Mum triggers my anxiety and possibly meltdowns - what to do?

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Hi,

For as long as I can remember, my mother and I have not gotten along. Since before my teen years, she made me feel anxious and I'd end up lashing out at her. We'd have screaming matches and very occasionally, I'd hit her. I don't know if this would have been a meltdown or not. Regardless, I'm not proud of it. Dad says she hit me too, but I don't remember that.

I think my confusion about our relationship began because she sent mixed signals when I was very young. She'd often sink into silences, ignoring my father and me for weeks, if not months, then unexpectedly snap out of them. She could be world's best mum one moment, then emotionally unavailable the next. In a word, she was "unpredictable".

It's hard for me to talk about this and try to work out what the problem is, and not for the reasons you might think. My understanding is that many Aspies remember their childhoods very clearly. Not so myself. My childhood and adolescence are a blur - not because of any substance abuse, I should say. My theory is that it was such a stressful time at home and at school that I've repressed it.

I can say more about my adult years. I have very little contact with her now and I know that I am so much more relaxed without her in my life. When we were in the same city, things were so much more stressful because we had a lot more contact. One time she went overseas for three years. On her return, I recall she was badgering me about something and I ended up in a corner, curled up in a foetal position with my hands over my ears.

I'm now 35. Every so often, my mum makes an effort to have more contact. Apparently the odd email is not enough for her, even though it's more than enough for me. Her last phone call was a couple of weeks ago and my anxiety levels went through the roof when I saw her name flash up on my phone. Life, at present, is way too complicated for me to deal with her. I'm studying, which is great, but it's already pushing my limits.

Nonetheless, she is my mother. I feel like I should have a better relationship with her. I don't know how. She hits all my buttons, all at once. She's the complete opposite to me (she likes to chat and needs constant background noise, both of which I abhor). I find her emotionally manipulative (or maybe that's how it looks to my Aspie brain). She doesn't treat me like an adult. I don't know if I trust her, don't know if I love her and we sure as hell wouldn't be friends if we happened to meet as strangers. I feel like everything about her grates on my nerves.

I have only recently been diagnosed with Asperger's, so I haven't really had a chance to process exactly how that might be affecting our relationship. I do wonder if my Asperger's might be clashing with her NT ways.

I would greatly appreciate other people's insights. Has anyone else had this problem with a parent? What have you done about it, if anything? Did you manage to find a way to keep in contact without compromising your own mental health?

For the record, my father and I are great friends.

Thanks,
Lockheart

I feel very much of what you are going through. Some people are not born to be parents IMO. Your inability to remember childhood is possibly rooted in PTSD - I didn't 'put 2 and 2 together' until more recently myself, I was so brainwashed into thinking my perceptions and reactions were wrong.

Your description of what you can currently remember is right in line with classic Borderline Personality Disorder. Silent treatments, rageaholicism, and the Good Mother in a game of emotional 3-card-monte. I bet if you dig deeper you'll recall how she can put on a sweet, sensitive and caring mask to the outside world, while unleashing unmerited wrath on the family behind closed doors. RESIST her hoovering attempts and give her 'just the facts', unless you ascertain the memories and emotions present and future are too damaging to you to continue contact. I would NOT contact her of my own accord, and be very cordial if she contacted me. The nice thing about Emails and texts are, they don't have to be answered immediately

It's taken me nearly my whole life to this point to realize I should have run like hell from this toxic part of my life. Google 'honor thy abusive mother' to read articles and Bible passages that clearly state that you don't have to take it. A particular helpful page to me was 'Luke 17:9 ministries" which although geared toward women has stuff I found I could apply

BTW the less she knows about your Dx, probably the better at this point

Thanks for your post, 2wheels. Although I'd never wish a parent like that on anyone, it's helpful to know I'm not alone.

It's interesting that the first reaction I had was to defend my mother. Then I reconsidered. She did indeed present a different face to the world. When we had company or when she was out in public, she was the mother I always wished for. When we were alone, she'd ignore us again. Apart from our fights, I can't remember if she ever flew into unreasonable rages.

I don't know if it's borderline personality disorder or not, but I'm pretty sure she has something that would benefit from professional help. I wish she would find a good psychologist, if only for her own benefit. The trouble is, she has the self-insight of your average lemon meringue. She's a victim and it's everyone else's fault. Nothing she's done could possibly be responsible. For example, our relationship is broken because my father turned me against her when I was small. Of course, not remembering my childhood all that well, I can't convincingly refute that, although my gut feeling is that she's wrong.

I don't know if I should try to explain any of this to her or if it would make things worse. At the very least I want to make it clear to her that I prefer email contact.

The overall opinion of the mental health community is that Personality Disorders cannot be treated unless the PD acknowledges what they are and is willing to go to lengths to change it. The HUGE caveat is that things get worse if they know that YOU know

Just like with autism, there is no 1 list of symptoms that every PD has every one of them across the board. PDs are usually the case of the abused becoming the abuser. But the 1 common trait among PDs is 2-faced behavior. Rather than make a TL,DR post, this link should help you find similarities

100 PD traits

Your gut is NOT wrong. If you decide to maintain contact don't volunteer any information about yourself, keep it light and yourself at arm's length, recognize the attempts at burrowing her way back into your emotions. Just like autism, you didn't cause it and you don't control it

i avoid my family in general

they push my buttons beyond belief - after all - they installed them

i can function well enough around the rest of the world, but my family sends me over the edge. a very small contact is enough to trigger a multi-week fibromyalgia attack.

they just do what they do - pressure me, denigrate me, dismiss me, demand my time and energy

i try to stay away

recently i have gathered the courage to tell them what they do to me emotionally with their actions. it has had some limited ameliorative effect

I seriously suggest that you just move out. Get your own place.

Of course, my family problems are resolved. My adopted parents died. End of problem. But you get along with your father, so stay in communication with him. Decide for yourself how bad things really are and do what you need to do. I don't recommend homicide as many municipalities frown on that. Good luck.

I can definitely relate, though if my mom hit me, it was spanking and I for some reason have trouble remembering things, but I know she sometimes does and always accuses me and always feels I try to win every battle. When I can make good points, especially as I get older, she refuses to listen and always simply says I like to argue. She can nag me to death. I hate it, but I don't say much because I know it won't help. She doesn't physically abuse me, so I'm just like whatever. She recently wanted me to adopt a child- I just told her I would not do so because there is no guarantee that child would be able or want to take care of me and that would be a big responsibility. They told me they'd "help", but that would only compound my already complicated life.

One thing that is bad on both sides is the physical abuse. Since both you and her have done so, you are both in the wrong. Maybe you reacted this way because she has been like that before and/or you reacted in response to her action(s).

99.999999999% of life's situations you do NOT respond physically!! If you are not sure, then that means not to do that physical thought.

A meltdown is more like a response where you just repress yourself by crawling into a fetal position or yell or scream to yourself. In response to the stress from meltdown(s), you may react physically, which can be dangerous.

Your aspergers I sense is definitely clashing with her NT ways. Her NT ways may not be so NT, but they are definitely not aspergers either. I think if you choose to avoid contact with your mother for now, you should just let her politely know that and then politely say goodbye. If she tries to keep you on, don't respond and hang up. Don't worry about what's normal, "NT", or the "right" thing to do. You have to do what's best in your situation and what will make you happy or satisfied enough. Sure, you want to think about compromise and other people, but you need to think of yourself and how you can best survive too. People not involved in your situation in-person do not need to know what's going on in your personal life, so in that sense don't feel like there are standards to meet per se. If you're afraid that your mom is going to spread rumors that may come back to you, don't be afraid. If an untrusted friend brings up the rumor, just say you don't wish to talk this personal issue and that you must solve this problem on your own or with people you trust with personal issues.