The sex & friendship was amazing now I want to die!!

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heusedme
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01 Sep 2014, 2:06 pm

We met at work, he was very helpful and attentive towards. He always said "I'm here for you for anything". I emailed him my number and we began texting daily. He asked me so many questions about myself that he left little room for questions about himself.
We both began to express attraction and interest in each other (I found his oddities refreshing).

We began a sexual relationship, as I have an extremely high desire for sex! He said that he wanted to take his time and not just jump right into a relationship and he very slow to have sex with me and I was fine with that. I was cheated on by my ex and betrayal is something that I cant accept. He always told me what a beautiful heart I had and that he would never lie to me or go to another woman etc.

He told me once that he felt smothered in a relationship ship when he lived with someone. (His brother told me that his last girlfriend was pressuring him to get married and he didn't like that and also that he was surprised that he was seeing me due to I am of a different race and his brother was traditional and was the favorite of this parents)

I found out after a year and a half of seeing him that he is getting married this month and he vehemently denied it. I sent hard proof of his wedding plans via text. He didnt reply and I didnt say anything else to him. Oh and his brother said that the current fiancé bosses him around and he's a push over with her. Could he really want me but just afraid to leave due to fear of letting his family down and and ruining this perfect image he has? I want to email and ask him why he carried on with me for so long and hurt me but Im scared he wont reply. What should I do, please any input would be appreciated (especially Aspie male). :cry:



Stargazer43
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01 Sep 2014, 2:29 pm

My advice: talk directly to his fiance. She deserves to know what he was doing before they tie the knot, as she probably has no idea that he was seeing you either. Reading things like this always upset me...I don't know how some people can do that kind of thing and still sleep at night. Did his brother not tell you about his other girlfriend previously?



heusedme
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01 Sep 2014, 2:38 pm

Thank you for you reply. No his brother never told me that he was seeing anyone in the present tense. I messaged her and told her that i'd been seeing him and had no knowledge of her and apologized. I asked him how he could betray me and he denied getting married all via text, so I sent her the screen shot of this. She never replied and is moving forward with the wedding, as this has been her wish from him for years.
It all hurts so badly. Should I email him & tell him how badly im hurt and ask him why he has done this?



cberg
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01 Sep 2014, 3:35 pm

heusedme wrote:
Thank you for you reply. No his brother never told me that he was seeing anyone in the present tense. I messaged her and told her that i'd been seeing him and had no knowledge of her and apologized. I asked him how he could betray me and he denied getting married all via text, so I sent her the screen shot of this. She never replied and is moving forward with the wedding, as this has been her wish from him for years.
It all hurts so badly. Should I email him & tell him how badly im hurt and ask him why he has done this?


I think you deserve answers but patience now will be rewarded. The more I consider this, the more I think you're the only person involved with sufficient self-awareness to make sense of things, I believe you should give yourself time to think this over with friends before jumping into a volatile situation which seems more trouble than it's worth.


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cathylynn
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01 Sep 2014, 3:45 pm

if it were me, i'd cut off all communication. he isn't worth another second of your time.



mattschwartz01
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01 Sep 2014, 4:01 pm

heusedme wrote:
We met at work, he was very helpful and attentive towards. He always said "I'm here for you for anything". I emailed him my number and we began texting daily. He asked me so many questions about myself that he left little room for questions about himself.
We both began to express attraction and interest in each other (I found his oddities refreshing).

We began a sexual relationship, as I have an extremely high desire for sex! He said that he wanted to take his time and not just jump right into a relationship and he very slow to have sex with me and I was fine with that. I was cheated on by my ex and betrayal is something that I cant accept. He always told me what a beautiful heart I had and that he would never lie to me or go to another woman etc.

He told me once that he felt smothered in a relationship ship when he lived with someone. (His brother told me that his last girlfriend was pressuring him to get married and he didn't like that and also that he was surprised that he was seeing me due to I am of a different race and his brother was traditional and was the favorite of this parents)

I found out after a year and a half of seeing him that he is getting married this month and he vehemently denied it. I sent hard proof of his wedding plans via text. He didnt reply and I didnt say anything else to him. Oh and his brother said that the current fiancé bosses him around and he's a push over with her. Could he really want me but just afraid to leave due to fear of letting his family down and and ruining this perfect image he has? I want to email and ask him why he carried on with me for so long and hurt me but Im scared he wont reply. What should I do, please any input would be appreciated (especially Aspie male). :cry:


Firstly, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and, as a stand-up man, I cannot countenance cheating. You've no right to have your heart played with. If it will bring you closure, by all mean, send the email. I am an Aspie male and I've made my share of relationship mistakes, including not being as honest as I should have been, but never once would I cheat on someone. That's a line I won't cross. To me, someone's trust is a precious gift not to be taken lightly. I wish you all of the best :-)



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01 Sep 2014, 4:34 pm

I'm sorry to hear about this. I think he is wrong. If he wants to have another relationship, he should be honest with you. I think he wants your relationship and the other relationship. Being with one person doesn't automatically prevent you from having feelings for someone else. He needs to be more respectful of your feelings and the feelings of the other girl and quit being so selfish. I can't tell you what to do in this situation, but I can say that he is 100% in the wrong. You are not.



heusedme
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01 Sep 2014, 4:45 pm

Thank you also for your reply. You seem like a very admirable man. I am so glad to hear that there are men out there who hold those values. My emitions are swaying from sadness (wondering why I wasnt enough for him etc) to allowing my logic to take over (realizing that, if he were truly happy, then he wouldn't have been coming to me and that I would not want to be in his fiancé's place either).
Then I channel my "will to move on" and go work out and I play happy music and sing and dance like a wild child. I make silly faces and do silly dances to laugh at myself (one of the things he said he liked about me).
I will suffer in silence and miss "the thought of him". I'll always wonder if he ever thinks of me (apart of me hopes he will remember all of the "love" that I give to everything around me and once included him.
Thank you Thank you for taking the time to reply :-)



heusedme
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01 Sep 2014, 4:56 pm

cberg wrote:
heusedme wrote:
Thank you for you reply. No his brother never told me that he was seeing anyone in the present tense. I messaged her and told her that i'd been seeing him and had no knowledge of her and apologized. I asked him how he could betray me and he denied getting married all via text, so I sent her the screen shot of this. She never replied and is moving forward with the wedding, as this has been her wish from him for years.
It all hurts so badly. Should I email him & tell him how badly im hurt and ask him why he has done this?


"I think you deserve answers but patience now will be rewarded. The more I consider this, the more I think you're the only person involved with sufficient self-awareness to make sense of things, I believe you should give yourself time to think this over with friends before jumping into a volatile situation which seems more trouble than it's worth.
"

I agree with you 100%. I will fight back tears and any desire for him. I hope that someday I will be enough for someone but until then, I'll continue to just be myself and enjoy who I am :-)



heusedme
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01 Sep 2014, 4:59 pm

cathylynn wrote:
if it were me, i'd cut off all communication. he isn't worth another second of your time.


Hi Kathylynn, I totally agree with you. I will not communicate with him. The day I found out was the last day that I spoke with him.



Dantac
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01 Sep 2014, 6:48 pm

He already lied to you big time for over a year and betrayed your heart.

Why are you even talking to him?



Toy_Soldier
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01 Sep 2014, 7:08 pm

That was a massive deception on his part. It seems he used you as his game on the side. I would have nothing more to do with him. Even if his wedding gets cancelled, seriously never talk to him again. I believe such a liar and user will not change.

PS. Don't die. This wasn't about you doing anything wrong. The best revenge is to continue to look and find a good partner and have a happy life. His (your ex-boyfriend's life) I expect will be a total mess.



cberg
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01 Sep 2014, 7:49 pm

Toy_Soldier wrote:
That was a massive deception on his part. It seems he used you as his game on the side. I would have nothing more to do with him. Even if his wedding gets cancelled, seriously never talk to him again. I believe such a liar and user will not change.

PS. Don't die. This wasn't about you doing anything wrong. The best revenge is to continue to look and find a good partner and have a happy life. His (your ex-boyfriend's life) I expect will be a total mess.


Survival is always the best strategy, though I don't think it's healthy advice to concentrate on revenge. Do anything to occupy your entire mind or body and if you really want to blindside mean people such as these, when you're prepared, forgive them. Directly forgive them. They'll be bamboozled and you'll get to carry on with a much more interesting existence.


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-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos :mrgreen:


katiesBoyfriend
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01 Sep 2014, 8:19 pm

My advice is to dump the bum. If he can't be honest with you, he's not worth the effort. Look at it this way, suppose the two of you got married. What guarantee would you have that exchanging a few words and a pair of rings is going to make him change his ways? If he lied to you before that event, he's unlikely to change after it.

I've been burned myself by a situation similar to yours, though it wasn't as serious. She wasn't worth the effort.



heusedme
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01 Sep 2014, 9:33 pm

Dantac wrote:
He already lied to you big time for over a year and betrayed your heart.

Why are you even talking to him?


Danta- Yes he did and I stopped all communication last week Monday when I found out.



heusedme
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01 Sep 2014, 9:47 pm

katiesBoyfriend wrote:
My advice is to dump the bum. If he can't be honest with you, he's not worth the effort. Look at it this way, suppose the two of you got married. What guarantee would you have that exchanging a few words and a pair of rings is going to make him change his ways? If he lied to you before that event, he's unlikely to change after it.

I've been burned myself by a situation similar to yours, though it wasn't as serious. She wasn't worth the effort.


I ended things immediately once I found out. I agree that he is not worth the effort. I guess I am hurt because I thought he was the one. I'll maintain what dignity that I have left and get on with my life.
I do not believe that he is happy and that breaks my heart because I know that he is carring on his life as one huge lie.

I am glad that you were able to recognize that your ex was not worth your goodness and let her go. Have you dated anyone after her? If so were you worried that it'll happen again??