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Why have I always been ignored?
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Joe90
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 5:03 pm    Post subject: Why have I always been ignored? Reply with quote

The other day I was laying in bed remembering a lot of times in my life when I spoke to people and nobody's listening to me at all. I know they weren't doing it intentionally, and as I've got older I've found out the reason why: people assume I will either say something daft, or not speak at all, and so their social minds are just tuned in to people who are more worth being with than me and so they just stay focused on them all the time. It's an automatic thing a lot of people seem to have, they can't help it, and they don't mean to be like it - even really nice people still can be like this. The only time people mostly have their undivided attention to me is when I'm the only one with them who they can talk to. I can then get into a good conversation then. But when there's a group of people, I tend to get ignored no matter how hard I try to join in. OK, people sometimes go out of their way to speak to me but that's about it. I can't speak first without being ignored, and I've got sick of it.

I don't have this trait however, so I'm not being a hypocrit. My ears are open to everyone in the group, and although I can only listen to one person at a time, I can still hear if somebody is trying to talk to me when I'm not facing in their direction. I remember when I met 2 of my friends, one is Autistic and the other one has a condition that affects her socially but apparently it's not AS, it's something else. But anyway, I met up with them, and my and the one who might or might not have AS were talking most of the time and the Autistic one was the quietest, but each time he tried to drop a word in, I always noticed, and I turned to him, or if my other friend was talking, I just turned round just to acknowledge him, just so that he doesn't feel awkward or anything. But NTs don't do this, they really don't hear me speak at all, even if I was standing right next to them trying to say something relavent to the conversation and they weren't really talking or even listening to the others. It isn't fair, will this be happening to me for the rest of my life? I suppose it will.

I remember a few weeks ago when my family all came round, and I got so fed up with being ignored, so I politely said, ''can someone listen to me, I'm only trying to join in?'', and someone said sarcastically, ''OK, we will all sit here quietly listening to you talk about your obsessions!'' And I was quite taken aback with that remark, and I think that's rude, because my family should all know that I do suffer socially and that I was only trying to help myself. Then when I sit quietly and not join in, people say, ''you're quiet'', or, ''what's the matter?'' or, ''you got to learn to join in.''

Ohhh, I can't win!!!
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iggy64
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 5:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Of course you can't win... Not that there is any reasonable answer to why, in particular. The fact they said listen to you talk about your obsessions does suggest that maybe you can talk a little off topic, although having never spoken to you, I wouldn't know and it could just as easily be their judgement.
Being at school, I keep myself in a 'crowd' of people who I know 2 people of well, and most others well enough to get a 'hi' if I see them. Mostly I just listen to conversations, or laugh when everyone else does, nod a bit etc. I find that way you seem quiet but not too antisocial, so they don't shut you out so that everyone decides you are now unsuitable to stand in their 'crowd' at break. Assuming that as you are older, the general principle is the same, I recommend adding to conversations with short replies and allowing them to do the talking, therefore decreasing the chance that you say something inapropriate or, in their opinion, 'off topic'.
Hopefully, that is relevant and useful, although social advice coming from me may not apply to anyone except me. Smile
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theWanderer
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 6:08 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Since they said something about listening to you talk about your obsessions, I'd guess the "problem" is that you lack the ability to churn out the kind of pointless, dull drivel NTs seem to enjoy so much. Smile Or, on a more basic level, that your mind is so different from theirs that they're incapable of dealing with you as a fellow human being. There's a reason this site is named "Wrong Planet" - and it's not for any long tradition of hospitality and kindness toward aliens. In fact, the human race doesn't have such a tradition...
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J-P
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 6:10 pm    Post subject: Re: Why have I always been ignored? Reply with quote

Joe90 wrote:
The other day I was laying in bed remembering a lot of times in my life when I spoke to people and nobody's listening to me at all. I know they weren't doing it intentionally, and as I've got older I've found out the reason why: people assume I will either say something daft, or not speak at all, and so their social minds are just tuned in to people who are more worth being with than me and so they just stay focused on them all the time. It's an automatic thing a lot of people seem to have, they can't help it, and they don't mean to be like it - even really nice people still can be like this. The only time people mostly have their undivided attention to me is when I'm the only one with them who they can talk to. I can then get into a good conversation then. But when there's a group of people, I tend to get ignored no matter how hard I try to join in. OK, people sometimes go out of their way to speak to me but that's about it. I can't speak first without being ignored, and I've got sick of it.

I don't have this trait however, so I'm not being a hypocrit. My ears are open to everyone in the group, and although I can only listen to one person at a time, I can still hear if somebody is trying to talk to me when I'm not facing in their direction. I remember when I met 2 of my friends, one is Autistic and the other one has a condition that affects her socially but apparently it's not AS, it's something else. But anyway, I met up with them, and my and the one who might or might not have AS were talking most of the time and the Autistic one was the quietest, but each time he tried to drop a word in, I always noticed, and I turned to him, or if my other friend was talking, I just turned round just to acknowledge him, just so that he doesn't feel awkward or anything. But NTs don't do this, they really don't hear me speak at all, even if I was standing right next to them trying to say something relavent to the conversation and they weren't really talking or even listening to the others. It isn't fair, will this be happening to me for the rest of my life? I suppose it will.

I remember a few weeks ago when my family all came round, and I got so fed up with being ignored, so I politely said, ''can someone listen to me, I'm only trying to join in?'', and someone said sarcastically, ''OK, we will all sit here quietly listening to you talk about your obsessions!'' And I was quite taken aback with that remark, and I think that's rude, because my family should all know that I do suffer socially and that I was only trying to help myself. Then when I sit quietly and not join in, people say, ''you're quiet'', or, ''what's the matter?'' or, ''you got to learn to join in.''

Ohhh, I can't win!!!


I live nearly same situation than you. Mentally i'm worst than worst because of that. I feel unimportant cause of that and dare not to talk or start an conversation. I know i don't have my place and they don't want me in they society of bullshit. If i'm not ignored i'm not taken seriously...each time! I ask myself if i really want to continue to live in theses conditions and i really want to be seriously sick and die in months to come. Anyway if would sick or not nobody will care(excepted family(parents and sisters) for sure) and i will die alone. Die alone now or in old age that same for me!
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Dmarcotte
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PostPosted: Mon May 21, 2012 8:43 pm    Post subject: Why Have I always been ignored? Reply with quote

Joe90,
It makes me sad to read that you are so unhappy. I must admit though that I have noticed that my daughter (who is an aspie) really seems to interact better with other teens who also have aspergers. Its like they really understand each other and how to communicate effectively with each other without all of the extra 'stuff' that NT people always seem to add to a conversation. Unfortunately not all NT people are as kind as they should be. I agree it is very rude to simply dismiss someone because you don't want to listen to what they have to say. My advice to her is to become a better listener - people will really think you are a fabulous conversationalist when you are able to listen effectively to them - nodding occasionally and looking interested can go a long way towards building a relationship where they will listen to you. Since you are older perhaps you would consider mentoring a teen who also has trouble with social skills. Sometimes helping others ends up helping us even more. Just my two cents and perhaps not worth much, but I hope it can help.
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Joe90
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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 5:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

May I point out that I am not the type to gabble on about my obsessions in group conversations. In fact, I don't gabble on about anything, period. I always let other people do the talking, I always listen, and I always laugh when they laugh, etc. But sometimes when I do want to say something, nobody seems to listen or hear me, and I just end up talking to myself. But I got cross when people got sarcastix about talking about my obsessions because I never do intend to bring them up when I'm at family get-togethers. I feel too embarrassed to sit there talking about them, and some of my family don't even know I've got an obsession with anyone.

I am not completely different to NTs. I only have mild AS, I can talk and relate to other people, but it's just when it comes to speaking up in a group conversation I just find I get ignored. Or not even in a conversation. Like I remember when I was about 9 I was at a fairground with my cousins (who were also around my age), and we went on the Waltzers. We were all laughing and cheering as we were going round (as kids do), and I was too, then my foot got stuck between the bar thing and the seat, and I laughed and said, ''my foot's stuck!'' I said it 3 or 4 times, but I could tell nobody heard or listened, so I didn't even bother to say anything any more. And I know people here will side with NTs in this situation, saying that my cousins were too busy laughing and enjoying the ride and so weren't going to listen to me or something, but just after I stopped saying anything one of my other cousins laughed and said, ''I bumped my head!'', and my other cousins heard that and laughed. So I was like, ''how come they always hear eachother but never me?''

Story of my life, I suppose. This is why I have developed Social Phobia as an adult - I'm always afraid to say anything in group conversations so I don't think I ever will be able to ever speak up in a group ever in my life. It can sometimes be awkward because I could be having a good conversation with one person, then another person comes along so there's now three of us and then I will shut up and just stand there really quietly. The person who I was talking to first might think I don't like the second person because of the way I just suddenly stopped talking, (due to fear of speaking to more than one person).
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theWanderer
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PostPosted: Tue May 22, 2012 10:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I certainly didn't mean to imply that you gabbled on. The comment about listening to you talk about your obsessions reveals more about them, and their attitude toward you, than it does about you. Monkeys ignore the members of their group who are too different. Humans don't seem to have learned to be any smarter than monkeys about that.
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ShamanicExperinces
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PostPosted: Fri May 25, 2012 6:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i know exactly how u feel :/ i have explained myself and my feelings and why i feel those things and what can be done to help me feel better and how i need help to family and just ugh, they dont care to listen to me, but they always ask whats wrong and how are they supposed to help and why do i feel that way.... Neutral *explodes into a million pieces* they say they understand and they get it and their listening but when the time comes to show they were, they forget absolutley everything and blame me for just being that way and not being different and more like them....seriously, how do i even respond to that?
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treblecake
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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2012 12:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmmm yeah I can relate to this but for me I think I get ignored when I speak in a group conversation because I talk at the wrong moment and talk too quietly. That really sucks with your family that they don't get you, for me though I haven't found that a problem because I've grown up without any extended family and my mum and brother have aspie traits so we get each other in some respect.

What really annoys me is that when I tell a joke only one person usually hears it. Then they repeat it and magically everyone happens to hear and they get all the credit for the joke.
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Roninninja
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PostPosted: Sun May 27, 2012 3:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I've always found myself being ignored. Having AS has something to do with it. I've had people tell me that I seem mysterious, don't pick up on emotional cues, and speak with no emotion. NT people are highly influenced by emotion, while people like us are more logical in our interactions. I think most people are looking for an emotional connection and get along with people who easily pick up cues and read between the lines.
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Moondust
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PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2012 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think the reason I'm ignored is that people are uninterested in what I have to say, because I'm different, therefore whatever my story, opinion, joke, etc. will not be relevant to their lives. And by the way, they're very right.
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Bunnynose
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PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2012 7:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I find I'm ignored only sometimes. It depends on the group dynamics. Some people are open, accepting and able to listen, others are closed and seem to be attuned only to thoughts that echo already in their minds. Family dynamics is a whole 'nother kettle of fish, where roles are established early and over time difficult to usurp, let alone relinquish.

So Joe90, sounds like your family has pigeon-holed you. Until you spend some time away from them and find your own voice as an adult, and act and sound more independent and mature, you'll be treated in the same manner whenever you're with them, no matter how many years pass. But be assured, at some point they will look upon you as an adult instead of the younger sister/daughter who's kinda odd and quiet.

My suggestion is to read Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends And Influence People" and to see how many of his suggestions you can adopt and practice with other, non-related people. I read this book in my 20s, I think, and Carnegie's idea that most people want to talk about themselves is true. lol

Anyway I need to re-read his book and see what ideas I can incorporate into my social skills. Will you read it too?
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NicoleG
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PostPosted: Wed May 30, 2012 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For me, it depends on the people around me. Certain groups I don't mesh very well with. Their conversations go off in a different area in which I have little knowledge or feel uncomfortable. In those groups, when I do speak, I am SO self-conscious, and then I stutter or get aphasia, and then I mess up the already flowing dynamics of the conversation. I've learned to mostly keep my mouth shut when I don't feel close to 100% comfortable. People will tolerate my presence, but they are much less tolerable when they have to change gears and slow down in order to wait for me to catch up. With other groups, it people or topics in which I have a much more vested interest, so I can keep up better with the conversation, and I'm able to participate and be accepted into the conversation much easier.
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namaste
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PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2012 10:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i don't have social life but when i am in my office i face this problem
and i lost quite a lot of jobs due to this problem
iggy64 has given a good advice
even i face the same problems and rather then getting into a group
and making a fool out of myself
i would say that its better that you try to hold conversation with 1-2 people
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MeerkatFetish
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PostPosted: Thu May 31, 2012 2:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty much what Moondust said. I don't blame people for not including me anymore though, as I often appear as extremely shy and a bit different. I'm not used to talking in groups, so whenever I get the opportunity now, I usually remain quite. I can't remember if I ever were able to handle a group conversation where I didn't knew all of the people participating really really well.
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