PatBruin79
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 27, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 5
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 Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 8:54 pm Post subject: I lost the love of my life because of being an aspie |
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| I screwed up bad because of how i am and my behaviors i scared away the best thing to ever happen to me. I cant stop acting weird and couldn't give her the proper attention and affection she craved and then i made her feel like she didn't matter. To top it off when we fought I would say terrible things and I never made her feel loved even though I do love her. I was just never able to show it and it kills me because i love her more then anything in this world and i never ever thought i was capable of loving anyone. I hate being so selfish. I need her back but she'll never come back because i blew it and i dont even feel like living anymore without her. |
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XJ220RACER
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
Age: 19
Posts: 82
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:00 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, sorry to hear all this. My recommendation is to be more gentle. Treat her like she is a fragile doll.
To be honest though, I don't think you lost her just "because of being an aspie". Women leave NT's for the same reasons you listed, many times.
_________________
Aspie 108 of 200, NT 106 of 200 - I seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits.
http://www.last.fm/user/XJ220RACER |
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cathylynn
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 25, 2011
Posts: 2010
Location: northeastern US
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:06 pm Post subject: |
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| consider it a lesson learned. there will be other women. learn to fight with fairness and respect. plan couple time. practice saying "i love you" so when you mean it, it will come out. |
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bookworm773
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Mar 22, 2012
Posts: 40
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| Posted: Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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| cathylynn wrote: | | consider it a lesson learned. there will be other women. learn to fight with fairness and respect. plan couple time. practice saying "i love you" so when you mean it, it will come out. |
YES! |
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Sowlowsolo
Deinonychus
Joined: Jun 23, 2010
Age: 48
Posts: 300
Location: Wiltshire,UK
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 5:09 am Post subject: |
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| Have you told her you love her? Is that something you could say to her cause I'm bettin you still have her number or email address? |
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PatBruin79
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 27, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 9:01 am Post subject: |
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| Sowlowsolo wrote: | | Have you told her you love her? Is that something you could say to her cause I'm bettin you still have her number or email address? |
I say I love you to her everyday but she said I need tomake her feel it it's just words to her. |
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Taybot97
Pileated woodpecker
Joined: Feb 23, 2012
Posts: 186
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 9:02 am Post subject: |
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| Sorry man. This is one of my biggest fears, my less desirable aspie traits will show and that be why she leaves me. I've learned to stop my self mid sentence if it's degrading and and compliment her whenever possable, hopefully it's enough. |
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PatBruin79
Emu Egg
Joined: Mar 27, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 5
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:06 pm Post subject: |
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| shes still talking to me but she says i don't talk to her like a girlfriend but as a friend but I don't understand what she means. I try to talk to her as my baby but I guess I don't say baby enough. I do talk to her different then my buddies but I guess I need to be a lot different. This is really confusing for me because I love her but Im not showing it like I feel. |
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curlyfry
come out from among them and be ye curly
Joined: Jun 14, 2010
Age: 43
Posts: 1491
Location: Latitude : 45.373. Longitude : -84.955
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Maybe ask her what made her fall in love with you in the first place? |
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nomadder
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Aug 04, 2011
Posts: 54
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 3:34 pm Post subject: |
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That's good, she's still talking to you.
She probably means you don't do things like:
notice her appearance, clothes, hair etc and compliment them (more than once)
ask about her day, her life, and ask follow up questions to indicate your interest (everytime)
give affection without sex, just stroke her hair, or cuddle her because you feel like it (everytime)
go out of your way for her without being asked (you see she needs/wants something so you do it just to please her even though it may be an inconvenience) (sometimes)
send 'thinking of you' type emails/notes/texts
It's a lot of work, even NT guys complain about this.
At the end of the day though, you are who you are. You can try to find ways that you're comfortable giving love and affection but if you have to create some fake persona, you'll eventually be unhappy and resentful. She has to be willing to understand where you're coming from also.
_________________
I think I'm a not so typical NT
Your score: 106/200 (Aspie), 110/200 (NT)
You seem to have both Aspie and neurotypical traits
AQ 23/50, EQSQ-R EQ 34 SQ 93 (Extreme Systemizer)
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AScomposer13413
Complacent Composer
Joined: Feb 02, 2012
Posts: 2047
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 5:36 pm Post subject: |
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| curlyfry wrote: | | Maybe ask her what made her fall in love with you in the first place? |
^ This! |
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smudge
Your worst nightmare
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Joined: Sep 07, 2006
Age: 25
Posts: 2112
Location: London
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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Both sexes listen to actions more than words...as the saying goes "Actions speak louder than words". It means you need to show her you love her, not just say it. You need to notice (and point out) who she is and compliment her for being her, and tell her not only that she is unique to you, but why, and how. When you compliment people, you must always explain why, and use your own wording because then it seems genuine.
Not only that, but see her as much as you can. It's kind of hard to do that though when people with AS naturally like their own space.
If you buy her anything, don't be cheap (unless you're buying for her all the time, which would be different). Examples: A box of chocolates from the pound shop, a box of chocolates past their sell by date (therefore reduced), a Burger King meal. If you're going to buy chocolates, get at least slightly expensive ones. She *will* be able to tell if it's from the pound shop. If you're really tight on money, then buy her nice enough things, but don't spend a fortune and not too often. Really, if she is that special to you (not that I'm questioning that, this girl obviously is special), *never* be cheap. It is such a turn off, because it makes her feel like she's worthless, or that you just don't care. She may appear that she appreciates a cheap present, but more often than not, she's just being polite. |
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waitykatie
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 19, 2012
Posts: 206
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2012 9:05 pm Post subject: Re: I lost the love of my life because of being an aspie |
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| PatBruin79 wrote: | | I screwed up bad because of how i am and my behaviors i scared away the best thing to ever happen to me. I cant stop acting weird and couldn't give her the proper attention and affection she craved and then i made her feel like she didn't matter. To top it off when we fought I would say terrible things and I never made her feel loved even though I do love her. I was just never able to show it and it kills me because i love her more then anything in this world and i never ever thought i was capable of loving anyone. I hate being so selfish. I need her back but she'll never come back because i blew it and i dont even feel like living anymore without her. |
These exact words could have come from a guy I was involved with, after I broke up with him. He was mysterious, amazing, passionate. Strangely naive, tenderly sweet, and also, at times, demanding, thoughtless, and cold - if he'd let me see him at all. Yet we loved each other in a way I'd never experienced before. I could hardly bear to leave him, despite it all. But I was young and social circumstances forced the decision upon me. I didn't think he'd miss me, but he sounded so sad. I knew he wasn't faking and I never stopped regretting it. That was in 1997.
In 1999, a friend convinced me to go see him. I cried and hated myself so much when he told me how badly I'd hurt him. We forgave each other for everything, and still loved each other just the same. But the insecurities and emotions caused us to misunderstand each other, and he sent me away. The despair was so overwhelming, I almost purposely crashed my car on the way home. Then I left the country, not realizing he'd wanted me to stay with him.
Now, we have both been through bad marriages, and bad divorces, and live 10 miles apart. When I (mostly NT female) learned about AS, it blew my mind. Suddenly everything he'd ever said and done (and did not say or do) made perfect sense. We have become friends and are learning to communicate verbally in a way we didn't before. 15 years have done a lot of damage to us both. Yet the love is still the same - as it's always been. Maybe even deeper now.
So don't despair. I've lost the love of my life so many times, I can't count anymore. So many times it seemed there was no hope, and the darkness swallowed my soul. And every time, I've turned out to be wrong. Asking the wrong questions. Allowing all the pain and insecurity trick me into thinking there is no hope - when there is.
Maybe you can't do or say anything to fix the situation right now (and if she's told you not to contact her, then don't). But you can stay alive, and stay rational. Use your brains. Think it through. Did you really blow it? Permanently - or just temporarily? Do you have an actual, tangible reason to believe there is no hope? Not even a miniscule chance, floating around out there in the future, that is simply not visible right now? Shouldn't you use your time wisely now, in case that chance is out there?
Sorry this is so long. Hope it's helpful. |
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firgalad
Emu Egg
Joined: May 05, 2012
Posts: 1
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 8:54 pm Post subject: |
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I try to avoid giving people advice on love, as I am terrible at it myself 
But I was thinking that you might want to hear from somebody that is in a successful relationship. I do not have AS, but my girlfriend does. And I will tell you this, it is possible to be happy and that at no point should you give up. The road may be bumpy and difficult but you can get there. I know its easy for me to say this as I am a NT, and I cant really understand how it is, but I can at least tell you what worked for me and my girlfriend, that I love so much.
My advice to you is to explain to the person that you love that there are things you are struggling with, and ask for both the person’s help to improve but also her/his understanding. There are some things that she/he can help you with, but there are something’s that can’t be changed. And this is something that the person you love has to accept. And if it is really the love of your life, she/he will understand and accept. We are all born with warts and wrinkles, but it’s only a fraction of the whole person.
I know that doing this is a tall order to tell another person about your AS, but remember if you really love the person then you will need to trust him/her and the person that loves you will love even if you tell him/she. If not, then the person didn’t truly love you.
The AS is not you, but rather you have the AS, and its you the person will love.
I have had many arguments with my girlfriend, and many things started (by both sides) because of problems with communication, expression and contexts. Many harsh things where said from both sides, but even if our arguments are so heated that one may think that the relationship might end, I and she always remember that many things said where not meant the way they where said, and most importantly that fights last for only a short while, and that the person that you love still loves you back.
Also if you get the feedback that you crossed the line, apologize. It may not seem like much, but it helps the person that loves you to remember that you actually didn’t mean to hurt her/his feelings. And that in the heat of an argument, many things that is said, was said unintentionally.
If your girlfriend/boyfriend really loves you, she/he will forgive you. And she/he will never stop loving you as long as you are truthful with your self, and her/he
(sorry for the terrible english, but i am sadly not fluent in it ) |
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scubasteve
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 18, 2009
Age: 28
Posts: 993
Location: Ann Arbor, Michigan
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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The most important thing is you understand what you did wrong. Therefore, you can learn from it.
I'd suggest going to her and acknowledging your faults. Acknowledge that you messed up. Acknowledge that you're not perfect. Promise her that you will try your best to improve and be a better man each and every day. Tell her how you really feel about her. And ask her for one more chance.
If she turns you away, at least you've learned from it, and when another love comes along you won't make the same mistakes. |
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