KinetiK
Raven
Joined: Jul 08, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 118
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 Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 12:52 am Post subject: not sure what to do next |
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Hey guys, I'm a 21 year old male with AS and I've never dated before tonight. I went out with this woman tonight (she's 26) and I really really like her. She's beautiful, blue-eyed (heh, I like blue eyes), but most of all very intelligent and very unique in her fashion sense, her way of looking at things, etc. In other words not a plain Jane and exactly what I want.
We are both students at the same university and had gone out to lunch twice before. The first time I asked her she seemed very enthusiastic which was a good sign. Both times we ended up talking and having long, deep conversations about religion, culture, etc. for hours at a time. I finally asked her out for a real dinner date and, again, she seemed really enthusiastic. We went to a restaurant and talked for 2 hours, then went to Starbucks and talked for almost 2 more (both times we went to lunch we also talked for hours). There were no awkward silences, which seems to indicate that there's a real connection there. The problem is I don't really know because she could be giving off a lot of nonverbal cues I don't pick up on, maybe she just sees me as a really interesting friend to talk to? She offered to go Dutch on the meal tonight (I refused) and we both met at the place as opposed to me picking her up. My mom suggested that maybe it's more indicative of a friendship (mom couldn't help but intervene in this...) but maybe it's just because she's more independent/feminist and she doesn't want to feel like she's being pampered over.
She knows I have AS and we have discussed it, she also was diagnosed with pragmatic language impairment, which is somewhat similar. This may create an odd situation where she has trouble verbalizing things (personally I think she's fine at it) and I have trouble understanding the non-verbal things. The main problem is I don't know what to do next non-verbally. I haven't touched her in any way yet, and I haven't flirted because I don't know how and also because I think it would be weird if I tried. At what point should I try and display my intentions nonverbally? I'm thinking about taking her out to bowling next time, maybe that would give me an excuse to hold her hand or something...I know this sounds really creepy but I'm worried that if I never try to flirt or do any of this stuff she may just permanently see me as a friend. I have zero experience in this area obviously.
I guess I'm just wondering how I should navigate this. Should I just play it by ear and just have a good time again and see where it goes? Or should I be more active in this regard? What has worked for you other AS guys in the past? I'm probably just doing the aspie thing and overanalyzing, but I think we have something really great going and I would hate to lose it, I've never met a woman/girl as interesting as her. |
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ThinkTrees
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
Posts: 218
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 1:31 am Post subject: |
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As a girl, I always offer to go Dutch, it just seems polite and fair.
I would also recommend no actual flirting, as it usually comes off as sleazy & very off-putting, even when people think they are good at it...ich.
Be yourself, she obviously likes you as you, and take it as it comes, hold hands when it feels right, etc., it's ok to be awkward as long as you're genuine.
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AS 169/200
NT 23/200
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Maerlyn138
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 476
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 1:41 am Post subject: |
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Yes, I would continue forward and play it by ear. You're already making good progress. Try and notice where her eyes are looking when you two are talking. Is she looking at your eyes, lips, chest.. Also does she make physical contact at all? Does she touch your arm or leg while laughing or making a point? These are all positive signs of attraction. BTW, I looked these up and read about them, I didn't learn them "on the streets" so to speak.
Conversely, try these things on her. When she's looking at you glace at her lips and back. Not over and over again , but once or twice during the date. Also, give a little contact by touching her arm/shoulder/knee and note the response.
_________________
We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
Aspie score: 159 of 200 NT score: 64 of 200
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KinetiK
Raven
Joined: Jul 08, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 118
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 2:14 am Post subject: |
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| Maerlyn138 wrote: | Yes, I would continue forward and play it by ear. You're already making good progress. Try and notice where her eyes are looking when you two are talking. Is she looking at your eyes, lips, chest.. Also does she make physical contact at all? Does she touch your arm or leg while laughing or making a point? These are all positive signs of attraction. BTW, I looked these up and read about them, I didn't learn them "on the streets" so to speak.
Conversely, try these things on her. When she's looking at you glace at her lips and back. Not over and over again , but once or twice during the date. Also, give a little contact by touching her arm/shoulder/knee and note the response. |
Well here's the thing, I have a hard time talking and looking people in the eyes at the same time, it's usually one or the other. I can do it for a second or two but more than that and I get overwhelmed/forget what I was talking about. I don't have too hard of a time looking people in the eyes though when I'm listening, although I can't do it too much because again it gets overwhelming. She seems to be looking at my eyes most of the time and seems very relaxed/open, I feel we can be honest with each other and I don't have to hide things. As of yet she hasn't really touched me...she's a bit shy herself plus being a female in this society it's usually the guy that does this stuff first (but what do I know, right?).
I did look at her lips a couple times tonight. Unconsciously really, she really has a beautiful face. Not sure how she responded though, I was too busy listening to what was being said.
BTW, nice Aphex reference in your sig. |
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Maerlyn138
Velociraptor
Joined: Nov 03, 2005
Age: 41
Posts: 476
Location: The Island of Misfit Toys
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 2:44 am Post subject: |
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| KinetiK wrote: | | I have a hard time talking and looking people in the eyes at the same time, it's usually one or the other. I can do it for a second or two but more than that and I get overwhelmed/forget what I was talking about. I don't have too hard of a time looking people in the eyes though when I'm listening, although I can't do it too much because again it gets overwhelming. |
Same here with the eye contact. Although the more comfortable I feel with a person, the better I can make eye contact. Do you guys hug goodby? I think you said no before. Give it a go next time. And then maybe the time after that try going for a peck on the cheek! It's nerve wracking I know. But I did that once a long time ago and as I was going for the cheek kiss she turned her head for the lip kiss! I missed it at the time and still gave the cheek kiss. But it was a sure sign that the attraction was there.
_________________
We are the music makers, and we are the dreamers of dreams.
Aspie score: 159 of 200 NT score: 64 of 200
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Dionysus
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jan 05, 2009
Posts: 60
Location: Low Kharak Orbit
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 3:02 am Post subject: |
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| ThinkTrees wrote: | As a girl, I always offer to go Dutch, it just seems polite and fair.
I would also recommend no actual flirting, as it usually comes off as sleazy & very off-putting, even when people think they are good at it...ich.
Be yourself, she obviously likes you as you, and take it as it comes, hold hands when it feels right, etc., it's ok to be awkward as long as you're genuine. |
No flirting on dates? Do we perhaps have different definitions of what flirting is or is that actually thought of as not being acceptable?
OP: It might be prudent to find out exactly where you stand with regards to each other, I would think that even if it's not platonic that she might think that it is if you go on multiple dates without flirting or making a move. From where I'm standing it looks like she certainly might be interested and you might perhaps try some physical contact, such as touching her lightly on the arm and seeing how she responds. Others might have different approaches. |
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ThinkTrees
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
Posts: 218
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| Posted: Sat May 05, 2012 3:13 am Post subject: |
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If flirting is not something that arises naturally, it's off-putting. It should just be a natural chemistry that happens between people, and when guys start 'making the move' or coming out with dodgy lines in an attempt to impress, it's contrived and sleazy.
From what has been written here, I think she likes the OP because of who he is & the fact that he is connecting genuinely, he's there with her, not planning the next flirty move, but actually engaging in intelligent conversation. That's attractive. Conforming to a set pattern of moves is not.
Just from the experiences of myself and other females, if you want a real relationship, be real about the approach. If you want something less serious, maybe just to get laid, then go for the moves if you like & you might get lucky, but don't expect to be taken seriously as a person.
_________________
AS 169/200
NT 23/200
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KinetiK
Raven
Joined: Jul 08, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 118
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| Posted: Thu May 17, 2012 11:39 pm Post subject: |
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Figured I might as well post up again about tonight. A success story!
I was actually getting frustrated/worried because a few of my texts to her had not been returned, but then she called back and I asked her if she wanted to go bowling. She apologized for not answering and said yeah, so we went and although she felt bad about not bowling well we laughed about it and I didn't criticize (I was making snide remarks though, like "you can do anything if you put your mind to it!", which she thought was hilarious). We then went to Starbucks, again, the same one, and talked some more. I drove her out to her place which wasn't too far, touched her arm and said "I really had a good time tonight" and went in for the kiss. At first she went for the cheek kiss, but then adjusted, lol. I asked "was it too soon? It's hard for me to tell sometimes", she said "no" and we kissed again. We agreed to go out again on Sunday!
So to other young AS guys, you can do it! Sometimes you got to take a chance. I thank you all for telling me to make a move because otherwise I probably wouldn't have. As socially awkward as I am I pulled off my first real kiss (yeah there was schoolyard stuff in recess, but that didn't mean anything). So how should I greet her next time? A hug, another quick kiss? I'm still being too formulaic about this now aren't I  |
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ThinkTrees
Sea Gull
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
Posts: 218
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 12:01 am Post subject: |
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Congratulations 
Yep, choose the formula that comes to you at the time..
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AS 169/200
NT 23/200
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BeThere
Butterfly
Joined: Apr 22, 2012
Posts: 14
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 12:44 am Post subject: |
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| Yay! Good for you! When you see her next, as soon as you see her, touch her cheek and give her a light peck on the lips, and a BIG smile. This means "you are more than a friend to me", but isn't disrespectful. (I'm an NT girl). |
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