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CyclopsSummers
tunnel visionary
Joined: Jun 22, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 1902
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 Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 4:22 am Post subject: I think I'm messing up in a big way (friendship) |
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So, I've kind of regularly been hanging out with this guy I first met on a social skills training session thing in late 2010.
I guess one could say he's currently the closest thing I have to a friend. But I haven't been treating him that well. I often wait for him to contact me for us to do things together, and in the past 6 weeks or so, I've basically told him 'No, I don't want to hang out because I have other things to do'.
I haven't been feeling that peachy psychologically in the past couple of weeks, and I've preferred to spend all my spare time outside of work alone by myself.
I'm afraid that my constant declining his invitations for us to do things together leads to him being disappointed in our relations. However, I don't feel as though we've achieved an emotional bond deep enough for me to confide in him my deepst thoughts, feelings, and concerns, and therefore, I always tiptoe around things when we talk on the phone or by mail, or in person. I won't tell him I feel like crap when I feel like crap, I'll instead say I'm fine.
He's going through a rather difficult time himself, and I think that's why he keeps calling me up to hang out together, so that he has someone he can talk to about those things, while we're seeking some diversion/entertainment.
I just had a very, very awkward phone call with him, and I feel like a bastard. However, I also can't say I feel that much emotionally involved. I don't want to come across as a jerk in this post, either, but I know that's what it looks like. It's just that I'm really enjoying the time I'm reserving for myself right now, without having to 'deal with' other people, so to speak. Other social activities I've been invited to in recent weeks, I've also tried to postpone till the last minute, not looking forward to it at all, but in the end still kind of manageing to derive some enjoyment from them. But it's kind of weird that someone like me, who's felt so lonely and yearned for the arrival of a friend, now basically rejects the company from my newfound acquaintances.
I say new, I've known both acquaintances for 2 years now, and I still keep both of them at arm's length.
Anyway, that's my post for now. I could use some advice with this.
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Siddhi
Raven
Joined: Jan 23, 2012
Posts: 100
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 7:42 am Post subject: |
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I would say that you need to decide what you really want to do. Do you really want to continue with the friendship or you want to break it. I am currently in a similar situation where i am avoiding all kinds of "hanging out" with this flatmate of mine. She asks me but i cant deal with what she wants me to do. On the flip side, the 2 people i think as friends, i make an effort to keep in touch even though there are days when i cant deal with them.
So when i noticed my behaviour with my flatmate. I thought about why i did not want to be with her, because i wanted friends. After thought i realised that we did not connect and i felt i was made to do things i did not want to or could not do. She basically was not listening to anything i had to say and kept on demanding that i did things with her (things she likes). Also with her i know that she is never going to remember me or keep in touch after we leave the flat so it makes more sense to me to stop pushing myself to do things she wants me to do to have a "friend".
So what i am trying to say is:
1. decide whether you want to be friends or not. Dont leave things ambiguous.
2. Communicate whatever you decide. So with my selected "friends", i make a point to tell them that i am in my" no talk zone". I also make a point that when i am out, i go back to them. With my flatmate, i encourage her to go with others, which she either ways does.
3. With my friends if i know they are having trouble, i do make sure to listen to them as i know they listen to me when i need to talk.
But keep in mind:
1. If the opposite person has difficulties with social interaction and has made efforts to keep in touch. It is going to hurt that person more if you delay telling him or her what you actually feel.
2. relationships mean you have to do things that you do not enjoy. So it means you have to listen to stuff even when you dont care. You have to decide if it is worth it. No friendship is going to be such where you dont have to negotiate.
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CyclopsSummers
tunnel visionary
Joined: Jun 22, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 1902
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 10:34 am Post subject: |
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| Siddhi wrote: | I would say that you need to decide what you really want to do. Do you really want to continue with the friendship or you want to break it. I am currently in a similar situation where i am avoiding all kinds of "hanging out" with this flatmate of mine. She asks me but i cant deal with what she wants me to do. On the flip side, the 2 people i think as friends, i make an effort to keep in touch even though there are days when i cant deal with them.
So when i noticed my behaviour with my flatmate. I thought about why i did not want to be with her, because i wanted friends. After thought i realised that we did not connect and i felt i was made to do things i did not want to or could not do. She basically was not listening to anything i had to say and kept on demanding that i did things with her (things she likes). Also with her i know that she is never going to remember me or keep in touch after we leave the flat so it makes more sense to me to stop pushing myself to do things she wants me to do to have a "friend".
So what i am trying to say is:
1. decide whether you want to be friends or not. Dont leave things ambiguous.
2. Communicate whatever you decide. So with my selected "friends", i make a point to tell them that i am in my" no talk zone". I also make a point that when i am out, i go back to them. With my flatmate, i encourage her to go with others, which she either ways does.
3. With my friends if i know they are having trouble, i do make sure to listen to them as i know they listen to me when i need to talk.
But keep in mind:
1. If the opposite person has difficulties with social interaction and has made efforts to keep in touch. It is going to hurt that person more if you delay telling him or her what you actually feel.
2. relationships mean you have to do things that you do not enjoy. So it means you have to listen to stuff even when you dont care. You have to decide if it is worth it. No friendship is going to be such where you dont have to negotiate. |
That final part is exactly the thing, Siddhi. As I had gone without friends for many years, I ended up creating an idealised view of what a friendship would be like. As you could expect, these ideals are difficult to meet. They certainly didn't include the 'things you do not enjoy' that you mention.
I consider the friendship a valuable thing. I do not know if I deserve it.
Something that ended up affecting my views on friendship, is the fact that my old classmates who I had found on Facebook, and who I was very close to in school, basically stopped talking to me. I kept suggesting that we'd meet up, but something would inevitably come in-between for one of them, and it just kept being postponed. It was so frustrating that I deleted that Facebook account (they were my only FB friends).
Ever since that experience, in which I was unable to maintain the link with the guys I had considered soulmates in school, it's put a dent in my self-confidence in terms of deeper social interactions. If basically ANYONE can up and fly away, no matter how well you got along once (and this goes for relatives, too), then do I really want to get involved with someone past 'acquaintance'? That would require full trust, and I just don't have that yet with my two acquaintances.
To be honest, I also sometimes think that my friend is too nice to be friends with someone like me, as I can be very dark in my outlook on life, and can also employ a very acerbic sarcasm. Sometimes I hear him talk and I think "That's way too nice!"
You provide some good advice and pointers, Siddhi, thanks. I'll definitely take it with me, although I'm still in a mood to continue spending my free time alone, especially now that there's a new development in my life that requires more intense studying, and is also has significant emotional gravity for me. I find myself, again, at a crossroads.
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thewhitrbbit
Phoenix
Joined: May 31, 2012
Age: 27
Posts: 2159
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 11:13 am Post subject: |
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| Sometimes you have to do things you don't really want to do. I think if you keep ignoring the friend, the invites will stop coming. |
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OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6783
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 12:54 pm Post subject: |
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It like he's a friend. Just dive in and be one back. Tell him how you feel. You don't have to hang with him if you don't feel like it. Friendship is a swim or drown proposition, and people who want to take it in stages and analyze every aspect of it do themselves a disservice.
Know how I met my current best friend? On FB. She had worked at the haunted house with my daughter. The other haunted house, not the one at the old jail that my son works at. This was Daniels haunted trail. It wasn't that scary. They had David (Whitewash the rapper) there as "drunk frat boy" and all he did was sit by a tree, drink and yell YOU CANT JUDGE ME! at people, and then there was my daughter, the insane vampire clown who was on a swing and then ran at people and then my friend who was "Living Dead Girl" but didn't look any different from how she does everyday (bad meth habit). So anyway, we had got to talking when she friended me on FB. One of our biggest bonding things was our unexplainable attraction to Dog the bounty hunter. Don't hate, I can't help it.
Anyway, the first time we had offline contact was this one night when she posted suicidal things because Nathianel ad dumped her. I said whats your number, she told me, and I called. I was all motherly that night. Telling her "oh baby you are so much better than him! People love you, I love you" and such. and she needed to hear that and she was fine the next day. So then a month or two down the road I had a fight with my husband. I said on FB I hate him and want out of here. She commented Mighty Mouse is on her way and she came and got me and we had a greattime at her house. We actually played dress up. We put on old bridesmaids dresses and drank wine.
We had one falling out, once. I had had yet another fight with my husband and another friend came and got me and he needed some chemistry help so I went over and helped him with that and the next morning I told him drop me at her house. Nothing happened with him, just chemistry and television. And beef erkey he has this dryer thing that makes it. Anyway, I knocked and she came to the door with an ice pack on her hand and said she's about to go to sleep I can't stay there. BS. She ain't slept in the past four days that I knew of. And an ice bag on her hand. And she wouldn't let me in. So I said "Mmmm Hmmmm, kiss my ass then, I'm leaving my bag on your porch" and so I did, and I walked home. I got a ride from (get this) a State Trooper! But I came home and posted "Friends will be friends" by Queen on her wall and so she apologized.
My point here, and I do have one, is that friendship isn't always like you think it's gonna be. Go with what happens. It's different with different people.
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Frances
What if Jessie's girl was Stacy's mom and her number was 867-5309? |
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Siddhi
Raven
Joined: Jan 23, 2012
Posts: 100
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2012 2:51 pm Post subject: |
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CyclopsSummers:
What you are going through is quite similar to what i am going through right now. Our past experiences are a bit different though. In my childhood i have never had friends who did not use me in some manner. I lost trust with people progressively. In fact i would say i was never as miserable and freaked as i was since i started working towards making friends.
| Quote: | | If basically ANYONE can up and fly away, no matter how well you got along once (and this goes for relatives, too), then do I really want to get involved with someone past 'acquaintance'? |
Like you, i know how it is when people suddenly stop talking to you. That is my experience with people. People i thought were my friends just stopped once my utility was over. So i get what you are talking about. From what you describe it seems your "soulmate" friends just grew differently. My first friend was this girl who i was with for 6 years. One day she told me she could no longer be friends with me as i was not like others. I was very angry with her, but now i think she was possibly the kindest. She atleast told me the truth bluntly than leaving me guessing. Now when i look back i can see she was at a completely different level than i was.
| Quote: | | To be honest, I also sometimes think that my friend is too nice to be friends with someone like me, as I can be very dark in my outlook on life, and can also employ a very acerbic sarcasm. Sometimes I hear him talk and I think "That's way too nice!" |
I think you are also a nice person if you are trying to make an effort. You dont know what he is getting from being friends with you. But he is getting something if he wants to be with you. So it is okay. If you really want to keep in touch but cant deal with face to face right now, email those 2 people. I do that frequently. Even if i live with my sister in law (who is one of my friends) or work with (who is my ex-colleague).
| Quote: | | As I had gone without friends for many years |
I think this is the key. If you have been alone for ages it is difficult to break that pattern. It happened to me recently. I have a classmate that i get along surprisingly well. Whenever i spend time with her it is interesting not as forced as with my flatmate. I have been keeping in touch with them via email. It is a habit that i got myself into over the last year. Last week she suggested we meet. Now honestly, i am still in my "dont want to deal with anybody" mode. I did not want to meet her. But i knew that i did not want to loose a person like her. I also know my tendency to avoid any kinds of changes, so moving from spending the whole day in my room to spending half a day with her was too much. I kept on thinking of reasons why i should not meet her. My anxiety was really high as i just was not ready. But i did force myself. It turned out we did not meet as we missed each other. But it was okay as i made an effort. We fixed up for another day when i knew i was in Uni so i would be able to force myself better. It is not that i dont like her, it is just the way i am. I have to work with me being the way i am as i dont want to live a completely alone life if i can help it.
So what i am trying to say is that, i get what you are feeling right now (as much i can without really being in your head). Figure out what works the best for you but dont give up on making friends.
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CyclopsSummers
tunnel visionary
Joined: Jun 22, 2008
Age: 26
Posts: 1902
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 4:12 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the input, rabbit, OliveOilMom, and Siddhi.
As I had already sent him an e-mail prior to my posting this thread, I will await his reply (we both sometimes take a while before formulating a reply mail and sending it).
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Siddhi
Raven
Joined: Jan 23, 2012
Posts: 100
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| Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 7:09 pm Post subject: |
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Hey CyclopsSummers,
Talking to you helped me clear some things in my head too about myself. So thanks for posting about it.
Siddhi
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