NTs wanting to fix you

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I am currently in a relationship with an NT male. I told him that I believe I have Aspergers and he just tells me that he thinks I'm perfect and that there's nothing wrong with me. I have tried to tell him some things and he just says, "Oh, I get like that sometimes." But he doesn't realize that I am like ME all the time.

I had a traumatic experience over a year ago that I still end up thinking about and having breakdowns over. When I call him and am crying and try to share my thoughts with him he gets all sad and says that he feels like he can't "fix" me and that if he can't "fix" me maybe we aren't "soul mates". I don't know how to feel about this. Mostly I feel like...I can't share my thoughts with him and alert him to how I am feeling because I am afraid that he will think that I think he is inadequate or something because I haven't changed and he can't "fix" me. I don't really like being thought of as something that needs to be fixed because even though life is more complicated for me, I would not rather be someone else. I don't want to be fixed. I am a natural reaction to this s**t world and people need to take a look around and people need to just shut up and listen for once. But it's like, everything has to have a band-aid put on it! Or called "wrong"!

"You still think you have it?"

So, what? Should I not talk about it? Or should I express everything and then if he goes away, he goes away? Even though I have been alone for so long and I can actually be myself around him. Other than when I have breakdowns.....cause that makes him sad. I have kept my pain secret for so long, I just want to scream.

I can't help wondering if when he sees that you are unhappy he wants to fix whatever it is that makes you unhappy and he doesn't neccessarily mean that he want to fix you. Maybe he means he wants to fix the situation and make you feel better.

The problem is women tend to want to be listened to. I am feeling like x so let me tell you all about it. But the man thinks, "she has come to me to talk about x. That means that she wants me to fix it for her."

I know that is a broad generalization, but it seems to be a common communication issue in relationships. I think that you need to talk to him about it. Tell him that you just need a listening ear from time to time.

When you visit someone in the hospital, after they had a major surgery or severe illness, you can't heal them. You can just support them while time slowly heals the wound. Some of our mental distress and illness is like that, and anyone can get it, NT or AS.

Other things are tied to our autism and might be improved in time, but also might be lifelong tendencies.

If you could openly discuss the two different types with him. That there are things likely to get better in time, and some you don't know. But that in both cases it is not his responsibility to fix things, nor can he really. But he can be supportive and that is all that is needed.

I am thinking the best approach being to lay out the options as realistically as possible, and then its up to him to decide if this is something he can or wishes to do.

Hurtloam is right about the communication issues. Men are "Mr Fix it" in relationships when their lady comes to them to talk about what's bothering them. The lady on the other hand often wants the guy to talk about what's bothering him and he would rather deal with it on his own to "prove" his competence.

You're coming up against a number of things all at once. Your NT boyfriend doesn't have an idea of what you're thinking or, more importantly, HOW you're thinking. This is because the NT thought processes are different to those of an aspie. Keep talking to him and eventually he'll realise what's going on.

As for him thinking that you're perfect, nothing wrong with that, I think that my girlfriend is perfect as well despite her little faults

Ask him how can he expect himself or anyone else to be able to fix perfection? & post his response here because I'm curious. Then try explaining how your not perfect but that he does help you because you can be yourself with him more than anyone else & give other reasons you can think of. Then try explaining that he could help you better if he would try researching Aspergers alittle & accepting that you have it while at the same time trying to help you deal with things.

Last edited by nick007 on 21 Apr 2014, 12:57 am, edited 1 time in total.

This.
But remember, not everyone is cut out for it. It's could be very stressful for some people to just listen to someone's emotional outburst.
I'm more like men; when someone comes to talk to me about their problem I'd assume they want a practical solution to it. If I can't offer any, I'd be frustrated and if it keeps happening over and over it would make me very unhappy.
I know he is your boyfriend, but he does have his limitations too. NTs are not perfect either.


I also think this is the best approach.

I don't think I can be fixed Im damaged beyond repair mentally and have too many issues with my past along with me being hyper and immature. Im a waste of DNA tbh.

When it was first suggested that I may have Aspergers last year, I told my NT partner. She has been able to recognise problems with me from the start of our relationship. And as I learnt more about Aspergers I would say to her "Maybe some of the difficulties we have are because I could have Aspergers" and she'd brush it off. I don't think she believed I could have it, or chose not to believe.

I say this because through our relationship we've had arguments, split up numerous times, we've both say we'll make changes. I change for a day, then slip back into what's normal for me. Then it's back to square one. But she always wanted to change the things wrong about me. She always tries to show her point of view, and that I'm the one that needs to make the change.

If I said it's possibly down to Aspergers she'd say no it's not.

But, when I had the diagnosis confirmed professionally this week it hit her hard. Because she knows that she can't change me. And I can't change myself. I can learn to understand and deal with things differently, but it'll never change who I am.

The first thing she said to me after I was diagnosed was "We'll work together on this so you can change the things you do". I said "But I can't change that's the problem here". She said "Not even for me?". I had to explain that the mental difficulties I have, can not be cured or fixed, and it's likely we'll struggle all our lives in this relationship, BUT we can make it work if we understand each other better, and if she understands about Aspergers.

I'd really like for her to speak to an NT who has lived with an Aspie, but I don't find many around to put her in touch, and we don't have any support groups.

She now knows she can't change me. And this week we've had the worst week of our relationship. But we're still together, and still working things over.

This is a universal problem, not just NT to ASD but also NT to NT, ASD to NT, etc., that is: people choosing the wrong people to be with, or staying with the wrong people thinking they'll change. And, people often go into a relationship w/subconscious expectations that only bubble up down the road. So people should be careful who they choose to be with. Make sure the person makes you feel good about yourself in their presence today, because if they don't then they probably never will. When it comes to accepting your AS, it's not like he really has a choice.

Yeah, I think it's natural to want to fix things. Even my ex boyfriend would say we would just work things out but it didn't turn out that way. That is because things can't always be worked out. If one isn't willing to change or work on something, then it can't be fixed. I think it is good to try and work things out but if the partner isn't willing to do it, time for a break up. But I wouldn't say if it doesn't happen, you're leaving because then your partner might see it as a threat than what would happen if they didn't do something about it and that it was bothering their partner deeply. That could be why my first ex boyfriend was so hurt when I broke up with him when before he acted all cool about it like he wouldn't care. Maybe he thought I was just threatening him when really I was just telling him like I mean it and he didn't think I was serious because there are women out there that do threaten to break up with you if you don't change and he could have thought I was doing that and then when I actually did it, he realized I was serious so there he was calling himself a screw up. He did say he wasn't going to change and I gave him chances and tried talking to him about it and he never budged and then him missing my birthday was the last straw so I broke up with him realizing I didn't really matter to him. So him calling himself a screw up made no sense and then he contradicted it calling them faults and saying everyone has them. To me calling what he did as faults is like someone with anger issues calling it their human fault so I thought it was all BS and didn't buy it. He was a confusing guy also and would say one thing and do another. Now I realize he was just saying it to get me off his back but it backfired because I always took him literal and that was him telling me if I ever need the internet, just let him know and he will hook it up for me to my computer. Well when I would do that, he wouldn't do it and he would slack off and complain when I would kick him off because he was always online and we could only have one computer connected to online and he was on it all the time and never got off (except to go poo or pee or eat or sleep) playing his online game.

It seems even other aspies want to fix me im not some damn wind up toy!

i dont think i can be fixed.

Last edited by AspieOtaku on 21 Apr 2014, 5:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

I think it's a standard, worthwhile warning to be wary of anyone who wants to fix you. EmeraldGreen is right that it's something that crops up all over the place, and it rarely ends well.

Someone who wants to fix others usually mostly needs fixing themselves. The relationship becomes not about the other person, but about their (perceived) problems, and that all would be fine if it wasn't for them. So they set to 'fixing' the other person, which usually means a lot of blame and a lot of resentment, like the 'problem' person is a broken toy, rather than a human.

That just sounds cruel to me, and pretty narcissistic. In the midst of your being upset, he puts that s**t on you - not right. If he actually wanted to 'fix' you, he'd shut up and let you talk and be supportive, and he would never say something like that, which is obviously going to make an upset person insecure. The message is: when you are upset, it makes me think we're not right for each other.

It seems to me he doesn't want to 'fix' you, in the sense of doing what he can to help you heal and feel better and to be supportive and take your worries seriously, all the while understanding there's often no such 'fix, but rather helping the person to bear their troubles until it might feel a little lighter. It's more 'fix' as in the focus is on him making you 'better' and just what he wants, so he can feel good about himself and have you be grateful to him.

If he can't accept you might have Aspergers, then no, he's no 'soul mate'.

OMG YES. QUOTED FOR THE TRUTH.

What's the difference between trying to "fix" your partner & trying to be supportive of them? My girlfriend has depression along with anxiety problems in addition to Aspergers. The depression & anxiety have been major problems for half her life & she never tried getting treatment or seeing docs or psychs for it till after we moved in together. I do my very best to be supportive of her; I listen to her, I try to reassure her & do what I can to help her feel better. But depression & anxiety are also chemical things in the brain which have various treatments available. I've also encouraged her to seek professional treatment & I encourage her to stay on meds & I try to help offer ideas when they aren't working. I do accept that she has those things but I also want to help her deal with them better because I love her. Trying to to help her find the rite treatment for depression & anxiety might could be looked at as trying to fix her but I'm NOT doing it because it causes problems for me our our relationship but rather because she's happier when those things aren't acting up & she feels like they really limit her & hold her back with life. If this is being supportive instead of fixing her perhaps the OPs boyfriend is trying to be supportive of her too & using the word Fix when the word Help might be better used. It is very easy to feel discouraged when you cant help your partner when their upset & struggling but part of helping them is also listening to them & realizing that there is only so much that you can realistically do for them; basically you have to be the strong one in a way when your partner cant but maybe he hasn't realized that or isn't able to.