want some certain reaction from someone you could imagine that they feel the way you do and react accordingly maybe.

Thanks...I mean that makes sense, except I THINK I'm pretty much the same in reverse.

I mean sometimes I need to talk or something, but I THINK I'm pretty good at just telling someone I need it. I'm confused by how someone would know what to do (even if I appreciate the gesture).

I guess I don't understand why asking if there's something you can do isn't enough.

Ugh, life is too complicated for me!

I'd like to ask too-is this a problem all guys have? Is this a problem that some people on the spectrum have? Or some guys on the spectrum? Is this just ME and not anyone else?

Frankly my feelings are hurt by the idea I'm somehow less because I don't know something to say/do when she (or whomever) is sad. I care, and I'll try to help if I can. To me, THAT'S what's important. I don't understand what difference it makes whether I can come up with something on my own, or whether someone has to ask, or I have to ask them. I don't see why that changes things.

It's stuff like this that just has me feeling emotionally ret*d, though also like I'm DIFFERENT, don't act like I'm a bad person for it. My impression is this is something almost if not 100% universally needed by girls. I even TRIED to tell her I was VERY bad at this stuff and need to be told, so having this pop up on me was a surprise.

I see a lot of jokes on TV, etc. about it being a problem in male/female relationships that the girl wants the guy to know why she's upset but she doesn't want to tell him cause he should already know. Or something to that effect.

I think the issue is that the things that someone upset would want done aren't always practical things, sometimes they're in fact things that don't NEED to be done but that the comforter WANTS to do that makes the person feel special and loved and cared for. Therefore if they didn't think of it themselves and are just following orders it's not special, it is like being cared for by oneself or by a robot or something. Is there anything you are inclined to do that isn't practical when you see her upset, like patting her on the back and saying it's okay or something? Things that don't seem like they solve the problem but actually do in a way cause they make the person feel soothed and happier.

Wolfpup, believe me when I tell you, you are not alone. Even NT guys have this problem. It is not just an aspie thing.

I think Purchase has a good point...in short "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

Have you told her you have Aspergers? I found that this goes a long way towards a girl understanding you as a person and what to expect.

If you consider your relationship a learning experience, it will go much easier for both of you. You might even want to make a game of it. Have her write down the things she expects from you and you do the same. If you keep caring enough to ask advice and follow it, you won't be alone. Just keep trying.

In all seriousness, I know intellectually when someone is upset/sad/depressed, but I honestly don't get it 75% of the time. There's just so much drama and people obsessing over things that just don't seem to make sense to me. I feel sad that they're sad, but I don't share the understanding of why it's such a big deal a lot of the time. I'm not one of those robotic aspies, but I generally beleive that there's order and purpose to things and that they're not always going to be pleasant to me, personally. I can choose to be upset by this, I can fight against it or I can accept it. With that said, there are some things that pass by that filter and I understand as "sad" or "depressing" on a visceral and intellectual level. But that's far less than what I've seen most people get upset about. Based on your question, I kind of assumed that you were in a similar situation.

So, I was trying to humorously make a few points (and failed). Let me try again.

If you don't get it and can't relate, the best thing I've found is to get them talking so that they can work it out themselves. A lot of the time just getting people talking can be all it takes. Don't try to solve the problem (especially if you don't get it), but help them work through it themselves. Let them know that you're there for them unconditionally, but be careful about providing opinions or being indvertently condescending. (regardless of what may be going on in your head)

Be with them but follow their lead. Sometimes they'll want a hug and sometimes they'll want distance. It's sometimes hard to know the difference. Be approachable, and accessible, but don't assume that a hug makes everything alright.

Make it about them and not about you. It doesn't matter whether you truly understand or relate to the problem. It's real to them and their welfare is important to you. The problem itself doesn't need to be relevant as long as it's clear that the person is.

Of course, that's just my opinion. The "do unto others" thing doesn't work for me because I generally want to crawl into a hole and be left alone to figure out why I'm upset. I tend to get very irritable if people try to comfort me. If I tried to abandon my wife when she was upset, that "upset" would rapidly turn to homicidal urges with me as the target. I love my wife unconditionally and would do anything for her. It doesn't mean that I don't find it frustrating when she obsesses over some stranger being mean to her in the grocery store or because the car has a dent in it or any number of other things that I consider unimportant. *She's* important even if the things that upset her really aren't. (and "yes", I actually have had the mental sighing in my head and the "please..please..please realize that this is nothing in the grand scheme of things and just get over it" while I'm holding her and letting her cry it out. Maybe not quite as crass as my first posting, but similar. It doesn't mean that I love her any less.)