Dnex
Blue Jay
Joined: Apr 12, 2009
Posts: 88
Location: Georgia
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 Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 5:50 pm Post subject: How do you deal with funerals? |
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As Aspies, I can assume that nearly all of us don't care for them right?
So how do you end up coping with them? |
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Kurgan
I'm always right
Joined: Apr 07, 2012
Age: 24
Posts: 1851
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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| I don't cry in funerals, but I do mourn. When I find out that someone I care about has died, I would ratjer be alone for the next 24 hours to cope with it. |
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Intravenus
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: May 01, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 41
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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| I usually lurk at the back and kinda stay quiet. So far I've only been to distant relatives funerals and my boyfriend's family so I don't really have to speak to anyone. My boyfriend's Dads funeral was nice actually, everyone dressed casually and lots of jokes, because he'd been ill a long time so everyone had had time to come to terms with it. |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26302
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 6:10 pm Post subject: |
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| Awkwardly. |
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JanuaryMan
Aspierational
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 2621
Location: Hants, UK
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 6:10 pm Post subject: |
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I just try and stay out of sight as much as possible so I don't look like some guy going to the funeral just for the wake (e.g. couldn't care less about the person that died, when I just don't show any emotions when paying respects.)
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"A man is but the product of his thoughts - what he thinks, he becomes." - Mahatma Gandhi |
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soutthpaw
Snowy Owl
Joined: May 01, 2012
Age: 42
Posts: 151
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 6:18 pm Post subject: |
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| Tequila wrote: | | Awkwardly. |
X2. Maybe its cuz I don't know how to "behave" properly.. I avoid them like the plague.. Its not that I don't grieve but I don't handle it the way I think people expect a normal person to. They make me extremely uncomfortable and self conscious. |
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Who_Am_I
almost human
Joined: Aug 28, 2005
Age: 29
Posts: 10649
Location: My body is in Brisbane and my mind is in the gutter. :D
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 6:18 pm Post subject: |
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Look solemn and try not to think of anything funny.
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DaBeef2112
Snowy Owl
Joined: Dec 19, 2011
Age: 42
Posts: 144
Location: Toronto
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 6:30 pm Post subject: |
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I've never found funerals sad. Most of my relatives died when very old after battling serious health issues so I've always accepted that they were no longer in pain. (btw I am an Athiest). I only had one young relative die due to heart problems after giving birth to her 3rd child. I was sad but didn't cry, that is until they played amazing grace on bagpipes. Music, even non sad music often makes me cry, in this situation it made me look more NT. (I wasn't aware I was an aspie at this point in my life)
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Self Diagnosed Asperger's since 2010
Officially Diagnosed Asperger's and ADHD-PI March 2012
Your Aspie score: 152 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 42 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
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OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6990
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 6:51 pm Post subject: |
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I do ok, but I don't like to cry in public. Some of the funeral songs get to me.
The last one I went to was a young boy who was friends with my two older kids. He was maybe 21 and in the army reserve. He was killed in a car wreck. He was the nicest boy too, and it's a shame what happened to him. All of us went except my oldest daughter because she can't handle funerals. I offered to stay home but she didn't want anybody here with her.
I did ok up until they played "How Great Thou Art" and then I started getting teary eyed. Then they had a sermon. I was expecting a Catholic funeral since the boy was Mexican but it was Fundamentalist Protestant and the preacher had an altar call. I think altar calls at funerals are self serving and tacky. I disapproved of the altar call and so I wasn't teary eyed anymore. Until they folded the flag on the casket and gave it to his mother and played taps. Then we all cried. Wasn't a dry eye in the house.
It was closed casket so there was none of the walking by and having to kiss the body before they close the casket. That always creeps me out. I want to wipe my mouth after but it would be just too rude to so I just look sad and try to remember not to lick my lips until I've had a chance to go to the bathroom.
The worst funerals though are the ones where you go to the viewing at somebody's house. I hate those. I never know what to do and I'm always uncomfortable because I'm in somebody else's house who I may or may not know well and it's a very sad time for them and I always feel like I'm intruding, even though I know I'm not. Another bad thing about those wakes at home is all the mirrors, even the ones in the bathrooms are covered. It's not just a piece of cloth thrown over it either. It's tacked down so it doesn't fall off. If I've cried, there is no way to check my makeup because my black dress purse is too small to carry anything in and I don't have a compact and it's a private bathroom in somebodys house so theres not gonna be somebody else in there with me so I can ask to use hers.
As uncomfortable as funerals are, I think it's worse to not have one. My husbands brother's wife died a few years ago, suddenly. Their son was about 15 at the time. They took her from home in an ambulance to the hospital and she died there. My BIL went to the hospital but left his son home because he was trying to protect him I guess. Either way, the last time that boy saw his mother was when the ambulance took her out of the house on a stretcher with oxygen on. She wasn't quite dead yet then, but close. So, he called the undertaker and they talked and he had them come pick her up from the hospital, cremate her and then FedEx him the ashes in a little box about a month later. No memorial service, no funeral, no nothing. I didn't like her at all but I hope she haunts him until the day he dies for that. She actually may have been because he had to have her cat put down shortly after that. He turned mean and was totally out of control after my BIL decided to just cremate her and do nothing else servicewise. Oddly enough it was only to my BIL that he was mean to. He'd scratch him out of the blue or bite him, peed in his shoes and on his bed, pooped on his bed, etc. Only him and only after he said no to a funeral or anything. Maybe she was haunting him, who knows. He hasn't been able to get a date since she died, so maybe she's given him bad luck or something. I hope so.
Again, I'm rambeling. Too much caffiene today and a hormonal imbalance will cause that.
That's my take on funerals, anyway.
And haunting via cat.
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Frances
I can be a little much sometimes. |
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cathylynn
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 25, 2011
Posts: 2175
Location: northeastern US
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 7:10 pm Post subject: |
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i used to be at a loss, but now i just say, "i'm sorry for your loss." or just, "sorry". i don't stay a long time.
my dad died in 2008. i just thanked people for coming. |
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VagabondAstronomer
Hummingbird
Joined: Jan 30, 2010
Posts: 23
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 7:55 pm Post subject: |
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| I lost a sister and a brother within three years of each other, and they were the only ones in my large family who seemed to care about me and my welfare. For them, I bawled my eyes out. But, like everyone else here, I tend to stay back and feel awkward. |
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Callista
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 04, 2006
Age: 30
Posts: 9931
Location: Central USA
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 8:05 pm Post subject: |
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I go to them because I know that the people mourning the person who died don't want to feel they are alone. But I don't really tend to cry when I go to a funeral; or if I do it's mostly because I would have done so anyway, funeral or not.
When I mourn a loss, it's not this earth-shattering grief that you see in the movies; it's more of a quiet confusion, like I've had a piece taken out of my life, and I'm at a loss trying to rearrange the remaining pieces to cover the hole. Eventually I re-adjust, and that sort of lost, forlorn search for a new picture of life gives way to fond, somewhat sentimental memory. It's just not something I really do in public. Social support seems to be somewhat superfluous for me when I deal with losing someone, though I am quite willing to provide social support to the NTs around me, because I feel better knowing I'm helping them through it.
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DogOfJudah
Deinonychus
Joined: May 01, 2012
Age: 25
Posts: 345
Location: Staffordshire, UK
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 8:56 pm Post subject: |
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I don't cry or anything really, inevitably people die :/
Yes they're missed just have to make the most of the time you have people for. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 10:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Well ... in my family being quiet and sombre is more or less what the males are supposed to do at funerals. Very easy for me. |
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balletangel
Hummingbird
Joined: Apr 30, 2012
Posts: 20
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| Posted: Wed May 02, 2012 10:33 pm Post subject: |
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| I've only been to a few funeral, all family relations. If I know they are rejoicing with Jesus, it is much easier to deal with. They are Home, forever rejoicing and praising God. It's only for us left behind that it's sad for. I've cried at a couple of the funeral, like my Grandmother's. I tend to cry after the funerals after I'm home and alone with God. While it's sad, it's also a cleanings process that allows me to move on and rejoice again. |
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