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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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 Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 6:45 am Post subject: Marriage, counselling and pre-awareness of Aspergers |
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My wife hinted perhaps 5-6 times over a period of 1 year that we should go to couples therapy/counselling. This was before I was self-diagnosed with Aspergers, and I was too afraid to go because I knew I would definitly not be marked as a good husband, and would be told I'd had to change ALOT, and FAST. Luckily I got to know about Asperger's only 1 year after she started asking me to go to counselling, and can work on our problems from that angle, which is much easier.
Have anyone else experienced this (refusing a suggestion to go get counselling like I did) ?
One of the first things I read when I started to research Aspergers and marriage, was that counselling would be counterproductive unless the counseller had experience with Aspergers. So I am glad I refused.
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Edit1:
Perhaps I should elaborate.
I am aware of Aspergers now, and we are communicating much better after just a few months. The first year I would not have had any chance of finding counselors with Aspergers experience, because I didn't know about it(hense the pre-awareness in the title). And also, we did communicate that year I described, but she wanted a third party to decide if our relationship was right or not. And I did not (depression and social anxiety might have been some strong players in that decission on my part).
We still don't have the perfect marriage of course, but we are doing alot better than 18 months ago. Lots of Asperger + Relationship books have helped, and also the very insight in knowing I have Aspergers.
I have not tried looking for counselor with Aspergers experience these last 5 months, no I have not. With so few therapists/psychriatrists/psychologists with knowledge about Aspergers, I see it as a futile endeavor to look for a marriage counselor with Asperger experience.
It does look like things are on the way towards happier days because of the books though, so I am not too worried. I just wondered if apprehension about marriage counselling is common among Aspies / pre-awareness Aspies? 
(I should also mention I didn't flat out refuse, I suggested we try talk it out ourselves first)
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Edit2:
I should also mention that my wife is bipolar, and half the time of that year I mentioned she were pregnant. It might have influenced her mood. After writing this, I realize it sounds like an excuse from my side, but I figured since you know about my psych profile, knowing hers would give you a more correct image of our situation.
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Edit3:
Perhaps I should also mention that the 6 first months of the aforementioned hinting about counselling was while she was pregnant, the last 6 was after the baby was born and we hardly slept.
_________________
AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200
Last edited by Blownmind on Fri Jul 13, 2012 3:37 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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DogsWithoutHorses
mockingbyrd
Joined: Apr 06, 2012
Posts: 1145
Location: New York
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 7:16 am Post subject: Re: Marriage, counselling and pre-awareness of Aspergers |
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Have you tried looking for a councilor with relevant experience? I imagine they'd be few and far between.
_________________
If your success is defined as being well adjusted to injustice and well adapted to indifference, then we don’t want successful leaders. We want great leaders- who are unbought, unbound, unafraid, and unintimidated to tell the truth. |
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Marcia
Phoenix
Joined: Apr 15, 2008
Posts: 1479
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 7:44 am Post subject: |
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I think that refusing to go to counselling when your wife is consistently and persistently suggesting it is more counter-productive. Clearly, your wife is unhappy in the marriage and you keep refusing to participate with her in something she feels/hopes may be helpful for you both.
What are you doing to communicate with your wife about your marriage? |
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 8:31 am Post subject: |
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I updated the first post with this info:
| Quote: | Perhaps I should elaborate.
I am aware of Aspergers now, and we are communicating much better after just a few months. The first year I would not have had any chance of finding counselors with Aspergers experience, because I didn't know about it(hense the pre-awareness in the title). And also, we did communicate that year I described, but she wanted a third party to decide if our relationship was right or not. And I did not (depression and social anxiety might have been some strong players in that decission on my part).
We still don't have the perfect marriage of course, but we are doing alot better than 18 months ago. Lots of Asperger + Relationship books have helped, and also the very insight in knowing I have Aspergers.
I have not tried looking for counselor with Aspergers experience these last 5 months, no I have not. With so few therapists/psychriatrists/psychologists with knowledge about Aspergers, I see it as a futile endeavor to look for a marriage counselor with Asperger experience.
It does look like things are on the way towards happier days because of the books though, so I am not too worried. I just wondered if apprehension about marriage counselling is common among Aspies / pre-awareness Aspies?
(I should also mention I didn't flat out refuse, I suggested we try talk it out ourselves first) |
Thanks for the advice and concern, but that was not the main point of the thread. Perhaps asking the other way is better, is there someone here who went to couples counselling before they knew they had Aspergers, and how did that work out for you?
_________________
AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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mv
Protector of the Realm
Joined: Jun 18, 2010
Posts: 3131
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 8:47 am Post subject: |
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I did, Blownmind, and it basically was the same as all therapy I had attempted before (useless). *But*, I was just married to the wrong person, so ultimately the counselling would have been useless anyway (he was lying and concealing and betraying the whole time, not exactly cornerstones for healthy communication or marriage). I ended up divorcing him; really, I should never have married in the first place (I just didn't know this because I didn't understand the limitations that AS puts on *me*).
I had pushed for the counselling because I was all out of patience trying to talk between us. It never went anywhere, but that's more because he wasn't really invested in the relationship at all (other than materially), and that's not something counselling can fix.
I wish you well, but I recommend what others have said: you need to try to see this through your wife's perspective and perhaps acquiesce to her wishes for a third-party mediator. The mere effort of you doing that will likely go a long way with her. Your stubbornness probably just looks like stalling and "I'm not really willing to fix this" recalcitrance to her.
Explain your AS to the therapist and why you think it will limit your most-effective participation. Perhaps the therapist can tailor a plan for you two. |
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 9:17 am Post subject: |
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Before I answer your questions, I should also mention that my wife is bipolar, and half the time of that year I mentioned she were pregnant. It might have influenced her mood. After writing this, I realize it sounds like an excuse from my side, but I figured since you know about my psych profile, knowing hers would give you a more correct image of our situation.
| Marcia wrote: | | I think that refusing to go to counselling when your wife is consistently and persistently suggesting it is more counter-productive. Clearly, your wife is unhappy in the marriage and you keep refusing to participate with her in something she feels/hopes may be helpful for you both. |
| mv wrote: | | I recommend what others have said: you need to try to see this through your wife's perspective and perhaps acquiesce to her wishes for a third-party mediator. The mere effort of you doing that will likely go a long way with her. Your stubbornness probably just looks like stalling and "I'm not really willing to fix this" recalcitrance to her. |
I understand. I will talk to her about it, and ask if she still wants to go to counselling now that we know about Aspergers, she has not mentioned counselling the last 5-7 months, and she seems much happier now.
| mv wrote: | I did, Blownmind, and it basically was the same as all therapy I had attempted before (useless). *But*, I was just married to the wrong person, so ultimately the counselling would have been useless anyway (he was lying and concealing and betraying the whole time, not exactly cornerstones for healthy communication or marriage). I ended up divorcing him; really, I should never have married in the first place (I just didn't know this because I didn't understand the limitations that AS puts on *me*).
I had pushed for the counselling because I was all out of patience trying to talk between us. It never went anywhere, but that's more because he wasn't really invested in the relationship at all (other than materially), and that's not something counselling can fix.
(...)
Explain your AS to the therapist and why you think it will limit your most-effective participation. Perhaps the therapist can tailor a plan for you two. |
I'm both sorry and happy for you. Glad you got out of a relationship that had no future. I will most certainly keep your advice in mind if we end up going for counselling. Thanks
_________________
AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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ozman
Snowy Owl
Joined: Jun 18, 2012
Posts: 161
Location: Australia
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 12:15 pm Post subject: Re: Marriage, counselling and pre-awareness of Aspergers |
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| Blownmind wrote: | My wife hinted perhaps 5-6 times over a period of 1 year that we should go to couples therapy/counselling. This was before I was self-diagnosed with Aspergers, and I was too afraid to go because I knew I would definitly not be marked as a good husband, and would be told I'd had to change ALOT, and FAST. Luckily I got to know about Asperger's only 1 year after she started asking me to go to counselling, and can work on our problems from that angle, which is much easier.
Have anyone else experienced this (refusing a suggestion to go get counselling like I did) ?
One of the first things I read when I started to research Aspergers and marriage, was that counselling would be counterproductive unless the counseller had experience with Aspergers. So I am glad I refused.
_____________________________
Edit1:
Perhaps I should elaborate.
I am aware of Aspergers now, and we are communicating much better after just a few months. The first year I would not have had any chance of finding counselors with Aspergers experience, because I didn't know about it(hense the pre-awareness in the title). And also, we did communicate that year I described, but she wanted a third party to decide if our relationship was right or not. And I did not (depression and social anxiety might have been some strong players in that decission on my part).
We still don't have the perfect marriage of course, but we are doing alot better than 18 months ago. Lots of Asperger + Relationship books have helped, and also the very insight in knowing I have Aspergers.
I have not tried looking for counselor with Aspergers experience these last 5 months, no I have not. With so few therapists/psychriatrists/psychologists with knowledge about Aspergers, I see it as a futile endeavor to look for a marriage counselor with Asperger experience.
It does look like things are on the way towards happier days because of the books though, so I am not too worried. I just wondered if apprehension about marriage counselling is common among Aspies / pre-awareness Aspies?
(I should also mention I didn't flat out refuse, I suggested we try talk it out ourselves first)
I refused to get counselling because i thought there was nothing wrong with me.. now I realise there is and if you follow by thread you will see that my marriage is under threat
_____________________________
Edit2:
I should also mention that my wife is bipolar, and half the time of that year I mentioned she were pregnant. It might have influenced her mood. After writing this, I realize it sounds like an excuse from my side, but I figured since you know about my psych profile, knowing hers would give you a more correct image of our situation. |
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 3:35 pm Post subject: Re: Marriage, counselling and pre-awareness of Aspergers |
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| ozman wrote: | | Blownmind wrote: | | *everything from the first post* |
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I don't really know how to interpret you quoting everything and not writing anything yourself, other than that you have experienced the EXACT same thing..?
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I also did a third edit in the original post: the 6 first months of the aforementioned hinting about counselling was while she was pregnant, the last 6 was after the baby was born and we hardly slept.
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_________________
AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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nick007
old-skewl fan-boy
Joined: May 05, 2010
Age: 30
Posts: 9738
Location: was Louisiana but moved in with my girlfreind in Vermont
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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Is your wife trying to understand & learn about your Aspergers with you? I'm very doubtful that marriage/relationship counseling could be much help with an Aspie unless they are all aware & know abit about or trying to understand the AS. The way Aspies think, communicate, show affection & lots of other things are very different than the typical NT way & if the therapist & partner don't know about the AS they won't get how hard the Aspie is trying & they could have unrealistic expectations for him/her & the relationship could look one-sided.
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For info about where I've been & what's up with me check this post~
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5105431.html&highlight=#5105431 |
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Blownmind
Phoenix
Joined: Feb 19, 2012
Age: 33
Posts: 823
Location: Norway
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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| nick007 wrote: | | Is your wife trying to understand & learn about your Aspergers with you? I'm very doubtful that marriage/relationship counseling could be much help with an Aspie unless they are all aware & know abit about or trying to understand the AS. |
She listens to my rants about my current obsession, which is Aspergers, so she do pick up some of it I would imagine. And I have bought books on the topic, some about Aspergers, some about social interaction, some about Asperger+NT marriage, and she steels them and speed reads them before I get a chance to finish them, so I can definitly say she seeks to understand it.
| nick007 wrote: | | The way Aspies think, communicate, show affection & lots of other things are very different than the typical NT way & if the therapist & partner don't know about the AS they won't get how hard the Aspie is trying & they could have unrealistic expectations for him/her & the relationship could look one-sided. |
Thats what I have thought too, now after I became aware of Aspergers and read about how cousellors unaware of Aspergers is not the way to go. Examples like "oh, he's just a stereotypical man" has been mentioned as things those counsellors say about someone with Aspergers(kind of funny that an autism theory is called "the extreme male brain"). However, I do think it would help to inform them about Aspergers to avoid unrealistic expectations, like you said.
_________________
AQ: 42/50 || SQ: 32/80 || IQ(RPM): 138 || IRI-empathytest(PT/EC/FS/PD): 10(-7)/16(-3)/19(+3)/19(+10) || Alexithymia: 148/185 || Aspie-quiz: AS 133/200, NT 56/200 |
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nick007
old-skewl fan-boy
Joined: May 05, 2010
Age: 30
Posts: 9738
Location: was Louisiana but moved in with my girlfreind in Vermont
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| Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2012 6:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Blownmind wrote: | | nick007 wrote: | | Is your wife trying to understand & learn about your Aspergers with you? I'm very doubtful that marriage/relationship counseling could be much help with an Aspie unless they are all aware & know abit about or trying to understand the AS. |
She listens to my rants about my current obsession, which is Aspergers, so she do pick up some of it I would imagine. And I have bought books on the topic, some about Aspergers, some about social interaction, some about Asperger+NT marriage, and she steels them and speed reads them before I get a chance to finish them, so I can definitly say she seeks to understand it. |
That's great. Suggest that she checks out this forum some too. Counseling might be helpful if your counselor knows/understands a little about AS but both you & your partner trying to understand it & work together is vitally important & your doing that & things are improving so counseling may not be necessary but consider the idea if she suggest it again.
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For info about where I've been & what's up with me check this post~
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp5105431.html&highlight=#5105431 |
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