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hale_bopp
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07 Feb 2014, 3:54 am

Like talking about themselves so much?

Something other people have noticed as well.



bumble
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07 Feb 2014, 4:04 am

I don't know if I have Asperger's yet but I do know why I talk about myself...

It is the only way I can begin to try to relate to the world outside of me, via my own experiences, my own senses and my own understanding.

The world of other people often confuses me.

So if someone is talking about something they experience I will answer my relating one of my experiences to theirs and by describing my experience to them as a way of trying to connect with them. Or as a way of trying to say "I think I understand/I don't understand what you saying/experiencing...see I have/have not been through this too".

Unfortunately the world thinks I do that because I want to make the subject all about myself. However, oddly, when people ask me to talk about myself directly I feel uncomfortable. Any time someone says 'tell me about yourself' I can't think of anything at all to say and I hate it.

They have not given me a specific question to answer (it is too generalised...what do they want to know about me exaclty? I can't answer the question they have asked as I do not know what they want to know) or something to try to relate to. I am not really trying to talk about me you see, I am trying to relate to and connect to the other person via my own understanding of a situation we have both been though and comparing our experiences.



one-A-N
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07 Feb 2014, 4:11 am

If you cannot read other people, and do not mirror or echo their feelings, then it is hard to be interested in their day to day life. It just doesn't arouse much emotion in us.

But our own lives do arouse emotions in us and interest us.

So we talk about the only person we are capable of finding interesting: ourselves.

We are blocked off from the things (e.g. emotions) that would make other people as interesting as ourselves.

Anyway, that is my guess.



Sare
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07 Feb 2014, 4:18 am

I do not find that true for myself. I don't speak about myself much to others and I also don't go on about my interests. I guess you could say I choose not to speak much at all in social situations. I do find that others love to speak about themselves and if you know the right questions to ask they will go on and on and on about themselves.

It's true that if someone shares something with you and you turn the conversation towards yourself that can be considered a bit narcissistic. That is where cognitive empathy skills kick in. Instead of sharing your similar experiences (because that is not what a NT person is after) you need to pay attention to the key words the person is using and paraphrase things back at them. I know that I sometimes feel the desire to share my similar experiences with others too, to say that 'yes, I understand what you're going through', but a NT will usually take this the wrong way. Particularly if they are seeking sympathy. You see, people who are searching for sympathy aren't seeking empathy or evidence of shared experiences. No, what they want is someone to validate their 'uniqueness'. They want you to understand that their situation is 'worse' than everyone Else's. So, if you give them evidence of shared experiences they will respond badly. Personally, these sorts of people will not find any sympathy with me because I do not feel 'sorry' for people. :wink:

NTs do not get this process right either. I can tell you about a number of occasions where I have brought something up and the other person has made the conversation about themselves or they minimise the experience by saying that what you went through is nothing. And then they start sympathy-seeking by telling you how much worse their situation is. This type of behaviour is off-putting to most.


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Last edited by Sare on 07 Feb 2014, 4:42 am, edited 2 times in total.

Aspinator
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07 Feb 2014, 4:40 am

One possible explanation might be feelings of insecurity and we are trying to validate to others that we are just like them and are OK.



Verdandi
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07 Feb 2014, 4:57 am

I have no idea.

I try to curb it in some situations, at least.



pensieve
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07 Feb 2014, 6:37 am

Like Bumble said, it's the only way I can relate to people and say anything at all.

I've been criticised for it before, but that person hated me so it didn't much matter.

I can't really show much interest in what people talk about unless I can relate to it.

We're also dead honest. People probably want to talk about themselves but to do so is breaking some social rule or something.


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Ettina
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07 Feb 2014, 6:55 am

Everyone likes to talk about themselves. I don't think aspies are any different from NTs in this respect.



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07 Feb 2014, 7:00 am

I recently quit psychotherapy because I got *bored* talking about myself ...



Rigor
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07 Feb 2014, 7:42 am

I do no such thing.



ASPartOfMe
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07 Feb 2014, 10:00 am

Aspies may talk about themselves because for the first time in their life they can talk about their traits with people who will at least partially understand where they are coming from and what they are feeling.

Don't assume because people are talking about themselves that are not interested in others experiences. Aspies and people on the spectrum in general are going communicate in a very different way then the neuromajority. The style, flow and choice of words are going to be different


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Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 07 Feb 2014, 5:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ashariel
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07 Feb 2014, 10:36 am

Sare wrote:
It's true that if someone shares something with you and you turn the conversation towards yourself that can be considered a bit narcissistic. That is where cognitive empathy skills kick in. Instead of sharing your similar experiences (because that is not what a NT person is after) you need to pay attention to the key words the person is using and paraphrase things back at them. I know that I sometimes feel the desire to share my similar experiences with others too, to say that 'yes, I understand what you're going through', but a NT will usually take this the wrong way.

I've come to the same conclusion myself, and it makes trying to relate to other people pointless. I can either relate to them in a way that's meaningful to me (as described above) – or I can lie and feed them the BS they want to hear, to make them happy – but it's completely fake, so what's the point? :?



mounie
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07 Feb 2014, 10:36 am

ASPartOfMe wrote:

The style, flow and choice of words are going to be different


Thank you for the insight, ASPartOfMe, could you please elaborate , to help me understand better?



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07 Feb 2014, 1:18 pm

I was of the impression that enjoying talking about oneself was a universal human trait not unique to AS.


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coffeebean
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07 Feb 2014, 1:35 pm

StarTrekker wrote:
I was of the impression that enjoying talking about oneself was a universal human trait not unique to AS.


Yeah. Perhaps some people are more prone to doing so overwhelmingly, but it's quite common.

I really hate when people I talk to only want to talk about themselves, their problems, and their life, so I try to be cautious about how much I focus on myself. Unfortunately, I sometimes go too far in the other direction, as well.



Jezebel
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07 Feb 2014, 1:56 pm

Actually, I hate talking about myself. I'm just noticing how others love going on about themselves. Personally, I don't get it.