ScottC
Tufted Titmouse
Joined: Aug 26, 2012
Posts: 25
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 Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 9:49 am Post subject: Conversation Responses? |
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Can anyone comment on what they say to let the other person know they're listening during a conversation?
I just keep saying 'ok..ok...ok'. and then think about what I want to say...and then the other person thinks i'm not listening....argh.
any thoughts? |
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NewDawn
Sea Gull
Joined: Sep 01, 2012
Age: 56
Posts: 234
Location: Netherlands
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:12 am Post subject: |
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Saying "OK" is OK. You can also be a little more subtle and less intrusive by saying "hmhm" from time to time or a little nod with your head.
The most important cue that makes a person feel you are listening (even when you are not really), is to look at their face often. You don't need to look them directly in the eye. Doing so too long can even be interpreted as hostility if you don't know the person very well. I usually look somewhere in the region of the eyes or mouth. Scientists have tracked the eye movements of socially skilled people during conversation and they never fix their gaze directly at the eyes for very long. |
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Australia
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 20, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 172
Location: Australia, New South Wales.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:23 am Post subject: |
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| i think the most important thing is not to worry about it so much. i just say ah yeah , ok, yep, if the person doesnt like the way you respond then thats their problem. |
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jonny23
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 28, 2012
Posts: 423
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:27 am Post subject: |
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| Australia wrote: | | i think the most important thing is not to worry about it so much. i just say ah yeah , ok, yep, if the person doesnt like the way you respond then thats their problem. |
Why is that their problem? Often people repeat the same response over and over when they are only pretending to listen so it's only natural to be interpreted that way. Using different methods of acknowledgment shows that you are actively engaged. |
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jonny23
Velociraptor
Joined: Mar 28, 2012
Posts: 423
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:37 am Post subject: |
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| Are you looking for specific examples or more of a general idea? |
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CrystalStars
Phoenix
Joined: Aug 13, 2012
Age: 18
Posts: 1901
Location: Home.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 10:47 am Post subject: |
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"uh-huh...yep...mm..huh...okay." I could go on.
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Mirror21
Phoenix
Joined: Oct 17, 2011
Age: 30
Posts: 1566
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:03 am Post subject: |
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| Australia wrote: | | i think the most important thing is not to worry about it so much. i just say ah yeah , ok, yep, if the person doesn't like the way you respond then that's their problem. |
That is usually what I do. It does not always work, especially if there is a response in particular they are looking for past surface acknowledgement of being listened to. |
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phyrehawke
Sea Gull
Joined: Jan 23, 2008
Posts: 218
Location: SoCal US
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:14 am Post subject: |
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I agree with Dawn. Even if I'm not looking directly at somebody speaking to me I will acknowledge conversation with nods and "MmHmm's" and other noises of agreement/disagreement or expressions of dismay or surprise.
I have difficulty with being talked over. Like they ask a question and then don't let me answer, or answer it for me with the incorrect answer, and don't listen. Basically they are having a conversation with themselves and sometimes I make that point by walking away until they get the point. But I wish there was a better way of getting heard. It's one of the things that has always made me want to shut down and quit speaking, since I'm not being heard anyway. Does anybody else here have suggestions to try for that conversational struggle? |
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Australia
Snowy Owl
Joined: Sep 20, 2012
Age: 28
Posts: 172
Location: Australia, New South Wales.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:51 am Post subject: |
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| Mirror21 wrote: | | Australia wrote: | | i think the most important thing is not to worry about it so much. i just say ah yeah , ok, yep, if the person doesn't like the way you respond then that's their problem. |
That is usually what I do. It does not always work, especially if there is a response in particular they are looking for past surface acknowledgement of being listened to. |
but if someone worries to much then they are bound to stuff up |
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OliveOilMom
Queen of cans and jars
Joined: Nov 12, 2011
Posts: 6783
Location: Living in Faulkner's nightmare
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:59 am Post subject: |
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Try these;
OK
Yeah
Right
Uh uh
Really
I know
Wow
Nod at times, move your head occasionally, make "mmmm" noises. Sometimes a "No he didn't!" or a "Get out!" or something is needed, but usually you can just go with the list above.
Saying the same response every time makes people think you aren't listening. You have to change it up so they'll know.
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Frances
What if Jessie's girl was Stacy's mom and her number was 867-5309? |
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Moondust
Phoenix
Joined: May 30, 2012
Age: 51
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 12:02 pm Post subject: |
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It depends on the medium. In person there's a greater variety because eyebrows, lips, hands can do a lot too to show you're following the story.
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1000Knives
It's not difficult if you know how.
Joined: Jul 09, 2011
Age: 22
Posts: 4578
Location: CT, USA
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 12:30 pm Post subject: |
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| Australia wrote: | | i think the most important thing is not to worry about it so much. i just say ah yeah , ok, yep, if the person doesnt like the way you respond then thats their problem. |
"Cool" "Yeah" "Ah..." "I see." You can also ask questions about the conversation topic to the other person, too. IE, let's say they're talking about a car. You can ask, say, "What year is it?" or something to that effect. The only thing is, the questions must be about or related to the topic at hand, you can steer the conversation with a different question, but if you go from talking about cars suddenly to like "So what do you think of candy bars?" People think you're a jackass.
In the Middle East, you're supposedly supposed to interrupt conversations because that way there people know you're actually listening to what they're saying. Sounds like the easiest social rules ever to me.
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windtreeman
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Joined: Jul 18, 2012
Age: 25
Posts: 487
Location: Seattle, Washington
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 12:38 pm Post subject: |
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Be careful with these though  To compensate for my inability to know when to talk on the phone, I started using 'aha' way too often and the only person comfortable enough to tell me to knock it off was my girlfriend at the time, ha. It's better than constantly interrupting the other person though. |
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Moondust
Phoenix
Joined: May 30, 2012
Age: 51
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 1:07 pm Post subject: |
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| 1000Knives wrote: | | In the Middle East, you're supposedly supposed to interrupt conversations because that way there people know you're actually listening to what they're saying. Sounds like the easiest social rules ever to me. |
You probably don't live in the Middle East. This kind of conversation is hell for aspies. I've almost been fired from jobs for not being able to talk during work lunch with the colleagues, precisely because everyone talks at the same time and I never find a way to get myself heard. In my current job, I lied and said it's because I wasn't raised here that I'm not able to talk during work lunch, because I was raised not to interrupt, so they don't hold it against me too much. There's a Dutch woman, and she eats always alone in her office because she can't cope with all the interrupting.
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Logicalmom
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Joined: Aug 08, 2012
Age: 46
Posts: 887
Location: Canada
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| Posted: Fri Sep 21, 2012 1:54 pm Post subject: |
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Hi:
I agree with the poster who said 'aha' too often. I have overcompensated and it has been pointed out to me  . Since there is a metrical rhythm to speech, I think of a 'waltz': one-two-three, one-two-three : hmmmmm. One-two-three, one-two-three: oh, yeah. One-two-three, one-two-three: ah. I have a great deal of trouble when the speaker shifts from general talk to more serious content or begins to cry. You then lower the tone of your voice: oohhhhh. For me, I also need to check my expression. To the tune of the Blue Danube : Blah-blah-blah-blah: oh yeah, oh yeah. http://youtu.be/VTqlLKBKFhg
I would rather dance. Yes, speakers, I am about this engaged with 'blah-blah-blah'. Then I am resentful that their blah-blah-blah is supposedly so freaking riveting and as soon as I speak, I am quickly told: yeah, I don't get that stuff. Well, I don't 'get' their stuff, either, but apparently I am to shut up and not complain about their stuff. Blah-blah-blah-blah: oh yeah,oh yeah.
LM |
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