People don´t make eyecontact with me a lot

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Hi everyone,

So there´s this thing I´ve been noticing. When I talk to people alone they have no problem making eyecontact with me (me neither). But whenever I am with a few others it´s like people always make more eyecontact with the others than with me. For example, for my bachelorthesis we have to work in a group of 7 (all girls). We have workshops together on friday where we come together (with the coordinator too) to discuss everything. And one person tells a story (just something causal and ´lightweighted´) it`s like they always look at the other people more than me. That also goes for when someone makes a joke. Even I laugh along, the joker looks at the others sitting next to me a lot more. And it`s not like I don`t show any involvement during the workshops myself. I tell stories too sometimes like everyone. I am `there` like the rest.
And this is just one example. Another one, at my study: Me and my friend are waiting for the rest of the students to come into the room. We were the only two. Then finally the next student comes in, and askes, looking more at my friend: 'dou you know if we had to prepare anything for today?' So I replied: 'yeah we had to read an article, but it wasn't very important so I htink it's okay if you didn't read it'. So then he askes, looking at my friend more than me (again) 'oh really, what did the article have to be about?'. And then she replied.
But yeah, you get the idea. So even though I take the effort to reply to his question, he still looks at her more...

And it's like it goes like that with all the people I meet when I am with other people.

Does anyone recognize this?

I think it's generally about being ignored.
But it's not their fault. People look for signs of involvement, and we don't send them, so they think we're not taking part in the discussion. It's not a conscious process, it's just natural behavior.

What do you mean by signs of involvement?

If I knew exactly, I wouldn't have the problems you mentioned.
It's about showing that you're listening, that you are interested in what people say, that you want to contribute to the discussion, etc.
Maintaining eye contact, nodding and smiling are part of that. But you have to do it in the right way and in the right moment, so it appears natural.

the eyes had it- the eyes have it

Yeah, perhaps i´m doing something wrong when it comes to that. Because I do nod, smile and definitely make eyecontact. people actually told me i make ´great eyecontact´
Perhaps there is something off when I do it

I studied body language heavily early in my career to get by, so I might can help a little.

-Usually lack of eye contact can be considered dislike, avoidance, exclusion, nervousness/lying. Maintaining eye contact usually means the opposite, acceptance, interaction, interest in general (not just in speaking, but possibly love/lust), and confidence. So the first part may be unintentional because you aren't doing the second part.

-Posture also plays a role, sprawling out in a chair shows that you are comfortable, confident, and can sometimes be seen as an act of rebellion or aggression. The opposite of sitting up straight, legs under your chair can show formality, insecurity and guarded from others. Fidgeting can show nervousness/untruthfulness, and slouching can show disinterest/boredom/extreme insecurity.

-Arms are another element, crossed arms shows you are guarding yourself, arms on your legs show you are open to talking, and occasionally showing hand movements to direct your speech is considered interaction (there are a lot of these, usually used in describing movement or size). Hand gestures such as interlocked fingers or thumbs and forefingers pressing together can be seen as a sign of suggested dominance or a "better than you" attitude, leaders in a group tend to use this, it isn't always an underlying insult. A good bit of the gestures depend on the situation, but generally have a similar meaning.

I've found these can be even more influential than facial expression in the long run, and you can practice by watching for these signals on the news and other TV shows. I still have problems integrating these and can often go completely un-noticed in a group, which is surprising for a 275 lb man.

I have this same issue and it annoys me to no end. I maintain eye contact when I talk, yet when I talk to another person and others are also there, they mostly look at others when replying to me. It makes me feel small and ignored, it makes me feel like I am not noticed enough to be part of the group. But is it because of listening? Because admittedly, when I am trying to listening half of that is me focusing on whether they are judging me or not.

For whatever reason, these people are not as comfortable talking with you as they are with other people. When they find themselves in a 1-to-1 situation with you, they are simply being polite. Also, when you're noticing their behaviours, your discomfort is likely showing in your facial expression.

No, one on one we laugh and joke and have fun. It's more than just being polite. But in groups they simply find the attention of the other person more important than mine for some reason.

Yes - I know exactly how you feel. caseyfritz. I have the same experience. Even though I am genuinely interested in what someone is saying, they prefer to address their answers to my questions to someone else. I have tried varying my eye contact and non verbal gestures etc eg less intense , more animated and so on, but it makes no difference. I wonder what we are doing wrong? It is very dispiriting to be ignored in this way.

I definitely understand this situation. I notice it both socially and professionally. I have a big circle of friends and consider myself popular and I am a manager at work. One on one, everyone makes eye contact with me yet in a group it suddenly changes. I think the most alarming situation is in the office when the MD is talking to 3 of us and I am the middle one of the 3. He makes eye contact with the 2 people either side of me but misses me out completely. I am so confused by this as I know he respects me as an employee and we have a great working relationship. Any ideas?

I've figured out that sometimes this is happening because NT people are wanting to make sure they are "bonding" best with the people they sense are the most powerful, most liked, most attractive, or whatever - so they keep looking at and doing other connecting-things with them, instead of me/us.

After one social meeting I asked a friend ( who I know likes me) why he didn't look at me during the conversation but focussed on others in the group. He was very surprised and had not realised this was happening. Despite raising this, it carried on again the same again next time we met up! ( He did say that one of the others was a very dominant personality.)
I also mentioned this problem to a counsellor friend I know and she revealed that it happened to her to! She also told the people she was with that they were not including her and they also were surprised and hadn't meant to do it. But they also carried on the same -even though she had told them!
Possibly some of us blend in more harmoniously with our surroundings ie we don't jar or make others feel they need to 'keep an eye on us' or worry about our reactions.
However, it is certainly dispiriting when it keeps happening.

Neurotypical people have an innate sense to read and reciprocate body language, I'm sure that some of them are not aware that they aren't paying attention to it. They respond to receptive body language on a stronger level, unless they are avoiding eye contact to make you feel more comfortable.

I don't usually notice when somebody is making eye contact with me. All I notice are the words being said to me and the tone of voice used by people.

Tone of voice is more important than eye contact, to me.

I don't have a strong tendency to make eye contact with people--though I don't look down, either. Sometimes, I avert my eyes and head away.