autism meltdown justified or not? interruption AKA help

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My husband has a way of constantly interrupting me. By this I mean that if I am cooking, I told him I would cook, as soon as I step away from the stove he barges in and takes over, puts other stuff in the food, etc. I flip out! To me this is incredibly rude, he says "he's just trying to help". WTH? Is it me?

Other times, I am watching TV or reading or something and HE decides HE is going to bed therefore, everyone should go to bed…so he starts shutting off lights, closing doors to our balcony, etc. (where I go smoke while I am awake), etc…

Of course, every single time I flip out and he gives me the line of "he's just trying to help". I think he is trying to drive me insane and he is being impolite. Is this an autistic thing with me or am I right that he is impolite? Would this send you off the deep edge as well?

It's not an autistic thing. That IS rude behavior. Period. And it's him, not you.

I've known people like that--they need to control everything in the guise of "helping" and "organizing", like they're the only ones in the world who are "capable" of taking charge, and everyone should just listen to them without question.

Next time he interferes with cooking, say something like "Fine, go ahead, but you'd better not complain that you 'do everything around here', since it's obviously your decision to do so."

Next time he starts shutting off lights, wait until he goes to bed and just turn them back on and do what you feel like. If he looks at you "expectantly", say "I'm not tired just yet, thanks, but you go ahead." Don't let him push you around.

RE.the answer above.
just because its rude like behavior doesnt mean it isnt part of autism,this is a typical example of autistic rigid thinking & routine, lack of theory of mind, plus the self involvement that led to autisms name in the first place.

am not sure what to suggest though,sorry whatamess.

ugh…thanks for the comments…sorry I didn't explain well…what I want to know if it is part of autism is me FLIPPING OUT lol I'm the AS one…hmmm

I think anyone might flip out in that situation. I know it would irritate the tar out of me and if it was all day every day I would be very angry. I have a feeling that most people would be if they are on the Spectrum or not.

right,sorry for not understanding.
this is out of the assumption that he is definitely not on the spectrum, but it sounds like he is a control freak and he is taking advantage of a softer more introverted nature.

i think someone with autism is probably a lot more effected by those kinds of intrusions, and react much more strongly to them.

I have this happen to me all the time when i'm trying to do something, and someone buts in interferes and it totally messes me up and i get very upset - and then i get the "you don't have to get so angry, i was just trying to help" routine. You want to help? It would be very helpful if you leave me the **** alone when i'm doing something. If i need help i'll ask for it.

But of course you're always the bad guy if you get annoyed at someone butting in and messing you up. But yes, your reaction is justified. And he sounds like a manipulator and control freak playing psyche games.

Last edited by EzraS on 01 May 2014, 8:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Ever heard of Passive Aggressive?
A classic symptom is screwing things up and claiming to be trying to help.
Getting in your way while cooking, changing the flavors, shutting off lights and locking a door you clearly use ARE "screwing things up," which is why it frustrates you.

I am not sure why he is doing those things, but yes it would annoy the hell out of anyone. It may be unintentional on his part, and be part of his attempting to control things (Autistics can be very controlling of environments if you let them) and he doesn't realize how annoying/inappropriate it is. Or he might be playing some game, being resentful or whatever. But your flipping out alone does not seem to be changing his behavior. So it looks like something you are going to have to hash out and get to the bottom of. Ask him why, in detail he does the various things, and explain how it makes you feel, Be insistant that he must make some accommodations and be willing to make some on your part if the discussion turns up valid grievence on his part.

Yes, he has clearly let this control nut thing become a habit.

Now, as far as a constructive response, see if something like this feels promising. Pick the one topic, whether meals or the balcony door, which is most important to you and when it seems like a halfway decent time, just talk about it briefly and matter-of-factly. Assume the sale. Be confident that he will agree with your request of how you wish to be treated. And then in the next day or two, look for another area where you can sincerely compliment him or sincerely ask for his input. And please don't think of this as meeting him part way. Rather, think of this as two different kinds of positives.

Honestly I don't think his behavior shows very much use of Theory of Mind either.
What good is it to "have" it if you don't want to be bothered to use it?

But yes, I agree that autism doesn't make such interruption easier.

And in fact: Who is to help whom here? Is it really the husband who truly helps her (apparently not), or is it really her who is supposed to help him by accepting his behaviour even if she doesn't like it, so he can stay in the illusion of helping and feel like a good person?

That kind of thought I have met before: when people "want the best", don't criticize them even though it isn't any help what they do. More or less.