GullyFoyle
Butterfly
Joined: May 03, 2012
Posts: 11
Location: East Midlands, UK
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 Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 9:13 pm Post subject: How 'Under the Radar' can you get? |
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Second post so I thought I'd keep it in the 'new' section.
Question: How well do you disguise AS traits in social situations with NT's? In times where you have to socially interact, or in lines of work where networking or team cooperation etc is involved do you find that it is possible to slip 'under the radar' and appear NT? If so what are your coping methods for this?
For instance: In situations where I will be required to socialise and am aware that the groups perception of me being socially confident and friendly is vital I generally use a humourous facade, very fast, very loud humour with as many jokes as I can cram in as it often assures that I don't have to look anyone in the eye and I can just be taken for a 'character'. In this way I can say a lot of outrageous things without ever saying anything too personal and appear confident. This however is very draining!
Anyone else care to share? |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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| For me it doesn't seem to matter a whole lot whether I act or not. The only thing that makes any difference is how comfortable I am. If I'm comfortable, I don't even have to talk that much, and yet nobody seems to notice anything. If I'm not comfortable everybody notices and there's nothing I can do that makes much of a difference. |
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GullyFoyle
Butterfly
Joined: May 03, 2012
Posts: 11
Location: East Midlands, UK
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| Posted: Thu May 03, 2012 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | | If I'm not comfortable everybody notices and there's nothing I can do that makes much of a difference. |
I know that one! Up until recently I'd always assumed that my discomfort was pretty well hidden but apparently my expression says it all and is generally followed by the usual questions from whoever I'm with: "are you OK? Are you thinking about something? You look very worried" |
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Sidharrah
Butterfly
Joined: May 03, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 12:28 am Post subject: |
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I can fly under the radar pretty well at this point, but you're right, it is absolutely exhausting if I have to keep it up for too long. A strategy I used pretty much all through child- and young adulthood was to pick someone who seemed to know what they were doing (whether fictional, like from a book or TV show, or someone I had met in real life) and mimic them. Over time I have discarded the pieces of those people that didn't really fit with me, and sort of cobbled together a confident, self-assured, socially able "alter ego" that I feel would be me if I really *was* confident, self-assured, and socially able, that I can throw on when the situation requires it  |
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GullyFoyle
Butterfly
Joined: May 03, 2012
Posts: 11
Location: East Midlands, UK
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 12:36 am Post subject: |
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That sounds pretty much spot on accurate as to what I did growing up. As far as flying under the radar goes it definitely works. It feels so much like putting on a show.
Actually its the reason for my name on here, the character Gully Foyle is from a book called The Stars My Destination, he has an eccentric persona he uses called Fourmyle of Ceres. Worth a read if 50's sci-fi is up your alley. |
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edgewaters
hibernating
Joined: Aug 17, 2006
Age: 40
Posts: 2426
Location: Ontario
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 12:49 am Post subject: |
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| GullyFoyle wrote: | | I know that one! Up until recently I'd always assumed that my discomfort was pretty well hidden but apparently my expression says it all and is generally followed by the usual questions from whoever I'm with: "are you OK? Are you thinking about something? You look very worried" |
I've heard that exact sentence dozens and dozens of times. I sure do hate hearing it. Makes me want to jump up out of my seat and go "I'M NOT F'ING UPSET OK??!!?" and maybe throw something or break something. Obviously I wouldn't do that but I still want to when I hear that. |
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GullyFoyle
Butterfly
Joined: May 03, 2012
Posts: 11
Location: East Midlands, UK
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 12:59 am Post subject: |
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| Think I've only slipped up once when hearing that sentence. I wasn't thinking and replied with "yeah I'm fine, just... bored". |
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MrBackward
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: May 01, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 67
Location: Victoria, Australia
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 1:06 am Post subject: |
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I'd like to know how this create an alter ego thing works as I too struggle in social situations
As for me everybody I know is NT and nobody outside my family knows that I have AS. I have few friends but thoses that I do have simply accept the fact that I am weird and dont care either way.
I am friendly so I dont have to put up a facade for that, I am not socially confident but I have gotten better by talking to random people around my university and have also been forced to make oral presentations for my course.
I always have trouble with small talk but I am improving! |
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GullyFoyle
Butterfly
Joined: May 03, 2012
Posts: 11
Location: East Midlands, UK
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 1:18 am Post subject: |
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I think age plays a big part. At 21 I wasn't great with anyone at University but I got better by taking note of what more socially confident people do. I also found getting pushed to do things like presentations etc really helped.
What I've generally done is had one friend that has been close and I think I've sort of used them as my social reference point, and yeah similarly I only know NT's. |
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AlfTupper
Emu Egg
Joined: Apr 30, 2012
Posts: 8
Location: Tauranga, New Zealand
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 4:27 am Post subject: |
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| Im still working all this out ... I work in healthcare, and 'reading' the emotional aspects of the job was difficult (when younger I was aware I was 'faking' stuff to get by). A couple of people over the years have referred to me as being 'on the wrong planet' (which felt very threatening, like Id been 'spotted'), and was something that drew me to this site when I recently found a reference to it. A colleague (qualified in the area) bluntly told me I was ' a high-functioning Aspergers' a couple of years ago and Ive only recently found the courage to even visit here to Explore stuff. Help. |
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SilkySifaka
Lemur
Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 1396
Location: UK
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 5:13 am Post subject: |
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| Sidharrah wrote: | | I can fly under the radar pretty well at this point, but you're right, it is absolutely exhausting if I have to keep it up for too long. A strategy I used pretty much all through child- and young adulthood was to pick someone who seemed to know what they were doing (whether fictional, like from a book or TV show, or someone I had met in real life) and mimic them. Over time I have discarded the pieces of those people that didn't really fit with me, and sort of cobbled together a confident, self-assured, socially able "alter ego" that I feel would be me if I really *was* confident, self-assured, and socially able, that I can throw on when the situation requires it |
That is exactly what I have always done. For a long time I got very confused about how much of my public persona was 'me' and how much of it was someone else. I've always felt I was acting in public, and that used to make me feel like a fraud. Now I know why I do it, I feel a little better about it.
I can fly under the radar quite well for short bouts, but when I'm not actually talking to someone I go blank and people ask me if I'm OK quite a lot or if I am nervous because how ever hard I try I am always fidgeting with my clothes or hair. I try and keep a neutral expression on my face, but I have to make a conscious effort to do so.
When my Mum was a teen and worried about her appearance my Granny used to say 'Don't worry, I'm sure no-one will be looking at you anyway', which is quite blunt but probably true. So when I am worried I just remember that most people are quite caught up in themselves and likely don't notice the little things that I feel self conscious about. |
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anonymousaspie
Emu Egg
Joined: May 03, 2012
Posts: 8
Location: Cape Town, South Africa
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 8:22 am Post subject: |
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| SilkySifaka wrote: | | That is exactly what I have always done. For a long time I got very confused about how much of my public persona was 'me' and how much of it was someone else. I've always felt I was acting in public, and that used to make me feel like a fraud. Now I know why I do it, I feel a little better about it. |
wow, you just managed in 4 sentences to say something that would take me paragraphs. i'm so glad i'm not the only one that felt this way, though - and at least i now understand why as well. mine alter-ego was more than just in public, it was when i was around anyone.
| SilkySifaka wrote: | | I can fly under the radar quite well for short bouts, but when I'm not actually talking to someone I go blank and people ask me if I'm OK quite a lot or if I am nervous because how ever hard I try I am always fidgeting with my clothes or hair. I try and keep a neutral expression on my face, but I have to make a conscious effort to do so. |
sounds very familar. when i'm not talking to someone i automatically default to what i always thought of as a neutral expression - this often ends up me having to fend off questions such as GullyFoyle mentioned above ("are you ok?", "what's wrong?", etc)
| SilkySifaka wrote: | | When my Mum was a teen and worried about her appearance my Granny used to say 'Don't worry, I'm sure no-one will be looking at you anyway', which is quite blunt but probably true. So when I am worried I just remember that most people are quite caught up in themselves and likely don't notice the little things that I feel self conscious about. |
my experience has, unfortunately for me, been quite different as mentioned above. although, admittedly, they don't seem to comment on my fidgeting... |
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Agatha
Emu Egg
Joined: May 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 9:40 am Post subject: |
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I also struggled for a long time about what was me and what was the persona I put on. It stared with me adopting a super defensive posture in middle school. I was really confused for a long time. I tried persona after persona looking for one that wouldn't make me so different, so unwanted. But the behaviors people took objection to, i could never change. I felt like a failure for not being able to fix myself. Sometimes I still feel that way. I don't think the alter ego thing works for me. It just unmoors me from the truth that I need so badly, because I'm pretty seriously lacking in the theory of mind department.
I'm most successful at flying under the radar at work when I focus on the work. I come across as serious and 'on a mission', but they don't ask what's wrong with me. I tend to get asked those (insulting) questions when I'm tired, the work is unsuitable to me, or not able to focus on work because it's a team building exercise... Or working in one of those places where you lunch with your co-workers.
Unsuitable work is the worst because it takes so much energy and so many coping strategies just to deal with the environment that my coworkers noticed my coping strategies.
Socially I fly under the radar only by performing, and I get so tired. And still it doesn't quite work. People always remember me though, and they tend to think the same thing. Universally, I get "smart, intense, odd", and people are usually eager to tell me how strange they find me. So I quit trying to pass. I try not to be rude, but I still say the 'wrong' thing often. I apologize if I hurt someone. I try my best to understand and be understood, but I am who I am. I am trying to learn not to apologize for it. |
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Sidharrah
Butterfly
Joined: May 03, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 12:51 pm Post subject: |
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| Heh when people tell me I am strange or odd, I tell them I prefer "eccentric." |
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Agatha
Emu Egg
Joined: May 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 7
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2012 1:06 pm Post subject: |
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| I actually prefer odd to intense... But my favorite is colorful. I don't get that one often though. |
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