Freaked out to be here but unusually optimistic

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This is my first post here. I've just joined. Freaked out at the explanation finally dawning on me and somewhat relieved to discover there is a reason behind me being how "me" is. I've spent decades feeling strange and odd yet accepted, really my whole cognisant life. Never really believing that acceptance as it only came from some family, other odd friends and those obliged to accept me professionally. I normally find typing my thoughts somewhat easy but they're never usually about how I am feeling about me. This is only day 2 for me since finding AS and myself as a fit. Still very much reeling, yet every action and word out of my mouth since the discovery has been confirmation and held new meaning.

I somewhat know who & how I am, but to find there could be an explanation behind me feeling I am useless, unreasonably fearful, wound tight like a spring, obsessive over details not many people notice, ridiculously phobic of social situations, unable to understand how NT people exist and actually manage everything I struggle with and am very all or nothing with any habits, pursuits and often my opinions, is such a huge revelation.

I've had dx's over the years and had unsuccessful dalliances with meds and counselling. I think (and its probably common) that having traumatic life events can somewhat distort ones rationale on who they are and the accompanying struggles. I've often tried "sanely" reasoning with myself that due to some traumatic life events, how I was / am, was to be expected and all down to those. But I've found myself endlessly questioning scenarios of people in similar situations who after some time, therapy, soul searching etc, got on with things and even triumphed. I have never had any success being one of those people and issues of social and general anxiety preclude me from "just getting on with it"

I want to wrap up because I'm feeling really stressed that I've rambled enough gibberish and just putting myself out there on a forum is really high anxiety inducing stuff. I probably have come across as a ball of knotted twine in the "too hard" basket, but IRL when I'm me being me (just not thinking about how that stacks up) I've got a pretty decent / dark sense of humour and am looking forward to learning more about AS and people here. Thanks for reading and be damned if I could find a *waving hi* emoticon

Welcome to WP, where we can't rant and rave and admit our insecurities its all met with support and understanding. Don't worry about your long post; many of us, at one time or another, will produce one that could be rolled into a scroll. Was is hard to diagnose you at your age? I hear AS is harder to diagnose in adults, and certainly sounds as least partly true in your case as it appears you have endured a lot of "trial and error" with your evaluations, meds, and so forth. Looking forward to hearing more from you!

Thank you Aharon for the welcome! I put myself in the "self diagnosed" AS catergory but in response to your question, yes, it is hard stumbling across this at my age. I may have come across as older than I am in my post saying "decades", yet it is 20+ years of internal chaos & confusion, I am in my 30's. I can relate all my AS traits back as early as I can recall but I guess in my teens and having left home at a young age, that's when it all really magnified.

I've only ever sought professional help/ dx's / meds very sporadically usually due to in my earlier years- parental intervention and as an adult, hitting rock bottom. I don't like seeing any docs in part due to social anxiety but mainly due to trying my best to not acknowledge that I have any NT deficits ruling my world. I could in my younger years tolerate the questions and dx's but in maturing have spent the last 6+ years thinking that how I felt and act is "just me".

I won't rant on but just wanted to thank anyone in advance for their welcomes and I look forward to being part of this community of like minded people.

Welcome to Wrong PLanet!! You will love it here!

Welcome
I too was aprehensive at first,it got easier with time.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP.

I also had various diagnoses through the years. But I kept searching for something else, more of a reason for why I felt as I did. I felt validated when I found autism, and I finally accepted that I simply am who I am.

Nonetheless, at first it seemed so big, so inescapable. But the weight of the diagnosis has lessened for me, even just over the course of a month or two, and I'm back to more or less being myself. I don't know about all of that triumph stuff. Every day is something of a struggle, but it helps to not still be searching for what's "wrong" with me.

I'm also still in that phase of reanalyzing my entire life and metaphysically observing my words and actions as I move through each day and perceive the world and interact with people. It's fascinating...