LemonTree
Butterfly
Joined: May 01, 2012
Posts: 10
Location: Norway
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 Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 7:26 pm Post subject: Hurtful comment from coworker - what am I to do? |
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I really like most of my coworkers, and I think they like me too - I say funny things (because I see connections where they don't), I'm polite and I'm cheerful (not too happy, but they can't tell the difference). But there's one guy that's been annoying me ever since he got the job. He's impolite towards customers and towards several of the us girls, and he talks to us as if he is our superior. When talking to me, he acts like an adult talking to a very stupid child. On top of that, he's stupid, uneducated and not very successful in life. Now, I've been polite when talking to him, and mainly let him do the talking when we have to exchange a few words, because he makes me feel bad. Today, however, he hurt me so badly that I would love to see him "put to sleep". This is what happened:
He misquoted a costumer who'd just left, and since the comment was rather tasteless, I turned to a second coworker and twisted what the costumer had said into something different, pointing out something (I found) interesting about our language. That way, I didn't make fun of my coworker OR the costumer, and I felt that I'd smoothed things out. The first guy, however, started interrupting me in a rude tone, saying that I was just making stuff up. Quite annoyed, I told him rather coldly that I actually knew what I was talking about, to which he replied "if you ever find a guy who's able to put up with all your ideas, I'd like to meet him". That's the best way I can translate it, but the essence was that he didn't believe that anyone would be able to stand listening to me for any length of time. This really hurt, both because I do my best to avoid discussing my hobbies at work and only participate with what consider interesting facts when I think it adds to the discussion (the others at work don't seem to mind), AND I'm afraid of winding up alone, because I'm heavy, not beautiful and "blessed" with aspie oddities. So he really hit bull's eye with his comment, and I was so stunned, angry and sad afterwards that I didn't know what to say. I just spaced out for a moment. 
I can understand that he might have felt that I ruined his joke, but I gave him and the second guy time to smile at it, and I don't think there's a law against making new jokes when the first one has run its course.
But I don't know what to do about this guy - I've complained to my boss about him being rude before, and so have others, but nothing has happened, and this guy is impossible to talk to. Do you have any ideas on how to cope with this kind of people?
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"No, I'm not crazy, I'm eccentric. Big difference!" |
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redrobin62
Doppelgänger
Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 50
Posts: 4077
Location: Seattle, WA
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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| I've read your post, and I sympathize with your plight, but I've just gotta ask: Which aspie oddities do you consider blessings? |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26303
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 8:13 pm Post subject: Re: Hurtful comment from coworker - what am I to do? |
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| LemonTree wrote: | | AND I'm afraid of winding up alone, because I'm heavy, not beautiful and "blessed" with aspie oddities. |
Why? Please don't feel like that.
A lot of us guys like heavier ladies, you know.  |
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LemonTree
Butterfly
Joined: May 01, 2012
Posts: 10
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 8:25 pm Post subject: |
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redrobin62, I guess the "blessing" was an attempt on irony.  I'm thinking of the things that make me unfit as a partner - hypersensitivity, need of space and time alone, the automatic cringing following a light touch from a well-meaning acquaintance. But there are several things I find positive (although blessing might have been the wrong word, being laden with religion), like proneness to honesty, ability to think outside the box and a creative mind
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LemonTree
Butterfly
Joined: May 01, 2012
Posts: 10
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 8:32 pm Post subject: Re: Hurtful comment from coworker - what am I to do? |
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| Tequila wrote: | | LemonTree wrote: | | AND I'm afraid of winding up alone, because I'm heavy, not beautiful and "blessed" with aspie oddities. |
Why? Please don't feel like that.
A lot of us guys like heavier ladies, you know. |
A couple of weeks ago, a middle-aged man I know started a discussion with a woman we both know, with me very much present. The topic was "why can't guys at her (refering to me) age see past her looks?", and although he'd probably join my fan club if were to get one, he was basically saying that I was like a great mobile phone that nobody wanted because I looked like garbage.  Maybe it's just the time of the year when people feel like putting me down?  But thanks for your kind words - it's good to know that there's a ray of hope!
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"No, I'm not crazy, I'm eccentric. Big difference!" |
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Tequila
Trust the people!
Joined: Feb 26, 2006
Posts: 26303
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 8:38 pm Post subject: Re: Hurtful comment from coworker - what am I to do? |
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| LemonTree wrote: | | A couple of weeks ago, a middle-aged man I know started a discussion with a woman we both know, with me very much present. The topic was "why can't guys at her (refering to me) age see past her looks?", and although he'd probably join my fan club if were to get one, he was basically saying that I was like a great mobile phone that nobody wanted because I looked like garbage. Maybe it's just the time of the year when people feel like putting me down? But thanks for your kind words - it's good to know that there's a ray of hope! |
What an absolutely horrid thing to say to anyone's face. Horrid, horrid comments. Don't think of yourself like that - you sound like a beautiful person, inside and out, and a million miles better than the pathetic waste of space who made that comment. Don't give the likes of him any more of your consideration or time. |
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SpiritBlooms
Phoenix
Joined: Nov 15, 2009
Posts: 1024
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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| He's clearly not a happy person and is all around not very nice to others. It sounds as if you were trying to not insult him, and surely he saw that, and decided to insult you anyway. Good grief! Does the boss know how he is? Because if I were the boss I wouldn't want him even dealing with customers. I'm sorry this happened, I know it hurts, but consider the source. |
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OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6990
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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He sounds like an ass and I'm sorry you have had to put up with him. You have been patient and not been rude back it doesn't sound like, but that's obviously not getting anywhere. I think it's time to give it right back to him. I would suggest that you be distant and short and to the point with him, be cold and don't smile at his jokes or use a warm tone when talking to him but not an angry one, just a cold one. Don't speak to him unless you have to and unless he asks you a direct question, ie; if he's talking to you about something don't make those comments that people make like "Really?" or "Cool" or anything. It's uncomfortable to do that, but do it anyway.
Then, bide your time until he makes another really rude beyond the pale comment like you have posted. Say something back like "Are you always this much of a jerk or is this dazzeling display of jackassery all for my benefit?" and turn and walk off. He will probably be shocked and your other co-workers will probably be silently cheering you on. He may say something worse back, but keep walking and don't answer him no matter what he says. If he keeps on tell him "I have nothing to say to you and I'm not even listening to your yapping, so feel free to keep on talking, or don't, I don't care" and then ignore him and stay cold, distant and keep the communication to an only as needed basis until he apologizes to you.
That's what I would do. Don't let yourself be treated like that. You are the only one who can stand up for you in those situations, and if you don't do it then nothing will change.
Good luck and let us all know what happens!
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Frances
I can be a little much sometimes. |
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DJFester
Phoenix
Joined: Dec 06, 2009
Posts: 1025
Location: Minneapolis MN USA
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 1:56 am Post subject: |
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This guy sounds like a real jerk! I would do just what OliveOilMom suggested, and if he still won't leave you alone after standing up to him, then keep reporting every incidence of his bad behavior to the boss. If the boss doesn't believe you, keep a small voice recorder with you (but out of the jerk's sight), and hit 'record' whenever he's around. Eventually you'll capture some of the jerk's jackassery towards you... then play it back for the boss to hear.
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LemonTree
Butterfly
Joined: May 01, 2012
Posts: 10
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 5:41 pm Post subject: |
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SpiritBlooms, I don't think my boss knows how bad he is, as it's a while since I last talked to him about this guy (at that point, he'd only been sort of rude to me and some customers, and he actually said that he'd talk to him about it, but then he also said that he'd never heard any complaints before, while I know for a fact that another girl at work had complained about the same things some weeks earlier. But I'm never sure when to get upset by what people do - I'm not a natural when it comes to human interraction (which I believe is quite common on this forum  ), and sometimes, I just don't know if I'm entitled to be upset, or if I'm just being difficult or prude, but I think I will talk to my boss the next time we work together, and tell him about this incident.
I had to smile at your answer, OliveOilMom! It really is a good idea, and I think he'd be stunned, but usually, there are costumers around, and I don't think I can talk to him like that in front of them.  But I'll certainly cool off even more when around him, and I don't think it will be too hard either, since I most of all want to kick him, and that sort of makes it impossible for me to be anything else than borderline rude... A guy who used to work with me earlier fell into disfavour with me after he'd patronized me at several occasions, and since I used to like him a lot before that happened, he easily noticed the change in my behaviour, and I think he got sort of sad... But he stopped patronizing me, so I guess I won...
Cold disinterest to Mr. Ass, then! I really hope letting my boss know (then, if I do lash out at this guy, or in some other way winds up doing something unprofessional, he'll know what's happened in the past) will help - maybe he'll realise that this guy really is awful, and give him a warning, letting me avoid showing him that I actually care about his comments - I take great pride in never showing anger or hurt to the people who cause it, so it'd be a downer to actually letting him know...
I like the recorder idea, DJFester, but we're not even allowed to carry mobiles in our pockets while on work, so I think a bulky recorder would be a little too visible. Also, I think it's illegal to record what people say without their knowing where I live, so it might even get me in trouble. I did write down what he said in an alphabet I constructed some years ago, to make sure that nobody else can read the note if I lose it, and I'll certainly do it the next time he's rude
And thanks again, Tequila! I wish it was easier to just ignore stupid people, but it's so hard! Fortunately, most of the people at work are nice, and they really like me, so all in all, team LemonTree usually wins
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Peter_L
Blue Jay
Joined: Jan 06, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 97
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| Posted: Sun May 06, 2012 5:31 am Post subject: Re: Hurtful comment from coworker - what am I to do? |
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| LemonTree wrote: |
He misquoted a costumer who'd just left, and since the comment was rather tasteless, I turned to a second coworker and twisted what the costumer had said into something different, pointing out something (I found) interesting about our language. That way, I didn't make fun of my coworker OR the costumer, and I felt that I'd smoothed things out. The first guy, however, started interrupting me in a rude tone, saying that I was just making stuff up. Quite annoyed, I told him rather coldly that I actually knew what I was talking about, to which he replied "if you ever find a guy who's able to put up with all your ideas, I'd like to meet him". That's the best way I can translate it, but the essence was that he didn't believe that anyone would be able to stand listening to me for any length of time. This really hurt, both because I do my best to avoid discussing my hobbies at work and only participate with what consider interesting facts when I think it adds to the discussion (the others at work don't seem to mind), AND I'm afraid of winding up alone, because I'm heavy, not beautiful and "blessed" with aspie oddities. So he really hit bull's eye with his comment, and I was so stunned, angry and sad afterwards that I didn't know what to say. I just spaced out for a moment. |
. . . What a vicious little git.
Pay him no attention. There are quite a lot of people out there who would be interested in you, and I doubt other people are as harsh towards you than you are towards yourself. Remember; you are your own worst critic.
Women are far, far harsher on themselves than men are. I mean, really. I know quite a few women who think they are overweight despite me considering that they are anorexic. Almost all women I see who are actually a healthy size (ie; no ribs showing when wearing tight clothing) consider that they are fat, which seems to be mostly due to images seen in womens fashion magazines.
I hate to break it to you, but most of those images are so badly photoshopped that they may as well start off with a blank image.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_vVUIYOmJM
Very few women actually seem to think they are beautiful. The minority who do, frankly I wouldn't touch with a barge pole since they simply use their looks and sexuality to get through life without actually learning anything or having any redeeming features. As a result, they have a personality that is ugly and toxic.
In my view what advertising for womens products tries to do is break down your self esteem. They then try and sell you your self esteem back if you'll just buy their product. Personally, I would find it greatly satisfying if women would simply stop buying products that are advertised this way. |
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