Why do fathers abandon their children with disabilities?

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I heard cases where men who have children with disabilities are most likely to walk out of their lives and want nothing to do with them. It's the same thing with my dad. He left my mom and I not only 'cos he cheated, but he couldn't bare the fact that he's got a daughter with Asperger's. Now he's got three healthy sons with the woman whom he cheated on mom with, and have been together since (as far as I know). This has brought me a lasting impression for my displeasure and mistrust towards NT men. Just four years ago, he typed an email to me saying that I'm not his flesh and blood. That email left me confused and devastated, not to mention livid. Do men really believe that acting this way to their children (who didn't ask to be brought up with a disability) is fair? Has anyone had such an awful experience where your dad, husband/boyfriend wants nothing to do with you because you're not what he expected you to be/your child has a disability? How did this affected you? Have you had some kind of closure with them?

I don't think this is a gender-specific thing so much as the parent who is the least happy with the entire family dynamic is more likely to walk out on the entire situation, not just any one person. Did he and your mother get along? Did they argue a lot? Was there a conflict that they just couldn't come to an agreement on?

Some men are like that. My kids dad is like that. Hang in there, I know that must be very hurtful for you. You do have your mom and find support from others with aspergers and in the autism community. That is his fault, not yours. Its a sad situation, but be better than him and make something of yourself and make him jealous, in spite of what he did.

Have aspergers, an oldest child w/autism and my youngest is developmentally delayed (unsure on autism).

My opinion is that people who do that are selfish. I don't think it is a man vs woman thing, or an NT vs ASD thing. Some people simply cannot put someone else's needs above their own. Either that or they are insecure and shallow and care too much what other people think. Had your father not emailed you what he emailed you, I would have suggested to you that divorce is a very complicated thing and the way it looked to you as a child may not be representative of what really happened. However, the email you described makes me think he is either selfish, immature, and/or shallow.

Please try not to let this sour you against all NT men, though. I have 2 atypical kids and their dad and I have separated, but it has nothing to do with them. He is a devoted and loving father, and loves them the way they are and does not care that he has no NT children. So, all NT men are not like your father.

I do not think it is related to the fact that they have a kid with dissabilities (although I have heard of some exceptions). I think men are just walking out of their marriage. And it is pretty common that when a man walks out of a marriage it is like he left that life behind. I know a lot of similar cases, normal children, they just do not look back. The funny thing? Probably you got your AS from your father. I have not had a similar situation, but my mother and I have a terrible relationship. We do not talk to each other. I had my own closure. I cried a lot and then came to the conclusion that if she did not love me I had no obligation to feel love for her.

Though I'm not a parent, I have seen this occur time and time again. Most often, it's because they lack b*lls and are afraid of the greater amount of responsibilities associated with having a disabled child. Sometimes it is the sense of shame they may have regarding in somehow not contributing to the creation of a "normal" or "healthy" child.

Last edited by CyborgUprising on 03 Sep 2012, 12:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Some people can't handle having kids with disabilities so I guess leaving them is better than killing them or abusing them or neglecting them. So walking away from it is the best thing for them.

When people divorce, it's got nothing to do with the kids, though from what I understand kids sometimes blame themselves.

The only thing I can think of is that for your dad (who sounds like he could be very immature) wanted to leave a situation that he felt was too much for him to handle.

Has he ever said anything specifically about your AS to make you feel the way you do?

This is sexist to say that men are like this. Sure, there are some. But there are also women who do that too.

Not necessarily true as my own father left me at 6 months... hard to say if I had an ASD at that age anyway.
Most often though, when it is about fathers walking out on people with disabilities, they can't put their own needs aside and make the child their first priority.
zxy8 is somewhat right as well as the difference is that the fathers leave the mothers to it while if it was the other way around, the mothers who don't cope would put the children with disabilities into care.

Breakdown of family values. If you make it, provide for it.

But I don't think it's fair to say only AS kids get abandoned, and only males do it.

First and foremost: HUGS

You deserve so much better than a parent who abandoned you!
We love you just as you are!


Now that I got that out of the way:

In my own DD's case, the story was the exact opposite. DD's birth mother ran off with her when she was 3 months old. My DH didn't hear from the birth mother again until DD was almost five. Birth Mother called and said she couldn't take it anymore. DH drove from from Texas to Michigan and picked up DD. Birth Mother was never heard from again.

DD was then diagnosed a year later and DH raised her as a single parent for 13 years.

I met DH almost three years ago and have been Mommy ever since!

What the hell is a DD and DH?

DD=dear daughter
DH=dear husband

This has been my observation regarding an ex-friend from college. Let's just say he's an ex-friend now, as he couldn't take being around me actually caring/opposing the fact that he didn't want any involvement in his son's life.

If one keeps garbage around them long enough, it draws in the flies. That's my views on people like this. When people allow themselves to be surrounded by such individuals, it tends to send a signal to others that you must enjoy being stabbed in the back and treated like s**t. I've seen many people around me (including some friends) who have done just this and wonder why they are miserable.