Is it ok to go out alone?

Post Reply New Topic

Is it a good idea to go out to a bar or something alone to meet girls or make friends? I'll never find any of that if I don't go out, but I don't have alot of friends to go out with? Should I just go out alone?

Do you have the social skills to be able to meet girls and make friends while rolling solo? Strangely, you usually have to have friends to make friends. If you do have adequate social skills for this, then sure you could go to the bar alone, but if you don't then I really see no way that it'd go well.

I've gone out alone many times. I've seen guys out alone too. I don't think it's a problem. Sit at the bar and strike up a conversation with whoever is next to you, so you have somebody to chat with who you aren't hitting on. Then just have a few beers and check out the talent.

Yes.

I was a bartender for 5 years & am about to start working at a bar again soon.

There are plenty of people who go out solo for a drink, sit at the bar, chat with the bartender/servers and then end up striking up a conversation with someone else at the bar.. possibly joining their group, making new friends etc. There are plenty of people who start out going to a bar solo like this and then end up becoming a regular themselves and hanging out with other regulars. They may still always show up solo vs. bringing an outside friend, but it doesn't take long for them to make friends with people and have their own little social group to join whenever they come to the bar. Even if you have no intentions of making bar regulars your social circle long term, it's a pretty easy way to ease into socializing with others in general.. because everyone's got a beer or two in them and is friendly and social with everyone else. You might just find this to be the perfect training grounds for your social life, or you might even make some Real friends that you keep in touch with outside of the bar - you never know.

Consider your bartender/server as your "professional friend," the first time you go out. Have a drink, just chat with them when they're free, get to know them a bit. Each time you return you'll be greeted by a friendly staff member that remembers you and then all of the sudden that staff member is your link to connect with a social circle/clique within the bar. They'll get to know you a bit and then include you in conversations with others, who will then be more apt to accept you into their social group due to the common link of the bartender/server introducing you to them. I've seen & done it countless times.

I've also been on the customer end where I go to a lounge my friend works at to visit him, then got to know the owner and his coworkers as well as regulars there and now whenever I stop in, even if it's 2-3 months in between visits, I'm instantly greeted/acknowledged/welcomed by someone - whether staff or regular customers.

Anyways, if you're a little too shy to just strike up conversations with strangers.. utilize your bartender/server - that's a part of what they're there for - to help new customers integrate into the social scene of the place. And while it is their job and it's a professional service so to speak, it's entirely possible that they will in fact genuinely like you and you'll become acquaintances or even friends with them. But don't count on it. Just keep it in the back of your mind that they are truly a professional friend in the most literal sense of the word - they're being paid to be friendly with you. They might not actually give a flying F about you at all, but that doesn't matter, they'll do their job and be your professional friend that pays you some attention so you don't feel alone as well as introduces you to others in the place. Use them for that, it's what they're there for! But typically bars will hire staff that actually care and want to make a proper friendly connection with customers so that they return, so don't automatically assume that their friendliness is entirely out of professional obligation. Just know that they MAY just be being friendly out of job description obligation and they might not actually want to be your friend in any capacity outside of the bar. There's a bit of a balance of the two as well. i.e. I was genuinely friendly with many bar customers & treated them like good friends inside the bar, but I have my own life and friends and family outside of the bar and couldn't care less about including bar customers in my life outside of work. My friendliness was completely real to them at work vs. forced and contrived, but unless I bumped into them in public I never had anything to do with them in the rest of my life. Sometimes it's just the thing you need: "bar friends," kind of like the old tv series "Cheers." People gather at the pub and visit/joke/laugh/drink etc and then go on about their outside lives completely independently of anyone in the pub. Even regulars are often like this with each other - great friends inside the pub, but they keep their personal/family/work lives entirely separate. But that's not a rule either lol you could make a great friend who you click with and get to know outside of the place just as well.

Hope this post helps you out some!

The only place where "going out alone" worked well for me was on a cruise, where I went solo. No one reacted well or badly to it; me being alone was treated with the same indifference as me wearing my blue shirt instead of my brown shirt. Many people cruise by themselves, and therefore when I did, no one saw it as a big deal.

Not so in most other places. When I tried going out alone pretty much anywhere, even a shopping mall, I got very bad treatment. It ranged from simple ostracism (people tuned me out or ignored me when I talked) to flat-out aggression, where a club bouncer had to pull me aside and walk me to my car, because a bunch of guys planned to follow me out and beat me up.

TL;DR version: No, it's not OK.

As someone who has worked at a shopping mall as well as several bars, I can guarantee with 100% certainty that the reason you were ignored at one place & escorted out of another because a group of guys wanted to beat you up had absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that you were alone.

I guarantee that it was something you said or did that set them off the way you did. You're just simply not self aware of what words, actions, or behaviours annoyed or frustrated these people.

Yeah, I agree that going out alone isn't going to cause you to be treated badly. If that were the case then society as we know it would grind to a halt. Going to the mall alone causes people to mistreat you? How do you get shopping done then? I have tons of errands that I do each week, alone, and I've never had a problem with it. Back in the day I would go to bars alone and never had a problem with that either. If I have to go to T-town to the mall for some things, I go and do my shopping. If I decide I have the money to stop at a restaurant and get me something to eat that I've been craving, I'll go and sit alone and read a book or something. Never a problem with anybody and I still get good service. Maybe on the way back I see a bar that has margaritas as big as my head for $2.99 so I might stop in and get one. Nobody bothers me and I don't get funny looks from people.

I'm wondering if the poster who has problems going alone to a mall has the same ones at a grocery store or a drugstore when he goes alone. Most people are so caught up in their own business and personal crap that they aren't paying that much attention to who else is there or what they are doing, except for teenagers, and I could really give a rats ass what teenagers do or think and even though they don't say anything to me, if they did I'd get all "mom voice" on them and tell them off. If you are having a problem going to the mall alone, it's not being alone that's doing it. Also, why would guys want to beat you up when you left the bar? It's not being alone that does that either, lots of people go to bars alone and that just isn't a common thing. What were you doing or how did you interact with people that would cause them to single you out for something like that? People don't just go out and say "Lets beat up the guy whose out by himself, for no other reason at all".

You really do have to go out alone sometimes. I've had to move twice for a job, and I never really felt all that connected to my coworkers. It was like they just tolerated me, and not at all interested in hanging with me after hours.

It wasn't unusual for me to hit the bar after work, and usually it was other men who'd offer two words to say to me. Granted, I wasn't in it to meet women, but the few women I ran into weren't interested in much conversation even if I had been.

But you have to start SOMEWHERE. I'd say the best opportunities are situations in which you're forced to interact with others to make those friend contacts. I did it through community theater and church. I served briefly on the local symphony board. I sang in the church choir.

Back in my college days I joined a fraternity, since no one I knew at school was anywhere near on campus?I mean, we just never hung out. There was some interaction with women linked to being part of a social group, and that was a big help when I started my master's degree over 1,000 miles from home. There was this girl I found BIG TIME attractive who accompanied for some of my clarinet acquaintances, so I was always the first to volunteer to be her page-turner.

So, on the one hand, you HAVE to go out alone sometimes just to get yourself out there. But if you aren't making long-term contacts, i.e. friends, it's all for nothing.

I think sometimes what we need more than anything is just the experience of going out and getting used to that, rather than trying to actively meet someone new. Your best bet is to just get to know as many people as you can, work up to spending regular time with them in some kind of working situation--whether it's a barista, restaurant server, the girl at the gas station, or the nice lady at the Apple store, or that person who sold you the iPhone 6. In other words, someone you'd see regularly anyway, so asking to meet up at your favorite bar/coffee shop/skating rink isn't all that awkward.

One thing I've done by going out alone is more about scouting out the scene than actually looking to pick up someone. You don't want to invite someone to meet you somewhere, like a restaurant, if you're going to spend 30 minutes figuring out the dinner menu. Or you meet up and the place ends up being totally lame, which you would have known about if you'd scouted it out ahead of time. Or if you get there and SHE thinks it's totally lame, you have a backup plan.

There's a scene in Baby Mama where the guy takes her to this ultra health-nut natural food restaurant because he assumes she's a vegetarian because of who she works for. The food is horrendous, but she knows a great Philly cheese steak street vendor; so it's not a complete disaster. Going out alone will give you the advantage of knowing the scene, what your alternatives are if things aren't going well, and help you match up your date with your chosen venue (the skating rink is a bad choice if she doesn't skate, but maybe she likes bowling. If she's averse to second-hand smoke, the bar is a no-go, but a concert in the park might be a good idea). She might hate coffee but love smoothies, so if all you do is hang out at the coffee shop, you're going to miss an opportunity elsewhere.

It might taking going out alone a lot to get it all figured out, so yeah, it's a good thing.

I doubt it. I didn't even interact with them, other than an awkward greeting and an opening question, or more often, there was no interaction with them at all. Perhaps they didn't like my awkward and/or weak body language. And when most people see awkward and/or weak body language, it makes them angry. And what a better outlet for one's anger, than a guy out by himself who has no confidence and can't stand up for himself.

You'd be surprised. It's a power thing. Beating up a guy out by himself makes them feel powerful. That, and makes them look powerful in front of their friends and the women watching them. Although truth be told, I was 19 at the time. And 19-year-olds can do very stupid things. Which includes targeting a stranger who did nothing wrong other than not being accompanied by one or more other people.

Although truth be told, when I had that great cruise experience, I was 29. By then, most people wise up and find better things to do than beat up strangers. And apparently, I now hold no interest value for the violent teens that once targeted me, except in rough neighborhoods that I never go to anyway. Also, while I see plenty of men my age and older wandering through the malls alone, I still never see a teenager, guys or girl, in a mall by him- or herself. Perhaps there was---and still is---an unwritten rule that I was breaking when I was younger, and almost deservedly attracted negative attention for it.

This. I love music and I go to small gigs by myself a lot but rarely talk to anyone.

There's a club if you'd like to go
You could meet somebody who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home and you cry
And you want to die

This is me pretty much

I get too much anxiety trying to go out alone. people judge me when i'm at couple events alone. I haven't gone out in years now.

I eat out and go shopping alone all the time, no one cares.

One poster on here said when he sees a woman dining alone he feels sorry for her. So some people judge. I just don't give a crap anymore.

Just the very act of going out can be a nice change of pace. Besides, it makes no sense to let yourself be limited by the presence or lack of people, going solo means you can see whatever you want and engage whomever you want.

Suppose you want to see a movie but your friends are always busy, it makes sense to go alone.
Screw the judges, they don't know you, plus you gotta start somewhere.

I wasn't sure if you were specifically thinking of going to a bar by yourself, but... Suggestions???
[obviously just based on my experience in my area of the planet, in this country. It could be completely different where you are]

DON'T
-go to a super huge place.
-go to a place that mainly seems to attract a "meat market" crowd [people who get REALLY dressed up, where drinks are very high priced].
-go to a place that has more "specialty cocktails" than draft beers.
-go to a place that does not have televisions.
-go to a place where the music drowns out conversations.


DO
-go on an off night- this will be when the bar tender has a little more time to chat, and there will likely be other people who just want to come in and unwind, maybe WANT to find someone else to chat with. Also, more likely to be regulars who come in every [sunday/monday/tuesday/wednesday] and meet up with a couple people. This has been my experience on the few occasions that I have gone out.

-ask if there are any bar trivia nights, etc. ...even if there is nothing posted, or nothing regular, the bar tender might know of something coming up that they are planing that is a special occasion- PLUS it is something specific to ask about that can kind of start a conversation

-go somewhere that serves food. this will not usually be a place where the drinks are insanely expensive, as they make money off the food as well.



I have found that the more comfortable places where I have felt ok have been pub-type places- usually where they have darts, etc [not that take over the entire place, but enough for a casual game]. Where there are a few regulars, the staff is friendly and care about where they are working, they have a wide selection of draft and bottle, the place is a little unique, and whatever ambient sound they have- music or television, isn't so loud you can't hear anyone. Places that have a large selection of drafts will STILL have a well stocked bar and almost always alternative "malt drinks" and wine... so if you don't like beer [or even if you don't want alcohol], that's not an issue. But places with a HUGE selection of specialty cocktails will ALSO charge you way too much for typical cocktails or mixed drinks than the other places would. Often at least twice as much [at least around here].

I used to go to a place down the street, get a cider and just hang at the bar and read a couple magazines and occasionally chat with a couple girls who would sometimes show up. If not, it was still just a nice way to relax.

Have you ever tried meetup.com?

It's a site where you can find groups of people who share your interests and meet up for scheduled events. It's a good way to meet new people and get yourself out of the house at the same time. I don't know if it'd be good for dating but to make friends it's a good way to do so.