How to talk to girls without having wild expectations?

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Bill92
Snowy Owl

Joined: Mar 31, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 125
Location: New Jersey, USA

Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 9:56 pm Post subject: How to talk to girls without having wild expectations?

Hello all I don't really know why, but whenever I meet a girl and we end up having any sort of conversation, I immediately begin thinking on terms like "hmmm, she's quite interesting, maybe there's potential here..." and that sort of stuff. I'm 20 years old, never had a girlfriend, and I'm worried that this sort of thinking is just destructive and immediately closes my mind off to getting to know a person for who she is and just letting things go where they may because I'm constantly looking for a certain result. What are your thoughts (if this makes any sense at all)? _________________ Your Aspie score: 127 of 200 Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 79 of 200 You are very likely an Aspie

hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Supporting Member

Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 7577
Location: On the Road Less Traveled

Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 10:26 pm Post subject:

I was this way most of my dating life, and I don't think there is anyway to stop getting high hopes when you are attracted to someone. I think that if you just decide not to rush things, be patient and get to know the girl a little, you won't make any foolish mistakes or assumptions which could ruin things. Start slow; like ask her to go for coffee, then if that goes well try for a longer date like a dinner. I think a lot of people make the mistake of having the first date run on too long, or going to a movie where you are not interacting and staring at a screen. That way if you aren't hitting it off, you are stuck with seeing it through. Hope that helps! _________________ Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born. -- Dr. Dale Turner

AlexaClaire
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: Mar 14, 2012
Posts: 5

Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2012 10:34 pm Post subject:

It makes perfect sense! What you're doing is pretty common, especially never having had a girlfriend and being 20. It's alright to hope for the best, but to constantly expect a particular outcome with a unpredictable variable (the heart isn't always rational!) would certainly lead one to be disappointed often. Also, it might lead you to skew your perceptions: remember that even if a woman is nice to you, she doesn't necessarily want to date you: she just might be nice, or friendly. Some questions that you could consider asking yourself: do you like her? Does she make you feel good? Does it seem like she enjoys your company too? Very basic, but a lot of people seem to forget those questions in their pursuit of "a certain result". It sounds like you have a heightened sense of self-awareness: kudos to you about wanting to actually get to know people and work towards doing that the best way you can - not a lot of people do that.

Wolfheart
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Feb 18, 2011
Age: 23
Posts: 2971
Location: Kent, England

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 2:03 am Post subject:

Focus on the moment instead of the outcome, focus on the direction of the conversation and where it is going.

Bill92
Snowy Owl

Joined: Mar 31, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 125
Location: New Jersey, USA

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 5:41 pm Post subject:

Thanks everyone so far for your advice! _________________ Your Aspie score: 127 of 200 Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 79 of 200 You are very likely an Aspie

shrox
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Aug 12, 2011
Posts: 3254
Location: OK let's go.

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 6:48 pm Post subject:

Wolfheart wrote:

Focus on the moment instead of the outcome, focus on the direction of the conversation and where it is going.

Stare at her breasts. Not.

minervx
Phoenix
Phoenix

Joined: Apr 14, 2011
Age: 21
Posts: 1101
Location: United States

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 7:20 pm Post subject:

You are definitely right to acknowledge that you shouldn't have the expectation of a relationship with every single person of the opposite sex you talk to. Which is easy to have if you only talk to a handful of women. However, if you talk to more women, a lot of women, it will become a routine thing rather than any expectation.

Pyrite
Sealion
Phoenix

Joined: Mar 28, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 1247
Location: Mid-Atlantic United States

Posted: Fri Jun 15, 2012 7:50 pm Post subject:

I'd advise against fantasizing, even about talking to her. It may lead you to feel as if your relationship is more developed than it actually is. _________________ AQ 40. EQ 10/SQ 92. AS 184/NT 18. dx.

1000Knives
It's not difficult if you know how.
Phoenix

Joined: Jul 09, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 4607
Location: CT, USA

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2012 12:35 am Post subject:

Eventually you'll just get pessimistic and just say "Yeah nothing will happen." And yeah.. _________________ Too kawaii to live... Too sugoi to die!

Bill92
Snowy Owl

Joined: Mar 31, 2012
Age: 21
Posts: 125
Location: New Jersey, USA

Posted: Thu Jul 05, 2012 12:44 pm Post subject:

Well, my issue really stems from not thinking that other people would want anything to do with me, like I'm not worth their time. Needless to say, it's a hinderance in any kind of social interaction. _________________ Your Aspie score: 127 of 200 Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 79 of 200 You are very likely an Aspie