rebbieh
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 16, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 1139
Location: Sweden
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 Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 5:27 am Post subject: Saying no. |
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| Earlier this morning my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to a place in town today. I said no because it was too spontaneous and I had not mentally prepared for it. This is a little difficult to explain but when things like this happen I often don't really know what people think and I often assume they get angry or disappointed with me or something because I say no. And because I want to know what people think I have to ask them if they are angry/disappointed etc. They often say they aren't. Anyway, is this something that's typical for someone with AS? Not knowing what people think and often assuming the worst that is. And then perhaps ask about it, like I do. Or am I just paranoid and insecure? |
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League_Girl
Proud mamma
Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13482
Location: My house
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 5:41 am Post subject: |
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I have the same problem. I get stressed out and I feel anxiety over it. I used to be worse but my husband has learned to not push it and let me get mentally prepared for it or else there will be a bitchy me and meltdowns and it be a mess between us and wouldn't help for our kid either. Then I have to do that and can't go back because once I have had to set my mind to something that was spontaneous, it's hard to switch it back to not doing it or else I will get very upset. And sometimes I just can't be spontaneous so I say no.
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Joe90
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 24, 2010
Posts: 8229
Location: Great Britain
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 5:42 am Post subject: |
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I'm the same. I hate being in a situation where I'm obliged to not object to other people's suggestions. I know I have the right to say no, but I'm always worried other people might think I'm being selfish. I'm always worried it might backfire, because it's happened two or three times before with different people, and it's quite normal for bad experiences to make someone feel unsettled on saying no in the future, especially if you have low self-esteem like me. I know people who get arseache when I say aren't worth knowing and all of that, but I find that most people get arseache when others say no, as though it's their way of being stubborn too. I suppose it's a catch-22 situation.
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From: East UK
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chiastic_slide
Sea Gull
Joined: May 15, 2012
Posts: 204
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 5:50 am Post subject: |
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| I mostly go along with everything other people say no matter what my wishes are, I assume that I will offend them by saying no and I would rather just do what they say and take it. I think it is a defence strategy to prevent hurting others and them yelling/getting upset with me, but I find it hard to recognise when I don't need to do this because the person is not bothered or a friend. I guess it also comes from not wanting to lose friends, but being a pushover also loses friends because they can't respect you. I find others intimidating and part of the reason I prefer solitude. It is exhausting trying to make other people happy when you don't know how they feel about you being so different but just being yourself. I also do not easily vocalise my thoughts and feelings. I will make little excuses rather than saying no outright but if it is something I really don't want to do I will get anxious and emotional and just make some excuse to run away |
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liloleme
Immature Adult
Joined: Jun 09, 2008
Posts: 1922
Location: France
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 7:59 am Post subject: |
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I feel incredibly guilty and even more when my husbands family comes to help (I am very ill with several diagnosed and some undiagnosed diseases) I can only stand having people here for a few days and I feel horrible when I just want them to leave because my Mother in Law has RA and she withstands the eight hour drive to come help us.....she does like to see the kids of course but I just feel like crud.
As far as going places my husband knows that I need advanced warning, he writes things on the calendar and reminds me often. |
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 8:18 am Post subject: |
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I can be spontaneous, as long as I get 2-3 hours notice.  I have explained this to my wife 2-3 years ago, but after I got the AS diagnosis a month ago she finally understood.
It's kinda like I have this plan in my head, and I know what is going to happen 3 hours in the future. If that plan suddenly changes, the world doesn't make sense to me anymore, and I need time to adjust.
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AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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Mindslave
Jackass of all trades
Joined: Nov 15, 2010
Age: 24
Posts: 1818
Location: Where the wild things wish they were
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 12:17 pm Post subject: |
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| I used to do this all the time. I still do sometimes, but I do it less when I have the important things in my life under my control. This helps me focus more on the task at hand, i.e. listening and figuring out what's being said. |
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Longshanks
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 03, 2012
Posts: 513
Location: At an undisclosed airbase at Shangri-la
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 1:03 pm Post subject: |
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Just try to remember that in a good relationship, each person is understanding of the other. That means that your sigificant other needs be understanding of your needs as you need to be of his. Balance is the key!
Longshanks
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Supporter of the Brian Terry Foundation @ www.honorbrianterry.com. Special Agent Brian Terry (1970-2010) was murdered as a direct result of Operation Fast & Furious - which Barry O won't discuss - wonder why? |
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rebbieh
Phoenix
Joined: Mar 16, 2012
Age: 22
Posts: 1139
Location: Sweden
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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| Is it a typical AS thing though? Or am I just insecure? |
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FishStickNick
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 05, 2012
Posts: 957
Location: My own head
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 6:36 pm Post subject: |
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| chiastic_slide wrote: | | I mostly go along with everything other people say no matter what my wishes are, I assume that I will offend them by saying no and I would rather just do what they say and take it. I think it is a defence strategy to prevent hurting others and them yelling/getting upset with me, but I find it hard to recognise when I don't need to do this because the person is not bothered or a friend. I guess it also comes from not wanting to lose friends, but being a pushover also loses friends because they can't respect you. I find others intimidating and part of the reason I prefer solitude. It is exhausting trying to make other people happy when you don't know how they feel about you being so different but just being yourself. I also do not easily vocalise my thoughts and feelings. I will make little excuses rather than saying no outright but if it is something I really don't want to do I will get anxious and emotional and just make some excuse to run away |
Yeah, I'm a lot like this too. I have a hard time saying no to others for many of the same reasons you describe here. And sometimes, instead of saying no, I'll just ignore the other person, which come to think of it, probably makes things worse. I've learned at work that it's OK to say no sometimes, though; I learned the hard way, because I've gotten readily overwhelmed from always saying yes (it once led to me having a mini-meltdown in the office). |
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zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Joined: Apr 21, 2012
Age: 34
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 9:04 pm Post subject: |
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This morning, I "spontaneously" made the decision to go to walmart because I needed some things. I knew that we needed to go asap because on Saturday, the crowds get insane and I knew that it would most likely cause a meltdown if I waited to go when it got bad. So, we went ahead and went, but I had no had time to slowly wake up as I require.
Needless to say, it took half a day for me to recover from said "spontaneous" trip to the store.
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Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie |
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Atomsk
Bass Fiend
Joined: Apr 10, 2008
Age: 24
Posts: 1539
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 9:44 pm Post subject: |
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This happens with me often - someone will ask me to do something, on too short of notice, and I just say no. It depends on what they want to do. If it's a jam session or something like that were I'll be playing music (my primary special interest), I'm much more likely to say yes on short notice, or at least to say "sure but I can't be there for (x) hours."
Sometimes though, I will simply be uninterested in going; for example, with one friend I have, if we hang out at their place, it's just us sitting around talking and not really doing anything, which I find painfully boring, so I often decline unless there are others there or I can bring an instrument or something.
Sometimes I will also say no because I know there will be sensory issues I have to combat and won't feel like it, or any other myriad of reasons. Sometimes I just feel like playing bass or something and don't want to go anywhere. |
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League_Girl
Proud mamma
Joined: Feb 05, 2010
Posts: 13482
Location: My house
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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| rebbieh wrote: | | Is it a typical AS thing though? Or am I just insecure? |
Maybe insecure.
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2wheels4ever
Just Another Weirdo From L.A.
Joined: May 04, 2012
Age: 41
Posts: 1335
Location: Losing status at the high school
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| Posted: Sat May 26, 2012 11:50 pm Post subject: |
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| Typical of AS for me, I get harped on a lot for it. There's only been a couple times where the event took an unexpected pleasant turn, and even then I felt my skin crawling that I didn't have an out of my own. But the actual physical saying no part; often I will ask 'what day? what time? where?' and after 2 questions they'll huff and say 'never mind, you never want to do anything with anybody anyway' |
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Sun May 27, 2012 1:00 am Post subject: |
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| rebbieh wrote: | | Is it a typical AS thing though? |
Yes, the need for structure is a typical AS thing. Aspies hate sudden surprises that mess up their plans(or their "no-plans"-plan).
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AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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