I became a human being this week.

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Hello,

This is my first post on this site, and also my first time putting into words my thoughts on my condition. This will be a really long post, as I have a LOT of stuff to get off my chest, and I'm writing this post as much for my own sake as for anyone else's. I urge you to read this all the same.

I'm a 27 year old male living in Norway. I have Asperger Syndrome (or high functioning autism if you like).

I have struggled with severe social anxiety and severe depression for most of my life. Growing up, I was never able to fit in with others my age. School was hell incarnate for me. I was ostracized, bullied, ridiculed, belittled and (sometimes) ignored. I rather liked being ignored, as it gave me some time to recharge my batteries and prepare for the next volley of abuse. In all fairness, I was never physically abused, nor did I ever feel physically threatened by my peers. They simply regarded me as a play-thing to alleviate their own boredom.

I had contemplated suicide more or less on a bi-weekly basis since I was 12-13 years old. I have had my ups and my downs, but I had never before experienced anything resembling happiness. As my anxiety and depression worsened, I became a misanthrope. I despised humanity. It is difficult for me to emphasize this last statement enough. Douglas Adams once wrote: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move". I was furious at the very concept of existence. I told myself that if it turned out that the universe had a creator, and I got a hold of him, I would inflict limitless suffering upon him. I would make him regret creating such a cruel universe, with such a terrible capacity for human misery. I wanted to fling the earth into the sun and watch it all burn away in cleansing fire. I usually told myself these things when in bed at night, after mentally replaying the day's disappointments. You can probably tell I was not a very happy person. The only reason I did not commit suicide was because I was too depressed and powerless to even make the attempt.

When I entered secondary school, I had an emotional breakdown. The outside world had become so terrifying that I could no longer force myself to leave the house. I started seeing a therapist, and was officially diagnosed with social anxiety and depression. My therapist used what is known as CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) in an attempt to convince me that my social anxiety was irrational and unfounded. I was told that I was a completely normal human being with some weird temporary "quirk" that only made me think I was different. I asked why my motor control was so poor. I was told it was due to a lack of physical activity (which to be fair, I did lack). I asked why my gait was so clumsy and uncoordinated. I was told that I was imagining it. I believed my therapist. I was given antidepressants and sent on my way home. After some time-out, I forced myself through another year of school.

Shortly after joining the workforce, I had another emotional breakdown. I was given a resident stay at a local psychiatric institution, and continued to receive therapy. The hospitalization gave some structure to my life, which was sorely needed, and for a short while I was feeling a little less depressed. I was discharged after a few months. I had another breakdown after a few years.

Once again, I was institutionalized. My third therapist started going through the usual rigmarole of prescribing antidepressants and telling me to stop imagining things. However, he was not quite as dismissive as my previous therapists. He listened to what I had to say. At this point, I was more or less an expert on all mental illnesses; I pretty much knew the DSM-IV like the back of my hand. I suggested that my symptoms resembled those of Asperger Syndrome. He gave me a written and oral test, and I passed with flying colors (that is to say, I filled the criteria for Asperger Syndrome). So I was officially diagnosed with Asperger syndrome.

At this point in time, very little was known about Asperger syndrome. It was simply a collection of various symptoms, with no known underlying cause. If you had the opportunity to eavesdrop on a psychologist making an Asperger diagnosis, it might have sounded something like this:

"Do you have the following symptoms: poor motor control, face blindness, poor spatial skills, poor social skills blahblahblah. You do? Great, that means you have Asperger syndrome."

"Oh, ok, that's great I guess. But doctor, what does it mean that I have Asperger syndrome?"

"Well, it means you have the following symptoms..."



Because the diagnosis was just a bunch of circular rethoric, and because there was a lot of stuff in the news media about Asperger syndrome being overdiagnosed, I rejected the diagnosis.

... Holy s**t, I've gone and written a novel. Sorry about that, I'll try to get to the point now.

I'm currently staying by myself at a hotel in a foreign city. I'm on a one week business trip, I'm writing this from my hotel room. When I arrived at the airport, I was terrified. All the people, all the sounds and other sensory impressions. I somehow made it onto the plane, and arrived at my destination. After some panicked pacing around, I found a bus that was headed to my hotel. I banged my head on the way in, and immediately felt like pond scum. I exited the bus somewhere near my hotel, and walked about 3-4 times around the hotel trying all the locked service entrances. At this point I was at the brink of a panic attack, so I was not acting rationally. I was fully aware of this while it was ongoing, but that did nothing to calm me down. Eventually, I found the main entrance. After some nervous stammering at the receptionist (my face was literally soaked with sweat at this point), I located my room, entered it and collapsed on the bed.

I broke into tears. I cried for a very long time. "Why am I such a failure? What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just get a f*****g grip and stop being such a wuss?"

I spent the next few hours in deep contemplation. I asked myself: "What does navigational problems have to do with social anxiety? What does face blindness have to do with depression? This doesn't make sense". I fired up my laptop and started googling a whole bunch of stuff. I read up on neurology, brain chemistry, right hemisphere functioning... I read a lot. I located a more recent symptom listing for Asperger syndrome, and there could be no doubt anymore. I had Asperger syndrome.

At this point, my initial reaction was: "s**t. So I'm a ret*d after all?" I googled some stuff, and located wrongplanet. I read through several threads, and found myself confused. "These people don't seem like ret*ds. These people are all highly intelligent, compassionate, altruistic, funny, genuine and lovable. These people are beautiful."

My mind was working in overgear at this point: "These people are beautiful and lovable. I'm like these people. But that would mean..."

"I'm beautiful and lovable."

Time stopped. The realization struck me like a ton of bricks. It felt like a 10,000 pound weight had been lifted from my back. The world I thoguht I knew shattered into pieces. I broke down crying. It's been two days, and I'm still crying. For the first time in 27 years, I know what happiness feels like. I know what it means to be self-content. I have a sense of dignity and self-worth. It wasn't my fault. I was born this way. And I'm so glad I was.

My social anxiety disappeared that night. My depression also disappeared. I learned more that night than I had ever learned previously:

- All human beings have an inherent self-worth. This includes me.
- No one can rob me of my dignity and self-respect, no matter what they do or say
- Anger is another kind of fear. When people get angry, they do so because they're trying desperately to take control of a situation in which they feel powerless.
- I love myself.

These past two days, I've lifted my gaze from the pavement and looked at other human beings for the first time in my life. I'm not afraid of them anymore. I'm not angry at them. I empathize with them. I love them. I want each and every one of them to feel as happy as I feel at this moment. I want to help them. All of them.

I'm no longer afraid of anything. Literally anything. My sense of self worth is no longer tied to how I perceive that other people see me. I can hold a speech in front of millions of people with conviction, without stuttering. I can parade down a crowded street naked (I won't do that, I swear). I can ask a thousand girls out and get a thousand rejections, and it will not affect my sense of self-worth in the slightest. And after getting those thousand rejections, I would still love every single one of those thousand hypothetical girls with no sense of resentment.

Because anger is a kind of fear, I can no longer be angry at anyone or anything. When people act out of malice, they do so because they are afraid. When people seek to better their own station in life at the expense of others, they do so because they are afraid. When people hurt each other, they do so because they are afraid. I can see now that most people are afraid; they display their fears plainly in their every action and gesture. I want to help them overcome their fears.

My whole personality has been turned inside out in the course of two days. I feel like I have attained nirvana. I think to myself that this is too good to be true. I now have some new concerns that I need to address (I suppose having concerns means being afraid? I don't know, this is all so new to me).

- I'm concerned that my new found confidence will intimidate others.
- I'm concerned that my change is the result of a cerebral aneurysm or a stroke.
- I'm concerned that I'm not actually happy, but simply entering a manic state.
- I'm concerned that my sudden complete lack of inhibitions will become a destructive influence on my life and on the lives of others.

I don't think any of these concerns are valid, but I take them all seriously and will follow up on each one.

Today I went hiking out in the sunlight. I looked at people. I smiled at people. Girls smiled back at me. A girl stopped dead in her tracks and just stared at me, grinning. I feel like I can do absolutely anything. Regrettably, this kind of thinking is usually a sign of mania or narcissism. But I don't feel like I'm better than other people. I don't want to be better than anyone. All I want is for others to be as happy as I am. I want to serve as an inspiration to others. I want to be a role model for those less fortunate than me. I want for you, the person reading this, to be happy.

Do these ramblings of a happy madman make you angry? Do you ball your hand into a fist of rage upon reading that another human being is happier than you are? I've been there. I was that person.

Or do you shrug your shoulders in cynical indifference at what appears to be a bunch of meaningless platitudes? Do you pity me for my childish convictions, and think I'm just naïve? Do you think happiness is the direct result of ignorance? I've been there too.

Please, talk to me. I'm starved for attention, as I've never had a meaningful connection to another human being. Yet.

Oh, and Aspie girls? I'm single, and I will not settle for a neurotypical girl.

That's quite a post!
Well, I'm happy to see your turnaround having read through that, welcome

glad you found us. that wasn't such a long post. it takes a lot of self-esteem to deal with the social difficulties of having autism. glad you found yours.

Your post actually almost made me cry! I'm very happy for you.

I felt similarly once I found out that I had Asperger Syndrome too. Some of the extreme elation will probably wear off, but I think the source of what has made you so happy will be there from now on. Enjoy every moment and keep putting yourself out in the world. People are attracted to confidence and joy.

Welcome to humanity

That was a very beautiful and meaningful read thank you. I hope one day I too will be able to break free from my misanthropy..

Hi odd2k,

That was an impressive first post. It can be an amazing revelation when you first find out about Aspergers as an adult, and suddenly everything in your whole life makes sense. I remember the huge sense of relief and euphoria. I calmed down a little bit later, when I realised I still had some issues, and having a name for them was not going to necessarily take them all away.

For me, I found that just understanding myself better was a huge help, and now if I do have some difficulties I am not so hard on myself. I have given myself permission to not be perfect at every single thing in life.

Welcome to Wrong Planet, I hope you find some answers and some friends here.

I think you've found the transcendent place that makes everything okay. I think you can keep being that happy. I found mine about four years ago, and while some days are still better than others, for the first time in my life even on the bad days I'm usually happy I was born.

Doing whatever you do with confidence can make even the weirdest autistic quirks okay. You just have to be careful about what you choose and why. Go with assuming positive intentions if you're not sure. And your quirks will mostly be accepted if they manifest from a place of trying to help. Let your inner Care Bear shine.

I think it's possible to connect somehow in situations that seem impossible if you are open to other realities and creative enough. One of the funnest things I do with confidence is dance very, very badly. I have a hard time with dancing because of my coordination. And the point of it confuses me. I don't think I would have invented dancing in my lifetime if someone hadn't introduced me to it. A friend at a club I got dragged to was dancing almost as bad as me, but it looked like he was using power tools. So now when people try to make me dance with them I mime using power tools and do funny movements rhythmically. I narrate so my friends can hear my inner story. *pushing arms out in front of me together with my hands in fists* "Mowing the lawn, mowing the lawn" *disco like movement with yoga hand postures* "Hanging the laundry, hanging the laundry." My friend joins in with this funny crossing arm movement. He says, "Revving the chainsaw, revving the chainsaw." People think I'm being sarcastic and then come up with new power tool dances. There is nothing funnier than watching a bunch of NTs mime using power tools in a club because you've convinced them this is appropriate in reality when really you're just trying to cope with being in a completely baffling environment. We're smiling and laughing for different reasons but genuinely bonding sort of, and it's fun for all of us so what's the harm?

I think we can function well for NTs as truth seers. We see so many things in so many different ways. We see things they can't. My husband is NT/ADD/Brilliant. We have such different strengths and weaknesses. He can drive and deal well with abstract things. He can translate things for me and be a reality check and social referee for me when I find myself in a complex, difficult social situation that I don't have algorithms for and am scared and confused. I'm open to possible realities he hasn't dreamed of and he has the whatever it is that makes him able to take those ideas and run with them. Next month we're moving into a trailer and traveling the world. I'm barely 30 and it's going to be such an amazing adventure. We want to do that for the rest of our lives. I honestly can't imagine wanting anything else. I have no important desires that aren't fulfilled. You will have so much happiness, too, if you just keep your mind and heart open.

I don't know what the thing or the change is still or how to explain it to people, but I've talked to other people who have the same thing.

My experience has been that it's tricky to tell people about the transcendence you're experiencing because I lot of them will take it like, "oh. good for you. must be nice." And then they will grump at you and try to bring you down. It's better to communicate it to them in a subtle way that makes them feel the love. Like when my male cat walks in front of me because he wants to lead and protect me and my girl snuggles with me and pats my face with her paw when I cry. They never say they love me or that they understand the inner workings of the universe, but we both know that's how it is. Make up your own body language to say, "I love you," like a way of being they feel, and then even the hardest people understand at least a little.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. Just now you know and you'll be able to understand your social mistakes and forgive yourself for them. And that is so freeing. And those people that you started to connect with today? I'm sure soon you'll find a way to have friends if you want them.

One thought on anger is that it can be really important. My change happened when I'd both realized that I could forgive myself for somethings because I am AS and I do really try, and that the anger I'd had my whole life was okay. People say anger destroys you, but that's a lie. Anger can be one of the most powerful agents for change. Anger is what stopped slavery and started feminism and may soon give rights to lots more still disadvantaged people. Anger is what will hopefully someday rid the world of commoners not by destroying them but by making them equals. Anger is what happens when someone perceives injustice or unkindness with a determination to do something about it.

I think there are two types of anger: anger from a place of love, and anger from a place of fear. You're right about anger as fear being useless. A lot of times that manifests as being a bully or being racist or sexist. But anger from a place of love is what happens when you get between a momma bear and her cubs. Moose mommas in our state are actually even more dangerous. Anger is what motivates those who fight for change. It is a powerful tool and it is in the interest of those who are abusive for you to believe that all anger is bad.

That being said, it's always best to assume people are mean accidentally or they don't understand something (usually they actually don't) if they're hurtful. At least until it's really clear they're doing it on purpose. It's sad but there are people in the world like that.

I'm so happy for you. I hope it doesn't sound arrogant to say, "Congratulations," but I mean it. I think I've experienced what you're talking about, and I think you will be happier for the rest of your life after this. Ride the waves of euphoria and enjoy every second of it. Everyone deserves to feel that.

P.S. Foreign cultures are one of my interests. Especially Norway for awhile when I was a kid. My one friend in school and I used to have a plan to run away to Trondheim some day. She'd actually been there and that was her favorite city that she saw. I just thought you might find that interesting since you live there.

I'm happier today than I was yesterday, if that's even possible. In fact, I'm so happy I just had myself forcefully committed to a mental asylum. I wish I was joking. I'm writing this from my uh "cell" I suppose you could call it.

Why did I do it? Because I don't trust my own mental state. I have never heard of any human being experiencing what I'm experiencing. In fact, the whole situation is so ridiculously strange that I haven't even encountered it in fiction. When did my life become a sitcom? This whole situation is tragically comical.

I'm not saying I think I'm crazy. What I'm trying to say is, that I've carefully analyzed my situation and I think there's some slight possibility that I might be having a manic episode. If that is the case, it might escalate until I become a danger unto others. Therefore, I will stay here a few days or weeks and see how things develop. Of course, I'm hoping that this is all real and that I'm not psychotic. Others will be the judge of that.

Today when I arrived outside the asylum, I walked past what I earlier would have termed a "mental case". She was a middle aged woman. She rose up from her sitting place, pointed at me and screamed "How DARE you do that thing you just did to me? Don't you know you're not allowed to do that? Why did you do it?"

I realized she sincerely believed I had wronged her, and it pained me to see her like that. So I told her I was sorry. Instantly, she calmed down and smiled at me. She thanked me for apologizing. A few minutes later, I met her again. She introduced herself, asked for my name and asked if I wanted to be her best friend for life. I told her yes I did, and I meant it,

Do things like this really happen in real life? Obviously they do, but I still can't quite belive it myself. I'm baffled by my own actions.

I'm happy, and I'm not going anywhere. The personell here are very considerate, and let me use the internet as much as I want. Please, tell me what you think of all this.

I feel obligated to keep writing, in case I should drop dead the next minute. If others can benefit from what I have learned (or think I have learned), I must not hesitate to share it.

I said earlier that I would never be afraid again. I was wrong. I've never been so terrified in my entire life. I feel like that guy Charlie from "Flowers for Algernon". To the uninitiated, I'll try to summarize the book:

Charlie is a severely mentally handicapped person. He is put through a medical trial that slowly increases his intelligence over time. At some point, his intelligence grows beyond that of his peers. Suddenly, he finds himself the most intelligent being on the planet. His entire outlook on the world is changed. The people who frightened and confused him earlier now seem like frightened children. Not even that, they seem like paper cutouts, mere shadows without agency or purpose. The people who loved him earlier are now intimidated by him, and it terrifies him.

Up to that point, this more or less describes my experience. Of course, I was never "severely mentally handicapped", I have always been quite intelligent. But not like this. All my senses are sharpened. I see through people like they are transparent. I feel like I can count all the leaves on all the trees outside in the blink of an eye. I can't do that last part, naturally, but the feeling is immense all the same.

I'm terrified. Someone, please help me.

I think you are among the sane - if only because you're aware that something strange is going on and you're getting yourself some help. It's always best to get help when you feel like you aren't acting or thinking like yourself. This might be hard to judge, but seems like you really know something is off.

It might be nothing more than an intense epiphany after having gained a life-changing insight, which will eventually wear off over time. For example, if learning about Asperger Syndrome and yourself has become a sudden special interest, you might feel manic from that. I know I've felt pretty manic about my special interests, especially when they were new. But it was never to such a degree where I was seriously worried about myself; and I haven't had the things you're describing quite to those degrees.

However, I think I can understand it a bit. I used to feel pretty ret*d and suddenly went from that to feeling like a mega-genius (but in reality it was more like my brain was running around in circles like a little hyper kid pretending to be a superhero). I've also had a new sensation that I suddenly loved all people and animals, but it was only after I fell in love with my partner and was experiencing the drug-like high of intense romantic love, which hit me pretty hard. It might have been the result of a lifetime of not having loved anyone... all those stored-up chemicals in the brain... (that's my theory anyway).

I hope you find some answers and that the professionals can give you some insight and help you feel better.

It's so cool that it is an option for you to commit yourself for a bit, and I agree with you that it's a good idea.

So far it sounds like the only impulses you have had are from a place of love. You made a friend and helped her. Maybe she needed someone to say sorry for something and you were kind enough to do that. Because there are so many people across all cultures who believe in another type of mental experience, i think there's a very strong chance your feelings are valid and not crazy. I also think one of the best indicators of sanity is being open to the possibility you might be wrong, but acting on the information you have.

I think a big benefit of committing yourself is that you'll have people to help you figure out how to help people while maintaining healthy interpersonal boundaries. That can be super tricky, and it will be nice to have some guidance so you don't have to learn as much the hard way. You're also surrounded by people who need love and friendship, and you might have a great chance to practice.

I used to love taking anti depressants but I messed up my opportunity to have them again because after a while of feeling they weren't working, I'd take more and go manic, I loved being manic, but afterwards I hated the stupid s**t I had done while "high" on antidepressants, now I'm on a selection of meds that seem to be working but it came at a cost, one gave me parkinsonian shakes as a side effect and the antipsychotics made me fatter, the gym helped alot with disciplining my brain to not think too much and although its bad, smoking and drinking occasionally helped me too. I wish I could be on a little bit of antidepressants again cos Id love to be in such good spirits as you are OP, but I know Anti Depressants can be very dangerous for me. I kinda miss being more confident of myself and self esteem that anti depressants give me but oh well.
sorry about whining

good job OP, may your life be blessed with good moments, good times and filled with good people.

Hi, okay, about the middle aged woman who's your new friend. You felt the positive energy and you went with it. That's a good thing. Now, the friendship needs to work for you, too. So, just be straightforward, matter-of-fact, and decent about your own needs. Including if and when you need alone time and space, although sometimes like getting someone off the phone who really wants to talk about something, it may take several polite attempts to create space.

It's just that friendships are much better when they're a two way street, imperfections and all. So, just please continue to be a human being.

I can relate to so much of what you have written. I am new here, and want to get to know people. I found the asperger's diagnosis to be a relief of sorts, because it explains so much of why I have had the problems, anxiety and depression all of my life. It has put things into perspective for me, but self-love and confidence are two things that I will need to continue to work on.

So, I met this girl yesterday...

I don't even know where to begin. She's the most beautiful human being I've ever met in my entire life. She has anxiety, depression, schizophrenia and epilepsy. When I first saw her, she was in the midst of an anxiety attack. She was shaking and crying, and was quickly led into her room by the staff. I started crying uncontrollably when I saw her like that, before I had even met her. I wanted so badly to do something to help her, but I didn't know what to do. So I just cried.

The next day, we talked for hours. I feel like I know her better than any other person, and that she knows me better than anyone. She did a hand reading on me, and told me that my hand showed unusually high amounts of sorrow and happiness together. We read our horoscopes. Mine said something about a bad situation finally turning around, and hers said she would fall in love that day. We talked until 01:30 am, when we were ordered to bed by the staff.

She's exactly like me in so many ways. Like myself, she has this uncanny ability to see what people are feeling/thinking. I wonder what she sees in me.

I think I love her. But I have no idea what she feels for me, and I'm terrified of saying or doing something stupid. What the hell do I do now?

Hey odd2k
As far as knowing what to do,i dont know.ive alway had these same kind of issues and its never easy but if she is like you in many ways she has a good chance of understanding where your comming from.and saying something stupid is a chance we have to make .
Im new here ,and listening to everybody here in the past 12 hours has helped aleviate some of the pressure that has been building up over the past ten years,to know im not alone in feeling like im an alien among humans,to know its not my fault,i finally see some hope.thanks everybody , i feel like im finaly reaching out to people i know and can understand:)