Asking Someone Out (when they might be in a relationship)

Page 1 of 2 [ 18 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

AstroGeek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,582

29 Jul 2014, 7:35 pm

I'm posting here because I could use some advice about how to proceed. Just so it's clear, I'm a gay man.

This summer I've been working in my university physics department as an undergraduate research assistant. A few months ago I met another guy in the department (who we'll call D), who I'd seen around before but didn't know much about. A small group of us from the department often go out for drinks and sometimes dinner on Fridays and I'd gotten to speak with him some then. I quickly developed a massive thing for him and was very excited to learn that he was gay too. I was a little wary about the age-gap between us (he's 6 years older than me and working as a postdoc, whereas I'm just entering the fourth and final year of my undergrad) but decided that I was still interested in pursuing something since I really liked him and it's rare for me to meet other gay guys, especially in the sciences. Anyway, a few days later I found out from a mutual friend that D was already in a relationship (a long-distance one with a grad student at a university about 1600km away)--or at least had been as of February that year. I was pretty confident, based on some Facebook activity, that these two were still together, so I was pretty depressed. Unfortunately, my attraction did not diminish.

Anyway, it's a few months on. The attraction is definitely still there. I have some reason to think that this relationship may be over. Keep in mind that this is, at best, circumstantial evidence and may be largely wishful thinking on my part. I'm considering whether I should ask D out to coffee or something similarly casual. Does this sound like a bad idea? I mean, even if he has broken up with his boyfriend, he might not be ready to date again yet in any case. But, even if he is still in a relationship, I'd like to get to know D better just as a friend since he seems like a really great, interesting guy. The problem is, how do I talk to him? He shares an office with another postdoc, so I can't talk with him one-on-one there (in any case, it would be rude to walk in on him while he's working for any extended length of time). We're always in a group on Fridays. Due to the flexible hours of research, he and I both tend to leave work for the day at unpredictable times.

Even when I see him in the hall, I tend to get a bit tongue-tied. I try to smile at him but I get so nervous that I think it comes out more as a grimace. I don't know if I'd have the courage to ask him out in person. I could send him a message over Facebook, but that seems a little weird, especially since we haven't spoken much in real life. I'm not even sure if he realizes that I'm gay too. He might also think of me as too much of a kid (as I say, I'm six years younger). Anyway, sorry for rambling on for so long. What are people's thoughts on the best course of action?



Last edited by AstroGeek on 29 Jul 2014, 8:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.

wowiexist
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Nov 2013
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 659
Location: Dallas, TX

29 Jul 2014, 8:43 pm

Maybe try something like what are you doing this weekend. If he is taken he may say something like I am going out with my boyfriend. If you ask that a few times and he never mentions a boyfriend he is probably single.



AstroGeek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,582

29 Jul 2014, 8:49 pm

wowiexist wrote:
Maybe try something like what are you doing this weekend. If he is taken he may say something like I am going out with my boyfriend. If you ask that a few times and he never mentions a boyfriend he is probably single.

It is (was?) a long-distance relationship though.



Protector88
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

Joined: 23 Jul 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 232
Location: Wales

29 Jul 2014, 9:10 pm

I would just go for it (easy for me to say). You have nothing to lose. Maybe if he still has a boyfriend he will think of you in the future when things go wrong or if he gets tired of his boyfriend.

Don't message him over facebook. I think he will find that weird and that could ruin everything.

Good luck man! Hope he likes you. The age difference doesn't matter, most gay people have an age difference because they do not meet a lot of gay people so when they do, they don't care.



Tim_Tex
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jul 2004
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 45,472
Location: Houston, Texas

30 Jul 2014, 1:25 pm

Pursuing someone in a relationship isn't something I would advise.


_________________
Who’s better at math than a robot? They’re made of math!

Now proficient in ChatGPT!


AstroGeek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,582

30 Jul 2014, 1:43 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:
Pursuing someone in a relationship isn't something I would advise.

Well yes, obviously. But I'm not sure if he is in a relationship. And even if he his, I'd still like to get the chance to get to know him better as a friend outside of a work setting.



ypi
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2013
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: UK

30 Jul 2014, 2:42 pm

AstroGeek wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
Pursuing someone in a relationship isn't something I would advise.

Well yes, obviously. But I'm not sure if he is in a relationship. And even if he his, I'd still like to get the chance to get to know him better as a friend outside of a work setting.


If it were me, I'd honestly be making that excuse because I wanted him. It might not be your case, just saying in case it helps you to be honest as well, hahaha.
Gay aspie here as well. Did he change his Facebook status or removed the photos/activity with the bf? Maybe you could invite him in person on Friday for a coffee? If you talk a lot in real life FB may seem strange, but if you really want but can't talk... A coffee sounds a lot more casual and friendly than like going to a party.



AstroGeek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,582

30 Jul 2014, 3:34 pm

ypi wrote:
AstroGeek wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
Pursuing someone in a relationship isn't something I would advise.

Well yes, obviously. But I'm not sure if he is in a relationship. And even if he his, I'd still like to get the chance to get to know him better as a friend outside of a work setting.


If it were me, I'd honestly be making that excuse because I wanted him. It might not be your case, just saying in case it helps you to be honest as well, hahaha.
Gay aspie here as well. Did he change his Facebook status or removed the photos/activity with the bf? Maybe you could invite him in person on Friday for a coffee? If you talk a lot in real life FB may seem strange, but if you really want but can't talk... A coffee sounds a lot more casual and friendly than like going to a party.

Well, I'm not entirely sure how to respond to the first part of your comment. Yes, I can't deny that I'm interested in him. As a result I want to spend time with him and get to know him better. On the few occasions we have talked I've enjoyed it, even after I realized he was taken. So I would like to hang out with him even if it wasn't going to lead to a relationship. I guess that could be considered an excuse, but it doesn't make my desire to get to know him any less real.

To be honest, the level of "evidence" that I have is pretty flimsy and is likely more wishful thinking. D's profile never showed a relationship status. Basically, his boyfriend had, for quite some time, been liking and/or commenting on everything D posted on Facebook. Then, about a month ago, he totally stopped. And that's basically it. (There was one post, in particular, about his progress on publishing papers which was definitely like-worthy--and, indeed, a lot of other people did like it. I was tempted to like it myself, but decided I didn't know D well enough). But it could be that the boyfriend simply hasn't been on Facebook in that time--I think he's been busy finishing his PhD and preparing to move for his first postdoc position, after all. (Yeah, I've spent way too much time over-analyzing this :oops: ) I've caught D looking at me a few times, maybe like he was checking me out, but I'm useless when it comes to trying to tell what could be behind that sort of look. Plus, even if he was attracted to me, that certainly wouldn't guarantee that he's single. There are a few other things which make a breakup plausible, but no real evidence.

I guess at the end of the day I just figure that I don't want to miss out if he is single. Ideally I could ask him to do something which could be interpreted as just being friendly, but maybe leave open the possibility that it's more. Asking him out for drinks would be good, except that I don't drink (if friends are drinking then I'm fine with hanging out with them, as I do on Fridays, but it would be weird with just the two of us). The problem with asking him on Friday is that it's not a large group and I'm not likely to get an opportunity to ask him alone.



Jono
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 10 Jul 2008
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,603
Location: Johannesburg, South Africa

31 Jul 2014, 4:27 am

AstroGeek wrote:
ypi wrote:
AstroGeek wrote:
Tim_Tex wrote:
Pursuing someone in a relationship isn't something I would advise.

Well yes, obviously. But I'm not sure if he is in a relationship. And even if he his, I'd still like to get the chance to get to know him better as a friend outside of a work setting.


If it were me, I'd honestly be making that excuse because I wanted him. It might not be your case, just saying in case it helps you to be honest as well, hahaha.
Gay aspie here as well. Did he change his Facebook status or removed the photos/activity with the bf? Maybe you could invite him in person on Friday for a coffee? If you talk a lot in real life FB may seem strange, but if you really want but can't talk... A coffee sounds a lot more casual and friendly than like going to a party.

Well, I'm not entirely sure how to respond to the first part of your comment. Yes, I can't deny that I'm interested in him. As a result I want to spend time with him and get to know him better. On the few occasions we have talked I've enjoyed it, even after I realized he was taken. So I would like to hang out with him even if it wasn't going to lead to a relationship. I guess that could be considered an excuse, but it doesn't make my desire to get to know him any less real.

To be honest, the level of "evidence" that I have is pretty flimsy and is likely more wishful thinking. D's profile never showed a relationship status. Basically, his boyfriend had, for quite some time, been liking and/or commenting on everything D posted on Facebook. Then, about a month ago, he totally stopped. And that's basically it. (There was one post, in particular, about his progress on publishing papers which was definitely like-worthy--and, indeed, a lot of other people did like it. I was tempted to like it myself, but decided I didn't know D well enough). But it could be that the boyfriend simply hasn't been on Facebook in that time--I think he's been busy finishing his PhD and preparing to move for his first postdoc position, after all. (Yeah, I've spent way too much time over-analyzing this :oops: ) I've caught D looking at me a few times, maybe like he was checking me out, but I'm useless when it comes to trying to tell what could be behind that sort of look. Plus, even if he was attracted to me, that certainly wouldn't guarantee that he's single. There are a few other things which make a breakup plausible, but no real evidence.

I guess at the end of the day I just figure that I don't want to miss out if he is single. Ideally I could ask him to do something which could be interpreted as just being friendly, but maybe leave open the possibility that it's more. Asking him out for drinks would be good, except that I don't drink (if friends are drinking then I'm fine with hanging out with them, as I do on Fridays, but it would be weird with just the two of us). The problem with asking him on Friday is that it's not a large group and I'm not likely to get an opportunity to ask him alone.


I'm straight, but I've done that with some women I've been interested in. What you can do is ask him if you could meet for friendly chat, no strings attached.That way if he's in a relationship, then you can say that you just want to chat and get to know him as friend without necessarily wanting to have a relationship with him.



AstroGeek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,582

31 Jul 2014, 11:05 am

Well, I got up the courage to ask him (after going to do it twice and backing down). His office-mate was away today, so I just asked him in his office. I phrased it as "I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee sometime." He seemed a bit taken aback for a second--of course, he was probably expecting me to ask about him something technical about research. And if he didn't realize I'm gay and was interpreting this as me asking him out, then he'd probably find this quite surprising. He said that yeah he would like to (or maybe it was "yeah, sure"), but the next couple of weeks aren't good for him because his parents are arriving from England to visit tomorrow. I remember him mentioning that last week, so he's not making that up. I know he's going on a trip to some conferences in a week too. I'm not certain whether I should interpret this as him brushing me off, though. I guess in a few weeks maybe I should just mention coffee again and see what happens.

Gah! I wish it was acceptable for everyone to just say what they really felt in these sorts of situations!



ypi
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2013
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: UK

31 Jul 2014, 7:16 pm

AstroGeek wrote:
Well, I got up the courage to ask him (after going to do it twice and backing down). His office-mate was away today, so I just asked him in his office. I phrased it as "I was wondering if you wanted to get coffee sometime." He seemed a bit taken aback for a second--of course, he was probably expecting me to ask about him something technical about research. And if he didn't realize I'm gay and was interpreting this as me asking him out, then he'd probably find this quite surprising. He said that yeah he would like to (or maybe it was "yeah, sure"), but the next couple of weeks aren't good for him because his parents are arriving from England to visit tomorrow. I remember him mentioning that last week, so he's not making that up. I know he's going on a trip to some conferences in a week too. I'm not certain whether I should interpret this as him brushing me off, though. I guess in a few weeks maybe I should just mention coffee again and see what happens.

Gah! I wish it was acceptable for everyone to just say what they really felt in these sorts of situations!


Yes, hard to know if that's just brushing off or not. Congratulations for the courage. Wish you luck :)



AstroGeek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,582

31 Jul 2014, 9:27 pm

ypi wrote:
Yes, hard to know if that's just brushing off or not. Congratulations for the courage. Wish you luck :)

Thanks :) I'm leaning towards thinking that he actually does want to meet up sometime, as I knew in advance that he is going to be busy for awhile. I was actually kind of expecting that he'd be too busy for a few weeks (and, given that I'll be home visiting my family for a week at the end of August, we might not even be able to arrange something until September). And the fact that he gave a specific time-frame during which he's too busy seems encouraging--if I wanted to simply avoid meeting for coffee I'd have been more vague. The fact that he didn't mention a boyfriend was a good sign too, but he might have just assumed I was asking him out as a friend. So I'm not sure if I'm any closer to figuring out where things stand or not. And I'll have to wait weeks to really make any progress! I'm wondering if I should talk to my friend (the one who originally told me that D was in a relationship) about this--it would be good to get the opinion of someone who knows both of us. As he is considerably closer with me than with D, I don't think this would put him in too awkward a position.

Sorry for the long, hyper-analytical posts, by the way. Mostly I write like that because it's a way to help to get my thoughts in order.



ypi
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2013
Age: 31
Gender: Male
Posts: 29
Location: UK

01 Aug 2014, 1:14 pm

AstroGeek wrote:
ypi wrote:
Yes, hard to know if that's just brushing off or not. Congratulations for the courage. Wish you luck :)

Thanks :) I'm leaning towards thinking that he actually does want to meet up sometime, as I knew in advance that he is going to be busy for awhile. I was actually kind of expecting that he'd be too busy for a few weeks (and, given that I'll be home visiting my family for a week at the end of August, we might not even be able to arrange something until September). And the fact that he gave a specific time-frame during which he's too busy seems encouraging--if I wanted to simply avoid meeting for coffee I'd have been more vague. The fact that he didn't mention a boyfriend was a good sign too, but he might have just assumed I was asking him out as a friend. So I'm not sure if I'm any closer to figuring out where things stand or not. And I'll have to wait weeks to really make any progress! I'm wondering if I should talk to my friend (the one who originally told me that D was in a relationship) about this--it would be good to get the opinion of someone who knows both of us. As he is considerably closer with me than with D, I don't think this would put him in too awkward a position.

Sorry for the long, hyper-analytical posts, by the way. Mostly I write like that because it's a way to help to get my thoughts in order.


Don't worry about it, we're all here to hear and be heard. Don't think he would mention his relationship at that moment. I don't want to sound negative but try to avoid creating very high expectations, we never know what might happen :)



AstroGeek
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,582

01 Aug 2014, 4:51 pm

ypi wrote:
AstroGeek wrote:
ypi wrote:
Yes, hard to know if that's just brushing off or not. Congratulations for the courage. Wish you luck :)

Thanks :) I'm leaning towards thinking that he actually does want to meet up sometime, as I knew in advance that he is going to be busy for awhile. I was actually kind of expecting that he'd be too busy for a few weeks (and, given that I'll be home visiting my family for a week at the end of August, we might not even be able to arrange something until September). And the fact that he gave a specific time-frame during which he's too busy seems encouraging--if I wanted to simply avoid meeting for coffee I'd have been more vague. The fact that he didn't mention a boyfriend was a good sign too, but he might have just assumed I was asking him out as a friend. So I'm not sure if I'm any closer to figuring out where things stand or not. And I'll have to wait weeks to really make any progress! I'm wondering if I should talk to my friend (the one who originally told me that D was in a relationship) about this--it would be good to get the opinion of someone who knows both of us. As he is considerably closer with me than with D, I don't think this would put him in too awkward a position.

Sorry for the long, hyper-analytical posts, by the way. Mostly I write like that because it's a way to help to get my thoughts in order.


Don't worry about it, we're all here to hear and be heard. Don't think he would mention his relationship at that moment. I don't want to sound negative but try to avoid creating very high expectations, we never know what might happen :)

Yeah, I know... To tell you the truth, deep down I don't really expect anything to come of this, however much I like to daydream that something will. Even if he is single, there are a multitude of reasons why things might not work out. I just needed to try and see.



elephantgirl
Butterfly
Butterfly

User avatar

Joined: 3 Jan 2014
Age: 50
Gender: Female
Posts: 16

04 Aug 2014, 2:42 am

Good for you to finally approach him! Now he knows you are interested in talking more.

Once you get more comfortable casually chatting with him, you can learn a lot more about him. It seems like so far, you are making lots of assumptions based on second hand information about this guy. For example, you are still unsure whether he knows you are gay... So make sure you mention it casually sometime. If you keep the chatting really light and casual, once you two develop more natural rapport, you both will feel more comfortable around each other and he will be more likely to join you for coffee.

It seems like there would be a lot to talk about if gay guys are rare in your lab. Also, since he is an older guy, can you treat him a bit like a big brother or career mentor? This gives you a couple pretenses for conversation-- so he doesn't feel scared by anything too direct.



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 41
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 32,872
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

04 Aug 2014, 5:18 am

The word "taken" to be used as "in relationship" is sexist, I've learned that from tarantella.

Oh but wait, this is a guy to guy case, hmm, is it sexist still or just derogatory?