new member. searching. exhausted.

whozatmac · Emu Egg Joined: Apr 29, 2012 Age: 34 Posts: 5

I've long suspected I might have aspergers, but it was mostly idle, in that I did nothing to confirm this. I have a long distaste for psychiatry, stemming from mine and my father's experiences over the years. I was treated for bipolar when I was a teen and in my early 20s. It did not go well. We had communication problems, and the medications sent me to worse places.

I'm 33, and trying to make my way through life. I avoid uncomfortable situations until they are magnified. I have trouble working with others. I melt down , and have huge amounts of trouble not voicing what I know come across as paranoid or whatever. I am always afraid that the people I love will abandon me. I am always afraid that I will merrily believe I'm doing and saying the Right Things, only to find I've been oblivious to others and missed something important I will be held accountable for later.

I've withdrawn into my room and paid more attention to esoterica about computers and cars than I have my own body let alone other peoples feelings. For months. I've struggled with alcohol. I've done prison time in Alabama, for a small amount of marijuana, but mostly for not showing up for court and court ordered appointments, which to them expressed contempt but was only driven by fear and my avoidance thereof.

I'm in a relationship with a good woman, and now I'm constantly afraid I'll mess that up too. Which, historically speaking, sends me into a tailspin. I have children. I can't afford to spin out.

My AQ is 37. I have no health insurance. I don't know how to begin to get a diagnosis or treatment.