ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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 Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:28 am Post subject: Why do nt women leave and some don't? |
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I have read a lot from this and many forums on nt-as relationships. There seems to be some common points
- many nts are deeply unhappy with their marriages/relationships
- some will stay and support their partner as they try to manage their AS.
- some stay even though their husband/wife won't admit they have AS or will not change
-many like my wife see a diagnosis as a chance to plan their escape route, even though me as the AS person is doing everything to improve. In the end they just leave rather than supporting their partner.
-It is the ultimate abandonment. They use the old you had your chance line? I just hate that excuse.
- It certainly makes me feel like I have a disability and have just been dumped.
-I admire the people who stand by their partners and work thru it! I just wish my wife had the courage to work with me.
-and then they dangle the carrot if u improve yourself who knows! Please
Would people leave their partners if they suddenly were in a wheelchair? I guess some would. |
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Monkeybuttorama
Sea Gull
Joined: Jun 20, 2012
Age: 26
Posts: 214
Location: Somewhere beyond this pathetic "reality"
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:38 am Post subject: |
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People, in general, suck. It blows, but it's the same regardless if you are NT or AS or paralyzed or whatever. There is no escape from bad things unless you just completely cut people from your life.
I'm sorry you went/are going through that; it always sucks to be rejected for something you have no control over.  |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 3:43 am Post subject: |
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| I guess that's y it hurts so much. Aspies are loyal and I would of stood by wife thru any illness. |
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pastafarian
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 20, 2011
Posts: 543
Location: London
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:09 am Post subject: |
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Monkeybuttorama is right. This don't depend on whether you are NT or Aspie.
If you think you are loyal, its not cos Aspies are loyal.
Its cos you are loyal. I get fed up of people assigning all their positive characteristics with their diagnosis.
I see why someone hurting would do it but it helps nothing. It's also simply not - true Aspies hurt people, they cut them off and leave them sore, just the way NTs do. They sometimes are cold and simply do not feel the pain they cause those they cut off, who love them deeply. They do what they think is best for them, like NTs do.
Two people, regardless of neurology, are just bloody lucky when love helps the solve all their problems, or helps them never have problems. |
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Verdandi
Miss Kitty Fantastico
Joined: Dec 08, 2010
Posts: 10193
Location: University of California Sunnydale (fictional location - Real location Olympia, WA)
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:16 am Post subject: Re: Why do nt women leave and some don't? |
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| ozman wrote: |
Would people leave their partners if they suddenly were in a wheelchair? I guess some would. |
Yes, some would. I read a story once about a woman who had a leg amputated, and her husband ended up leaving her. A friend of mine's boyfriend broke up with her once she was diagnosed with a systemic autoimmune disease (I don't recall which one) and hooked up with another woman who was several years younger. |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:22 am Post subject: |
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| Ok I thought aspies were loyal. Fair enough. Must just b me |
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:36 am Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | | Ok I thought aspies were loyal. Fair enough. Must just b me |
OP, You'll always get the standard, "well it works both ways, it has nothing to do with AS v. NT, yada yada."
While these statements are technically true, I find them very disingenuous by the people who post them.
Here's reality:
Most NT women who learn about their husband's AS will think, "OK, it's not deliberate, but it's not gonna change either. Do I want to stay with this guy and learn to deal, or do I wanna get the hell out now?"
Their answer will depend on multiple factors, mostly related to how well their AS husband is able to provide for them. If he's some sort of successful rocket scientist with a six figure salary, chances are she'll grin and bear it. If he's unemployed, mediocre, or if she feels she's found a better alternative, she'll leave him.
Hope that answers your question. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:50 am Post subject: |
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moved from General Autism Discussion to Love & Dating
as far as i know, the aspie divorce/breakup rate doesn't seem to be any better than the NT rates. people leave each other for a lot of reasons, but aspieness doesn't confer loyalty in all cases.
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 4:59 am Post subject: |
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Im no scientist but I earn good money. Personally my wife runs away from relationships if they get to tough. Litany of failed friendships and family contacts.
I just feel so let down and abandoned. I think the AS was in many ways a convenient excuse. I did make some mistakes.. I think it is easy to tell friends that it was my fault because of the AS. Some of them look at me differently now like I'm a freak. I think she thinks she didnt do anything wrong. Her get out of jail is that I told you something was wrong with you years ago and you didnt do anything about it. I am now,! And suddenly to late, u r dumped.
She also says I can't be a good father without her assistance. I can hold down a great job, have many friends, look after myself but have AS so i can't be a good dad, what the? |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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JanuaryMan
Aspierational
Joined: Jan 02, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 2548
Location: Hants, UK
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:05 am Post subject: |
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The other things to consider about the wheelchair analogy are these:
1) We don't acquire Aspergers, we have it to begin with. You might discover the diagnosis later down the track, and leaving someone over a discovery like that would be petty and ignorant. However, many go into relationships thinking they can handle how someone is (like NT going out with AS). They try and try but over time either get broken down, or give up in the process. The same would probably happen to me trying to help someone through something of their own if I'm being fair.
2) Sometimes a change in health or learning of a condition can alter the moods, personality, and more that the other person used to love about them. It might be shallow things, and some more deep and meaningful. A person going into a wheelchair might become very bitter about their situation and attack those around them that they love, and drive them to despair and desertion. It's not as simple as blaming them for prejudice, though sometimes unfortunately it does apply.
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again_with_this
Phoenix
Joined: Jun 14, 2012
Age: 30
Posts: 780
Location: New Jersey, USA
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:07 am Post subject: |
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| ozman wrote: | | She also says I can't be a good father without her assistance. I can hold down a great job, have many friends, look after myself but have AS so i can't be a good dad, what the? |
She's partly afraid that the kids might turn out like their old man, which by the way, she's not thrilled with or accepting of. Also, if she feels she can live comfortably from taking half of your assets and receiving alimony/child support, it's all the more reason to use your AS as grounds for divorce. |
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hyperlexian
loves the man who typed too much and ran outta spa
Joined: Jul 22, 2010
Age: 41
Posts: 21969
Location: with bucephalus
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:09 am Post subject: |
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| again_with_this wrote: | | ozman wrote: | | She also says I can't be a good father without her assistance. I can hold down a great job, have many friends, look after myself but have AS so i can't be a good dad, what the? |
She's partly afraid that the kids might turn out like their old man, which by the way, she's not thrilled with or accepting of. Also, if she feels she can live comfortably from taking half of your assets and receiving alimony/child support, it's all the more reason to use your AS as grounds for divorce. |
how do you know his wife does not work? perhaps he will end up with half of HER assets!
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Wolfheart
Phoenix
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Age: 23
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Location: Kent, England
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:15 am Post subject: |
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This doesn't seem like an easy situation, I wouldn't even be interested in a girl that wasn't supportive or positive about AS. I suppose it's easy to say that though when I was diagnosed as a teenager and not after years of marriage and children.
I wouldn't have a clue where to start in this situation but I hope it works out for you. |
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sweetcakes
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 21, 2012
Posts: 53
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| Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2012 5:29 am Post subject: |
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I agree, its so complex. I used go to Al-Anon meetings hoping against hope that my man would see the light and get sober. (which they rarely do- by the way) and I noticed something I thought was really weird- a woman or man would put up with YEARS/DECADES of RIDICULOUS suffering, pain, and or abuse from their alcoholic partner. Finally, when the partner finally gets sober and starts living this fantastic (usually AA) life, the co-alcoholic FLIPS out, freaks out, desperately seeks therapy, obsessively attends meetings and then finally, after a year or so- divorces their spouse claiming that they themselves can't fully understand it- that they know they should be happy that their spouse finally figured it out and is doing something about it.
Part of what is happening is that while they endured the unsatisfying rlshp,(which often SLOWLY progressed to a horrible place- kind of insulating them from their own feelings) they had kind of a dream which ALL TOOK place in the FUTURE. So they lived cut off from their feelings and in a fantasy future. Also, they could console themselves with the idea of what a devoted, loyal partner they were, and also pat themselves on the back for keeping everything together (which they prob SHOULD have let fall completely apart!).
Finally their partner finds a whole new happy way of life and the co-alkie no longer has the obsession, the fantasy future, the feelings of self sacrificing, wonderful partner /miserable but amazing martyr (twisted self-esteem) and is left realizing that they never HAD to go along for that ride anyway in the FIRST place- it was just their messed delusion (family background usually) that was holding them captive that WHOLE time they wasted their life unlike the spouse who AT LEAST HAD A REAL (tangible at least) REASON to live a completely sh*tty life- KIng Alcohol!!
It's humiliating to realize some of this stuff, it really really is. Recovery is a painful, humbling experience. That's why so few (relatively speaking) ppl EVER REALLY DO IT!!!
Does this help? I'm not really providing any answers, just a more fully explained parallel. Also, there does come a time in a person's life where they've just had it- they cant take it any more, no matter how weird or bad the timing seems, they passed some personal, perhaps unconscious- point of no return and it's JUST TOO LATE. We've prob all been there ourselves in one way or another.... |
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