Introducing myself

TalksToCats · Toucan Joined: Jun 02, 2012 Posts: 255 Location: UK

I just wanted to say hi and introduce myself.

Brief Version:-
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I've been lurking for a while and am really enjoying reading the discussions here.

I'm a 40 year old woman living in the UK. I strongly suspect I'm somewhere on the spectrum but not sure whether it would strictly count as Aspergers or something else. I'm self-diagnised as possible AS but don't have an official diagnosis yet and am still deciding if I want to get one. I only found about HFA/AS properly about a month ago.

I definitely feel like an alien visitng the planet most days (even though I think it's a rather great planet - I just don't really fit).

So I hope it's ok to be here even though I'm not quite sure where I am on the Autism spectrum.

And yes, I do talk to cats, everywhere, at home, in the street, anywhere I meet them - I simply am completely unable to resist.

Below is a much longer description about me - so those of you who don't enjoy reading longer posts please quit here :)

Long Version:
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Online tests do suggest I am on the spectrum
The Autism Spectrum Quotient AQ = 37
Empathy Quotient EQ = 22
Systemising Quotient SQ = 96
Friendship Quotient FQ = 47
Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale Revised (RAADS-R) = 120

And I recognise most of the Asper woman traits in myself that Rudy Simpson lists in [i]Aspergirls[/i].

However in my case I'm not sure if this is due to nature (neurological factors) or nuture (environmental/ life experience), it's hard to unpick.

I find socialising very difficult and awkward. One on one is ok, 2-3 is just about bearable, more than that and you'll likely find me in the corner of the room looking uncomfortable (or even better retreated to a smaller room with a smaller group or talking to just one person and somehow pretending no-one else is there.) This is unless I'm in 'work related performance mode' in which case I can act my way through it and do ok, but am really exhausted afterwards.

I have no close friends except my SO, I'm mostly happy with this but get lonely sometimes.

In my case I'm not sure if my struggle with socialising is linked to be really badly bullied ages 6-7 at a school where I was treated as a complete outsider by everyone including a teacher for over a year. This left me very suspicious, vulnerable and convinced I was doing something wrong in social interactions (and being bullied from then on up to the age of 15). OR it may be that I was already intuitively poor at social interaction because I am on the spectrum and this made me a target for bullies.

I do have some special interests but I'm not fanatical about them and I do appreciate other people can get bored quickly with me talking about them so I try to be careful not to do this. They include maps and steam trains. I spent many happy hours pretending to be a steam train at ages 3-4...I was also very into horses as a child but this got replaced with motorbikes at age 18.

I don't have much of a problem with sensory overload, but prefer to avoid bright lights, sunshine and loud noises and to wear cotton clothes.

I talked well very early, but learnt maths and reading late. I have had problems with movement co-ordination, but was also born with a minor physical defect which when remedied helped my ability to walk and run. I still frequently walk into things and fall up and down stairs if I'm not very careful.

As I said above, I am still deciding whether I want to seek an official diagnosis or not. I'm really not sure what I want to do yet.

My SO (who I have been with nearly 20 years) is also almost certainly on the spectrum too but has no interest in diagnosis and is completely comfortable in his own skin.

I'm trying to get comfortable with who I am and it's an interesting challenge.

After a serious bout of depression I've been re-assessing who I am (with help from a wonderful NHS clinical psychologist)

I've spent much of my life convinced there was something fundamentally wrong with me (due to the childhood bullying and maybe also AS?) but I just couldn't work out what it was. I certainly didn't seem to think like other people or find them easy to relate to. I am terrified of getting social interaction wrong and being ostracised again like I was for the year when I was 6. As a result I've worked really hard not to offend others, and find it hard to stand up for myself. I also get very anxious if I don't think I'm performing in a work situation to my very best ability (as I'm convinced I can only be accepted for the quality of my work not on any social basis).

I also spent much of my life thinking I was also fundamentally stupid but by some kind of trick seemed to be doing quite well academically and sooner or later I'd be found out. I've now realised that this is wrong and I'm actually lucky to have above average intelligence (though not genius level) and I've gone back to full time education. I'm hoping to finish my PhD soon and start a career in academia. My 24-year old self would be amazed at this - she thought she was done with studying for good!

Now, I'm finally beginning to realise there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me, but that I DO think and experience the world differently to quite a lot of other people and this has both good and bad features. I really like the way I think about the world and can solve problems in innovative ways, but sometimes I can get very overwhelmed and sad and that's not so good.

Realising this is a bit like being re-born. It's both very liberating and also quite scary.

So even if I'm not strictly on the spectrum in a DSM sense, I hope that my experiences of being an outsider and struggling socially, and also my life experiences of how I've managed to adapt to this and try to live a fairly fulfilling life, some days with more success than others, can mean I've got something to contribute here.