She didn't add me on facebook

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Hey all, I thought I bring up this problem that I've experienced before and even now. I hate it when there are people who do not accept my request, but to others they do. This isn't the first time and it surely will not be the last time that these situations happen to me. Of course, each situation is different. A little background of the situation, so she is a musician and she has performed a recital and out of good faith to support her and for entertainment, I decided to attend her student senior recital. She was nice IRL, but on facebook I think that is a different character.. After the recital I decided to add her but she hasn't accepted nor declined my request, but it is just pending.

So for the common reasons that I could think of, I tried to debunk each of them below:

Race card? No way, because a fair amount of her friends are also Asian (in fact, she went to prom with one of them, and in a summer camp posed with MANY Asian friends).

Don't know me well card? Not really, since she has over 600 people added, and I can bet you that over 600 of those are not even close to her, let alone some are people that are friends of her friends and some never even talked to her IRL... I would say I'm not close to her at all even though I have interacted and talked to her a few times in the past, but there are also a lot of people who she doesn't know well at all...

Gender card? Also no, since she has friends that are both male and female.

Awkwardness card? Well no, she is pretty awkward too at times, but just in different ways, especially when I saw her IRL so there is no way she "could" try to discriminate me like that...

(Other) Maybe she didn't see my friend request (well she accepted all the other ones even before I put my request in) or she just finds me weird or some unknown reason..

If the conclusion is that she just despise me for no good reason (personal reason/preference) or no reason at all, well then it is very sad and I have a hard time trying to process and understand why people are like this.. I would like to message her, but then it would sound desperate, awkward, and/or creepy and from past experiences I'd rather not.. I would rather be safe than sorry, of course the worst she could do is decline/block or give a nasty reply. For someone with Aspergers and social naivety, I'm totally hopeless to determine what to do or why. Please don't just use a generic response and dismiss it as facebook is just facebook and not IRL.

Okay not a generic response (but again about my friend.. sorry but 90% of my posts in the last 6 months have been related to her... For the people who are keeping track. );


My best friend is a pretty girly girl (NT) who gets loads of attention from guys. When we got to know each other (at school), I ended up adding her to facebook and initially she didn't add me either. I asked her why after a couple of days, and she said she uses facebook more like a "distance keeper" than a "connection maker" and told me she was expecting me to contact her via other chat applications. I told her my iphone 3 couldn't run them, so then she did add me on facebook and we talked on there. I had a huge discussion with her about "why are you using facebook anyway" and the day I went to get a new phone, she deleted her facebook account. I know she still activates and deactivates it a lot, if not every single day, but she has stopped using it as surrogate "distance keeper" when not having facebook in the first place has the exact same effect.


So, some girls actually add people to their facebook to keep distance rather than getting closer, and not adding you "could" be a sign of them wanting you to find another way of contacting them.

I've read your first post but had trouble deciding how much you have actually talked to this girl.

We got to know how much you actually have talked to her, i don't think you've explained this clearly enough.

She may be an acquaintance and you did mention having a convo with her IRL, but we need to know how it went and stuff like that.

Was the recital the first time you ever talked to her? Or have you talked to her earlier than this?

What did you actually say to her at the recital? Nothing? A quick 30 second compliment/small talk, or a genuine 5 minute conversation?

I want to help, I just need a little more details.

On a final note, if she doesn't actually know you THAT well, it's likely she didn't recognize/remember you from the night. A recital/performance takes a lot of rehearsal, dedication and focus, and even afterwards there's the need to relax/calm down/talk to other's. Maybe if you did only talk to her briefly, she was talking to a lot of other people and just didn't remember you?

It happens. When someone's had a busy night it's hard to remember they shortly talked to a classmate/random acquaintance as well. So don't be too upset yet, there's still hope.

@Outrider

Yes, I can provide some more details. So about the convo I had with her, well the first time I met her was over a year ago, it was during a music masterclass and I spoke to her a little bit but not a whole lot. Mostly just compliments on her piano playing. Then a year later, I saw her again for masterclass and talked to her a bit more (more than just small talk) and got to know her slightly better and she got to know me a little bit better as well. I also hung out with her in the cafeteria along with some of her friends as well. We talked about music and just various random topics along with her friends.

At her recital, it would be the 3rd time I interacted with her. In fact, I helped her set up the stage and moved the piano. I also had a smalltalk with her mother when I was in the reception area (lobby). After the recital, I complimented her and had a short convo, but nothing very long. Hope this clarifies some vague details.

I can't say that I'm close at all, but if she doesn't have problems adding non-acquaintances (some of her friends on fb are people she didn't even meet IRL ), then it would be shocking that she would be reluctant to add me (unless for some unknown reason she hates me..).

I'm a little hesitant to message her on fb, fearing it would come off as either random, awkward, or even creepy, since I don't know her that well and she isn't in the same circles as I am, the only common ground that me and her has is that we had the same teacher before, both played piano before, and I am an alumni of that conservatory, other than that, not too much more in common.

Just bumping up this topic.

I had a similar experience. I sent a request to a mutual friend. It seemed like she ignored it for a month. After that month, I saw on my friend's feed that this mutual friend's mom was in the hospital. So I sent her a message, wishing her mom well. She said appreciated the message and accepted my friend request. Perhaps, instead of saying "Please friend me". Try acting like a friend would be. Say something like, I really enjoyed your recital...etc.

That's great to see a mutual friend add you Ajvizz! I've just sent a message to her on FB and here it is:

"Hi (person name), it's (my name) a former student of (teacher's name) from years ago, and I was at your recital a week ago! You did very well and don't let that Rondo of the Beethoven Pathetique's Sonata bring you down! You'll definitely nail it the next time! "

I'm pretty sure this is something similar to what a friend would say to a person, especially encouraging them and making them feel good. Also, I don't know how she will react to it (hopefully positive), but if she decides to decline or block me or do nothing at all, well I just don't know... maybe it's my problem.

This line may or may not ruin your chances: "don't let that Rondo of the Beethoven Pathetique's Sonata bring you down! You'll definitely nail it the next time!" Depends how she takes it. For future reference, I find that it's better to say something she did good, rather than point out something that went wrong. I know you mean well but some people take things differently. BUT even if she doesn't react favorably, it's still not your fault. If she doesn't understand you, it wasn't meant to be. Good thing is people can change. So maybe try again a few weeks later.

Wish you luck

Well surprisingly, she did respond, she said:

"Thanks (my name). I'm glad you were able to come."

This is how I feel and I was expecting something else to happen, but I guess not. The only thing that I'm wondering now is why not, but yet she just recently accepted a friend request of someone that she doesn't even know well. I hate to arrive to a verdict of "it's just because she doesn't like me (some prejudice)," but from the actions, it does kinda seem like that

I know that it isn't my fault, but when I see situations like this happen many times (with different people that I try to befriend or make friends with), then there has to be something wrong on my end.

Sorry that didn't work. At least she acknowledges you exist. Just keep trying but pace yourself. Last thing you want is to look like a needy stalker (like a situation I got myself in).

BTW If it helps, I'll accept your friend request, just search for my name Alex Vizzini and look for my avatar picture.

Yeah I suppose so, I don't think she is likely to add me though, and I already felt a bit awkward when I sent the message to her. (wouldn't be surprised if she already got a creepy/desperate vibe from the whole situation.)

Furthermore, as far as adding people from here, I don't want to sound mean or rude, but I kinda wanted to keep any identifying information from FB to go on here (due to privacy concerns) and I'm still not very comfortable revealing too much. Basically, I don't want things from here to spill into Facebook.

Edit: I'm just bumping this topic to get others to respond since I would really need some more advice and suggestions on how to handle things from here. Also, she is adding a lot of others, but I don't know how to ask her without sounding too needy/desperate, or even creepy..

I'd say that you should continue the conversation rather than just leaving it as is. Continue on the subject that brought you together (musicianship) - perhaps the next thing to say would be "It was a great performance - I really enjoyed it. What made you decide to take up playing piano originally?"

If you show that you're willing to cultivate friendliness and perhaps a friendship down the road, there will be more of a chance that she will accept your request. If she does not respond, try not to take it personally and focus on others who you may be interested in a friendship with.

I think I'll just be casual with her and not try to send too many messages (which could result in her thinking that I'm desperate or maybe even creepy). I probably might not see her again unless she has a recital or event, but I'll still just keep it light and not too pushy on the convo.

Speaking of other experiences, she isn't the first one that did this to me; I had other similar social situations, but this is just one of the many that I've encountered, and I'm afraid she won't be the last person to treat me this way. Experiences like these just make me want to hide in a cave (not literally) and just avoid bettering my social life. I've had times where I just said "to hell with it" and just isolate myself from others and lead a very lonely, solitary life and I'm not even proud of it.

I've had this kind of thing happen to me twice I think.
The first time was kind of weird because I asked them in person what their fb was.
The second time I just sent a girl a random message and she never replied. That time was more understandable because:
a) I did not even try to friend them, I just sent them a random message
b) I did not ask them about face book, I just knew their first/last name, so I guess I could have been percieved as a stalker/creeper w/e.