Relationships AS/AS or AS/Aut or Aut/Aut

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Hi everyone,
I need to know some information and I'm beginning by asking everyone on this part of the website, if you are in a relationship with a fellow Aspie or autistic person while having one of those conditions yourself?

I'm an Aspie, married to another Aspie for going on 13 years. We've had a very difficult relationship in some ways, and in other ways it's been very good.

Any of you in a committed autistic/autistic relationship? How do you make it work? What are some of the challenges you face and how have you overcome them or how would you like to solve it?

Also, are we capable of emotional reciprocity? With each other at least?

Example: When I did a favor for my husband today I prompted him to thank me and he said he wished he didn't need the prompt but appreciated it anyway-- what followed after the prompt was a sincere and heartfelt amazing embrace of gratitude. So the feelings ARE there, they can be reciprocated, what do you all think of this?

Thanks in advance, I'm working on a book for autistic couples.

I am in a relationship with another aspie. We've only been together for about six months now, but I'll go ahead and post some struggles and positives that I've experienced from being in an AS/AS relationship.

What are some of the challenges you face

-He's too upfront about every little thing bothering him while I internalize it all far too much.

-Not catching onto subtleties and hints and then being upset by what's said because it has to be in the most straightforward way possible.

-The lack of empathy. This isn't a problem when we are both in a similar emotional state (both stressed out, both in good moods, both on verge of mental collapse, etc etc), but I know we both have trouble putting ourselves in the other's shoes when we aren't able to fit in those shoes ourselves at the given time. This gets resolved by not trying to understand what the other is having trouble with, but instead just attempting and focusing on providing that they need from you.

Also, are we capable of emotional reciprocity?

Initially, I never communicated any of my feelings for him directly to him. I never felt the need to and never realized it would be expected of me. This would cause him to have doubts about whether or not I was truly interested in him. I started to reciprocate by telling him things he had told me at previous moments (I miss you, I really like ____ about you, I care about you) and then altering them a bit. I will say that I think we are not the most romantic in the way we go about expressing our feelings for each other since it's in a more blunt manner, but I think we are both OK with this- I even prefer it myself.

I will add that we tend to not get into lovey discussions when in person and it usually remains written in texts, etc. Again, this is not something I have a problem with because it gives me a way to do so in a way that I am truly capable of doing so. I will say this is another positive from being in an AS/AS relationship, because I think the inability to truly express yourself via your words would be highly frustrating for most NTs.


Postitives!

-Not having to be humiliated by having a meltdown/shutdown.

-Having somebody who truly understand the small daily struggles. At the end of the day, an NT can try to understand how hard it is to just function appropriately on a daily basis, but they will never truly "get it".

-Admiring and loving the quirks in each other that everybody else seems to look over and/or hate. Long tangents and uninteresting interests.

I have written before about my opinion that my own experience taught me; I believe that it is risky to become involved in a two-Aspie, two-Autie or, sometimes, even mixed relationships. My experience (admittedly, long before I knew of my own Aspie-ality) showed me that, when we shared common special interests, our relationship was great, but when those interests change or wane, or we unintentional triggered each others sensory issues, it was terrible.

So, it is a case of "the best of times, and the worst of times." But, I wouldn't advise it.

@calstar: For my relationship your words describe it closely. Work a lot on communication, as you have already begun to do so, just keep it up, it is crucial and will let you two be very intimate in a comfortable way for you. After almost 13 years of marriage, there are depths to my husbands soul to which I have yet to plummet however I have seen quite deeply and being connected to someone in that way is very unifying for an Aspie, imo. This is what you have to look forward to.

@AspieUtah: Not understanding and not being aware of your AS is definitely a relationship-killer if matched with an incompatible Aspie. My previous relationship neither of us knew and we slowly wore each other out and he ended up cheating on me the last year of it and I was clueless because he just kept pretending mostly (though I should've known since that was around when we stopped having sex). He was very emotionally abusive. Since you are self-aware now when you meet the right Aspie give them a chance!

I'm an Aspie & my girlfriend is somewhat on the spectrum & we've been living together for about a year & 9months. My personality within a relationship is kind of opposite of the stereotypical Aspie guy because I love being affectionate & emotionally close with my partner. Some of the problems we face are because she has depression & anxiety & I have physical disabilities & was figuratively put down alot by my family & lots of others throughout my life. We both interpret things wrong sometimes; Cass because of her mood & me because of past experiences. She's in counseling for her depression & anxiety & her counselor really wants us to get couples counseling to better communicate. I'm very hesitant due to past experiences with psychs & counselors but I am considering it thou I'm not ready just yet. I'd really want someone who's knowledgeable & has experience with Aspies. Me & Cass both really love each other, understand each other better than anyone else & we both try our very best to be supportive of each other. Her counselor thinks the problems are because of how close we are to each other & I think she's rite.