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dahlia
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11 Apr 2014, 2:30 pm

I am new to the site and looking for compassionate insight. I suspect my husband is pretty high on the spectrum, but he isn't interested in therapy. I suppose it's just who he is and why should he change? I have suffered from depression and mood disorder from a really young age, so I understand how frustrating it is to feel like you can't help the way you are when others don't understand. The hard part for me is feeling like our relationship is one-dimensional and the social aspects. he has said some terrible and insensitive things around me and other people and it's hard to get past some of it. He seems to care about people, but when he speaks it can appear condescending or like a teacher giving a lecture. He very much seems to be living in his own world and unable to see that what he says affects others negatively. I try to talk to him about it, but he walks away and won't discuss it. I was looking for other spouses who love their significant other and maybe what has worked for them as far as improving communication. I try to understand and I know he is not a mean person. I find myself making excuses for him which I shouldn't, but in social situations I try to stand up for him in a sense. On the other hand some of the stuff he says is just so insensitive I can't believe this is the person I married. We agree to disagree quite a bit. He is very intelligent and an expert in the field he works in. He can talk endlessly about it, too. I am an empath and enjoy the company of others and the give and take in conversation and relationships. At first I was confused after being in social situations with him, but I started to realize this is something he can't help. How I didn't notice this early in our relationship? I don't know. he is such an upstanding honest person and can be very giving materially so I feel like he does care about people in his own way. Before any of this sank in about what might be going on with him, I knew we were different, but it felt like we sort of had what the other person needed. It's been about 5 years being together, married for 2 and I have become frustrated, feel like I am walking on eggshells and that he doesn't understand me and I don't understand him. It just feels like something is missing. We have disconnected and it makes me sad.



Willard
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11 Apr 2014, 3:39 pm

dahlia wrote:
it's just who he is and why should he change?


Autism is the result of a neurological disorder. If he is autistic, he has been that way since he was born and cannot significantly change what he is. There's no "brain mechanic" kit for opening up the skull and making fine adjustments.

The question is why have you only begun to notice these behaviors now? Apparently they weren't significant enough to notice before, but now they're intolerable. That's a change in your perception, rather than his personality (assuming your diagnosis of autism is correct).

If it's a genuine change in his personality and behaviors, then it's not autism. Autism isn't a late-onset disorder. It's an overabundance of sensory neural connections in the brain and that's congenital (from birth).

If it is autism, you will never be able to effectively communicate with him until you understand that the autistic brain sees the world differently than the neurotypical brain.

The autistic's experiences, throughout their life, are different 24/7 than what normal people are experiencing. That's why their behaviors and thought processes are different and seem so inappropriate to the neurotypical mind. They are seeing the entire world differently than you. What seems rational to you is completely illogical and nonsensical to them, not because they are insane, but because the issue or problem at hand looks completely different to them. They see angles of thought that you do not, and vice-versa. Not WRONG angles, just alternative perspectives.

For example, the autistic brain tends to view directness as essential for effective communication - oblique metaphors and sarcasm only create inaccuracies and confusion - so they are frequently bluntly frank and have a hard time understanding why anyone should get upset that they tell it like it is, rather than waste time dancing around the truth. It's not out of innate cruelty that they tromp on people's feelings, they genuinely don't understand why people are so sensitive about simple facts.

Because their brains are constantly overloaded with an excess of incoming sensory data, the autistic brain frequently misses or misinterprets nonverbal social signals, so they are generally unaware of what others are thinking or feeling - not indifferent to the feelings or suffering of others, just not aware of it unless told directly - and even then, completely unequipped neurologically to know what the appropriate response should be.

So try to keep in mind that the autistic world is one of eternal misunderstanding, miscommunication, baffling expectations and nonstop frustration. If his behaviors seem hard to understand for you, the entire world's behaviors seem equally as puzzling and pointless and obstructive to him.

It's very difficult to communicate with people when they can't see what you're seeing and don't understand what you're talking about when you attempt to explain it to them. It's an invisible handicap, because we carry it around in our gray matter, instead of rolling around in a wheelchair, or limping on crutches, but it's no less a real disability than a missing limb.



Feralucce
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12 Apr 2014, 3:41 am

I actually have a series on my blog that may help you... it is a practical guide to living with an Aspie in your life...
Care and Feeding of Your Aspie... You can find it HERE


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ConcreteDinosaur
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12 Apr 2014, 5:45 am

Hi Dahlia. I agree with what Willard wrote about autism but wanted to add a few of my thoughts. Of course autism is a spectrum, and the degree to which a person can reflect on their actions or take others 'feelings' into consideration is to some extent determined by where they sit on the spectrum. This raises the question can people on the spectrum be accountable for bad behaviour, being rude, indifferent, seemingly uncaring, or disinterested? Obviously people on the spectrum are still people, and people are capable of all those traits, the question is, is his behaviour solely because of autism? The answer I think is not a simple one, or always possible to determine. Generally all people can be rude or indifferent, not always just out of spite or cruelty but due to a series of experiences that have hurt them in some way which has resulted in a kind of stone wall defence, sometimes with added barb wire for good measure.
My point being that having autism can be a very painful psychological experience, which results in frustration and 'negative' expression, or for want of better words, rude or hostile (sometimes passively) social interaction and expression. I really want to underline though that problem or differences in the way people on the autistic spectrum may communicate and see the world are hard wired from birth and are truly not changeable, I am just trying to make the point that like all people, people on the spectrum are not just simply robotic in their communication if they are on the spectrum, completely devoid of the subtle emotional pains, and the resultant effects that influence behaviour. It is after all a spectrum, so rules and understanding that govern NT's, and not just NT's, but humans beings in general do not all simply not apply just because someone is on the spectrum, but the profoundly different way people on the spectrum see the world MUST be taken into account or their intentions and actions will be very misunderstood.
One other thing, you write: "I was looking for other spouses who love their significant other and maybe what has worked for them as far as improving communication".
I think what you define as communication is an important question. I believe that honesty is an important part of communication, so the way your husband 'naturally' communicates is an important part of who he is, and how you can relate to him. His methods of communicating especially in public may come across as being embarrassing and not acceptable, but remember the place they come from, if you want communication, then you want him, not an acceptable or socially approved act that won't embarrass or seem 'impolite'
I don't think it's always a hopeless case, I am on the spectrum, and can appear rude, awkward, aloof, and inconsiderate to people's feelings. I know this, and it will always be so. I have however learnt to appreciate other peoples thoughts and how they may react, and how my actions can affect people. I think I have learnt things and learnt signs and why people feel the way they do, because humans are fragile things, even humans who appear to be very emotionless and logical. People on the spectrum can learn a little, I have, and I am very human under what can seem like an aloof and logical self. I just have a particular way of experiencing the world (though I have my own personality) and this effects every aspect of how I experience life.



daydreamer84
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12 Apr 2014, 11:38 am

Welcome to WP. :D



AnonymousAnonymous
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12 Apr 2014, 2:01 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet!


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