Okay, help me figure this one out.

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I won't explain too much because I'll end up explaining -everything- but if someone is genuinely interested in hearing specific/all of it because they believe it would make their answer more accurate, please ask.

So I'll just start somewhere and hope it doesn't sound too confusing:


My friend has a boyfriend, but soon after we started to become better friends, she started to flirt with some random guy we'd see around school and at first it was a funny joke of her putting on makeup when he was around and us sitting down at the table next to him and talking about him and stuff like that, but after a couple of months it turned into a game of her looking for his attention to a point where I'd get mad at her for going "beyond the flirting limit for someone already in a relationship" and I'd walk away mad/stop replying/say she's stupid and her then running after me and apologizing, and promising to break contact with him, I would then say I just want her to be careful and a "good" person who stays within "boundaries" and next time we'd see him we'd both laugh at each other and the game started again.

In the couple of weeks before two weeks ago I "got mad" about three times and the evening before she flew home to her country she ended up "really really really for real this time" promising she would stop contacting him.

So, two weeks ago our vacation started and she went back to her country for 4 weeks and a couple of days after she left she started hinting to me that she was talking to him again.

Note; she constantly said she had no idea what was going on and why she was doing this to herself, her boyfriend, that guy, and me.

Last week I spend an evening really thinking about and came to the conclusion she was projecting her feelings towards me onto the guy and we spend an evening talking about it.
(I understand her situation is really weird; in a nutshell, she is stuck with her boyfriend because there's no option of her moving out and living alone in the Netherlands to continue the study, so it would mean she has to stop and go back.) I explained I thought she had fallen in love with me shortly after she was "forced" to move in with her (new) boyfriend and was afraid to lose me as a friend and possible "more" if she showed it towards me at this point and stage of her and my life. I told her I too started to feel there's something special going on between us but explained her I'm a romantic and open minded person and understand the difficulty and stupidity of the entire situation and that I wouldn't press the issue any more till both our lives were ready to handle it. I explained my entire reasoning to her, and although she never confirmed it with words, I thought I must have been right because there was a lot of winking and smiling and kisses coming my way.

And for a week everything was going great between us. But of course I did start thinking about my own feelings and made a little comment here and there.

Now we come to the part that's confusing me... (I'll be mostly paraphrasing from chat, because this went by text and not skype voice/video)

Yesterday evening she started talking to me and said she talked with her aunt (one of her best friends) about "the guy" but that her aunt had said that her and I would end up together from how she talked about me. She said she needed to talk to me about it more. So I say okay and let her talk, and she says she has never had a friend like me, but that she only spend 10 minutes thinking about "more" and decided there was nothing there, but that she really hopes I will remain her friend.
So I'm a little shocked, because after our talk the week before I thought I figured it out and spend a week thinking about her being in love with me and how we were going to solve this till "the situation" gets figured out. I say I never had a friend like her either and really do want to stay her friend, I tell her thanks for being honest, because we both knew I had been thinking about my feelings for her too and if she really only spend 10 minutes thinking about "more" then it's clearly very easy and nothing we should think about.

I did felt offended and stupid at this point and lashed out by saying "as just her friend then" that she should stop talking and thinking about that other guy or break up with her boyfriend if her feelings aren't projection but real.
Rather than agreeing she asks why and asks what I would do if she started dating that guy. I say I have no idea any more because I'm clearly stupid for having wrong ideas but probably wouldn't be able to handle seeing them together. I ask her if her telling me there's no chance between us is her testing me if I'm willing to fight for her. And she starts saying she never said never and doesn't know what'll happen in the future but that -for now- there's no chance but that she never said never. She says I shouldn't be sad and I say I'm mainly just feeling incredibly stupid for thinking I figured her out and thinking she was falling in love with me and letting that affect me own feelings towards her.
Now she starts saying I'm not stupid and that it is her fault and that she can't think. I tell her to follow her heart, she says she can't and has to follow her brain. I say I fully support her but that I got confused thinking her heart was with me and her brain with her boyfriend. She says she's sorry and starts calling off plans we made together because she/we needs time to think because she/we doesn't know what to do. I tell her we will just stay friends and keep doing what we've been doing. She capital letter replies she wants to stay friends and that she would die without me. I say she shouldn't start cancelling stuff we made as friends. She says okay and asks if I want to start jogging with her once she comes back. We start talking "normally" about random stuff and about 10 minutes later she says she's very happy and dancing and singing around her room.

We talk for a bit and after an hour I ask her how she's feeling, and she starts talking about the guy and how she thinks she's in love with him and we're back doing the same thing as a couple weeks ago of her saying she doesn't know why, me saying she needs to figure it out and follow her heart and her then saying she probably won't and just needs freedom.

Today everything was pretty much back to normal again.


What happened here?

Anyone?

I'm not looking for a perfect "this is it" answer, just theorycrafting.


I'm confused about why she ended up telling me, a week later, that she has no feelings and more importantly said she never really gave it much thought. (I know that's complete BS).

In my mind the conversation with her aunt could have broadly gone something like this:
her: *talking about me (and the guy)*
aunt: "sounds like you've got feelings for your friend"
her: "I don't know, maybe/probably, we talked about it last week but I've got a boyfriend I can't leave right now anyway"
aunt: "Well, then it's not fair to string your friend along and you have to keep your distance and give him the freedom to make his own choices"

Or it could have gone:
her: *talking about me (and the guy)*
aunt: "sounds like you've got feelings for your friend"
her: "I thought so, and we talked about it last week, but after thinking shortly I came to the conclusion there's nothing there (right now) except friendship, but I do really like the other guy"
aunt: "Well, then you need to be clear to your friend so he doesn't expect anything from you (right now)".

And then there's the mix of the two:
her: *talking about me (and the guy)*
aunt: "sounds like you've got feelings for your friend"
her: "I don't know, I'm really confused about my feelings, I've got a boyfriend I can't leave and I'm flirting with that other guy but last week my friend and I had a conversation and that made me think as well"
aunt: "Well, your friend will stay your friend if he's really your friend, but till you figure out your own feelings for those other guys you can't also string your friend along".


I get she "released me from thinking about "more than friends"", but why? I hope someone will recognize a certain pattern or keyphrase in my original post, I was quite extensive.

My main concern is our friendship, and her having the ability to explore her life the best way to become as happy as possible and we can normally talk about everything and I'd just ask her and I'm sure we will in the future, but I don't want to make it any more difficult for her at this point and I'm just completely confused and stuck right now.

I don't know if I should feel sad or happy, and for me or for her and to what extent.

OK maybe not what you want to hear but my interpretation is she just likes the attention she gets from you. I don't think she has released you really as she's sending mixed messages and saying 'who knows what will happen in the future'. I don't think she's really acting like a friend. If she wanted to be with you she would (her having a boyfriend clearly isn't stopping her flirting with another guy behind his back). If she doesn't want to be with you she should say that clearly and be a good friend to you without leaving you hanging on what might happen in X years time. I don't think that's really fair.
Of course I could be way off the mark. Is there anyone you could get an honest perspective from who knows you both?

Thanks for the reply.

I know she likes attention, but I reasoned it to come from her being a(n non-identical) twin and "back home" being known as the "sister of". My friend is really cute and pretty, but her twin sister is much more of a "model" (taller/slimmer) and acts the part of "daddies pretty girl" in the family.

Sadly there's no one who knows us both individually and together, but everyone at school and the teachers think we're a couple, or should be.

The thing is, we -are- together all the time, at school, after school, we hug, hold hands, we even go shopping for intimate feminine hygiene products, we get dinner, go to the zoo, visit cities...

...

...

Oh s**t, I'm the heterosexual gay friend who started showing his heterosexuality.

Too much drama from one girl. You need a woman. How I see it is its all a game to her and she uses people. Red flags everywhere, you should move on. This is coming from an NT standpoint as I am an NT. My hubby is an Aspie.

That might be why but are you happy to just be there to boost her ego while she goes after other guys?

I am.. or at least I was up until this happened.

It's one thing she's an "all round flirty girl", it would be another thing is she was a "confused flirty girl", but it's a whole other thing if she's a "cheaty flirty girl". I hope the difference I mean between those three comes across properly.


I'm thinking I may tried saving myself from having to think she's a "cheater" by over analysing the situation and coming to the conclusion she must just have been confused about placing her feelings for "the guy she hangs out with every day" (which would still be weird, but at least then I could feel.. sorry(?) and think it's sweet somewhere).

Now I just feel used as some kind of "attention boyfriend".

If being around this woman consistantly hurts you emotionally, then you should not have anything to do with her.

It's difficult to paint a complete picture when of course the whole point behind making a thread in the first place is because there's some deeply rooted frustration, anxiety, mistrust, etc, etc, that spans my entire life and not just about this friendship that needs to be vented.

We've got a really good friendship I think, and my problems with sometimes understanding what is going on and getting hurt from that myself, doesn't mean -she's- hurting me consistently. And to be fair, without her I wouldn't be happier but sadder.



I feel bad for making her sound bad because she really is a decent and nice girl with lots of depth and I know she really is trying to be my friend the right way.

If she was decent girl, she wouldn't treat you like crap. You are blind to her ways and are going to end up getting hurt the longer you are with her. You are not her boyfriend, you are being used.

You obviously like her a lot and naturally want to see the best in her but if you remove the emotion what would you say to a friend in your situation? Or imagine you are her and she is you. Would you behave in almost every way like someone is your girlfriend when you know they like you but stop short of actually going out with them? All while you live with another girl and are chasing a third?
If you have fun and you can hang out as friends then I think that's the way to go but I think you need to try and accept that anything more is unlikely and the chance of her committing to just you (or any 1 person) even less so. If you're are a nice person and love someone you're in a vulnerable position. Make sure she is considering your feelings as much as you clearly consider hers and just be careful.