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Trying to date a woman with Aspergers 1, 2, 3  Next  
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Guyperson
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 3:50 am    Post subject: Trying to date a woman with Aspergers Reply with quote

Hello everyone! I'm NT myself, and have met a great girl who told me she had aspergers. After diving in to research I actually felt relived. We've talked a ton via txt/im and have gone out a few times. When we talk we seem to get along great, but I started becoming really confused. When I would compliment her she would flat out ignore it if via txt, or just call me a flatterer. Beyond that, trying to make typical moves to hold her hand or plant that first kiss were met with an unusual aloofness I had never experienced. While I haven't brought it up directly, I did make sure I was not being too forward with her (before I knew). I'm just at a loss as to how to proceede. I can't tell if shes just not into me or if I just need to be more direct with her. Finding tips on dating women with aspergers is seemingly impossible.

Thanks in advance!
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CrazyStarlightRedux
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 4:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

People with AS tend to not know how to react in relationships.

Let her know when you are going to hug/kiss her and compliment her in a way so it doesn't sound like you are doing it randomly. She needs logic in everything you do with her.

Ask "Can I have a hug from you", or "Would it be okay if I can kiss you?"
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dyingofpoetry
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 4:54 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Make sure that you are obvious about your feelings and state them verbally whenever possible. Don't expect her to know that you enjoy being with her or that you are developing feelings; tell her in clear terms. Say things like, "I like you a lot and would like to see more of you. I think you're a fascinating person."

Then remember also that she may not express her feelings in a way that you understand, so don't feel bashful about asking outright, "Would you like to continue to see me?" or "Would you like to do something romantic Friday night, like (insert your idea)?"
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 5:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ya agreed, also she may be asexual and not know it. I am a female and am more of an autie than an aspie, but sexuality with us on the spectrum is usually an all or nothing thing (like everything else we do) and there are those of us who are very sexual, and those of us who are asexual and usually not much in between. I am asexual. If a guy planted a kiss on me without warning, it would not go well.

Also we can be touch sensitive in that touch is uncomfortable or even light touch can be physically painful to us, and we dont do unpredictability and find it unsettling rather than romantic.

You need to sit down and ask her about what is ok and what is not. Our boundries can be different than NT ladies.

Also another pointer is to communicate with her directly, not indirectly or use alot of "sayings" because she will likely not fully understand what you are saying unless you are direct. This doesn't make her stupid in any way, though. She just communicates differently.

A good book for understanding us is "Aspergirls" by Rudy Simone
There is a section in there on dating and sex. It is written in a woman to woman context but dont let that keep you from reading it as you can learn alot about your girl from this book. After reading the book, I had a sort of mini-crisis in which I realized that much of what I thought was unique about me was in fact autism. I fit her description so clearly that my personality seemed to be forged out of my diagnosis which was rather disturbing to me.

Anyway, an NT/AS relationship is possible with respect and understanding on both sides.

Ps. we dont always tell people how we feel, sometimes we are unable to understand what we are feeling, or we have trouble communicating what we feel, and other times we can be oblivious to other's need to hear what we feel. Communication is our weak point. If you need to know how she feels, jusk ask her.

hope that helps,

Jojo
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jojobean
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 5:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

by the way her saying you are a flatterer may not be a put down. Alot of times we really dont know how to respond to a compliment as we are used to getting the opposite. When I was a teen, one of my first relationships my boyfriend would compliment me, and my response was "Ohh quit T, you're making me blush" My family still teases me over that, 20 years later. It took me a long time, to just say "thank you" when someone compliments me.
Also sometimes we can be so used to being put down for our oddness that when someone compliments us it seems out of place, fake, or surreal.

It is best to tell her when I say _______, I mean it. You can tell her that "it is okay to say thank you"

Jojo
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helles
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 6:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Read here about compliments
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt201654.html
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Wolfheart
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 6:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Definitely don't take it personally or as a sign of interest, many people on the spectrum don't know how to respond but you should let her know that it is fine to accept a complement gracefully and you won't feel any less about her. Maybe she needs some time to feel comfortable and you need to show her that.
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Guyperson
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 12:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Intresting advice about the being straight with her. I decided I needed to do that before she told me because things seemed a tad off key, and I figured "what do I have to lose?". S I have been saying things like "hey, I like you" and whatnot. It's also funny that you mention Aspergirls, because I bought that last night. I will say that I'm a bit timid on being completely up front with questions like "can I kiss you". It's so counter to what I used to, that would normally turn a girl off/away. She slipped in the fact that she had it so cleverly in the middle of a conversation then neither of us mentioned it again that I'm not sure how comfertable she is talking about it, or if she would be offended that I'm here seeking advice or reading up about it.
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jojobean
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 27, 2012 1:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Guyperson wrote:
Intresting advice about the being straight with her. I decided I needed to do that before she told me because things seemed a tad off key, and I figured "what do I have to lose?". S I have been saying things like "hey, I like you" and whatnot. It's also funny that you mention Aspergirls, because I bought that last night. I will say that I'm a bit timid on being completely up front with questions like "can I kiss you". It's so counter to what I used to, that would normally turn a girl off/away. She slipped in the fact that she had it so cleverly in the middle of a conversation then neither of us mentioned it again that I'm not sure how comfertable she is talking about it, or if she would be offended that I'm here seeking advice or reading up about it.


Sometimes we slip the fact we have ASD into a conversation rather quickly, not by accident, but because we want the other person to know but have had bad experiences with telling people, so we sometimes do it in a matter of fact kinda way.

I hope you like the book, I did.
Asking her for a kiss, actually helps her prepare mentally for it, cause most aspies really dont like unpredictability, so dont worry about being too blunt. What works for NT girls, may be rather unsettling to AS girls.

Jojo
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Chronos
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 12:10 am    Post subject: Re: Trying to date a woman with Aspergers Reply with quote

Guyperson wrote:
Hello everyone! I'm NT myself, and have met a great girl who told me she had aspergers. After diving in to research I actually felt relived. We've talked a ton via txt/im and have gone out a few times. When we talk we seem to get along great, but I started becoming really confused. When I would compliment her she would flat out ignore it if via txt, or just call me a flatterer. Beyond that, trying to make typical moves to hold her hand or plant that first kiss were met with an unusual aloofness I had never experienced. While I haven't brought it up directly, I did make sure I was not being too forward with her (before I knew). I'm just at a loss as to how to proceede. I can't tell if shes just not into me or if I just need to be more direct with her. Finding tips on dating women with aspergers is seemingly impossible.

Thanks in advance!


In women without AS, "aloofness" can be a sign of shyness or disinterest. In women with AS, aloofness can be a sign of shyness or disinterest, but can also be a manifestation of AS. Women without AS tend to be emotionally complex beings who are expected to project warmth and carry most of the emotional aspects of relationships, and most of them meet these obligations. However women with AS are more likely to be more similar to males in that they might not be as emotionally complex or engaging as their neurotypical counterparts. They frequently don't know what is expected of them emotionally in relationships and it might take them quite a while to forge deep emotional connections.

If you wish to know if she's interested in you, all you need to do is ask. You will likely get an honest answer.
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Guyperson
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 3:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have found with my interactions with her and my own research that her aspie tendencies are mild compared to most to most of the common things I've come to read about, and that is confirmed by her own assertions. The hardest thing for me seems to be breaking my "normal" habits with women and being more straightforward and honest with her. That seems to be working out, though I can't seem to pull out of her if she is actually into me or not. Being NT, I'm afraid to outright ask her because that is not somethng that NTs do, but is comments infered by physical action/reaction to my natural advances (advances that seem to go unanswered physically, but when we talk via text/IM she seems to show intrest.)

I suppose I'm just gun shy when it comes to just outright asking her. I'm afraid of driving her away when all I want to do is be close to her (like snuggling on the couch over a movie and such). She has admitted that she is slow to rearrange her routine, but seems to be intrested in spending time with me. It's hard for me to wrap my head around her copious amounts of alone time and not wanting to include me int just being together in the same physical space. I not at a
pushy for things like sex or makeout sessions, we haven't even kissed yet.

I'm very appreciative of any support or advice from the community here. I feel like she is worth the wait, and just dont want to f*** things up. I think I really like her.... It's just hard for me to cope with the lack of outward show of emotion/intent from her.

I hope I'm not being insensitive to her own wants and desires. I'm just kind of at a loss or confused and not sure how I should proceede. Everything else about her feels like I've found a unicorn - the woman I've been searching for that I never though could exist.
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helles
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 5:07 am    Post subject: Re: Trying to date a woman with Aspergers Reply with quote

Chronos wrote:

In women without AS, "aloofness" can be a sign of shyness or disinterest. In women with AS, aloofness can be a sign of shyness or disinterest, but can also be a manifestation of AS. Women without AS tend to be emotionally complex beings who are expected to project warmth and carry most of the emotional aspects of relationships, and most of them meet these obligations. However women with AS are more likely to be more similar to males in that they might not be as emotionally complex or engaging as their neurotypical counterparts. They frequently don't know what is expected of them emotionally in relationships and it might take them quite a while to forge deep emotional connections.

If you wish to know if she's interested in you, all you need to do is ask. You will likely get an honest answer.


Hey, thatīs me! Thank you for explaining. I only recently found out about AS and I am still trying to find out how it works. The psykologist even told me that I have a very male form/approach compared to most women with AS. I might also be a bit "off" as I donīt fall in love (the silly initial feeling that is so often depicted in Hollywood films). I am certainly not saying that it is the case here, I am no judge at that! I do get interested in men and am capable of love (as the long lasting kind), probably even more or deeper than most NT's. I think that I need more signs of affection (well, they have to pretty obvious, otherwise I won't get it) for a long period of time before I even consider it worth to invest feelings in a person. The last thissue I have seen described several times and might be fairly normal to AS (? only other people I know with AS are my children, so it is just an assumption).

Remember we are all different. She knows about the AS so just ask, she knows best of all.
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helles
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 28, 2012 5:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

One more thing - don't lie

won't work
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 30, 2012 8:13 am    Post subject: Re: Trying to date a woman with Aspergers Reply with quote

The great thing about Aspies is that you need to communicate everything, there is nothing left to "interpretation". That had thing is that NTs are not used to do that, but rely more on body language. You have to tell her "everything": that you want to give her a kiss, that you want to hold her hand, and probably she will ask why, and you will have to explain. Try not to compliment her too much. What will work on NT women will not work on her. Try your compliments to be more honest, not the type "you are the modt beautiful woman I have ever seeing" (with usually is bulls), but "that drawing is very good" or "your comment was very cleaver" or "I cannot do that". That sound more honest. You will need to start being honest. Most people with AS dislikes lyings and hypocrisy very much.
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 02, 2012 10:27 am    Post subject: Re: Trying to date a woman with Aspergers Reply with quote

Guyperson wrote:
Hello everyone! I'm NT myself, and have met a great girl who told me she had aspergers. After diving in to research I actually felt relived. We've talked a ton via txt/im and have gone out a few times. When we talk we seem to get along great, but I started becoming really confused. When I would compliment her she would flat out ignore it if via txt, or just call me a flatterer. Beyond that, trying to make typical moves to hold her hand or plant that first kiss were met with an unusual aloofness I had never experienced. While I haven't brought it up directly, I did make sure I was not being too forward with her (before I knew). I'm just at a loss as to how to proceede. I can't tell if shes just not into me or if I just need to be more direct with her. Finding tips on dating women with aspergers is seemingly impossible.

Thanks in advance!


1) Stop using the term "moves"... in a social context, that specific word for what you are asking for assistance with has a negative connotation... Think barney from how I met your mother... moves and plays... If you wish for more intimacy as opposed to getting into her pants... you may want to adjust your thinking on that subject.

2) Explain it. "Listen. All flirting aside, I would like you to know that I find you very attractive... both emotionally and physically. I would like to move beyond this holding pattern we are in." I can guarantee, you will know one way or the other from there. It is a little pushy in aspie terms, but is also respectful enough that the choice remains hers.

3) Avoid thinking of it as aloof... Many times Aspies do not realize that we are coming across as emotionless. In the following video, at two parts I was almost in tears. I was CERTAIN that my emotions showed on my face. When I watched it... I was disturbed to see how generally flat it came out. She may have felt that she has been blatantly obvious, but not realized how little showed.




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