Relationship Advice Needed

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Hello WPers! To make a long story short I have been dating this woman (32) for a few months now. She did tell me she wanted to take it slow and I have respected that so we haven't gone much past kissing. She is quite honestly everything I have been looking for in a girlfriend: attractive, well liked, good job that she is passionate about, friends I can get along with and my family loves her. Not perfect, but seems to be 'marriage material', not something I say too often. However, every time I try to escalate things she seems to almost subconsciously distance herself. I did not think too much of it until I got a late night text recently cancelling our date saying that "with my three jobs..... I really don't want to meet with you during the week because I am not getting proper sleep".

I feel she is taking on WAY too much in her life now and is not available for a relationship but I still like and respect her and her social circle too much to just walk away. My question would be do you think I should in this situation? Give her another month or so where hopefully she will eventually "see the light" and hopefully avoid burnout or should I just accept I will just be her friend, nothing more and explore other women? She told me previously she does like me, is attracted to me but is finding it hard to change what has been a successful life arrangement. While she says she is very happy I think she is starting to show all the signs of stress related burnout and she needs to rethink her priorities although I realize I cannot make her do this.

Not to sound boastful, but our life paths mesh so well I doubt she will ever find someone as compatible as me. She is NT but has many similar stories to mine: bullied severely in school, overachiever, worked almost full time through University, failed relationships, doesn't drink, obsessive interests, etc. It would be a shame to abandon this relationship because I have a strong feeling we have a solid foundation to work with but I don't want to put my love life on hold waiting for a potential that she will come around.

That's a tough one. It's never a good position to be in, getting the red light when you really want to progress the relationship. I do know that it can be very hard to walk away from someone whom you feel is perfect for you.

I guess the only advice I can give is to keep trying -- for awhile longer, anyway. Obviously the stress factor you mentioned is going to be a huge obstacle. When people are overworked, they often just don't have the energy to nurture their personal lives.

Might it be possible that she is asexual?

Good question and I never thought of that. I am puzzled that she doesn't seem to have any interest in sex or intimacy, especially given what woman that age are usually like. I know she is liberal Christian but that shouldn't make a difference. It's not a huge deal since I currently have little to no sex drive due to medication and anxiety but that may be a possibility. I do care very much and while am not sex crazed but I do desire physical and emotional intimacy. She did say she would be happy having sex with just one person in her profile questions so I doubt that is the case but you never know. I touched her in a certain area below her neck and she never reacted either positively or negatively which further puzzled me.

She did tell me on date #2 that she made some "big mistakes" in her past that luckily did not result in any serious consequences. I would presume that she was naive like me and had someone take advantage of her. I also find it amazing how she dismisses my compliments towards her. Perhaps she was ridiculed and teased mercilessly about her appearance? She seemed perfect but maybe she is too afraid to show her vulnerable side. Either way it makes it hard to form a serious relationship.

I have no advice for you, but just wanted to say it makes me that little bit happier to hear you've found someone like that and I really hope it works out for you. I always enjoy reading about your dating successes! (I know this post is more about a problem than about success, but still...)

Your situation reminds me a bit of an ex-girlfriend that I loved very much (I would have wanted to marry her...). She was a workaholic, asexual, and also dismissive of compliments. She broke off with me because our relationship seemed too stressful and she had huge problems with a flatmate which stressed her very much. She then started a relationship with a friend who supported her by allowing her to sleep at his place and thus avoiding her crazy and dangerous flatmate. I could not help her that way because I lived over 300km away from her (I only could have given her money to rent her own place). She is now having a happy relationship and living together with her new boyfriend.

I think people like my ex-girlfriend can have a happy relationship. But she is very egoistic and egocentric and cannot be trusted entirely in a relationship. I doubt that her new relationship will last, but I won't ever know because I have broken off contact with her.

I don't really know what advice to give you. It depends on how much you like her and on how emotionally invested you already are.

I am thinking she is still unsure. Not that you are doing anything wrong, but she is just not feeling it. So, unless you find a way to get through to her..

Maybe she's just being cautious because of the 'big mistakes' shes made and doesn't want to repeat them. Its possible that within a few months, you could 'win her trust' a little more. I wouldn't abandon this relationship, she sounds like a good catch.

Well, I can officially say its over. I asked to talk to her and told her how inconsiderate it was to send a text saying what she did and she proceeded to tell me that she doesn't feel it is going to work out. While I would never say the future is fixed, it is unlikely she will change her mind. It really is a shame: we ticked all of each others boxes but as she said "my intensity isn't even close to yours and I can't see how I can bridge that gap." She did tell me I am a great guy and she felt bad not sharing the same feelings but she would like to remain friends to which I wholeheartedly agreed to. After all, she is a terrific person.

I think she is simply too attached to her girl friends and their opinions and doesn't want to scale that time back. It's unfortunate but I guess it wasn't meant to be. I am sure she will kick herself in the future for this decision and who knows maybe we might end up together down the road but I simply can't sit around and wait for her to "see the light". Thanks for your opinions everyone!

It doesn't sound good, this is a typical excuse of a woman who isn't really attracted to you, she becomes "too busy" before the date.

Oops, I haven't seen this, my previous post was unnecessary; but I was right, as always.

I know she WAS very busy but I dated a woman who was almost as busy. She found time for me even if it meant foregoing sleep to get it. This girl simply didn't feel that way. Oh well.

On the plus side her friend sent me a long message indicating how she and her husband consider me a friend now and how saddened they were she was not ready for a physical relationship. She also told me that they thought I of all people would have been the one to win her over and it was not my fault at all. She also told me of another woman who she thinks would be a great match. Three friends and a potential date or two: cant say that was anything less than a positive experience. Ironically enough this woman is best friends with someone I had a massive crush on last year. Talk about a small world!

There is still the possibility we might end up together down the road once she realizes what a catch I am for her but again I am not going to sit around for that!

I know she WAS very busy but I dated a woman who was almost as busy. She found time for me even if it meant foregoing sleep to get it. This girl simply didn't feel that way. Oh well.

On the plus side her friend sent me a long message indicating how she and her husband consider me a friend now and how saddened they were she was not ready for a physical relationship. She also told me that they thought I of all people would have been the one to win her over and it was not my fault at all. She also told me of another woman who she thinks would be a great match. Three friends and a potential date or two: cant say that was anything less than a positive experience. Ironically enough this woman is best friends with someone I had a massive crush on last year. Talk about a small world!

There is still the possibility we might end up together down the road once she realizes what a catch I am for her but again I am not going to sit around for that!

Don't buy much the "not ready" excuse; you might find her next week smooching a guy for whom she suddenly becomes physically ready for him.

"Not ready" for someone while dating is usually a code of "I am not attracted to you"; if she wasn't ready she wouldn't be dating in the first place. Asexuality is a very rare case.

Well, I do trust her and believe what she says but I would agree she just wasn't sexually attracted to me. I'm sure she *wanted* to be but the simple fact is she was not. Seems to be a common theme with the women I date: only one side has the attraction. Oh well, I am getting closer all the time. She also said she was "surprised" because while she wants a relationship, she doesn't feel that passion for one. I would say her BFF had something to do with that since she is 34 and single as well. I think once reality sets in next year she will feel bad for letting me get away especially if she wants children.

Couldn't agree more.

edit: reminds me of "500 days of summer".