|
Xenu
Dragon Slayer/World Dictator
Joined: Dec 27, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 1438
|
 Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 4:42 am Post subject: I hate being alive... |
 |
|
| I'm not going to kill myself because I'm too terrified of death but I've been really depressed lately... I mean I've suffered from severe depression since I was 11 because of my Bipolar and cycle through depression moods a lot but only like twice a year does it get this bad... But like it feels like everything in my life is going wrong right now... I mean as most of you know my girlfriend of 2 years left me in April and while I'm over that and don't care about her anymore it still does sometimes hurt a bit, my uncle died a few weeks ago from cancer which kind of screwed me over a bit, 2 days ago a woman who is like a grandmother to me died which really hurts... And my parents are telling me that I don't have a right to be upset about it because I'm an atheist (which doesn't make any sense to me...) which just kind of makes me feel even more alone, and now my mom is having severe issues with her hip and legs and is having trouble walking and so I don't know what's going on with that... She had tests done at the doctors today and they gave her Vicodin until the tests come back but yeah... I'm really worried about my mom... And my grandfather is in the beginning stages of ahlzheimers and he is getting worse and worse ever month, and my grandmother just found out she has Galt which while I know is treatable I still don't like knowing she has an illness because of how old she is... And like I hate how I don't really have a connection with my sibilings because they pretty much hate me because while I love my parents they were really shitty parents and didn't really raise us right and raised me and my sibilings to be overly competitive and fight out our issues so we all hate each other because of how mean we all were to each other as kids and still are now because it's a hard habit to break... (not me, I love them but they fully hate me...) And I feel like I'm a massive embarrassment to my dad and he's like my f***ing idol... I mean he's your stereotypical jock and was in High School as well, he likes sports, he works out, and has been in the military since he was 17 and still is. He also has Bipolar just like I do as well as PTSD yet he went to school, made connections and has an amazing job and is very very wealthy because of it... But like I have aspergers and bipolar and I try so so hard to be normal and succeed like him but it's so hard... It's so hard to hold down a job and I'm forcing my way through college but that's hard as well... And I'm so unlike him, I mean I love musicals, and art, and all the stuff he considers "faggy" and I'm just not a man like him and I hate it... He says he loves me but I can tell he's embarrassed of me... And like we also have a hard relationship because of his PTSD and Bipolar (as well as how he was abused as a kid) I suffered mild abuse as a kid and I started defending myself at about age 11. And while he doesn't hit me anymore or anything and still is calm we still have times where he's in a bad mood and we end up in a fist fight... I love my dad so much and I feel I don't tell him enough but I'm so embarrassed to even talk to him because of how much of a disappointment I probably am to him... And like I have friends, I have lots of friends who love me and I enjoy hanging out with them but I am often just too depressed to even get out of the house and hang out with them... For a while I had been making efforts to get out and work out a lot but I've even slouched on that now... I just don't know what to do or how to handle all this... |
|
| Back to top |
|
Xenu
Dragon Slayer/World Dictator
Joined: Dec 27, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 1438
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 4:47 am Post subject: |
|
|
| And like I know this isn't true but I feel like everybody hates me... I'm such an awkward person and I also have issues of being really arrogant as well as not knowing what is socially appropriate (well of course) and so I often make jokes that really offend people... And I've always had self loathing issues... And like my parents don't me to but they're kind of assholes and my entire family makes fun of each or when they are pissed off will be like "f**k off" or "f**k you retard" to each other and sh** like that and it just really hurts... And I don't want to bring it up because I don't want my parents to feel bad for hurting my feelings because they aren't trying too and I hate making people feel bad... |
|
| Back to top |
|
outofplace
Geometrophile
Joined: Jun 11, 2012
Age: 39
Posts: 1771
Location: In A State of Quantum Flux
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:18 am Post subject: |
|
|
First off, the issues between you and your dad are not your fault. He is a narrow minded person whose love is given conditionally when, if he really were a Christian, he would be following the example of Jesus Christ who loved all of mankind unconditionally. You are a unique person. You are not your father and nor should you try to be. Frankly, I see nothing "faggy" about your interests as none of them involve intimate relations with someone of the same sex. Just remember that people with a military background are sometimes people who get involved because they are looking to have a personality thrust upon them since they do not have one of their own. Thus you have the nonsensical "uber-male" garbage that many of them take upon themselves without any critical thinking about the process. Sorry, but to me it sounds more like he has his own issues if he can't accept that you are different from him.
I too am someone who never measured up in the eyes of my parents. My mom never got why I didn't like sports and my dad didn't get why I wasn't into lifting weights, fitness and the like. To me, both were worthless as machines could be made to do the same tasks more efficiently than a man and so I saw no point to any of it. I liked mechanical things, specifically cars. That was pretty much it for me as it was my singular obsessive interest. Neither of my parents were mechanically inclined though so neither of them understood me. They wanted a perfect, average middle class existence and I didn't fit their mold. They berated me about not having a girlfriend, and said that my social situation couldn't be as bad as I was making it out to be (it was actually worse). The old car I had was considered a blight by the neighborhood association and I heard no end to the negative comments about it. However, it was my freedom and so I really didn't care. When I was working on it or driving it I was free. In later years I have come to a reconciliation with my parents. We never stopped loving each other but they had to learn to accept me as an individual. I also tried to think about their lives and experiences and understand them better as well. After all, understanding is a two way street.
My point is that you are not alone in this. Anyone who is different can end up ostracized by parents who think their children should be little clones of themselves rather than unique individuals of their own making. Soon you will be ready to leave the nest and make a life of your own. Hopefully they too will learn to accept you for who you are. It may take time though.
_________________
Uncertain of diagnosis, either ADHD or Aspergers.
Aspie quiz: 143/200 AS, 81/200 NT; AQ 43; "eyes" 17/39, EQ/SQ 21/51 BAPQ: Autistic/BAP- You scored 92 aloof, 111 rigid and 103 pragmatic
|
|
| Back to top |
|
sally7171
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Joined: Jun 20, 2012
Age: 42
Posts: 59
Location: Florida
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 8:58 am Post subject: |
|
|
You have a lot going on right now so it's totally understandable that you're depressed. Your life will get better, you know that, so just go easy on yourself.
Your Asperger's is likely placing a wall between you and your siblings. That's what happened to me. You have to work extra hard to overcome that and show them that you love them. Have you actually told them that you love them, that you appreciate them, that you want to be closer to them? I have started doing that with my sister and we're much closer now. We talk at least once a week about our parents, her life, my life, everything. It has improved my relationship with my whole family.
I used to blame my parents for my low self esteem and my inability to connect with them, as I only recently found out I have Asperger's. Your parents probably want to be closer to you, they just don't know how to do that, especially if you shrink away when they touch you (I do this to my parents and it hurts their feelings). If you're in school and have a job your parents are likely very proud of you, whether they express it or not.
_________________
Aspie score 138 of 200
Non-autistic score 70 of 200 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Xenu
Dragon Slayer/World Dictator
Joined: Dec 27, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 1438
|
| Posted: Wed Jul 04, 2012 5:49 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Thanks buy I think that my relationship with my sibilings it too broken to fix... And today f***ing sucks... I hate the 4th of July because every 4th of July my dad goes completely insane and beats the f**k out of me... He has PTSD from the war and hates fireworks and even though they haven't started yet he's always in a bad mood the whole day because he knows they will happen and I guess they remind him of war and he always takes it out on everybody but always physically on me every 4th of July... I f***ing hate this sh**... |
|
| Back to top |
|
CockneyRebel
Mick Avory, Sensitive brown-eyed Sweet Pea
Joined: Jul 18, 2004
Age: 38
Posts: 87357
Location: In a quiet and peaceful garden, where gentle Mick Avory-like Sweet Peas grow.
|
|
| Back to top |
|
BlueMax
Phoenix
![]()
Joined: Aug 28, 2007
Age: 39
Posts: 5284
|
| Posted: Fri Jul 06, 2012 12:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Xenu wrote: | | Thanks buy I think that my relationship with my sibilings it too broken to fix... And today f***ing sucks... I hate the 4th of July because every 4th of July my dad goes completely insane and beats the f**k out of me... He has PTSD from the war and hates fireworks and even though they haven't started yet he's always in a bad mood the whole day because he knows they will happen and I guess they remind him of war and he always takes it out on everybody but always physically on me every 4th of July... I f***ing hate this sh**... |
PTSD is no excuse for that crap! Has he ever even apologized for it? Sounds more like an excuse because he WANTS to hit you!  That really burns my biscuit....
This is the kind of thing that needs to be dealt with, but the likely result will be him getting even worse because you dared to stand up to him. I'd start thinking escape plans... finding somewhere else to live, even if you're under 16.
One of those kids' help lines may give good advice there. |
|
| Back to top |
|
Xenu
Dragon Slayer/World Dictator
Joined: Dec 27, 2008
Age: 19
Posts: 1438
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 3:10 am Post subject: |
|
|
| BlueMax wrote: | | Xenu wrote: | | Thanks buy I think that my relationship with my sibilings it too broken to fix... And today f***ing sucks... I hate the 4th of July because every 4th of July my dad goes completely insane and beats the f**k out of me... He has PTSD from the war and hates fireworks and even though they haven't started yet he's always in a bad mood the whole day because he knows they will happen and I guess they remind him of war and he always takes it out on everybody but always physically on me every 4th of July... I f***ing hate this sh**... |
PTSD is no excuse for that crap! Has he ever even apologized for it? Sounds more like an excuse because he WANTS to hit you! That really burns my biscuit....
This is the kind of thing that needs to be dealt with, but the likely result will be him getting even worse because you dared to stand up to him. I'd start thinking escape plans... finding somewhere else to live, even if you're under 16.
One of those kids' help lines may give good advice there. |
Yes he apologizes and hates it he just is really messed up because of his childhood, his bipolar (which he past onto me and my sister), the military, and his ptsd... He doesn't want to hit me he just doesn't know how to control his emotions... And I'm almost 19 and I plan to move soonish but not just yet. |
|
| Back to top |
|
redrobin62
Doppelgänger
Joined: Apr 03, 2012
Age: 50
Posts: 4068
Location: Seattle, WA
|
| Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 6:01 am Post subject: |
|
|
18 years old and being hit by your father? That's why the good lord invented the razor sharp katana sword! Seriously, though, this is a damaging relationship. In a sense, I technically divorced" my family, not that I hate them, it's just that I didn't turn out like anyone else. I'm the only one who never had kids. I'm the only one who'd never been in a serious relationship. I'm the loser, if you will. I'm grateful and thankful Wrong Planet exists. This is my family now. There are lots more bad days coming your way. Try to hold on, weather those storms, keep busy with your special interests, and know "This too shall pass."
_________________
If you think he's eloquent now just wait till he's sober!
Remember, bullies aren't just in schoolyards.
His blog: http://seattlewordsmith.wordpress.com/ |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
|
|
|
