whateverittakes
Emu Egg
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 3
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 Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 9:54 am Post subject: Need help with decision about schools for Aspie...WWYD? |
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Hi all,
First of all, I love reading this board & site. It gives me so much insight into my Aspie son, which I would not have otherwise. I thank you all for that 
I have a dliemma that I would love to brainstorm here to get some potential insight that I may be lacking....
My son (recently turned 8 ) has Aspergers. He is very intelligent and has always been very interested in academic kinds of things (taught himself to read at 22 months, advanced in math, loves to read about science topics like physics and chemistry, loves geography). He also has an amazing memory. His struggle is in the social realm, obviously. He also (at times) has anxiety and problems with focus/attention/distraction.
He attended a private (wonderful!) daycare/preschool & received fantastic early intervention services there. He was able to attend a full day Kindergarten program there as well. When he was ready to move on to public school, we decided to have him repeat Kindergarten (the program was great, fantastic teacher, lots of social skills teaching). This program is not in our neighborhood school, but in a different school within our district. He attended 1st grade in that same school this school year. He is in the gifted program, and also accelerated in math (he goes to 3rd grade for math).
Our dilemma comes in trying to figure out where he should go to school next year, and what grade he should be in. Our options are:
1. 3rd grade at neighborhood school
2. 3rd grade at current school
3. 2nd grade at neighborhood school
4. 2nd grade at current school
ARGUMENTS FOR NEIGHBORHOOD SCHOOL:
- we can't keep him in the current school forever, without moving (and we don't really want to move, especially to the area where that school is located, since it is a very wealthy and expensive area)
- we do not live close to the current school, so there are no friends close by to play with
- we'd like to get him involved in an activity like Cub Scouts, but the troop goes by which school you are in, so it would be better for him to be at the neighborhood school & in the local troop
- it's closer to our house, so easier schedule for our family
- better for our daughter
- moving would be really hard for lots of reasons
- the 'feeder' middle and high schools are better for our family
ARGUMENTS FOR CURRENT SCHOOL:
- comfort of the familiar
- they already know him (although admin and teachers would be different next year)
ARGUMENTS FOR 2nd GRADE:
- his teacher (whom we trust) does not really feel like he is ready for 3rd grade without lots of extra support (ie an aide)
- he does not like being "different" than the other kids & would not be happy about needing the aide if he were in 3rd grade
- he has started to slip academically in the past month (refusing to do work, saying things are too hard, lots of trouble focusing and following directions)
- there are important skills that are taught in 2nd grade that would be helpful for him (writing, organization, note taking)
- he has trouble with specific social skills (ie saying other people's names) that we would have more time to work on before the other kids got older & more mature
- he has social skills delays
- he is of average size, so he isn't much bigger than the kids that are a year younger
- another year before he'd have to start state exams
- he'd have 5 years at the new school, so more time to make friendships, etc
- kids have only been there for 1 or 2 years, so friendships not as solidified (maybe easier for him to "break into" a social group
- switching schools (if we do) would be one stressor, and skipping a grade would be an added stressor
ARGUMENTS FOR 3rd GRADE:
- he often says that he does not like being the oldest in his grade
- he feels like his peers (from the private K class) are in the grade he "should" be in & he is stuck on this
- his self-esteem
- only one grade difference in math (not 2 grades accelerated, as is the current case)
- probably the only time (except if he were eventually to go to private school) that he could move up a grade
The district is really great, and we have lots of support. They are allowing us to make this decision & we have been thinking about it for a very long time (all year, really). We have gone back and forth so many times, based on various different things that are happening at the time.
If you are an Aspie yourself, what do you think would have been best for you as a child? We are going to explain Aspergers to him this summer, so that might give him some insight into his strengths and challenges, but I think that could take years to process. We just want what is best for him, but unfortunately cannot predict what that will be!
I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice. Thank you! |
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cyberscan
Naughty Autie
Joined: Apr 17, 2008
Posts: 1360
Location: Near Panama, City Florida
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 1:34 pm Post subject: |
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I'm diagnosed with classic autism. I went to regular public school and had to repeat kindergarten. I had no accommodations with the exception of receiving speech therapy. Needless to say, I hated school. My years at a country school were much better than my years in a city school. I am a successful adult who as served in the Navy, graduated college, and written a book. I also know many different trades and a couple of professions.
Oh, by the way, I hardly ever did any homework unless absolutely necessary to pass a class. I hated school while I was there, and I did not see a need to bring it home with me. I had things I wanted to learn. Since I had such a hard time in school, I would try to learn what I needed to know a few grades ahead of where I was in school. This allowed me to already know the material and outperform my peers. This got rid of the "retard" word very quickly.
When it comes to bullying, your kid will likely be picked on constantly and by many. Teach him to fight dirty. When the bullying begins, let him take his cheap shot and and pummel the bully while he is down. This will put the bully in his place. It will be your kid that will get into trouble (the bully will not, though), so make sure the job is done right the first time. It will save him a lot of agony in the future.
My Aspie nephew was in the second grade, and his biggest bully was in the fourth. I told him to keep backing away until he is in an area where there is loose dirt on the ground. I told him to make his stand there and fight the bully. I told him that when he gets pushed down to come up with a handful of dirt and throw it in the bully's eyes and the beat the hell out of the bully while he is trying to get the dirt out and cannot see. My nephew was suspended from school for three days, and when he returned, the bullying stopped. He was known as the kid who beat up the big kid.
Your kid, with the exception of family and close friends. is alone in the world. If he is lucky, he will go to a school where autism is taught to not only the teachers, but also the kids who go to school with your son. Some schools do this, and the kids accept autistic children. Many wil even protect the autistic kids. Others do not, and the autistic children have to fight for themselves.
I know that this is not politically correct advice, but I'm telling how I grew up and the results.
_________________
I am AUTISTIC - Always Unique, Totally Interesting, Straight Talking, Intelligently Conversational.
I am also the author of "Tech Tactics Money Saving Secrets" and "Tech Tactics Publishing and Production Secrets." |
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Cornflake
Rattles when shaken
Joined: Oct 31, 2010
Posts: 31606
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
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| Posted: Fri May 18, 2012 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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[Moved from General Autism Discussion to Parents' Discussion]
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Giraffe: a ruminant with a view. |
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zette
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 28, 2011
Posts: 592
Location: California
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| Posted: Sat May 19, 2012 7:30 am Post subject: |
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I'm an NT parent of an AS kindergartener. Reading your post, I'd definitely vote to stay in 2nd grade regardless of which school you choose. The arguments for skipping to 3rd are not very strong.
For the school, it sounds like the current school is working very well for him. I'd be hesitant to mess with that. You can always switch back to neighborhood if things go downhill or when middle school arrives. The reasons for switching seem to be evenly divided between social opportunities and to benefit the rest of the family. Maybe this is a case where you have to weigh what suits him best vs whether it's too much of a burden on the rest of the family. Have you made contact with parents who have special Ed experience with your neighborhood school? |
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MMJMOM
Phoenix
Joined: May 22, 2011
Posts: 624
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| Posted: Sat May 19, 2012 8:10 am Post subject: |
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what does your son want to do?
_________________
Dara, mom to my beautiful kids:
Jayden 7, diagnosed Aspergers and ADHD possible learning disability due to porcessing speed, born with a cleft lip and palate.
Miranda 4
Maya, who would be 5, my forever angel baby
Ethan, new to the world! |
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ASDMommyASDKid
Hobbit
Joined: Oct 28, 2011
Posts: 1129
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| Posted: Sat May 19, 2012 8:28 am Post subject: |
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I would say 2nd grade, current school, for the following reasons:
If the district is engaged and interested, you can get him access to accelerated materials, as appropriate, at the lower grade.
He can fine tune his social skills with kids that are at a 2nd vs 3rd grade level of social skills. This is better for self esteem.
The aide won't help socially. He knows this, which is why he is resistant.
Even though he is going to need to change schools eventually, I think it might be more stabilizing to keep him where he is for now. Let him continue to blossom where he is. You might be able to get an exception for scouts. If this is too troublesome for the family overall, ignore this. However, I think change is easier as they mature. |
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DW_a_mom
Ignoring the To-Do List
Joined: Feb 23, 2008
Posts: 9342
Location: Northern California
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| Posted: Sat May 19, 2012 11:24 am Post subject: |
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While you will find me arguing in another thread against grade skipping, I am really stuck here on what your son says. I must say, I've regretted it when I didn't follow what my kid's wanted on a topic like this. Now, you have to be sure that they have factored in all the right variables, which they often do not, but I have found my kid's have pretty good instincts on what they need - even when they aren't good at expressing it. The real kicker is why your son is expressing it poorly, though ... has he latched onto a fantasy magical solution for issues with school he doesn't fully understand? Yeah, it gets complicated.
I agonized and agonized over grade issues with my NT daughter and ultimately felt I called it wrong. Let's just say I feel your pain, even if there isn't much I can say that is usedful.
And do make sure you read PenguinMom's thread asking about skipping first grade.
_________________
Mom to an amazing AS boy (plus a non-AS daughter). Have at least a few AS genes myself, although probably more NT than AS.
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Think of the greening of my name as an emeritus thing; I used to be a moderator but am retired and have no authority to act |
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angelgarden
Sea Gull
Joined: Oct 07, 2011
Posts: 230
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 10:01 am Post subject: |
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Quick reply: another argument against grade-skipping. My brother and nephew sound very similar to your son. My sister-in-law is regretting allowing my nephew to move up a grade, in spite of his academic readiness--he socially just hasn't handled it well and is being bullied and having a hard time.
My brother skipped TWO grades during elementary school. The first time my mother regretted letting him do it (later) but went through with it. The second time, she tried it, she ended up reversing her decision. He was often bored in class and teachers should have given him more options, but socially he just wasn't ready and would get into a lot of trouble when he was skipped ahead. If you have any reserves, just go ahead and keep him in 2nd. |
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PenguinMom
Deinonychus
Joined: Oct 31, 2009
Posts: 322
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 1:26 pm Post subject: |
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Hi,
It looks like we are in similar situations. I'd be interested to hear more about how your family is tackling this decision, pm me if you'd like to talk.
The two sites that I am looking at now are Hoagie's Gifted, and Davidson's. Both have a lot of good imformation.
Keep us posted!
_________________
I am not an expert on anything. Any advice given is with the best of intentions; a small way for me to repay a community that helps me when I need it. |
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momsparky
Phoenix
Joined: Jul 27, 2010
Posts: 2827
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| Posted: Sun May 20, 2012 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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Something I didn't mention on the other thread: whether the child skips or not, social skills support and testing for pragmatic speech (to ensure that's not negatively impacting social skills) with therapy is CRITICAL. The idea is to make sure your child makes use of their time to work on their weaknesses as well as their strengths.
I didn't get any support, and I was quite miserable through grade and high school. I think, despite being miserable, I was better off not having skipped and staying in my grade (I didn't have the academics anyway) - but if I'd had the supports that are available now, I think I would have done much better.
DS was held back a year because he has a mid-August birthday. He sometimes complains about being the oldest kid in the class...but I think as he's getting older he's understanding the wisdom of it (he's 11.) We have explained to him that when he gets to High School, he can get back that year by taking all AP classes...just the other day he was saying he thought he'd stick with kids in his grade. I think he understands that being the youngest kid in the class would be significantly worse for him. |
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whateverittakes
Emu Egg
Joined: May 18, 2012
Posts: 3
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| Posted: Tue May 22, 2012 8:11 pm Post subject: Thank you for all of the replies! |
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Thanks to you all for helping me to get my thoughts out there in a more organized manner & helping me brainstorm.
After MUCH thought/discussion/agonizing, we decided to have him go to 2nd grade at the new school. Like someone said, the arguments for him going to 3rd did not outweigh the needs that he has, which will be better met in 2nd grade. He has been in the gifted program since K, so that gives him a bit of enrichment (wish it was more though) & he does go 2 grades up for math.
His biggest issue with the whole thing is that he does not like being "different" from the other kids. He feels that being older makes him "weird", going to a different math class makes him "weird" and being in social skills class makes him "weird". I have & will continue to explain things to him as best I can. My current analogy (based on his interest du jour) is "if all of the characters on Mario Bros were Mario, wouldn't that be boring?" "Isn't it cool that you can sometimes chose the character who is faster, bigger, etc" I think he got it! At least for now:)
We are lucky that we have fantastic public schools here & we feel very supported. We know that they will take care of him in the new school too. He has not made a "best" friend in his current school (which is something he REALLY wants), so I don't feel like there are major connections that we are taking him from. It will be an adjustment no matter what & I suspect there will be tons of anxiety in September.
Oh, and I have been preparing an application for that Davidson Inst. for a while now (his IQ is 150+). The gifted stuff is really interesting, but he is also Aspie, for sure. |
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