That feeling urging you to run away

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Fern
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15 Apr 2014, 5:49 pm

I get this feeling in most relationships I've been in. The guy will be perfectly nice. I really enjoy being with him... and when he says words of commitment, all I can think is "RUN WOMAN, RUN!" I know this is vague, but bear with me. I am starting to see a trend. I especially feel this way when the guy I'm with is being very verbally or physically affectionate. Saying lots of "I love you," or PDA freak me out.

I used to think that was just how I was, that maybe I either have to suffer through this feeling or agree to just not be in relationships anymore. Out of the 10 or so people I've dated in my life, only one guy I've been with felt different, made me want to get closer, not farther away.... Now that person is gone though, and I'm back to feeling exactly the same way I did before as I'm dating again.

I have to wonder if there is something wrong with me.
Have any of you ever felt the same?



Hopper
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15 Apr 2014, 7:43 pm

I think I've experienced what you're talking about. It could, obviously, be a thing about commitment. Or a thing about believing them. Or about feeling worthy of such attention. Or an emotional intensity you're not yet ready for.

The obvious question to me is, what was the difference with the one you were ok with? And what are the similarities/differences with the others - who made the first move, how long before this feeling set in, who initiated the break up.

Put me in mind of this:

Ballade at 35 - Dorothy Parker

This, no song of an ingénue,
This, no ballad of innocence;
This, the rhyme of a lady who
Followed ever her natural bents.
This, a solo of sapience,
This, a chantey of sophistry,
This, the sum of experiments,—
I loved them until they loved me.

Decked in garments of sable hue,
Daubed with ashes of myriad Lents,
Wearing shower bouquets of rue,
Walk I ever in penitence.
Oft I roam, as my heart repents,
Through God’s acre of memory,
Marking stones, in my reverence,
“I loved them until they loved me.”

Pictures pass me in long review, —
Marching columns of dead events.
I was tender, and, often, true;
Ever a prey to coincidence.
Always knew I the consequence;
Always saw what the end would be.
We’re as Nature has made us — hence
I loved them until they loved me.

L’ENVOI

Princes, never I’d give offense,
Won’t you think of me tenderly?
Here’s my strength and my weakness, gents, —
I loved them until they loved me.


_________________
Of course, it's probably quite a bit more complicated than that.

You know sometimes, between the dames and the horses, I don't even know why I put my hat on.


Fern
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20 Apr 2014, 5:44 pm

Thanks for the song Hopper. :) I went and looked it up on youtube and listened to it for a while. It's a lovely song.

Hopper wrote:
I think I've experienced what you're talking about. It could, obviously, be a thing about commitment. Or a thing about believing them. Or about feeling worthy of such attention. Or an emotional intensity you're not yet ready for.

The obvious question to me is, what was the difference with the one you were ok with? And what are the similarities/differences with the others - who made the first move, how long before this feeling set in, who initiated the break up.


I wish I knew the answer to this. I can't find a single thing that really makes sense in comparing my partners.

Honestly, the guy I'm seeing now logically seems like the better person for me. He is more affectionate. He respects all of my requests for time apart or time together. He likes all of my special interests. These were all things that the last guy I dated didn't really do very well.... but I had just grown to love my last boyfriend so much. All of the little imperfections my ex had were things that I had grown to love. His absentmindedness became endearing to me, his struggles I thought of as noble quests. Like pretty much every relationship I've been in my ex asked me out and I wasn't really into him at first. I just fell so deep in love with him after three years. I didn't realize until the end that he was telling me lies. He just wanted a near-by girlfriend to bide his time until he moved back home. When he told me he wanted to break up, I asked him directly if there was another woman and he said yes... that he was choosing her.

Fast forward to now and I feel the same way with my new boyfriend that I did with every other guy I was with before my last ex. I feel, comparatively, nothing. I can't tell if I should stay in or not because I feel so ambivalent. In the past I just broke up with someone when I felt this way, but I don't know if maybe I should just wait and see if I can grow to love him as much as I had my ex.

I'm not sure if it's a difference in them or if it's an issue inside of me. I feel like I made a decision last time around. I put all of my chips in.

It never seems to work out when I show too much interest in a guy. It's weird. If I ask him out, he runs away (yes, every single time). I know this is stupid, but sometimes is seems like if I even show too much interest in a relationship I'm already in guys will get bored and go somewhere else.

I get so tired of dating games.



ReverieMe
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23 Apr 2014, 8:39 am

Fern wrote:
I wish I knew the answer to this. I can't find a single thing that really makes sense in comparing my partners.

Honestly, the guy I'm seeing now logically seems like the better person for me. He is more affectionate. He respects all of my requests for time apart or time together. He likes all of my special interests. These were all things that the last guy I dated didn't really do very well.... but I had just grown to love my last boyfriend so much. All of the little imperfections my ex had were things that I had grown to love. His absentmindedness became endearing to me, his struggles I thought of as noble quests. Like pretty much every relationship I've been in my ex asked me out and I wasn't really into him at first. I just fell so deep in love with him after three years. I didn't realize until the end that he was telling me lies. He just wanted a near-by girlfriend to bide his time until he moved back home. When he told me he wanted to break up, I asked him directly if there was another woman and he said yes... that he was choosing her.

Fast forward to now and I feel the same way with my new boyfriend that I did with every other guy I was with before my last ex. I feel, comparatively, nothing. I can't tell if I should stay in or not because I feel so ambivalent. In the past I just broke up with someone when I felt this way, but I don't know if maybe I should just wait and see if I can grow to love him as much as I had my ex.

I'm not sure if it's a difference in them or if it's an issue inside of me. I feel like I made a decision last time around. I put all of my chips in.

It never seems to work out when I show too much interest in a guy. It's weird. If I ask him out, he runs away (yes, every single time). I know this is stupid, but sometimes is seems like if I even show too much interest in a relationship I'm already in guys will get bored and go somewhere else.

I get so tired of dating games.


Maybe it has to do with closeness and trust? Affection and personal space are required to some degree or other for a relationship to work, but they're more for maintaining one than becoming close in the first place. Knowing someone's flaws and struggles is much more intimate.

Things like phone calls, hugs, and so forth have never helped me to trust in a relationship, and I've often been nervous as things start to intensify because I don't feel as though most people seek out the level of familiarity I do as early as I do. It seems like more of an afterthought once they're already having sex or in love.