Do I Really Want Friends?

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"Do I Really Want Friends?"

It is difficult to answer this question fully.

I have one friend and she is also my ex-Girlfriend. Many years have passed since any romance existed between us. We are best friends. She is like family.

But I have no other friends. No one else.

I live alone with two computers and two cats.

I have to finally admit, loneliness is setting in and setting in strongly.

But, my gut instinct as an Aspie tells me I have no use for friends nor even care a thing about the concept. (This does not go for having a Girlfriend, a mate-- That's completely different) I've had many romantic relationships in my life and in fact was married 10-Years ago.

But, I find myself alone and at times hating it. It's very confusing.

Matthew

If you don't need friends for emotional support, then I'd say you're still missing out on many of life's experiences that would require a group of people to be enjoyable, particularly people you enjoy spending time with.

If you have had bad friends in the past or none at all, then you won't know what it's like to have a good one. Having a real best friend that actually cares about you is amazing.

_________________
Unapologetically, Norny.
-chronically drunk

I want friends but find having them is very hard work.

I think I have friends now, but I am never really confident that they are actually friends and not just colleagues or acquaintances. I can intellectually review the facts and the evidence suggests that they really are friends, but I don't feel it and have no confidence in it.

I am always happy when I feel I have managed to be social with them without doing something off--and we all left on good terms and with good memories. That part of having friends seems immeasurably valuable. I'm pretty sure my immune system works better when I have periodic friendly contact with people.

On the other hand, sometimes it's all too much--exhausting. I can't work as well because of fatigue from the weekend. Sensory issues get worse. Executive functioning drops. It's sometimes too high a price to pay for an evening out. So my friends have to understand that I can't always keep up and it doesn't mean I don't like them or value the things they do. Sometimes that works.

Thank you both for your replies.

What you both say makes sense to me in many ways.

When I was in my 20's, I had many "friends", but it turns out, it seems, although they were decent people, they were more akin to party friends (Smoking pot, etc). We they real friends? Not sure.

But now I feel almost pathetic. Let me please explain: Even if I truly wanted friends I would not know how to go about getting them. How do you do it? Join clubs of interest? Try to be "more social"?

When I go around NYC at times I get exhausted by the sensory overload (Although at times I do enjoy New York). This past Winter I was dating a Woman for a few months from NYC; It went extremely well. But, we only spent time inside at each other's homes cooking, drinking wine, and watching movies. We never went out. This was fine with me.

She openly declared to me that she did not like people. Also, she had BPD. We were happy to just stay in the house, together. We discussed that she may have Aspergers and she believed she perhaps did and was going to order an evaluation from her Psychiatrist.

I think what I truly desire most is a Girlfriend. I feel like that is all I need.

The never-ending social pressures of friendships? I am not sure if I'm up for it.

But, I do feel quite lonely recently.

Matthew

I know what you mean about only truly desiring a girlfriend (though I am bi-sexual so it's not limited to girls), as that is how I felt for most of my life - I just wanted one perfect relationship.

The social-pressures in friendships are stressful for me too. I've personally never had 'no friends' (there are exceptions), but up until 2012 the friends I had were always more like acquaintances in that they all liked each other more and I never did anything with them; I was never really part of a group and never had a true friend (third wheel I guess you could say). Most of the friends/acquaintances I had were only maintained by myself with extreme effort in adjusting my personality. I was basically faking it the whole time just to not be an outcast.

In 2012 I made 3 friends (one is barely my friend though, the other is nice, and the last has autism) and they are very much like me and are just as social as I am. I'm not going to give a massive personal anecdote about this though, as all I really want to say is that I don't know how to make friends either, I sort of just got really lucky. Before I had these 3 friends as friends I thought I was fine without them too, but now I couldn't go back to being alone.

_________________
Unapologetically, Norny.
-chronically drunk