WrongPlanet.net
WP Members: > 80,000



Aspie Affection

New Today: 3
New Yesterday: 20

Just got engaged - now I am panicking 1, 2  Next  
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Wrong Planet Autism Forum Index -> The Haven     
SilkySifaka
Lemur
Phoenix


Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Age: 29
Posts: 1396
Location: UK

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:13 pm    Post subject: Just got engaged - now I am panicking Reply with quote

I'm sorry if this is in the wrong place, I wasn't sure where to put it.

Yesterday I got engaged. I'm very happy about that, we've been together a long time and getting married is important to us. We've talked about it a lot, and I agreed to get married as long as we could have a very small wedding so it will just be immediate family (my parents and sister, his parents and sister and her husband). So that is all fine.

My problem is that since we've announced it suddenly a few people are sending me emails, FB messages and texts and asking about the wedding and talking as if they are presuming they will be invited! This has really surprised me as some of these people have barely bothered to speak to me for months and none are close friends. One person I was once quite close to dropped me completely about six months ago and now they have reappeared and offered to help me organize my wedding and making suggestions about where I should have it, how much I should spend etc. None of these people know about my Aspergers.

Now I am in an utter panic because I don't know how to tell them that there won't be a proper wedding without sounding rude. The longer I don't say anything the worse it is going to get. I'm so confused, I'm awful at this sort of thing. What should I do, or say?

Sorry for the long post. If anyone has any advice, I'd appreciate it very much.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PastFixations
One who will open the door.
Phoenix


Joined: Sep 22, 2011
Posts: 2725

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You mean a low key wedding? The type which is just a small reception to witness the ceremony or literally just you and your man with the priest guy/wedding guy?
_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&highlight=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SilkySifaka
Lemur
Phoenix


Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Age: 29
Posts: 1396
Location: UK

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It will just be me and my boyfriend, our parents and siblings. It will be in a registry office (the UK equivalent of a court house) and after that we will maybe go to a restaurant and then go home. So very low key.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Supporting Member


Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 7684
Location: On the Road Less Traveled

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I am engaged, too. And I completely can relate to what you are going through. The thing is, that my fiance and I decided early that we were just going to go down to city hall and tie the knot. At first, we had toyed with the idea of having a formal wedding, but since we are both Aspie, we dreaded making a huge fuss. After we had informed our respective families, we made it clear that we weren't going to be having a big wedding that you invite people to. We got some pressure from my aunt. She felt that we should get married in a church even though neither of us are religious. Then she was offering to come all the way to our state and cook for the big bash that she thought we were having. For a long time I felt guilty because I wasn't going to have this huge affair to which at least thirty people thought they would be invited, but we stood firm to our plans not to make any plans.

When people realized that we meant business they backed off. Keep in mind that it is YOUR WEDDING. You have a right to do what you please. You already decided to include whomever you wished. Don't let anyone push you into allowing them to make plans for your special day. You can respond to these wannabe wedding planners quite firmly. tell them that you have already made your arrangements for a small family wedding and thank them for their well wishes. You don't have to feel obligated to invite anyone just because they feel entitled. After all, some of these people that you mentioned haven't even been in your life so why the heck would you included them in your special day? I have read horror stories where people were guilt tripped into spending and doing way more than they intended to, and really regretting it later. Guest lists swelled to unmanageable numbers, and expenses sky rocketed. Stand firm! And good luck! Smile
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PastFixations
One who will open the door.
Phoenix


Joined: Sep 22, 2011
Posts: 2725

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

SilkySifaka wrote:
It will just be me and my boyfriend, our parents and siblings. It will be in a registry office (the UK equivalent of a court house) and after that we will maybe go to a restaurant and then go home. So very low key.

Sure I understand where your going.
You may wish to say something like this:
We are both thrilled you would like to come, however this wedding really isn't going to be spacious enough as we have our family members to consider.
_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&highlight=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
PastFixations
One who will open the door.
Phoenix


Joined: Sep 22, 2011
Posts: 2725

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Also if after that they get all pushy, do what hartzofspace said and stay firm and in control.
_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&highlight=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SilkySifaka
Lemur
Phoenix


Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Age: 29
Posts: 1396
Location: UK

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 5:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hartzofspace wrote:
I am engaged, too. And I completely can relate to what you are going through. The thing is, that my fiance and I decided early that we were just going to go down to city hall and tie the knot. At first, we had toyed with the idea of having a formal wedding, but since we are both Aspie, we dreaded making a huge fuss. After we had informed our respective families, we made it clear that we weren't going to be having a big wedding that you invite people to. We got some pressure from my aunt. She felt that we should get married in a church even though neither of us are religious. Then she was offering to come all the way to our state and cook for the big bash that she thought we were having. For a long time I felt guilty because I wasn't going to have this huge affair to which at least thirty people thought they would be invited, but we stood firm to our plans not to make any plans.

When people realized that we meant business they backed off. Keep in mind that it is YOUR WEDDING. You have a right to do what you please. You already decided to include whomever you wished. Don't let anyone push you into allowing them to make plans for your special day. You can respond to these wannabe wedding planners quite firmly. tell them that you have already made your arrangements for a small family wedding and thank them for their well wishes. You don't have to feel obligated to invite anyone just because they feel entitled. After all, some of these people that you mentioned haven't even been in your life so why the heck would you included them in your special day? I have read horror stories where people were guilt tripped into spending and doing way more than they intended to, and really regretting it later. Guest lists swelled to unmanageable numbers, and expenses sky rocketed. Stand firm! And good luck! Smile


Thank you, that is really helpful, I think I just need to calm down. I just get into a big panic when I don't know what to say. You are right I should just be firm about it. If I'm adult enough to get married I should be adult enough to be able to explain my choices.

I'm glad you stood firm in your plans, I'm sure your day will be lovely Smile

PastFixations wrote:
You may wish to say something like this:
We are both thrilled you would like to come, however this wedding really isn't going to be spacious enough as we have our family members to consider.


Thank you, that is very reasonable and sensible and just what I needed.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
sinsboldly
Free Range Aspie
Phoenix


Joined: Nov 22, 2006
Age: 63
Posts: 15254

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

best wishes, SilkySifaka. i hope your day is memorable!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
hartzofspace
Red Dragon
Supporting Member


Joined: Apr 15, 2005
Posts: 7684
Location: On the Road Less Traveled

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

SilkySifaka wrote:
I'm glad you stood firm in your plans, I'm sure your day will be lovely Smile

Aww, thank you! Cool
_________________
Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
-- Dr. Dale Turner
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PastFixations
One who will open the door.
Phoenix


Joined: Sep 22, 2011
Posts: 2725

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good luck to you both, SillySifaka and hartzofspace.
_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&highlight=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SilkySifaka
Lemur
Phoenix


Joined: Apr 23, 2012
Age: 29
Posts: 1396
Location: UK

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

sinsboldly wrote:
best wishes, SilkySifaka. i hope your day is memorable!


Thank you Smile It won't be for about a year and half (I imagine I'll have a few more moments of panic between now and then). I hope it will be memorable although knowing my family it may not be memorable in the way I am hoping!

PastFixations wrote:
Good luck to you both, SillySifaka and hartzofspace.


Thank you Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
singularity
Deinonychus
Deinonychus


Joined: Mar 29, 2012
Posts: 376

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

SilkySifaka wrote:
It will just be me and my boyfriend, our parents and siblings. It will be in a registry office (the UK equivalent of a court house) and after that we will maybe go to a restaurant and then go home.


Just tell them this^^
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
redrobin62
Doppelgänger
Phoenix


Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 52
Posts: 11228
Location: Seattle, WA

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good luck, Silky. Sorry to see you go. We had good conversations on WP.
_________________
One Day At A Time.
His book: http://www.amazon.com/Wetland-Other-Stories-Robin-Ray-ebook/dp/B00E0NVTL2
His blog: http://seattlewordsmith.wordpress.com/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
PastFixations
One who will open the door.
Phoenix


Joined: Sep 22, 2011
Posts: 2725

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 7:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

redrobin62 wrote:
Good luck, Silky. Sorry to see you go. We had good conversations on WP.

What makes you think she's leaving?
_________________
www.wrongplanet.net/postp5013377.html&highlight=#5013377

Sora: "My friends are my power."

Ventus: "I'm asking you as a friend. Just... put an end to me."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
redrobin62
Doppelgänger
Phoenix


Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 52
Posts: 11228
Location: Seattle, WA

PostPosted: Sat Jun 30, 2012 8:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, isn't WP sort of a Lonely Hearts Club Band? From the huge amount of suicidal posts and rejection posts you'd think it was!

I sometimes look at WP as a place to gain social skills. Getting married is like a graduation. You're free now. You've made it in the world. The rest of use are those sad eyed puppies getting left behind in the animal shelter, hoping the next family walking in the front door would adopt us. Sad
_________________
One Day At A Time.
His book: http://www.amazon.com/Wetland-Other-Stories-Robin-Ray-ebook/dp/B00E0NVTL2
His blog: http://seattlewordsmith.wordpress.com/
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Wrong Planet Autism Forum Index -> The Haven   
1, 2  Next  

 
Read more Articles on Wrong Planet



Wrong Planet is a Registered Trademark.
Copyright 2004-2014, Wrong Planet, LLC and Alex Plank. Alex does public speaking for Autism.

Advertise on Wrong Planet

Alex Hotchalk / Glam 

Alex Plank  Aspie Affection 

Terms of Service - You must read this as a user of Wrong Planet | Privacy Policy

Subscribe: RSS Feed  Wrong Planet News  Wrong Planet Forums




fine art