Once a cheater always a cheater??

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My boyfriend and I recently went through a rough spot in our relationship at the beginning of the summer. For the past month or so we have been doing really great! He recently just told me that he has been logging on to dating sites to "keep his option open" and "have a back up plan". We were NOT broken up and I consider his actions pretty darn close to cheating. I demanded that he delete his profiles. He claims he never talked to any other girls but was only looking and compared it to checking out girls on the street. Would you consider that cheating?? Should I continue seeng him?? How can I trust him again?? I'm so confused and hurt.

The guy should probably delete his accounts.

He was really gauche in saying that he is "leaving his options open"--rather sleazy on his part.

I'm sorry you're having troubles right now.

Do you still love him?

I think so?? It's really hard to say right now. I'm so angry at him. What is worse is that his family was the cause of our rough time. If anything I should have been keeping my options open!

Girl, are you kidding me? This is not normal behaviour on his part. He has cheated on you and really should be happy that you are giving him another chance at this. I sure know not all women would. So you give him another chance and he keeps an account an a datingsite to keep his options open? To me this shows he is not ready for a mature and commited relationship with you. You should not want to date a guy that (1) cheats on you and (2) isn't willing to go serious for you and only you.

I would agree. The guy, frankly, is being quite the butthole.

Maybe you're going through a phase. Hopefully, if the guy wants to continue the relationship, he'll delete the accounts and apologize profusely for being such a butthole. How has the guy acted towards you previously?

Not making excuses for the guy: but does he have emotional issues?

I watched him delete his dating sites. He does not have emotional issues, that I am aware of. Previously he has acted very sweet for me and always tried to make me happy. Which makes me so confused. His mom told him he needed to keep his options open because she (and his step family) does not like me.

Does he have Asperger's? He might be overly influenced by his family. Maybe he depends upon them financially?

Is he 18 or over? If so, his family doesn't have the legal right to influence his romantic choices.

He does have Asperger's . He is 22 and still lives at home.

Sounds like he's stringing you along until he can find an upgrade.

it's a lot worse if hes an aspie and doing those things. I dont think i could browse for other girls while seeing someone unless id lost interest with the person first, being the single minded person that i am.

This guy is the kind of person that does not understand why what he's doing is hurtful, because he's not the "victim". Some people on the spectrum share a lot of symptoms with those affected by Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Have you tried asking him how he would feel if you were to ask guys out?

There exists the tendency for people with Asperger's to be quite suggestible and naïve; hence, they tend to listen to advice which might not be sound.

His parents might be people who don't give the best advice--but since they are his parents, and they are supporting him, he feels some kind of obligation to adhere to their wishes. He might be feeling pressure from them.

I did ask him how he'd feel if the roles had been reversed. He said he would be as equally upset. I believe he does allow his mother in influence him and it is ruining our relationship. But I can't ask him to stop seeing his mother.

Looking at the girls on the street does upset the GF a little when I am with her, but I have yet to be accused of cheating for doing so. And she knows I don't comment on her looking at other guys either. Talking obsessively about a member of the opposite sex around the gf/bf is where questions need to be asked.

People on POF will question anyone who comes on to the site asking for advice on what to do with the problem in their relationship if its clear the person is exploring their options (based on the profile information as well). I dont blame you for questioning him on the dating website profiles. Although he may not be cheating yet (by your terms), he certainly left the door open to the possibility. By the sounds of things, his mother doesn't care either and put him up to it.

His issue with his mother telling him what to do is between him and his mother. You can tell him what you need to tell him and that is how you feel about her interfering. The details you have given show that he can be trustworthy if you ask me. The problem is him listening to everything his family tells him and his inability to take control of his own life. That is what I think based on the information you provided.

I wouldn't consider what he is doing 'cheating' but it is definitely a very wrong move on his part. Its a huge breach of trust. No, it is nothing compared to 'seeing other girls on the street' because his profile shows him as an interested party seeking someone else, not an anonymous browser of profiles.

The fact that he told you (I'm assuming this was just out of the blue he told you, not that it came out during an argument or you saw him browsing on his pc) shows he does not consider the consequences of his actions... OR... he is using this as a means to manipulate you...kind of like to make you feel like you have to compete to keep him.

The 'keeping his options open' part is perhaps the most hurtful and asshat move of the whole thing.

Personally, I'd say dump him already. With that last comment he has already stated he is ready to move on, perhaps as soon as he gets a positive on those dating sites.

edit: I've read your previous posts.. in which I replied back then as well. Seeing all of the issues you have with him I'm inclined to believe that you're basically becoming his second mother, not a life partner. I can see you love him but take a step back and see objectively what kind of future you would have with this person.. both financially and emotionally. From the little glimpse you've given in your posts I don't see it as a positive one. Its your life, do what is best for you not for him.

OP you ask once a cheater always a cheater?

Yes, pretty much. Because deceit is not a sexual trait, it's a personality trait, and tends to be deeply ingrained, very often with a sense of entitlement. And it is quite rare for deeply ingrained negative personality traits to change for the better.

Get some self respect. Deleting people out of your life will become really easy over the years, especially with AS. People come and go all the time

Like a file on your computer.
'delete boyfriend.exe'


I would describe your relationship as it currently is as 'run for the hills!! !'