People letting themselves go once in a relationship.

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Has anyone else noticed, that a lot of people will let themselves go (get fat) and lazy, once they're in a relationship. I've noticed that whenever my friend gets a girlfriend, she'll progressively get fatter the longer she's with him, the same thing when my other friend gets a girlfriend and I've seen it with other guy friends girlfriend's as well. When I was in my last relationship, I noticed I did become lazy and slacked off a lot with my diet and training. I vowed never to do that ever again once the relationship ended. So, anyway has anyone experienced, or witnessed this

When you feel happy, you feel complacent. You don't feel the need to be in tip-top shape. You're content with yourself as you are.

I do believe it is proper to seek to maintain your attractiveness to your partner, though.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 15 Aug 2014, 9:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's not just women, everyone lets themselves go every once in a while for a variety of reasons and at certain points in life your metabolism slows down so it can creep up on anyone. It's not a new phenomenon that people worry about their appearance less when they're in a relationship, and the vast majority of men put far less effort into their appearance than women which probably means there's less to notice when a man eases up on his beauty regime or gym time (I'd there ever was any to begin with).
No one is under any obligation to try and maintain the standard of their appearance for the duration of a relationship, and no one should expect it from their partner.

Yeah it's men too, but most of my friends are male and I'm male, so I notice it more with females. I wouldn't go so far as to not expect their partner to stay in shape. After all physical attraction is a big thing. Not that, that's the deciding factor in a relationship, but it's a big part. That being said, if I wanted my partner to stay in shape, I myself would make sure I'm in shape. Well, iId be in shape for other reasons too, but you get my point.

Please stop trying to control your partners' bodies. If they want your help staying motivated to be fit, I''m sure they'll ask you directly. Also please do not sneer at your friends' partners or judge their bodies.

Most adults in the world are overweight. And few adults with sedentary jobs have the leisure required to maintain a high level of fitness.

My friend coined a termed for that many years back, she called it 'love chub'.

There is no excuse to not be healthy. There is no reason for someone to be fat, unless they have a medical issue. This lazy fat victim mentality is one of the reasons the US is in the shape, that it's in. Who said anything about trying to control anyone? If I'm not satisfied with someone, I'll go find someone else and that's my choice to do so. That being said I have been with bigger girls and I stayed with them for their personality, even though I wasn't satisfied since I wasn't attracted to them since they were big. I felt shameful about it, but you can't help who you're attracted to. I'm not saying I'm not attracted to a woman who have a bit of a stomach(busty), but not someone who is big and doesnt take care of herself. I myself am in shape, so why expect less from a partner? I've seen women post all sorts of things on their profiles such as, "I'm a big girl I like to eat, sorry. lol" How are you supposed to respect someone who cares more for McDonalds cheese burgers than their own body? I can also understand not being able to be in shape for financial reasons, but that's rarely the care. Also, I don't hate fat people. If someone wants to be fat and is okay with that, that's fine. That being said there shouldn't be any shame in not being attracted to someone because of they refuse to take care of themselves.

Yes I have seen this especially among women (but definitely also among men). In the Netherlands I see a lot of women gain weight after they have children and make no effort to lose it. A lot of them also cut their hair short and have what we call 'a short spunky haircut'. They'll say it takes them less time in the morning. This phenomenon is especially common amoungh those with lower education levels. You'll see a gorgeous curvy long haired girl going to shortheaded fatass the moment she's captured a man and had kids.

I'm going to have to second ComanderKeen: It is entirely possible for some people to be overweight against their will (and I've met a few), but more often than not willpower is not involved - it is complacency and laziness.

Those two traits are very unattractive by themselves, but it gets worse when you fall in love with someone who was just maintaining appearances to get a "catch" and let their faults blurt out as soon as they feel safe. The person you're in a relationship with is not the one you fell head over heels for - it was all just a façade. This doesn't just happen with physical appearances, as many of the posters that have had NPD/BPD partners will tell you.

As you can see, the problem doesn't lie with people who were fat to begin with - that's their own decision (or lack of). It's this preconceived notion that they can lie without guilt to their partner and act offended when they're caught, as if their significant other should have known this would be the turn of events.

CK, if you want to leave someone because she's gained weight, that's entirely up to you. But her body is her business. It's not up to you to judge it or take offense or complain if it isn't what you like, nor is it right to threaten someone else with how you won't like them if they gain weight (whooo, what a threat). Nor is it your place to criticize your friends' girlfriends' bodies. Nobody was talking about a victim mentality until you did -- and you started off complaining about women not being what you like.

There are actually many reasons why people aren't healthy, and many of them have to do with the fact that they have families to support and care for, and limited options for doing it. Maybe if you had children you'd understand this better. I'm very lucky -- I have in-demand skills/education/talents that allow me to arrange my own schedule and work from home often, and the society around me is relatively kind. I also have a long education in physical fitness and nutrition, enough money to buy healthy food, excellent grocery options locally, tax-subsidized gyms, and few family obligations outside my child. I can also get by on very little sleep. All of that adds up to my being able to keep fit. But most adults raising children don't have that much liberty or support in staying fit.

It's too bad for you that that means you're cross about women being the degree of sexy you desire and go around filled with disgust at people. I'd recommend being a little more understanding of the world around you and recognizing that it's not set up to accommodate your sexual desires.

You don't need a gym membership to stay healthy. Healthy food isn't more expensive than average, just harder to cook.

Nobody has an obligation to maintain their bodies in a way that pleases a partner. Look, please don't talk to me about faking out partners. I married a guy who neglected to tell me about certain stints in mental hospitals and misled me about his education, and told me a giant pack of lies about why his first marriage ended (and slandered his first wife in the process). And can we talk about closeted gay guys? But someone else's body is their own affair, and they don't owe you a shape or weight or even a libido. If you don't like it, don't sleep with 'em.

The entire FDA and every bodybuilder and doctor on the planet disagree with you. As do poor people who know what good nutrition is. The first and biggest problem is the cost and availability of fresh produce.

And a gym membership makes staying healthy immensely easier, particularly if you don't know much about fitness or have family obligations. You don't have to fight nearly as hard to get a workout in if you can say, "I'm going to the gym for my ____ and will be back at 7 pm" rather than trying to work out at home with a whole family climbing on you and wanting things from you. It's also much safer for women in many places than running outside is, is social, and gives a range of workout options that keeps boredom at bay.

Try thinking occasionally of how things are for people who are not you.

I didn't.

Physical attraction is a part of love. This isn't about "owing" anything, it's about self-consistency. If I started to date someone who said they loved to read, and then on a second date find out I can't talk to her about books because webcomics is her definition of literature, I have been lied to.

Like we said: We don't.

Your undue defensiveness is painting us a picture that doesn't suit your argument.

sorry, but i think this is really unfair to women who've had children. i've never had any myself, but my sister had a little girl and i got to see vicariously through her just how much having a baby changes your life, and how little time you have for anything else when you become a mother--especially if you're not wealthy and can't afford extra help with childcare/housework etc and you still have to hold down a job. short hair IS a lot easier, and if you're home alone with a 6 month-old, you don't have lots of time to yourself to spend in the shower/bathroom getting yourself all dolled up every day, or to go to the gym and work off all the baby-weight. there is a reason why so many people say parenting is the hardest job there is.

I really don't believe in the theory that it's some kind of plan on the woman's part to fool a man into being attracted to her so she can snare him and then stop caring about her appearance. It's possible that some people may feel that way, but overweight people already know they're overweight and (with or without a partner "tied down") no one wants to feel unattractive.
I do feel that a person's weight is mostly their own responsibility, but the idea that it's some kind of wrong-doing on their part requires you to completely ignore their feelings about themselves and judge them solely by your own standards. We don't want NTs doing it to us, and should try not to do it to anyone else.