How can I leave home without worrying my mother too much?

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I'm getting sick of living with my parents (for one thing, it's made me an internet addict as it feels like cyberspace is the only place I can enjoy a bit of privacy).

I'm reasonably confident I could manage my own place (about the only thing I'd need to learn how to do is ironing, but surely this can't be too difficult?), but I fear my mother would worry herself to death if I moved out (it's not as if she doesn't have enough to worry about with my sister and my dad -- see this thread for more details. A 2-bedroom flat in the places I'm considering (Gateshead, Washington, or Sunderland) would cost £450 pcm to rent, which may not leave much spare out of my current £18,900 salary (given that I'm also running a car, which I would need even if I moved somewhere in walking distance of work, as I'd still have to take my mother for shopping). Spending less money on that would probably mean living in a somewhat dodgy area (which my mother would probably worry about as much as she'd worry about my finances...)

Any suggestions?

Last edited by GCarty on 28 Jul 2012, 1:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ironing is not really necessary. You can avoid it by hanging shirts on a clothes hanger immediately after taking them out of the washer. All other stuff, just fold it neatly and put it under the respective stack. The weight of the stack will do the job.

I don't think you should buy a car if it's only for the purpose you mention. Your mother could take the bus or at least contribute a fair share to the costs of your car if she feels there is no other way for her to reach the mall.

Well the ironing is something you can learn pretty quicky. Main thing besides being careful is remembering to unplug it after use. If you have a problem remembering things like that, find some way to do it that reminds you. As an example set the ironing board up by your bed so you have to put it away before sleep.

As long as you can come up with a workable budget I definately think you should make the move and will find it a broadening experience. You also have a fall-back position in case it does not work out financially, or for some other reason, which is important (ie. move back with parents temporarily)

Some ideas:

Find a single bedroom place (less rent)
Find someone to share a two-bedroom with you and split the cost. (I don't suggest moving in with stranger. Should be someone you know well & trust)

I don't like the 'Dodgey Area' option. Making the transistion will have enough challenges already without having increased personal safety or theft concerns.

...

That's what I did with my mother's blouses when my dad was in hospital (as ironing them could damage them anyway).
I already have a car which I use to get to work (and I'd like to have a car anyway). When my sister wasn't away on Monday and Thursday this week (normally she goes to No Limits Theatre -- kind of a northern equivalent of Chicken Shed), she took her and my dad to Peterlee to get some shopping (my sister has a free bus pass for herself and a carer, and my dad has a free bus pass for himself -- as long as I'm around to take her for shopping in the car she'd refuse to actually pay bus fare), but she still needed me to take her in the car today to Morrisons as well -- we have too much shopping to bring back on the bus.

Obviously, she'd have less shopping if she was only buying for 3 people instead of 4, but heavy stuff (like cans, and especially the bottled water that my sister drinks huge amounts of) would still be a problem. If I were to leave the region altogether (such that I couldn't take her for shopping) I'd probably order it online from Tesco so it could be delivered to her home.

I'd rather not burden my parents with that concern, as my parents' house is massively overloaded, and one motivation would be to ease this space problem (for example, my sister could put most of her exercise gear in what's currently my bedroom). I don't want them to have to leave space in reserve in case I boomerang back!

Having lots of stuff myself (such as about 7 bookshelves' worth of books and about 2 of videos and DVDs) is also why I'd want a 2-bedroom flat -- I don't want to get rid of any more until after the move, as it would hurt my mother's feelings to get rid of stuff she'd bought me while in her presence.

Do you know if you qualify for working tax credit?

Don't think so...

Do you need a 2 bedroom if it's just you?

What about a studio or 1 bedroom?

Damn, my paranoia really gets me in trouble!

When I came back from work this afternoon, my mother showed me a newspaper article about someone who went to the same school I did who was now running his own video games business. Although I now don't doubt that she was being entirely innocent, just bringing it up as something interesting in the local news, I immediately felt in my gut that she was thinking "why couldn't you be successful like that, instead of being in that crap job of yours?" She was really angry at the way I reacted!

If only I could get away from my parents, I'd probably be scarcely the same person within a few months, but don't episodes like this just convince my mother even more firmly that I could never manage independent living? She no doubt believe I'd exhibit similar behaviours for anyone if put in a similar position (even though in fact it's just her, because of the sense of shame I feel over how she's living).

Any ideas?

I don't think your mother is your problem. She is only an excuse. You are looking for approval of leaving. You do not need any. Just do it. Most of the people did it, you can too.
And you can visit her every day for hours if she wants.
Just do it and don't be afraid of it.

I'd still want to reassure her that I could afford to live independently though (the other night she went through what my bills would likely be, and suggests that I'd need £80/week for food, which I regard as a significant over-estimate).

I wonder if my mother doesn't want me to leave because she wouldn't be able to restrict my computer usage any more -- even though I'm convinced that if I had my own place I wouldn't want to spend so much time on the computer, as I could go out places without fear of being asked where I'm going).

£80 a week for food?! What're you eating, gold?

Although I take my mother for shopping, I was unsure how much of the grocery budget was for me. Today I wrote a list of what I eat in a typical week and went around a local Asda noting down prices -- it came to about £50.

A good deal less than £80 sure, but still more than I hoped -- when my mother went through what my bills for independent living would be, she assumed I'd be living in a council house, not renting from a private landlord (which would be about £40/week more rent). As an employed single man I know I'd be very low priority on a council house waiting list...

Living on my own for a few years before I got married was the best gift I ever gave myself. I learned a lot, and gained a lot of confidence.

I'm feeling that in my guts -- "once I'd spent a few months away from my family, I'd practically be a new man!"

I never lived on my own, but I did move out a lot. I left the first time at 17. Stayed with a guy who eventually became my first husband.

I was worried a lot about worrying my mother then. She was very overprotective, and anytime I was somewhere that she didn't know where I was, I knew she was frantic, and it pretty much ruined any good time I had. It's difficult to get over worrying so much when I know someone is worried about me. I think it may be an aspie thing because I haven't heard that from other people.

When I was 15 I ran away from home and the entire time all I could do was think about my mother worrying about me. It made me go back home. Sometimes it makes you do good things, I guess, like go back home when you have no business somewhere else.

I'd suggest setting up a check in system with her. Where you call her maybe a few times a day at first, so she knows you're ok. Then over the weeks lessen it to something you are both comfortable with.

When my oldest moved out, I was constantly worried. He was 20 and even though he had a job and went out when and where he wanted, I was used to knowing where he was at all times and having a phone number. Also, he mainly had parties and guests at our house so I felt better that way. It's very scary for a Mom. If you are gentle with her and try to accommodate her needs you'll have a better chance of it working out.

I am, and I am sure you would be to.


Every loving mother fears day his child leaves the home nest. It is normal. But some mothers just fears way too much. Especially if they have no one else to take care of. Just make sure to tell her very clearly that you do not leave forever. That you still need her very much and always will. That she will have many opportunities to help you, lots of stuff to teach you in following years.
And then leave!