Dammit, trying so hard....

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F***, trying to do everything I can to keep from slipping into too much darker of a mental state. Already feel like offing myself in a concerning amount like shouldn't be thinking about that every day, but that doesn't stop it. Trying to keep in mind people in my life I care about...of course doesn't help when I start feeling like I cause(or will cause) them more problems than I'm worth(even if that's not really true). If only I had saved those Vicodin I acquired rather than using it already, it would be nice right now....especially since I don't have any cannabis at this point of time. I just don't know what to do with how I feel.....don't have a specific plan to act on, though I wonder if lack of oxygen really causes euphoria......or if you just panic until you're dead, overdosing is easier said than done based on personal experience....seriously though if this mindset doesn't go away its back to the psych ward for me before i do something suicidal.

What do you do when you need your brain to live(obviously) but at times its you're worst enemy

Suicidal ideation. Personally I try to be rational about it. It doesn't make me feel 'good' but it does generally stop me from falling over the edge. While I have always thought of suicide even today it has always been an illogical step; so I try to deal with the problems I can and rationalize away the ones I can't.

No lack of oxygen doesn't necessarily cause euphoria that is more dependent on a person's unique neurological construction so yes for some but most no.

Its good to know for most it wouldn't as it makes any methods pertaining to that less appealing....attempting to remind myself how unappealing various methods of death would be sort of helps, but it can still reach the point where none of that matters.

Also though sometimes my trying to be rational just takes me in a big loop right back around to suicidal ideation...because I'm just a college drop out, with no job on SSI at the age of 25 due to mental problems that suck and don't have any real prospects for a 'bright' future of any kind therefore what is there? Of course maybe that is not rational, feels/seems rational. I try to see it as an illogical step, but that can be hard...and I already attempted when I was 15 so I am pretty certain I can end up over that edge.

Also it would help if the problems where simpler so it would be easier to see what could be fixed, what can't and then what I have energy to fix, what battles I don't have the energy to fight and what things I'd have to somehow just cope with. But its likely you've experienced frustration with that sort of thing as well.

Isolation is an illusion to all of us, to be perfectly honest I can personally count you among my own reasons for staying alive, I've confronted for years what you're feeling now and more important than than having someone I could really identify with here, I've seen the understanding and strength we in such difficult lives can impart on those around us. I've seen you educate and humanize everyone here. I know it's not easy to see, but trusting the good people here denotes to me a very strong mind.

PM me tough questions. We're all here to help each other survive. Darkness in our minds is something we all need to simplify our lives. The tougher life gets for any of us, the stronger we become in our quests for peace.

You sound exhausted. Try, as much as you can, to catch yourself and stop trying to think through your problems for now. I don't run and never have, but to me this is like running a marathon and then heading straight over to pack all your belongings and move. Carrying everything up and down 5 flights of stairs. You can't solve everything this minute and probably don't need to.

I am glad you can identify with some of how I feel....but yeah I think people who go through this sort of thing understand a lot more than people who haven't.

Yeah it?s easy to get caught in a loop it does sound really rational at times. For many years I was stuck in that and even today sometimes it still sounds rational. Consider this though the reason suicide is so distressing is because we want to live not because we want to die. If we wanted to die it wouldn?t be distressing at all and we?d literally jump on it. Hence logically we want to live which makes suicide irrational.

?What is there?? that?s a good classic which everyone has a different answer for. I don?t have the grand scale insight somebody else might although on the other hand I might have something more believable than the classical ?life gets better? because that one annoys me it?s far too lacking in detail. So my answer to what point is there in life is ?I have a very nice bed?. I like sleeping, curled up in a bed or a closet all alone it. The detailed answer is it?s something that comforts me. Do you have anything that comforts you?

No energy is also a classic. So I break things down into priority levels. There?s base survival things which if I don?t do will lead to my immediate death such as eating or drinking. After that anything is a bonus so I look at it and if I can do it great if not which is more likely I just toss it aside. This is to reduce the number of things I'm dealing with. If I thought about how much of a failure I am, and I do sometimes think on it, it never ends up in a good place. So I try to make it simpler, smaller and leave that 'bright future' to take care of itself while I concentrate on my present moment.

My brain is the same way - I mean is it's own worst enemy. I try to tackle really small goals and lately I accomplished a large goal. But none of them help. The darkness just stays, all the time. I can only logically conclude it'll be like this for life. An example yesterday an acquainntence who I thought highly of, told me I would not like it if he told me what he thought of me. But I hadn't ever thought highly of myself, so it doesn't change anything.
You have a way of communicating that stands out as gifted - I'm sure I'm not the only one who sees it. Hope you feel better soon and that it lasts.

I've been there many times. The problem is that when you get stuck in a depressive cycle it can be very difficult to break out of it as the mind just keeps settling on perceived problems and hangs on to its pessimistic outlook. Anti depressants may help. I've got some I take if I get stuck in the loop of suicide ideation. They do work, but they mess with my sleep and give me really wild and quite unpleasant dreams; they also leave me drowsy all day long; however, they do break the mind out of the depressive rut. If you are stuck in the rut because of your life then you need to find things that improve your life or at least give you some distractions from the loneliness or misery of day to day existence - the important thing here is that it is impossible to think of these life changes or distractions when you are stuck in the depressive rut; you need to break out of the rut first and this is where anti-depressants can really help. I didn't even need to take the full course last time; simply a few days was enough to have required impact and turn me around to thinking more positive again.

Unfortunately I haven't had much luck with anti-depressants, seems they either don't do anything or make things worse....doesn't stop the suicidal thinking. So for now much of the time I self medicate with cannabis because it can help me through the darkest bits, or if I really feel like acting on some suicidal thought sometimes if I just smoke instead then it makes that urge go away and I feel better for a while, of course it does wear off

But yeah I don't know a lot of things in my life do suck, not really sure how to go about changing any of it though...I mean I am on SSI living at my moms house, moving out could be an option eventually as instead of paying her 300 of rent I could throw in on an aparment with some people or something.......of course then if there are issues with room-mates and stuff like that it might be more trouble than its worth. But yeah little chance of improving my financial situation...I have however started sort of cooking more because with my food stamps cut and what not its cheaper that way and I've never made anything that wasn't good so obviously it is something i can do. Though I honestly feel like if I could make my living/life situation better I'd still be stuck with the pain and misery regardless.

Then I have a strange issue of thinking positive but still unable to rid myself of the dark depressive feeling...like no matter what I do with my thinking its still there. Though as a rule I get very severely depressed and eventually that sort of ends and depression gets more minimal but is still there just not enough to interfere too terribly much with things, except sometimes when it gets bad to the point I am worrying of harming myself don't have much choice aside risk that or go to the ER. I am trying a new med to help with depression, but its not catagorized as an anti-depressant....guess its more of a typical drug for epilepsy and bi-polar neither of which I have but the psychiatrist said it could potentially help the depression so have been giving it a go, but haven't really noticed any difference in how I feel aside from a couple potential side effects.

Well yeah even when I had an actual attempt it wasn't so much that death was appealing and I was just dying to get there.....I just was feeling horrible depression(didn't even know that was an actual thing at that point), thought I was useless and was just burdening everyone so seemed like the most 'rational' option even though its not . Of course after I attempted the overdose(I was 15 and did it in the bathroom at school) I did sort of chicken out a little ended up telling some friends I had at the time what i did and then they where sort of keeping an eye on me.....but then it became very obvious to a teacher something was up especially when I fell and couldn't even walk on my own and so one of them told her so yeah got an ambulance called and all that. So I can certainly say its not my desired way to go.......but then don't know how long I'll be able to fight this ongoing battle.

But yeah when overwhelmed I try and just focus on the necessary things like eating and drinking, though I admit sometimes I even let that slide till I have a headache and hunger pains and think to myself 'oh I must be hungry or thirsty'. But yeah the life gets better bit sort of annoys me to I mean as a child I constantly tried telling myself that, and well its not gotten any better really..except for the fact I don't have to go to public school anymore and be stuck around people who pick on me, ostracize and ignore me or just generally don't like me I guess that is one good thing....but aside from that life didn't 'get better'.

I just don't know anymore...I want to keep going with the chance of experiencing some more positive things than I have(have had some things even if I can't always actually fully enjoy an experience due to lingering depression or anxiety in the back of my mind)...of course cats that live with me in my moms house like me....I have family that cares, I care about the ones that care about me to and wouldn't want to devastate them or anything.

But just don't know, pain never ends...quite certain the combination of mental issues i have will be the death of me, just not sure how long I can cling to this existence, I'm exausted I'd rather be alone because I don't want to cause negative vibes around people by being stuck in misery and at the same time I feel left out since its been a while since anyone has bothered to see if I want to go out and do something...my brother comes and hangs out with me, but then last night he had gone with some friends the night before...then informed me he wasn't sure what he was doing last night but a friend of both of ours now was having a 'kickback' and well felt bad I wasn't even asked if maybe i wanted to join....not sure I would have but I don't know just makes me feel people don't actually like me around, maybe they just like it when I have a little money to pitch in on whatever activity is going on. And yes that is where my mind led me based on this one instance of feeling a little left out when its likely nothing was meant by it.

I mean continuing this life, feeling like this vs. a much shorter amount of time suffering before death since not sure there are any entirely painless ways to go that I have access to.....gotta stick to the hopefully I can kill the pain often enough to get by and life is somehow worth living regardless of feeling like crap side of the edge cause if I start leaning to that other side(already am sort of) that its no use and there's no real way to make it worth it and ending it is better than another 50 years or whatever of this.

But yeah seriously don't even know.

I don't think I have it in me at least not yet, too much fear about what comes next and the thought of nothing at all is more scary than anything else to me. I was having a real hard time of it earlier this year, I felt pretty backed into a corner living with my family still and I got to a point where I had to make a change. I made the decision to move up to the city by myself, I'm fortunate enough that my parents can pay my rent and I live in a low cost city but I'm not living it up by any means. It hasn't solved my issues but at least it is a direction, you know? I'm trying to work on my mental well being and other help as well, it's frustrating how slow the whole process is and I've barely begun but I neglected it for years so this is what I get I guess.

I'm not saying you should move out specifically but I think you should try to find a direction to point yourself towards. The worst is disappointment, I think I'd take it pretty hard if I flunked out of this but it's one of those "eff it, lets go down swinging" type deals. What is the worst that could honestly happen? You find yourself right back in the place you started? Meh, wasn't like I was doing anything anyways so I don't have anything to lose. You just got to reduce it down to the basics and hope the finer points come into focus later on, you'll cross those bridges when they come. What is the baseline for what you want out of life? What do you already know that you want big or small? I don't where I'll be 5 years from now, I certainly didn't expect to be where I am now 5 years ago so I'll just take things one step at a time. I know I'm packing a lot of cliches in here for which I apologize, I'm sure you've heard them all before. Hang in there.

I don't know don't have a specific fear of what comes next...I mean whats the worse that could happen, hell? well don't think it would be all that different than how I feel now. But seriously I am afraid of attempting suicide, even was when I actually attempted but that's also due to survival instinct obviously we are programmed to fight to live, the body will try to survive no matter what which is part of what creates what people know as fear....interesting since we all die anyways someday.

But yeah basically just trying to get through this very dark patch that seems to have come upon me.....and still trying to find things to intrest me and what not, and thinking of possible things I can do to enjoy my time more or whatever but easier said than done.

Hang in there; you'll find your way through. There is always light at the end.

Took a shower not sure when I last did that, which feels a bit better...maybe I can actually try to clean my room, but maybe break it down into smaller bits instead of trying to clean the whole thing...not terribly messy but could use sweeping/vaccuming, whiping off my shelves and desk cause they have collected some dust and some organizing of clothes and other stuff I have in my room which will mean moving stuff off them temporarily. But I can probably do some....guess I figure I should try to put the negative energy into something helpful rather than harmful.