What do people mean when they say...

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When someone tells you he/she had a bad day?

What if someone tells his/her relative died a long time ago?

What if someone asks if you get along with your parents and then says his/her own family is a mess?

There are many other examples, too, but these are the ones that stick out in my mind the most.

Are these statements just statements of fact wrapped in a boundary (if that makes sense)? Or are they hints/invitations for you to move closer in the relationship and ask questions?

If I have missed hints, I assume that I have come across as not caring. But I do care. So what should I do?

Out of those examples, the only one I'd feel comfortable asking about is having a bad day. Because sometimes it's good to just talk it over with someone if you're having a hard time. But yeah, the others seem rather personal and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking about them.

I feel those things were personal, too. So, I didn't ask. But I am bewildered why people would say such things. And these comments come from more than one person. So, what's the deal? Why mention these things at all?

Confused...

I'll have a go at suggesting some reasons/answers, as a couple of these I've been the person saying them for one reason or another:

When someone tells you he/she had a bad day?
Reason they say it:
Can sometimes be just idle chit chat (Boy I've had a bad day! Whew-ie!) just to be saying something, as they plan to just transition into putting it behind them.
OR -- can indeed be an invitation to talk about it; it's okay to say "Oh dear, that sucks/that's a pity, what happened?/Care to elaborate?"

What if someone tells his/her relative died a long time ago?
Can be simply giving information in response to a topic raised, for example, when someone has asked me if I get to go home and visit my parents much, well, my parents died 25 years ago so I reply, "Oh my parents passed away quite a while ago, so..." just to explain why there are no visits home. It's simply information, like "Did you try those peanut butter sandwiches?" "I didn't, no, but only because I have a nut allergy."

In response to the dead relative thing, you can simply say a kind of polite stock answer like "Oh I see, sorry to hear that."
You don't really have to ask for further details; it's still polite and perfectly acceptable just to acknowledge the info with the standard "Sorry to hear that."

What if someone asks if you get along with your parents and then says his/her own family is a mess?
Could be a hope for a discussion/advice/help and an invitation to talk about it because they need to talk. If you don't want to get drawn into that, again a polite stock answer could be "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Families can be complicated." Then change the subject. If they repeat what they said or go into further detail, that can be a cue that they are in fact looking for input and help, so then if you don't mind letting the person talk and taking a stab at helping, maybe ask what the problem seems to be.

In all of these, it's okay just to make a polite "Oh sorry to hear that" and then change the subject unless they go more into detail.

BirdInFlight,

Thanks for giving some suggestions on what to say. Those responses seem to allow people to elaborate further if they want to, but easily transition to something new if they don't.

Unfortunately, I just stood there blank in all cases.

Okay since my social skills are good I shall answer these. It all depends on context though.

When someone tells you he/she had a bad day?
Say, like, "yeah? how so?". Often they want to talk about it, sometimes not, but NOT asking a follow-up question to something like that is in most situations kind of weird and rude.

What if someone tells his/her relative died a long time ago?
You say, "that sucks" and sound sympathetic. If they dont change the subject or turn away from you a little but after you stated that it sucks, you should ask if they were close to that person or how they died or something like that.

What if someone asks if you get along with your parents and then says his/her own family is a mess?
If they ask you that first it almost always mean they want to talk to you about it, maybe very little or maybe a lot. The first question is their way of opening the subject of family issues. If you take away the first question, you cant be cure that they want to talk about it. You ask "how do you mean/in what way?". If the person answers you with only a few words and kind of shrug it off after that, you just say something like "that stuff is hard/sorry to hear that, must be tough...".
If DONT shrug it off and start talking about their family life, and this is one of my strengths so pay attention , they are venting to you.
1. Dont try to cheer them up first thing you do. Big no no.
2. Validate them. Meaning... "I get why thats hard" or "sounds awful" or whatever. well you know what validate means.
3. Only offer possible solutions if you feel you had a great idea about it, otherwise not necessary.
4. Dont change the subject until they do. Its rude, if someone is talking about something bad in their life.

I feel like I basically blew it in these situations because I kind of froze. I definitely went into, "I don't know what to say/do right now" and in a mini-panic, my mind went blank and I came up with nothing.

I do care about these people, but I feel like I didn't communicate that. It's not something that I feel would be appropriate to revisit with them. Is this just "oh, well, better try next time", or is there something more I need to say/do to show that I really do care.

All these conversations happened at least a month ago, some much longer.

Glad I joined WP!

Nerdygirl, don't be too hard on yourself for freezing and not responding -- I freeze like that all the time, even though I should know better by now! It IS hard, quite often, to find a quick response to something you weren't necessarily expecting to hear, and many on the spectrum experience this kind of "brain lag" or slow processing time.

Don't worry too much; I find it helps to prepare little "scripts" consisting of those stock answers I mentioned, and you can practice in front of the mirror, saying "Oh dear, sorry to hear that!" and a little sympathetic smile, etc.

Don't beat yourself up too much, even though I know it's hard not to dwell on moments like this -- I dwell on things too. But lots of people freeze into silence sometimes, even people who aren't on the spectrum.

.

I've done the same thing. When my wife was flooded out of her car, she called me, and I froze for a couple of minutes, not saying anything. I was merely trying to think of a rational way to reassure my wife. This was a very traumatic thing for my wife; she might have drowned in that car!

After that couple of minutes, I got hold of myself--and I, for the most part, did the right thing.

Actually, this happens to me rather frequently.

OP: I like what the other posters said. The fact that you have insight into it is great. I think you're well on your way to social success--you just have to "fine tune" your social awareness, that's all.

I think you've got some great advice here.

OK, here's another one:

You ask someone if maybe they want to do something. It is spontaneous. The other person has plans and can't do it. They say "Thanks for asking." Does this mean they genuinely thought it was a good idea and would have been enjoyable, or is it just a politeness? It is not something I would have necessarily expected to reschedule since it was a bit of a spontaneous idea...

If all they say is that they can't do it, but thanks for asking, they're probably just being polite. (They may not even really have other plans!)

If they really are disappointed that they can't do it, they will most likely express their disappointment more emphatically, and will either suggest a different (specific) time to do it, making plans then and there, or they will be the one who proposes it next time.

I know this person had other plans. Also, would it make a difference whether this was said by an NT or someone on the spectrum. Not positive about where this person would be.

I am just paranoid because I read another thread about how NTs use conversation in different ways.
And with a few people in my life, I'm not sure what they are intending with their words. I'm so afraid of misreading and doing something really foolish. Some of this is by email, too, which adds another dimension. These same people I do not see on a regular basis enough to know for sure if they are not leading me on. I am friendly with them, and I don't *think* they have reason to not be completely truthful, but I have been very wrong in the past.

I believe they appreciate the fact that you asked them. Even if they didn't, they know they should appreciate it.

I would take it as a positive. I don't think it's superfluous NT stuff.