Do I need help? Is this normal?

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I'm not sure if this is a haven question or not, but since it has to do with relationships across gender fields, I figure this is a better place to start.

Most of you by now know my reputation here...my propensity for bitterness, and anger at my failure to connect with a person of the opposite sex.

I apologize for anything and everything I've said against others.

It is all me, in the end. And that is increasingly the problem.

I' don't know if it is the spring weather, and the concomitant rush of hormones per our ancient biological instincts, but I am becoming increasingly, utterly fixated. At home, work, all I can think about are women.

And combined with a growing sense of despair that I will ever find a relationship of my own, I've turned increasingly to online sources for (albeit temporary) satisfaction. I think I am drawn to these sources because there I am not judged as I perceive I am by women in real life face to face. Yet I find myself sinking deeper into self hatred that I have to resort to this to satisfy my longings.

My god, I find myself seriously considering paying for a customized video tailored to my personal whims, which is quite common on the net I have discovered.

But I fear I'm crossing a crucial line. I need to be focusing on my work as a filmmaker, but I have felt increasingly distracted from it of late. And this seems a crucial line...when obsessions and fixations are interfering with one's very life.

I so, so, so wish I could if not repress my hormonal desires, to somehow reduce them. How can I stop my fixating constantly? How can I pull myself out of this spiral of utterly meaningless self aggrandizement and deepening self loathing and sexual dysfunction?

I gather the average man thinks about sex every 15 mins, and that's the average of all age ranges. The younger we are the more we think about it. You don't come across as being unusual in this respect.

The only problem I can see is that your obsession may cause you to "come on a bit strong" and the girls don't seem to like that. Mind you, I was on the receiving end of that and didn't like it either, so it's not just a girlie thing.

Hard to get a girlfriend? You're not alone in that respect. Unfortunately I have no advice as to how to proceed.

Well i am a girl so maybe I can help. Maybe not, but maybe.

First, what you describe relating to your sexual proclivities and appetite seem completely normal to me for a man in his late twenties. The fact that you can find videos on the web that suit you is actually evidence that what you like is not all that bizarre.

Second, do you wear cologne? If not, go buy some. I am serious...women don't realize it but their olfactory systems pretty much run the show. We are, in general, more sensitive to smells than men. I am talking about good ones and bad ones. A tip though: when you go buy cologne, find a girl working that you think is attractive and ask her what she would buy for her boyfriend. (I know it is intimidating but they are a great resource and have to help you if you ask...it is their job.)

Third, have you tried dating an Aspie girl? We seem to come in two flavors: asexual and hypersexual. That is not a rule of course but there seem to be a lot of us out there who include sex as a special interest. If you manage to find one of these and she is also physically attractive, MARRY HER IMMEDIATELY.

If I think of any more tips, I will come back and post more. Stay tuned...

Procreation has become of limited interest to me. If one day I met somebody that I was interested in having a child with, that might change.

I look around the world, and do not see a place that I particularly enjoy, so I think that limits my sex drive.

It could just be my medication speaking. Some are known to effect libido. Are you taking anything?

If you speak to your doctor about being sexually frustrated, may be he can prescribe something.

All I know is that that is the very definition of when something has become a "problem," in one's life: When it's bothering you (isn't pleasant or welcome any more) and is interfering with what you feel a "normal" life for you is.



I would go to a counselor about this at this point, because I think only they are qualified to help.

And if necessary they might be able to refer you to a doc or psych who might be able to get your hormone levels checked, or prescribe something that might help take the edge off of them. Perhaps even something natural, like exercise/dietary...who knows? *nods*

Last edited by Ember_Of on 26 Feb 2012, 4:40 pm, edited 1 time in total.

A therapist might be able to help, and maybe some advice from female friends, relatives, etc. might help also. In the meantime, though, you need to find ways to distract yourself, and keep yourself occupied.

- Exercise
- Listen to and/or play music
- Read
- Hobbies
- Join Clubs
- Volunteer with charities
- Take courses, either in person, or online
- Surf the web--try some non-porn sites, for all kinds of info and entertainment.
- Watch TV/DVDs

Please note that I put exercise first, followed by music. Exercise can be very helpful to burn off all kinds of frustration and energy. Music can be very calming. These two can be the biggest help of the items listed, but the others are all good, too.

Hope this helps.

Well, this is sorta an issue you deal with as a Christian (I don't know if you are, but I'm just speaking for myself.) As you know, the standard is no sex before marriage, and no self-pleasure through pornography/masturbation. Obviously, we all fall short of that standard, but that's what it is. So as far as you using pornography, it's not abnormal at all, as like, 99.9% of guys do it, but, that said, it's not a "good" thing to do.

Anyway, you must ask yourself why you're doing what you're doing. Do you really care about making a documentary or whatever and saving the world with films or something? Like, really? Or is your lack of success with women just making you choose this path? As an Orthodox Christian, lots of people for example become monastics or hermits. And this is a blessed and sanctioned thing for them to do. There's nothing wrong with it. However, I'd say it is wrong to try to just choose such a lifestyle just to more or less run from your problems. Orthodox priests are married usually, but the higher level bishops and whatnot aren't, so it's different structurally from Roman Catholicism in that way. Obviously, I'm not a priest, or a holy man or whatever, so my advice is...my advice. It seems to me, you obviously desire female companionship, a relationship, sex, etc, as most people do. So, it would be unhealthy to use pornography just to substitute that. The desire is still there, so you're still using the same energy thinking about it and whatever as you would if you had a women there, thus it's not really more "efficient" per se. I mean obviously, having a partner is a time using endeavor, and if you are serious about film making and stuff, she'll have to compromise with you to make sure you can get your necessary and proper work done.

But yeah, I'm not a priest or anything. I'd consult with a priest or pastor on this kinda thing, as they're much better equipped to deal with this kind of question, as it's something they've either dealt with themselves. Protestant pastors might be MUCH less understanding of this, as Protestantism doesn't have any tradition of celibacy in their churches really, so they might just tell you "LOL GO GET MARRIED" regardless of what you say one way or the other. But, even St. Paul, he was celibate, and he said it was a gift, and it is, as you can just get more done if you're celibate and don't have to worry about a wife and whatnot. St. Paul also said it's "better to marry than burn with a passion." So, that's what you gotta figure out. Whether or not you can defeat your passions, or if you even want to defeat your passions, or if you should just marry and be like everyone else. I don't know your religious leanings, so you might not appreciate what I have to say regarding this, but your question is pretty similar to what most people ask regarding adopting a monastic lifestyle, so you might wanna research it from that angle.

Or maybe what I said is just totally irrelevant, I don't know.

Well this may be strange considering that this is about fixating and that it is in my name. Hmmm...
Well what I know is that when I was fixated by my past, I would find something to occupy my time so that it did not concern me as greatly like it is doing to you at this moment of time.
What this means is that you need to find something that can interest you.

Brian, the reason you are fixating is because you are repressing your true desires and needs, you haven't yet come to terms with them. You need to stop fixating on women as sexual objects as they will see that and it will make you appear transparent and desperate, I do think therapy is the first approach and distractions may also help.

I'm no expert, but it sounds like your confidence is waning and, whilst you feel lonely and want to find a partner, deep down you don't believe that is possible. But it is possible, you just need to take the steps to make it a reality!
Exercise is a great way to build up your self-image and even better if you can use it as an excuse to meet available women.
It seems like your problem is that every time you turn to face the reality of finding a partner, taking that risk, exposing yourself to possible rejection, your mind recoils in horror and retreats to the depravity of fantasy.
The truth is you have something a lot of women seek in a man - a strong attraction to women. You can make this more obvious to the opposite sex by dressing smarter, working out more, and dedicating time to chatting people up; by doing this you are saying, 'I'm looking for sex and I'll do everything I have to to get it'.
Stop hiding your desires under a guilty blanket, and start showing them off!

fixed it for you. not as universal as you might think.

*****

Ember_Of, i completely agree.